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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bob_sheilds
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22 Public Reviews Given
70 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by Bradly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
         Always a pleasure to read speculative fiction! I enjoy things that take place in areas I can identify with as well. The U.S. is a nice start.

         Anyway, back to the real topic, your story. Interesting world, which is a must have for Spec.Fic. I like the idea of a bunch of odd people mixing. It is so realistic if you think about it! So as far as world building goes, you get a A.

         One big problem from the get-go is the confusion of the first paragraph. I thought that the protagonist was normal, and looking down of these "freaks". The problem is when she says she is looking at green, purple, slimy, et cetera, she then says glances like knifes, and the reader thinks that she means the glances she is giving are like knifes. Then we hear, "haven't you ever seen a shifter before?" and we think Felecity just said that. Also you start this paragraph with two sentenses, both starting with I. You might want to change that, since it puts off the reader.

         You have also dropped ALOT of commas. I am no grammer nazi, but it will hamper the reader if you don't put certain ones in. You dropped enough for me to not go through and point them out. Normally I would.

         You start one sentense with, 6'2" which is enough to intemmidate anyone. The problem here is that you don't identify your subject. What or who is 6'2"? I really like the following sentense, though. I think the next is a perfect discripter.

         Next you try this sentense, I "work" for "Johnn private eyes". First, you don't have to quote that much. You could quote work, but I am not sure why you would. Is she not employed by Johnn private eyes? Does she not actually work? You don't have to quote businesses. If that's what "Johnn private eyes is. Just caps will do. By the way, did you mean Johnny, or John. I have never seen is spelled Johnn (that doesn't make it wrong, but odd). John, Johnny, Johnn, or whoever should be John's, Johnny's, Johnn's, or Whoever's Private Eyes.

         You also seem to not know what AKA means (also known as). You misuse it in the next sentense.

Last thing, you say Johnny's one of the few shapshifters who has made a name for himself. Is Johnny also Vince? That is the way I saw it, and if so you need to make that more clear.

On the whole, I am enjoying the direction you are going with this. It needs more tuning, but can be great. I hope I could help!
Bradly

P.S. This is a review for my Science Fiction Forum, and if you have anymore Spec.Fic. feel free to post it. This isn't quite SF, but I don't mind. It is very closely related.

P.P.S. By the way, glad to see you got the link posted correctly. It wasn't a huge deal, but it helps. Thanks!
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Review by Bradly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a short piece and a fun idea. That is why I gave you the rating I did. The problem seemed to be your execution. To me you rushed the story. This is probably do to the fact that it was written for a prompt, so maybe a contest also. I guess you weren't allowed to use over Five hundred words. So here are some ways you might expand the story while keeping it under 500 words.

You spend an awful amout of time justifying the protagonists actions. He is a kid, he would naturally be interested in what's going on.

You could also be more brief with your description of why the Brisbees seem odd. We just need to know that they aren't normal. Your description of their oddness works if you are going to make this a longer piece.

One thing I thought would be neat at the end is for the main character to see Mr. Brisbee and have Brisbee utter the same words.

Just an idea!
Bradly
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Review of A Writer's Lament  Open in new Window.
Review by Bradly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think you wrote this well, but I could not tolerate the content. You don't think that a writer is good just because he told me from the heart that he loves writing. Writing is a skill. Just like any other skill, some have a talent with it, and some don't. I have read some very talented writers. I have also read an idiot's writing, which is barely sentences strung togather. A good writer can write something without thinking, and some body some where will love it! An idiot writes with all the heart in the world, but his words are just mindless dribble. I would rather read a competent writers work.

We aren't all meant to be writers. If you have the desire to write, but don't then you are no more a writer than a person who thinks about killing his boss is a killer.

Crushing reviews, while they may sting, are for your own good. I am no perfect, or gifted for that matter, writer. If my work was good because, I wrote it with heart, then what would stop everyone from being published.

We should always value 'heart' in writing, but a True writer needs no heart. He can fake it! and we, the reader, will believe it is GREAT! Heart or not, writing is a skill.
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Review of Space Gas  Open in new Window.
Review by Bradly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I will begin by admitting that this is a very silly story. The name was very appropriate. I think that since you were writng this for a younger crowd, 12 or 13 year olds, that this is alright. I am not 12, so I wasn't as amused. None the less, I saw some humor in it. So I didn't rate your story by how well I liked it. Instead I rated it for how well written it is. I thought that since you are writing it for a younger crowd, you did a good job of pacing the story.
There were a few spots that seem a little ackward. A solid edit will weasel those spots out.
On the whole, a interesting story plot, that requires a younger mind to fully grasp its humor.
Well written for your audience!
Bob
5
5
Review by Bradly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I believe it is important to understand or at least try to understand one another. I think in your search to understand others you will find interesting ideas and results. That is all we can do. Catalouge and decide for our selves what we believe. I hope you found out a little about me!

I think it was well written and easy to take, thats why I said 5 stars. Its not what you ask but how you ask that matters.

Bob
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Review by Bradly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This made me laugh. I think you are right about the free verse idea. So are you saying that there is mars on writing.com? If there is I would like to know where.
I think we all have spent maybe just one or two extra minutes, hours, or days here while we were supposed to be doing other things. Right now, I am supposed to be finding a poem that relates and matchs to Dante's Inferno. As you can tell I am hard at work. One thing I wasn't sure about was where you start the poem with
"Slurp, Smack... Pause" It seems to me that this is the noise the computer makes while it eats your time. That seems like an interesting choice, considering the rest of the poem seems to say that people are eating your time away from your computer! I really enjoyed your poem. I think many can relate. Keep writing!
Bob
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Review of Music Makers  Open in new Window.
Review by Bradly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
First of all let me say I liked the story. It has the power of song. That in it self can be a great boon. The start was both informative and engageing. So many fathers and sons have enjoyed a similar relationship. The next set of dialogue was unique. I have never been given an attaboy. It seems odd for a deathbed. I would also suggest you remove the sentence after "The corner came and confirmed the death." We don't need to know that the funeral home picks up his body. It seemed to break up the flow of the story.
then you wrote "don't worry if you said good-bye or no...". Did you mean no ---not? Any way these are just a few of my thoughts. Good story and keep on writing!
Bob
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