\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bobmob
Review Requests: OFF
296 Public Reviews Given
311 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 ... Next
1
1
Review of Where Evil Dwells  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello SHERRI GIBSON Author Icon }

My Thoughts: This kind of reminds me of the movie hocus pocus evil witches that killed kids. Turned a boy named David into a cat. The only thing it's missing is them chasing the kids into the middle of town and them reacting to the modern world. however The familiarity doesn't mean this isn't a good story.

My Favorite Part: The way you tell this story. You keep it in this very vague eerie feel to it. It helps give it that horror feel and makes it so much fun to read.

My Suggestions: Okay lets start with your witches. There just not believable. They don't really have any personality. I believe that culprit for that issue is the dialogue. you just have them blurt out there plan and what they have to do. They also are very blunt with the way they speak. I think having them be more carful with what they say, you know just a little more tricky will go a long way to making them more believe able.

Now we have the issue of this doesn't get the readers heart racing. It gets close a couple of times. But it just doesn't have the aspects of fear in the characters and if your characters don't seem liked they are scared then... I know you tell us that they are scared but you can't just say it. fear is a psychological thing. Going deeper into the thinking of David especially when your dealing with the part inside the witches house will help get that fear through. Also give me a bit of the smell taste and feel of the environment. When your scared your brain goes into what I like to call a sensory overload. by increasing the amount of sense you hit in your description in the fear scenes will help trigger this part of the brain making the fear easier to get through.

Write On!!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)


The following is just my opinion. Take what helps and leave the rest behind.

Hello Jeannie Author Icon

Okay so what we have here is a novel size plot line trying to be squeezed into a short story. Which leads to this reading more like a police report then a horror story. Now It's a great story idea, and you have moments, near the end, where you give it that horror feel. This is going to be a long review because I so want to help you get this story to the level that I know it can be. Please bare with me till the end.

Lets start with the beginning shall we? You have the right scenery for a set-up with this kind of story. Trying to get a little bit of fear into the readers mind to carry them through the first few parties is a smart move. But to do that you need to use the setting to give off an eerie feel. Doing this is a two part fix. First Give more detail, with horror stories that relies on a dark setting to help the fear get across, detail is very important. Your first sentence is great, it already is starting to give that bit of eerie feeling, it grabs the readers attention. but you don't capitalize on your momentum. you mention a short cut. You wrote this in first person so give me the shadows and scurrying critters as seen through the eyes of your character. Now this is easier with present tense instead of past tense but it can still be done.

The second part I already gave away a little bit. This is first person, what I want more then anything else in the scenes, that are supposed to scare, is thought process. Horror is a psychological genera, you are trying to tap into the base instincts that reside in the human brain. To do that you need to give that fear process. I want to know as her heartbeat starts to slowly rise, I want to know when it spikes. I want the possible outcomes that run through peoples heads when they are scared. You do that some when she meets Mr. Woods. Yet with out the build up from the start of the scene it just doesn't have the same punch.

So that brings us to the first party. Once again detail and thought process is important here. The thought process should be heavy in at the start because she is still freaking out. and Nothing gets the blood flowing quite like running through the possibilities of how your going to die at this party. Then you need to start backing off from her thoughts as she gets more comfortable and she isn't doing as much consensus thinking. The detail shouldn't be a lot, just enough to give us the basic idea of what is going on. That way when we get to the next scary scene the sudden increase of detail will help your readers brain believe it's real. I suggest that you keep that laid back slight detail approach until the maze. Just make sure your giving a little bit of thought process so that it doesn't read like a police report.

I do have a slight issue with your wording of the 4-H outing. By just calling them kids and then having it where the winner was her next party host and she had a car, it confused me. That confuse stayed with me until the next party where you called them collage kids. This problem is probably mute because the thought process advice I already gave you will fix this. But it was worth mentioning.

I'm not going to insult you by repeating what I said about the first scene here with the maze scene. Just give that kind of sensory overdrive that our minds go into when we get scared and it will do its job wonderfully. I will say this about it though. you placed this scene perfectly just as the reader is starting to lose interest because they haven't had any fear in a while you give them a dose of good old claustrophobia.

