Wow. Very dense piece with phenomenally strong words. *reads it again*
What jumped out at me is the religious imagery in here is beautiful. the "sanguine halo" brings to mind the crucifixion of Christ and the following stanza mentioning the thorns . . . I may be quite far off, but poetry speaks differently to the reader as it did to the writer.
Overall you have some beautiful contrasting couplings here. The sensual imagery here is breathtaking and I find myself lost in the rich images.
The last stanza is not my favorite. I understand what you are trying to accomplish, but it comes across as a bit weaker than the rest of the poem. Perhaps research some synonyms for flying and swimming?
"In surreal indifference to the love of man." I freaking LOVE that line. Just. . . wow. Nicely done.
Interesting rhythm and rhyme scheme on this one. It certainly feels as if it should be read aloud. It has that poetry slam feel to it. The rhyme scheme is nicely done and feels very natural. You have a sophisticated choice of words in your end rhyme and it adds a definite maturity and seriousness to the poems subject. My two favorite pairs are "platitudes/attitudes" and "prejudicial/superficial". I do not however like the word choice of "Two contrasts" in the beginning of the second stanza. For there to be a contrast there would need to be two things and thus it is redundant in nature. Other than that I have little to criticize. The poem is nicely handled, flows well, and has a good feel to it. Nicely done. :D
I don't know why, but the first two times I read this I truly thought it was the wife who was passing. *shakes head at herself* Though it makes more sense now. I was really mad at the husband for rushing her; for his cold heartedness at her hesitancy. I guess I can't be mad at him now though.
The wording here "'It must be, or only agony remains'" seems a little awkward though. Not as colloquial as would be expected. Not necessarily bad, but noticed.
Your use of details and incidents make this poem real. The image in the beginning is reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland and has a wonderfully innocent feel. You certainly can feel you and your sister grow throughout the piece. I love this line "Green eyed Betty; beautifully slim and auburn haired." Beautiful.
I'm sorry for your loss, however anyone would be blessed to be immortalized the way that you have done here.
Interesting. I was pleasantly (don't know if that is the right word in this case :) surprised to learn that the narrator was in deed the shadow.
My only real hesitation with this piece is the end rhyme of "copy" and "soppy". Most of the end rhyme comes across as natural and effortless. Nicely done. Even the line ending in "copy" feels natural. However, the word "soppy" just feels somewhat forced. Perhaps an alternate word choice would present you with some more options. :D
Otherwise, a nice piece for your first "stab" at it. :D
Very sweet poem. I was hoping as I started to read it would be in sonnet form, but by the end of the piece it didn't matter anymore. :D
I really enjoy these two lines:
" Like gossamer strands, your hair fans out, "
"Your eye-lashes curl lazily as you sleep, "
I think they are the most literary in the piece. Both her hair and her lashes seem to have a life of their own. Lovely. :D
One note, I was a bit distracted by the use of "eyes" at the end of two different lines so close together. Perhaps a spot for tweaking? :D Overall nicely done.
Nice concept! I would like to see this expanded a bit more. You take such a definite metaphor, but leave it based in generalities. Use examples; describe an incident in your life in which people looked down on you. I love the use of the word "kafuffle". Not something I would have thought of at all.
Also, if I were you I think I'd play up the sister is a baboon thing by perhaps drawing an analogy to her primping herself in the morning to picking at bugs. :D Might get a laugh out of most, but a punch out of the sister though. :D
The other thing I feel is that the introductory paragraph just doesn't have the same power as the rest of the piece. The first two sentences are good, but then the paragraph sort of flounders around till you get to paragraph two. Just an observation. :D
Overall, nicely done. The piece has definite potential. You might even want to consider doing a series on this subject. Perhaps write a poem, play, short story, drama etc . . . all different forms of literature based on the same idea. It might be fun to play with styles that way. :D
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