I am reading your book in reverse order- Haha! Silly me, because I saw part 6 first. It makes more sense to me now. I'm totally loving your story and you are supreme at writing dialogue and giving good details. (especially in this Chapter!) Keep up the good work!
Very interesting poem. Great Imagery and I think a good personification of man and nature. The gray is a great picture of brooding. Very good.
Just a thought, the line "let the golden light shine on our path to lead the way so that we may create another gray". What is the intention? Do you want the gray to swallow up the sun again? Do you want to feel the angry feeling again?
In my opinion, Good turns of phrases that paint an accurate picture include "stale anger", "Waters! Come and cleanse the Earth so that we may breath again", and "saddened earth" The phrase "Gray blocks out the sun as it escapes into our atmosphere", is also a bit ambiguous. Does the gray escape from the atmosphere or the sun (I did read it carefully, but don't understand). In general, it is a brilliant, brilliant pastoral, but I as the reader am unsure if you are trying to convey mixed feelings, or do you want a release from the weather and the strong emotions?
The short stanzas were really good and created a good impact and flow. Keep up th good work! A great poem.
Wow! Riveting reading from a talented story writer. You painted the picture of a wayward youth and concerned foster carer admirably.
I wonder if more detail would make more compelling reading. You have all of the facts in this story (Alex did this, Alex said that etc), but not as much detail is given to the husband and the wife's relationship, or to the relationship between them to Alex (this is chapter 6 after all, you may have elaborated on that in the first 5 chapters, I haven't read them yet!). More specifically, how did the interaction in the living room go. Was the husband angry with Alex, or shaken, or firm? What was Alex doing when you were packing her stuff? Was she adamant or frozen? I am by no means a storywriter, but I understand there is a balance between saying too much and saying too little. When you say too little the reader finds it more difficult to imagine. In saying that, 85% of the other sentences were perfect in detail, for example:
"I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. It was like watching an old West showdown between two people I loved" and
"I didn’t like looking at her. I felt as if I were betraying her. Or perhaps I had betrayed her by not doing this sooner", Just awesome.
Strongly tied to this is the pace of the piece; In 926 words you have described a massive altercation between a foster mother, husband and foster daughter, right up to 9 months of failed therapy and release back into the home. Is this just a speedbump in a story that gets horribly worse? 9 months of therapy could be described in more detail, because I think the reader may want it (Well this one does anyway). In this way the piece seems like it's in a rush to get to the next part of the story. I also liked the ending and beginning of the chapter. The beginning drew you in and the ending was prosaic.
In terms of silly, nitpicking constructive criticism, I might change the word "tumbleweed".
As a side comment, it sounds like you really put your heart and soul into this story. It really jumps out at you and the tone of the piece is one that comes either from personal experience or one with a genuine love of fostering. Thanks for the privilege of reading!
Really Nice. the imagery is good. Too short I think. The reader is getting a nice taste of something good and is left wanting more. Tone perfect. All in all, very good.
The good things about it:
It's repetition of key themes- having a share of trouble, having an absence of prayer. I also think some stanzas particularly stand out "their spouses know but their don't care, all we can do is..." etc. are very good. With a little bit of editing It would also lend itself to a rap beat.
There are a few things which I think might be improved: Firstly, the rhythm of having the same amount of syllables in each line would make the poem read better. I also believe that breaking up your poem stanzas into groups of eight or nine into groups of four or five it would read more smoothly. I also think that more could be done with the ending. Your poem gives people a sense of Hope of Trusting in God. Are you going for this tone, or are you looking for a more depressing tone, saying that everyone has forgotten how to pray?
I didn't mean to seem harsh. This is a great poem. It just needs a little more work I think. It's got really great themes and great potential and I think you have a good ability to write! Keep on writing!
I rate this short story as a 4.5, because no piece of work is perfect, but this is fantastic! The style of writing was descriptive and good at painting an overall picture, the dialogue was to the point and easily fit the characters. The story itself drew you in, and I really liked the beginning that set the tone and environment for the story. Great use of the old traditional riddles, enchantments and talking animals. The clear picture of the old fashioned priest and the wife characters was also very refreshing. Overall, a good length I think. Smaller, and it would have lost some colourful details, but bigger, and you may have had some readers losing interest.
You clearly have an ability to write attention grabbing stories. Keep it up.
Joseph.
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