The last two parties where the best parts of this story. not because the story is coming to a climax but because you start giving a bit of that sensory overload, I wish you had given me the smell of the houses and the taste of the blood the feel of the needle and of the piano keys. But it works enough that I do leave the story with my heart beating just a little bit faster. It was these two parties that showed me that you have the capability to write stories like this very well. you just need some practice.

I would LOVE to read this again after your done editing if you want me to. all you have to do is send me an email.


Please Keep Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello DMB Secundus Author Icon

My Thoughts: This is an awesome story idea. It's the kind of story that sticks with you, from the mystery of how it works that everyone always knows what is their gift. To the ending that reminds people of what is really important. Not the material things that you might have, but the joy and love that one finds in life. if that is embodied in a item then fine but remember that it is not the item that is important but the joy and idea that it represents.

My Suggestions: As much as I love this story it has a couple of issues. For one you have an over use of commas, with the common suspect present. Using a comma when don't need it, slowing the flow of the story. For example,

Everyone went to the beach, to find the wonders that the Island sent them.

There are others like that in this story. To find them I would suggest giving it a proofread out-loud, so can catch the stop and starts in the flwo fo your story.

Your other issue is that the scene where the character talks to the island, you call it the island but you talk about it's eyes, skin and hair with out giving any explanation as to why, either an island would have this form. Or to how she knew it was the island. This causes a disconnect that pulls the reader out of your story and stops the message from hitting home as well as it could.

This is a great story that just needs a couple of tweaks to be perfect. Thank you for posting this for me to read.

Write On!!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Blackbird Author Icon

Okay so we start with a nice little story about how technology takes over our lives and we end up never even going outside. forgetting even that there is anything outside but death. to a guy removing his own right eye. .. Yep sounds like a logical story progression. :) really though the story is amazing and made me feel kind of bad about spending so much time online and on my Xbox... but well stories that make one look ate ones self are always a good thing. because if you don't like what you see then you need to change right... now I'm not saying I'm going to start going outside more, I'm just saying I'm going to start thinking about it, lol.

At first I was upset with the lack of detail in your story, but then I got to him going outside and I realized that you did that on purpose, to put emphasis on the fact that, that world is not real. My only problem with this story is that with how you went about the time breaks it made the whole thing feel disconbobled and I had a hard time keeping track of where the story was.
Write On!!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

The following is just my opinion. Take what helps and leave the rest behind.

Hello Gabriel Wolfbane Phoenix Author Icon


You have a good story here, with load of potential but you have some issues. You start off well with that first paragraph. Up you say...

My curiosity has finally gotten the best of me one day

By including a past tense phrase in a present tense sentence you throw the story off kilter. Taking away from what was a great set up.

You give me a good visual description of the house. telling me only what I need to know what everything is. but you ignore the other sense, It is important to use multiple sense when writing, more true for horror then any other style because you are trying to use your readers base instinct to get that fear aspect your looking for. and you set yourself up wonderfully to use the other sense. when he is going into the house for the first time describe the feel of the door, of the air in this old house, of his breath going through his body. Don't just tell me that there is a smell, describe the smell. engage that part of your readers mind. a when you say he can taste the smell, show me what it tastes like. The more sense you use the more engaged the readers mind is going to be and easier it is going to be for there mind to believe that this is real.

I love that you went first person with this, First person, if you can pull it off will make pulling your reader in so much easier. no more so then in horror. Being able to go through the characters fear process like it's the readers own is invaluable with this style. With that said you let that chance go. When I read a horror story in first person I want a in depth look through that characters thought process. make the fear a reality through your characters mind. When you have a sentence that just I say, carry that over into him battling his fear so that he can open that door. I want to know if his heart is racing. I want to see that human reaction to fear, where you are running though every possibility. Then slip from that fear into the calm control that comes from his experience when he sees the girl.

THis story has a lot of potential, it just needs some touching up to bring the fear aspect that turns this from a good story to a great horror story.


Keep Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of I Write  Open in new Window.
for entry "You'll Never Catch Me" Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 Author Icon

My Thoughts: I'm going to assume he doesn't get hints well and doesn't find out that his wife sent the letter. I might have to steal the idea of sending someone a letter saying you'll never catch me, if that's alright. I need to prank a couple of friends of mine.

My Favorite Part: The letter itself. So devious and yet so simplistic. It is the perfect way to get into someones head and really good set up if you want to take that letter and right about a serial killer.

