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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Curse  Open in new Window.
Review by blueboxer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Well, I can say I very much like what you have started, but it could use some more clarification. The first sentence alone scared me half to death, I almost stopped right away because the first sentence was a run-on with so many commas, I strongly recommend changing the first line. You seem to have a limited 3rd person omniscient POV in this chapter, so I would almost start with her thinking about what she was going to do. This would explain why she is so rough with Ray, her servant who is apparently her "best friend" as you said in the second half. I had to read it twice to understand the relationships. The roses, though I still don't understand their significance, are completely overshadowed by the more pressing matter of her not wanting to marry. Again, wording and phrasing is so mixed between a medieval speech and modern language that its losing its nobility and realness. If you need help with language may I suggest watching either Game of Thrones, Downton Abbey and/or Shakespeare's Hamlet. The way you have Vyollette (love the way you spelt their names by the way) address her parents feels weird. They don't always throw around "My King" all the time, another appropriate phrase would be "My Lord", "My Liege" and "Your Excellency".

There are times where you do spend some time on mundane tasks, such as opening doors or walking down stairs. Are these suppose to be significant? The longwinded nature you present them in comes across as a fashion novel similar to how Jane Austen wrote "Pride and Prejudice". She explains in great detail overblown mundane tasks that don't really need to be explained, but as a casual way to lighten the tone of her novel. This chapter has rising tensions screaming all over it, the reader does not need to get these mixed signals from you. Though I can understand her pauses, please utilize your POV and have her thoughts racing over everything. Perhaps lead her to think of some scenarios of what her father would do or why she doesn't want to marry the guy in question.

As of right now after reading this chapter alone, I can't say I really feel sorry for her and she appears to be the main character/protagonist so I need to either feel more sympathetic towards her or down right despise her; right now its just a neutral feeling. Though this particular story feels more plot-driven than character driven I can allow that to slide. I wouldn't think she would apologize to her, so that was a nice add in from her subconscious. I am quite perplexed as to why you keep using "chocolate trees" to describe things, try to keep using specific comparisons once in a chapter. Unless its alluding to something that I don't know about than by all means continue. Now as far as the other characters are concerned, granted this is just the beginning, you did a superb job building up the Queen. She was a great, highly-developed female character.

Now if you could just do that with the brother and the King, everything would be peachy. You have a chance to go into detail during the moment at the steps. They are siblings, they must have played there. Have her remember what it was like when they were younger and she didn't feel like she was being crushed by duty and responsibility. Other than just a name with the title of "younger brother", this character doesn't really have a lot going for him other than he is very silent and he doesn't seem to want to defend her. I don't know why she is so surprised, she hardly gave the reader any impression of a heartwarming, loving relationship.

Though you are setting up for some shocker to start at the next chapter with "a shadow", I can't help to think why she went alone in the first place? That and how modern of a castle are we in in the first place. Sinks, walk-in showers and buttons that open gates: what kind of modern conveniences are these that they are living in where the people are still under the old world assumptions of a Princess has to marry a Prince? If she really is royalty, a handmaid would have gone with her, and even with all these modern conveniences why don't they have a pool? She just leaves the palace grounds to go swimming in some lake. Sure she likes the "cascading waterfalls" but that is hardly a good excuse to leave the safety of the palace. She really did sound like such a recluse in the beginning, it sounded like she didn't want to go anywhere, and the nerve of her father to summon her to eat. She really does come off as a rather selfish individual. If there is some hint of compassion or kindness in her character, it certainly isn't in this chapter.

Now I cannot judge whether or not you intended for her to go on some life changing experience or we are focusing on the mystery of the "curse". But one thing that is for sure, if she is going to change, you need to drop hints; especially in the first chapter. Either use imagery, her inner thoughts or subconscious acts that show us she has good in her and has the capacity for change. In any case, I can't wait to read more about Vyollette (still love the name) and what this curse is. Thank you so much for sharing this and my best of luck to you on your writer's journey.
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Review of The City  Open in new Window.
Review by blueboxer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This story proved to be an intriguing one though I have a feeling I know what you were getting at as I feel the sense of waiting for the surprise kind of dissipated because it wasn't a constant thought. I feel a little more backstory would help me to understand why "No on has ever been out of the city". Is this some post-apocalyptic setting or dystopic utopia of some kind? More imagery of the city would help clear up this question. And though after working for many hours and then suddenly go racing and parkour stunts up a 1,500 foot building, how did they not get seen or these two characters are clearing inhuman or superhuman in some nature.