My Suggestions: More detail into his thought processes. Take me on the journey from simply going through mail to the curiosity of the envelope to the confusion, and possible worry if you want to take that route. of the letter itself. that would just give the extra dimension that this story needs. It could also use a set up sentence or two before he finds the letter to give a bit of a foundation if that makes sense.

Write On!!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Bob and Kat  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Rhyssa Author Icon

My Thoughts: This is a great story idea, I love that the older of the two sees all of these amazing things while his sister sees them but allows her self to be convinced otherwise. Normally I find stories where the older sibling denies it. You grabbed my attention early on by making it obvious that this was not something that normally happened. You kept me reading by slowly giving me more and more of the set up instead of having it all at the beginning. Also do you have a story that pick up where this leaves off, I want to know what happens with the cat.

My Favorite Part: The cat to be honest. The way she manipulates people and well acts like a cat. But most of all the way that she talked at the end. knowing that the girl didn't believe what she had seen and wouldn't believe the cat and really spoken.

My Suggestions: It could use a little more detail, while I loved the story I kept wondering what everything looked like. Maybe a comment about the wind, or lack of, allowing you to give me the time of year there in the first paragraph. since you already have something flying past her head. I would also have liked more info about the park, Because I know that there is a pool of water but I don't know what it looks like, if there is anything around it besides the young girl. I also don't know what kind of park it is. You only give enough detail to make the reader wonder about what the world looks like and that takes away form the story.

Write On!!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Emiline  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

The following is just my opinion. Take what helps and leave the rest behind.

Hello Milikah Author Icon



What this made me feel: I felt a calm surety, I felt anticipation, the kind a child feels when they are about to get an award. A almost happy feeling about what is to come. I got excitement as he reveled himself to Emiline. A bit of shock when he heard someone call out her name. But no fear, I hate to say it but this isn't a horror story. A dark story definitely but there is no horror aspect to this story. Sense it's from his perspective we get what he feels not what she feels.

What I liked: It is an amazing insight into the mind of a psychopath, or maybe sociopath, It describes his thought process in a very entertaining way while still seeming plausible that someone with that thought pattern could and does exist somewhere. It was an artful depiction. The orange comma is one I suggest that you change into a period.

What could use some improving: You have a sentence structure issue, The red part of the following sentence is a part that I don't think should be there.
I would knock her out with chloroform when she left her room to use the lavatory, drug her with some anesthetic, and, when she woke, I would kill her with the very gun she had bought from me, in my local gun shop, yesterday and place her suicide note beside her hand.

This is a very lengthy sentence. It makes it feel drawn out and kind of boring. Now their are two ways to fix this you can rewrite the entire sentence. Or you can replace a key comma with a period, turning the long sentence into two manageable sentences. You don't need a comma in front of an and, It is grammatically incorrect and adds strain on the sentence's flow.

The in my local gun shop feels out of place. This is told in the first person meaning everything has to seem like it is something that he would say ,or think, to himself. It doesn't make sense for him to clarify how she bought it from him. It is also information that doesn't have to be hear because you reveal it in a more subtle way later on.

You also have a consistency issue, you say in the above sentence that he is going to drug her with an anesthetic but he never does it. It confuses the reader sense he follows every other part of his plan so meticulously.

You have this amazing imagery that makes everything seem so real, Right up until the actual murder. After she is dead it comes back but during that one spot where he pulls the trigger and the bullet is launched from the barrel of the gun. Ripping through her soft flesh and tough bone until it finally collides with the squishy organ we call the brain. You give us nothing. literally, You skip over it. That one part if the scene is in my opinion the most important part of the story. It's the point that everything you have written was leading up to. It's the part of the night that he will revile in, that he will relive over and over until reliving it isn't enough and he does it again. by including this one second. by telling us what the kick back of the gun felt like. The feeling of satisfaction he got as he pulled the trigger. That would take this story to a level that would rival Stephen king.


What else I liked: You do an amazing job with emotion. You get everything that he is feeling through to the reader. which is hard to do especially when writing for a psychopath. You lead the reader through this journey in such away that the reader almost stops being able to tell if they're the reader or if they're the main character.



PLEASE keep writing!!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of It's Too Late  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Sum1's In Schaumburg Author Icon

I have heard of a lot of theory's about how the world will end but I have to say that this one seems the most likely. I really hope that there isn't a group of scientists out there trying to make a black hole.

I do have one issue with it, and that's the tone. it is all very laid back. Which doesn't strike me as what you intended at all. My suggestion would be to rewrite this in first person. By having Osborn tell us threw his own eyes it makes it easier to set hat tone change from laid back, or maybe frustrated which ever he was feeling to worried, because by it's very nature you are forced to give a more in-depth look at his thought patterns and his feelings. While I think with the current third person set up we are getting more of Kevin's point of view. Since he has known about it for nine days he has already kind of come to terms with it thus the more laid back feel to the story.

I kind of love the back and forth between the detective and Kevin before stuff gets real. That face off of someone who is confused at the lack of caring that is coming the man he is interrogating, and the lack of caring from Kevin. It does a great job of pulling the reader in, just because the reader wants to know why this Professor is so calm when facing the idea of going to jail.


Write On!!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
10
10
Review of A Helping Hand  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The following is just my opinion. Take what helps and leave the rest behind.

Hello Charlie ~ Author Icon

I like the plot, I can't help but wonder how many times something like this has happened. It's a perfect example of what happens when you get involved with something you shouldn't.

I would like more detail, I don't know anything about what they look like, I don't know what the surroundings look like. The more a reader knows about the story the more they will be pulled in. That goes with how many senses you can describe as well. The more parts of the brain that fire off the more the readers brain will be convinced that it's real.

Your emotion falls flat, The tone is very much, it is what it is, I don't get any sense of frustration at his situation, any worry about his brother while he is freaking out. I don't get any of it in the pace you wrote this in, the pace the tone... it never changes. it stays monotone. The best way to fix this that I can think of would be to give more about his thought process. the beginning is just a bunch of facts piled on top of each other. Try finding a way to transform that into making your reader understand where his head is.

The one exception to the flat tone, is the last paragraph. You give just a little bit more of an insight to the main characters mind and the emotion gets through. It really was an enjoyable read just needs some work.


Keep Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
11
11
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The following is just my opinion. Take what helps and leave the rest behind.

Hello JTown Author Icon

I wasn't with this story at first but as I kept reading I was glad I did. the farther into it the more compelling it becomes. and that ending where the third beep never comes. It gave me goose bumps.

The beginning would have been amazing but for one issue. All the periods. You have so many sentence fragments, later on in the story when you want to separate a word from the rest of the sentence you use a comma but for some reason, at the first sentence you use a period to separate 'empty' from the rest of it. Which puts a whole different type of emphases on that word. and then there's that list you have where you use period instead of commas as well. this effects the way the reader reads the story, which takes away from your beginning.

I would also have like some more detail. Show me what the world would be like with out light. Now I don't mean what does everything look like, you do a little bit of what I mean while he is downtown. You show me how he sees the world, and you did it in a very compelling way, a little more of stuff like that would near the beginning would have really pulled me into this story. Also is the smells in this world deferent? the more sense you use the more the readers brain registers this world as real.

You do an amazing job getting that feeling of being alone, the suspense of not knowing what happens. making the reader get emotionally involved is sometimes the hardest thing to do in writing but you did an amazing job.

Please


Keep Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
12
12
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
*Bursto* Disclaimer: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile*

*NoteB* General Comments & Reader Reaction: I like this story idea. 19 year old who can see the dead has an accidently meeting with a reaper. It would be an entertaining read but it was too confusing. Manly because there where this 'Ã's all over the place. I think it's broken Ml if that's the case then I would remove all but the opening Ml at the start and the closing ML at the bottom.

*NoteG* Pace: Your pacing is all one speed, You don't adjust it for the intended emotion. Haz is scared during this meeting so you need to use short sentences, this will increases the pace thus increasing the readers heart beat making it easier to make the feel the fear.


*NoteR* Setting & Imagery: You don't really give the reader much here. I have o knowledge about what his room or even the out side of his house looks like. I know the majority of this chapter takes place in a park but I don't know what the park looks like, what the smells on the wind are. The more the reader knows about the area, the more senses you use. The less the reader has to think and the deeper you pull them into your story.

*NoteW* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere: This piece doesn't make me feel anything, You want me to feel fear? Then show his fear, let me know what his sweaty palms feel like. describe this young girl with a slightly darker light. remember his thoughts are shaded by fear. Let me know his heart rate increased. Things like that, where you show the fear, will get that emotion through so much better.