Forgive me, but my focus is authentic characters and from the vague context clues of "long hair" our first-person narrator is a girl and your other character is a guy. Now the reason to do this is to place your reader as a character to offer more of a connection between your reader and the characters. Though I cannot say for sure if that is the actual intent. The mystery about why they are relatively trapped in the city gives you a chance to really describe the city with exciting details, your contrasting, poetic-like descriptions of " The city holds a kind of sadness- a sadness that is seen in the dark shadows and the tired people" and "The lights, in different shades of blue, yellow, and red, spread out for miles" is very specific but they allude to some gritty, distant future setting I suspect. But I felt like I liked the poetic way you were describing the environment, I would much rather you supplement the description of the environment and why it is harsh to them to make up for the lack of backstory.

This story looks to be under 1000 words, so being the short story that it is, it doesn't give you a lot of time to build characters and such, but more expressions from your main character about what she thought should have make her feel more real. She feels to be just a character in a story and lacks personality other than the impressive features of being able to scale a large building after hours of unspecified work. Maybe her job could be related to why everyone cannot leave the city, or at least allow the readers to grasp some understanding of where they are. Having your readers needing to change what things look like in their minds, often decides whether they will continue reading the story or you as a writer. I hope whatever I said helps you in some way and I don't mean to sound like a complete know-it-all for that is not my intention. I just wish to help others succeed and write well. In any case, thank you for submitting this piece and I wish you the best of luck on your writer's journey.
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Review by blueboxer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
First, I am astounded by your no-nonsense approach to the dog POV, it was very refreshing. Too often had I seen dogs personified in a friendly, go lucky matter so strong kudos to you. The wording did come across strange throughout the short story, but nevertheless it only emphasized the dog's POV and his inadequate knowledge of the human language. It almost comes across as broken English from an Eastern perspective, putting the place before the subject in most cases, whereas in the West it is subject before place. Though initially and seemingly devoid of personality, your main protagonist dog has such subtle and refined forms of expressions that it escaped me during my first read through. The ending could be much clearer. If we are going to be realistic, a dog's sight works great in the dark or low light areas, so I find it hard to believe anything could be "shadowed". That and dogs have a tendency to know when something is a human or rat, based on smells, dog's have phenomenal olfactory senses.

*Forgive me I tend to jump around at things that warrant important attention.*

Its true the dog doesn't know what he is training for, and although your middle was a tad on the monotonous side. Your dog's phrasing amused me enough to ignore it, though please add proper spacing and indents if you can when making new paragraphs; a lot of seems to run together. In the beginning (even though it is not my belief but) the main character mentions how he has a short term memory, yet he remembers something from his puppyhood in such great detail that your narrator become unreliable right off the bat (which isn't too good for Hong because you want your audience to care for him). Either move "He replays that moment everyday" before the detailed memory, or put the detailed memory in italics or a centered, "quote" paragraph to distinguish this crucial, sentimental identifier for Hong.

Now, often Hong could not distinguish what his master was saying, yet for one instance you have a full "NO s*** NO s*** NO s***! HAHAH. I knew you could do it Hong, I knew it!". I am very curious as to why this was so important that Hong recalled it clearly. Either keep your consistency or clarify why this was so important, was it because he was "spinning him around and around just like he had when he was a pup" because there isn't any real sense of emotion from Hong other than he was "confused" and "never expected".