*NoteB* Grammar: You don't use quotation marks when you go into dialogue, In fact I don't realize that you had until you came out of it. on top of that you have quite a few places where you seem to have dropped a letter or form the word or used a different word then the one you meant. I would suggest that you proof read it, out loud so your brain can't trick you.


*NoteG* Overall Impression & Conclusion: A good idea that has some strong characters but Fails to hit the mark in other places. With a little editing could be a really good story.

Keep writing.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


13
13
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
The following is just my opinion. Take what helps and leave the rest behind.

This is an old plot but one that stays true though out time. You do a great job with your wording really pulling the reader in, most of the time. However on point in the beginning paragraph is a bit off.

and the only light emerging from the few street lights—give off more shadows then one can be comfortable around. Comfortable in a sense of security and opulence, neither will be found.

This doesn't really make sense. I would suggest removing the and and make it it's own sentence instead of a continuing of the sentence before it. The dash doesn't make any sense to be there at all. You would have a stronger sentence if you remove it and have a hole sentence instead of trying top separate it. The last sentence in that first paragraph. I would suggest rewriting this sentence completely. it has an odd flow to it which makes it difficult to follow.

You also have some issues with your punctuation, Namely commas. You do not need to put a comma before the first item in a list just after every item after words until you get to the last one. This is a mistake that you make a couple of times in this story. You also have some places where you seem to have forgotten a word, I would suggest a proof read. make sure you read it out loud because the human brain can trick the eyes if you don't.

I love the way you ended it, especially the poem at the end. it really wraps it up rather nicely.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Keep Writing!
14
14
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
*Bursto* Disclaimer: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! *Smile*

*NoteB* General Comments & Reader Reaction: It has a lot of potential. I love the idea of a living house but it can be a bit confusing at times. It also feels a bit disconnected. However I love the old journal entry she found.

*NoteG* Pace: Your pacing is a bit off. that's in part because you don't give any indication that it's a different scene. you just move from one paragraph to the next. I suggest double spacing out the end paragraph from one scene and the starting paragraph from the next scene. You also give no indication that you are switching time frames though it does seem like you are. maybe say how long ago it started right before you switch over to tell the story.

*NoteO* Characters: Your main character is relatable but I don't know anything about her family. And I don't know what any of them look like. This creates a disconnect that keeps your reader from getting submerged in the story.

*NoteR* Setting & Imagery: I know that it's in an old mansion. I don't know if it's wood or brick. If it's wood has age tented the planks. What does the front lawn look like? Is it clear or are there trees? if so is it a forest or a few trees here and there? Answering these questions is what will draw your readers in. God is in the details both what you leave in and what you keep out.

*NoteW* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere: I don't really get the emotion. I know that it's supposed to be there but... I don't feel it. You don't change the pacing. When trying to give the feeling of fear you want to use short sentences. it increases the pace making the readers heart rate go up. What was Danielle's thoughts as they pulled up to the house?

*Note* Consistency: You switch from first person past tense to first person present tense and back again quite often. sometimes in the same sentence. Now what I can tell the first part where it's all past tense is before the story. if that's the case then why not write the whole thing in past tense? if what you are telling has already happened wouldn't it make sense too write it that way? Of course if that's the case then I guess the first part would need to me in present tense wouldn't it.

*NoteG* Overall Impression & Conclusion: For a first draft it's pretty good. Could use with some detail and reconfiguration of format but what first draft doesn't? You show that you have a talent for making the story. with the envelope with a picture of there dead mother in it and the blood splattered journal. You really have a great story here it just needs a little bit of work

Write on!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
15
15
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello sarah Author Icon

I am going to assume that Sarah in this story is you. If that is the case why write it from your point of view. I think that might make this story better. I understand that this is a non fiction, but I think it fits better as the children's story you want it to be if instead of writing what happened to you, maybe write a story based off of this experience. Now I think you have great potential as a writer because of the way you can make the reader understand the story. which isn't as easy as it seems, but you do make a few mistakes.

The things I am about to say are said with hopes of helping not discouraging. take from them what you will and leave the rest behind.

You have some issues with punctuation, You don't need to question marks after a sentence. I think you might want to be showing that she is frustrated and if that is the case then you need to put a ?!. You also have a sentence where you don't put a period at the end. you just have the closing quotation marks. Proof reading it will help you catch mistakes like that one. oh and read it out loud so you catch spelling mistakes that spell check won't catch.

You don't really give any detail. I have no idea what the parlor looks like I don't know what Bob or Sarah's mom looks like. I don't know what Sarah was feeling. except for the part where you say it out right. And you switch scenes with out any warning at the very beginning. My suggestion to fix this issue would be to write it in first person. Because to give someone's point of view you have to tell the reader what the see what they smell what the feel. I honestly believe that if you rewrite it in first person this could be an amazing story. You show signs of being a great writer. You just need a little practice. Please...

Write On!!


Image Protector
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann Author Icon


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


16
16
Review of Woman Bites Dog  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello PandaPaws Licensed VetTech Author Icon

I decided to review this piece because I had to know what was with the title. What I found was an Interesting story about a woman hiding her hot dog eating past from a TV show that wasn't looking for hers. I love the story idea but there are a couple issues with how it's presented.

First you don't separate the paragraphs. It makes it hard to read and is a deficit to what has the possibility to be a really entertaining story. You need to put a line in-between each one, including dialogue. it will make it a lot easier to read.

You also start off the story with the second sentience that seems to last forever.

There, right in front of her house was a large van with a TV antenna, bearing the words MAN BITES DOG in bold print on the sides, hood and swinging back doors.

You might want to restructure or rewrite the sentience below is a example of how you might improve it.

She was confused at first to see the large van in front of her house. It had a TV antenna on the hood and "MAN BITES DOG" plastered all over it.

You also have a short period of time where you switch to the crews perspective, it's only a line few lines but it's still enough to throw the reader for a loop. I would suggest writing those parts from her perspective as they talked about it.

I loved the ending, you build us up to think that she had done this terrible thing i her past, something no one would ever forgive her for but nope all she did was eat a hundred hot dogs in ten minutes. please...
Keep writing!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
Review of outback  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello christo Author Icon

This is a very well worded and accurate description of the false face we keep up. As well as the reality that we keep hidden. Your imagery is just astounding. It draws me in and allows me to see this house that I assume is a metaphor. I almost even forgot that it was a metaphor.

In most places your flow is just perfect pulling me along with ease from one line to the next but then there are a few lines where it's confusing upon how you want it to be read, the one below is an example.

the high western corners, with their
implications of hidden gunmen,

I;m not sure if you want all of the words after the comma to be read with out a pause or if you wanted to separate with their from implications of hidden gunmen I'm pretty sure you wanted it read the first way and if that's the case then you might want to drop the with their{i/} down to join the rest of the line, to avoid confusion.

Be sides that this is a great poem that gets it's message across with both a very visual metaphor and great wording. Please...

Keep Writing!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
18
18
Review of Tea time  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello PaulO Author Icon

The following is only my opinion, take what you want and toss aside the rest.

The reason I read this story is cause I had to know if the "and" in your description was a typo or a hint at something more. It was a typo but one I'm glad you made cause with out it I wouldn't have read this vivid look into the mind of a crazy person. It's not exactly horror though...

Anyway you did a amazing job of capturing the thoughts of someone in a insane asylum. I have tried to capture a the idea of someone like this into my writing before and I failed terribly so I know just how hard that is.

Now for where you can improve. You over use periods in this story. I understand the need to break up the sentence so his madness is more believable but some of them can be replaced with commas. For example Below is your first paragraph with some of the periods replaced with commas.

Why is it so hard to stay? I should be here, I need to be here. I know that this is the only sane choice but I am insane. I am insane, It must be true. Sane people don’t hurt themselves on purpose, but I am sane. I’m just…lost. My foot is off the rock and the current is pulling me away. I have to get a foothold. I just need a little grip on something solid. I know these people can help me…but I am insane.

It flows better while still having the choppiness necessary for the character. Really your flow is the only thing stopping this from being a really good short story. Which is astounding considering how hard it is to write this kind of thing.

I loved the adding of the poem in the middle, it shows that from madness creativity can bloom. Please...

Keep writing



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
19
19
Review of Good Man's Shadow  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Warrior Poet Author Icon

This is just my opinion, keep what you will and toss out the rest.