Hong does save-face and is rather reserved about his emotions and feelings, hiding them even from the audience, only with subtle hints of adding adjectives or more evolved words such as "abandonment". You tend to keep the short story in a very basic English vocabulary if not fifth grade reading level, so the times when more challenging words are said is where my focus went. As stale as Hong is for a narrator, there are moments his personality shimmers through and you can tell he is excited or sad based on how he says something and how much he says about it. Even though he is a flat character, he is extremely sophisticated and I'm sure this story was more about the shock factor at the end, than about Hong. My strongest commendations to you on writing such a distinct character. As many times I called him dull, believe me when I say he is a well-developed character. His master on the other hand, I'm not so sure I like very much. In any case thank you very much for submitting this and I wish you the best of luck on your Writer's journey.
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Review by blueboxer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I must say I am a very shrewd critic when it comes to Supernatural Romance, my bitterness from Twilight, so I apologize if I come across harsh. But a real critic analyzes and looks for as much believability as possible. My main focus is character development so I will start there. At first the creepiness of the age difference kind of scared me with you starting at her being age 12, but after reading the prologue I understand now, and I do believe her feelings of fear and uncertainty are genuine, and her genuine withdrawnness to those around her too, though I don't believe that just because she was poor, she couldn't find a single friend, your two main characters seem like "star-crossed lovers" which is okay, but you aren't leaving room in your story for characters to either help or hinder your main characters goals/desires, other than the memory loss Emily has is not a good enough conflict to have. You need to set the stage and even though Adrias has made an enemy of God himself, it would seem petty for God to just pick on him later in the story just because it was "forbidden". I do believe that an unfortunate/misunderstood event at the school with say a popular girl or a teacher would further cement her social isolation. Being blonde hair with blue eyes myself, and yes not the most attractive not most unattractive, in that mid-range of being average, I can say I find it hard to believe that no one advanced her, whether it was a lowly geek/nerd or someone from say one of her favorite places to escape being bothered at home, a safehaven for her she could go to like say an abandoned/currently closed and being renovated church or a public library. Going through foster care really does a number on people if they are poorly treated or they don't feel loved, they either become very needed or social outcasts, which you have chosen the latter. Which is alright, having a brother will indeed be beneficial to her, but he seems very lax about her now that he has a girlfriend of his own. I don't see him being a strong "brother" for her when Adrias comes to call and she is scared. Where/Who will she go to first? Now for story wise, I find it interesting that you have a fallen angel for your focus of supernatural romance, but I am confused of what the shadowlands is. Is it a parallel for hell, limbo or some other plane of existence? I know this is only your first chapter, but I am also including the prologue in this as well. Because you are dealing with angels, heavens and possible hells you have the possibility to be very expressive about the imagery you provide when you describe things. Angelic light and good ones with an extreme contrast of darkness, fire and brimstone. That sort of thing. You should try to carry that with Emily during her time of indecision, as she is on the border of light or dark, heaven or hell, she feels like she is very uneasy about everything and that certainly came across in chapter 1. Now a reality check, if I was a teacher or school official seeing this happen I would be concerned that she was being picked on by other students and that she seems to be a social outcast. Emily would be flagged "at risk" (especially if she was adopted) of either harming herself, possible flight risk or some other things that aren't nice. Sure she is a fairly 'straight-A' student you describe, but that would still send flags to adults. If not have at least one friend for her or a possible teacher that she likes that further exhumes her intelligence and possible advanced wisdom that she may possess. And for more impact I feel starting off with her dream in italics at the very beginning of chapter 1 and then having 'Emily awoke in a cold sweat' in the next paragraph would be more effective. Though I say the previous because this chapter seems centralized around Emily at the moment, you are going with a third person omniscient approach which could prove rather interesting because you have God as a rather abrupt starting antagonist for Adrias. So quite possibility this could be being told from God himself or you can just leave your narrator completely neutral which is fine, but you have room to make things interesting with the way the story is told through the narrator's POV. I felt like having God do that right away was a bit much though, and it would be better to bring in more 'famously' named angels that looked over the other angels, perhaps a said angel punished him, by sending him back to earth and try and finish the job or something because he was jealous of what Adrias had. Just trying to find other possible characters that could appear that could help FOIL your main characters. Because so far I am getting damaged female teen outcast with foreboding, powerful, stalker supernatural lover which is border lining Twilight formula fiction which I do dislike, so I mean its up to you what you do. These are merely suggestions from a writer just like you who wants to help other writers on their journeys. My best wishes to you and watching this story progress and evolve.
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