My Thoughts: This is a very good poem. I find myself wondering what his story is. If he realizes what his shadow holds does that mean it got out of the shadow at one point in his life? A part of his past that no one else knows about. Or was he once close to someone who let the darkness in their shadow get out? After all no one has never done wrong. Sorry I tend to look at everything and think up of a story that could be written behind it.

My Favorite Part: Would have to be that last stanza. It ties the poem up nicely and completes this idea that he is a honest man who has never done wrong.

My Suggestions: Your flow needs some work on the first two stanzas. It's a bit choppy and it throws the reader off just a little bit. When compared to the rest of it, It almost seems like you had trouble finding the words those two.

Write On!!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
20
20
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello JACE Author Icon this is a jail-a-thon review

My Thoughts: This is a great poem, and I have often found myself wondering why the teachings of the great sages have gone unheeded by the modern humans. It's baffling they are some of the greatest minds that have ever walked this earth but we cast aside their wisdom as "outdated"

My Favorite Part: Would have to be the way you ended it (mostly because I learned a new word)

My Suggestions: I have none, well done

Write On!!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
21
21
Review of Mirrored  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Andrew Author Icon

My Thoughts: This is a great story, that reminded me just how oblivious we can be. I know that's probably not what you wanted it to make people think, but the fact that it took a fun house for him to find out that she was dead...

My Favorite Part: You did a amazing job with the last scene. You surprised me with her turning out to be dead, then captured his reaction to her telling him remarkably well.

My Suggestions: I have none. Well done

Write On!!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
22
22
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
hey em!

This sounds really fun count me in
23
23
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello amy77824 Author Icon

My Thoughts: The story has a lot of potential , your characters are well developed. Your story line isn't one that has been done to death. With a little work I can easily see this getting published.

My Favorite Part: Would have to be how you started it. The main character waiting near the sea for her love may be used alot, but its used alot cause it works and this is one of the better of that kind of scene that I have read

My Suggestions: When you said, Her hand was covered in blood when she couldn’t look at it any longer. it confused me and I had to reread that line a few times before I understood what you were saying. You might want to reword it to something like

She couldn't look at the wound anymore as the warm blood covered her hand.

Also you might want to reword the paragraph about her house to give more detail for example.

They reached Layla's small house in a matter of moments. It wasn't a big house. with only three rooms to speak of. but it was the best they could afford on the salary's of a pub waitress and bartender and it was enough for there needs.


There are a couple of places that could use some work that I'm going to let you find on your own. I will say one more thing though, modern speech patterns in a book based in what appears to be the 15th century might bug a few people.

Write On!!


Image Protector
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. [E]
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
by Maryann Author Icon


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


24
24
Review of Uncle's Scar  Open in new Window.
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The following is just my opinion. Take what helps and leave the rest behind.

Hello Jali~mostly on hiatus Author Icon


How I came to read this piece: I am fascinated by how people get their scars, so when I saw that you had a poem about how your great great uncle got his I had to read it.

What this made me feel: At first I felt sorry for the cow getting sold just for kicking over the pail, and I felt that right up until the final two stanzas at which point in went from sorry for the cow to sorry for the uncle to laughing.

What I liked: you did a good job of sticking to the rhyming. In most rhyming poems that are over 5 stanzas I can find at lest one mistake in the rhyming but nope not with you.

What could use some improving: the last line in the second stanza was a little off on the flow, I understand you were trying to stick to the rhyming but to me flow is more important that rhyming. your flow also could use some work on the last two stanzas.

What else I liked: The way you ended it, I wasn't expecting the comedy to come from the cow.



Keep Writing!
25
25
Review by wolf knight Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


The following is just my opinion. Take what helps and leave the rest behind.

Hello Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Author Icon


How I came to read this piece: I was enticed by the idea of a quest for the best cheese grater. not what people tend to quest for.

What this made me feel: Amused though out the entire quest I was trying to stay in my chair as I was reading it.

What I liked: You are a comedy genius, of course his cane doesn't work inside the Cheesy Wonder for that you need a magic cheese knife.

What could use some improving: The one thing you might want to do is add the cconversation about Marks mobile.

What else I liked: The story line it's so unusual. I have never even came close to reading something with this story line and it enticed me from the first paragraph.

Oh and if you ever decide to give The Cheesy Skunk his own story please tell me.



Keep Writing!
99 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bobmob