Ken, in all honesty, I throughly enjoyed this story. It was an excellent and creative interpretation of the photo prompt. I also appreciated the pace of the story and the emotional "ride" Meredith took that morning. Now, any worthwhile critique should not only the point out the merits of a piece, but more importantly, some ways in which the author might tighten or strengthen the work. When writing an in-depth critique, I will normally focus on several elements that I believe are essential to a well-written story; character, tone, detail/description and theme. It is my belief that theme is the central element, the meaning the author is trying to convey, and that the other elements should all, in their own way, illuminate and support that theme.
I think the theme of this piece is "calm down, everything will be fine". That is my simplistic interpretation anyway. So now let's take a look at how each of the elements I've listed successfully support or illuminate that theme. Your character Meredith is well defined, extremely realistic, and interesting in her own right. By utilizing internal dialogue the reader gets to know her quickly and it adds to the emotional ride that is driving her. She, and her predicament, are also easily relatable by the reader. (We've all been in that situation, rushing to somewhere important) She also experiences that old adage, "if it can go wrong, it will". However, rather than presenting a cliche time worn story, you have successfully used each of the obstacles put in Meredith's way, and her responses to them, to further personalize/individualize her. Now to get specific, I would suggest changing the word "invaded" in the first line. First of all, the light didn't successfully invade her eyes, and it doesn't really fit with the detail of the sunlight as a "mischievous child". I'm giving this special attention, because your description of the sunlight as a mischievous child foreshadows and characterizes the day Meredith is about to experience. You may want to choose a word which supports that foreshadowing, such as, "...until it danced annoyingly on Meredith's eyelids." To continue with your opening paragraph, I think you might want to tighten it up while adding additional information or foreshadowing. "She instinctually pulled the blanket over her head, determined to stay focused in the vivid dream. It was important. This was the meeting, the presentation she had been anticipating, dreading, but she was ready. Nothing was going to distract her. In the dream meeting, she turned away from the morning sun shining through the window and paid full attention to Mr. Jenkins." Then pick back up with your dream sequence.
The rest of these suggestions are going to focus on detail and description and how realistic the dialogue is, while maintaining your character and theme.
Meredith bolted upright. "The light!" she shrieked. It shouldn't be this bright! I would change this line to internal dialogue.
She looked at the clock. "Oh my God, it's after 8:00!" She was late and today was the presentation.
Panic forced her to jump out of bed. (but she pulled herself up short.) I'm not sure what this means, "pulled herself up short". I think I might have her stub her toe or something, which forces her to "focus". She took a deep breath and outlined a new plan of attack, reminding herself, "You're organized, you're together, and you're ready!" And you're oh, so late, (crossed her mind) I would remove "crossed her mind" as your italics tell us that. (as she sprang to get ready). I would change this line to "She sprang into action." Because you are using a lot of action words, like; forced, attack. Her Blackberry was violently vibrating but she didn't have time. "I'll get to you but not now," she told the phone and promptly put it out of her mind. Focus! (I added "violently" before vibrating, just to keep the sense of "battle" beginning and a little hyperbole for fun.)
I like the next paragraph in which Meredith grins at her own compulsive behavior and then you give us an example of her compulsive behavior and of how this day is going to be different as she decides not to brush her teeth fifty strokes. I think this is an important paragraph in that it makes the reader wonder if Meredith is truly compulsive, why didn't the alarm go off? And further, if she had kept to her compulsive routine, would this day have been unusual at all? In keeping with this "new" Meredith, who is flouting her compulsive behavior, I would change the next line to read something like, "She tossed the toothpaste soaked blouse across the room and it landed on the alarm clock. She could read 8:25 through the wet fabric. Don't Panic!" with don't panic an internal dialogue.
When it comes to detail and description, I'm a firm believer in less is more, so for the remainder of this review, I'm going to copy the rest of your story and simply edit out words, details or descriptions that I think are unnecessary, redundant, or just get in the way of your story. I may also add in parenthesis sections I find especially good or effective.
Meredith navigated the bedroom, grabbed a new blouse and finished dressing. She shot a longing look at the coffee pot as she scurried past, knowing she didn't have time. The way the day's going, I'd probably spill it, she mused, picking up her case and heading out.
She hit the elevator button and waited, her sense of urgency approaching panic. She hit the button again ... and again ... and ... Ding. The trip down to the garage level took forever. She shot through the opening doors and collided with Mr. Skinner, the building superintendant. The collision sent him backwards and popped open her computer bag. She watched in horror as her presentation erupted into the air and sheets began to scatter.
"Whoa, little lady," he said.
"I'm so late and now this!" Tears began to well in Meredith's eyes.
"Don't worry. Go get your car and I'll pick these up. By the time you're back, I'll have them all."
"Oh, thank you, Mr. Skinner," she blurted, giving him a quick hug and running down the lane toward her car, the sound of her heels echoing.
(I like how you get a real sense of Meredith through her interaction with Mr. Skinner. She comes off as caring and friendly, someone Skinner is anxious to help)
Jersey Girl, the old white Ford Taurus sat just where she'd left it. Old reliable. I can always count on you. The car had been a present from her folks when she graduated college and she had taken meticulous care of it. "Someday ..." she often mused but that day had yet to come. Maybe after the presentation? Hmm. It had been her security blanket, reminding her of family and stability in the rush of daily life.
Sliding in, she pumped the pedal three times and turned the key. Rrrrrrr. Rrrrrrr. Rrrrrr. Nothing. She turned the key again. Click, click, click. The tears that Meredith had felt before now began flowing down her cheeks which turned bright red with her frustration.
Knock, knock, knock. She jumped. Mr. Skinner was standing at the door with the papers in his hand. "Sounds like your battery's dead."
"What can I do?" she said, sniffling back the tears.
"I can call AAA for you. They can be here in half an hour." Seeing the look on her face, he added, "or, I can call you a cab. It might get here sooner."
Meredith began to sob.
"I'd offer to drive you but my car's in the shop. I'm reduced to riding my daughter's bike if I want to go anywhere," he said, trying to lighten the moment.
A desperate thought suddenly surfaced in Meredith's mind. It was around two miles to the office. She could be there in fifteen minutes. Glancing at her watch again, she saw it was 8:35. Yes, she could still make the meeting ... barely. "A bike? Would you lend it to me? I promise to take care of it," she pleaded, knowing he would say yes. Mr. Skinner always said yes.
Mr. Skinner's eyes grew wide. "Well, I guess it would be okay ... if you're sure. This must be an important engagement you have."
"You have no idea."
She followed him up to the first level where the bike was parked. "She's nothing fancy but she's in good shape." He pointed to the green Schwinn resting on its kick stand.
"It's perfect." She propped her computer case against the front handle bars, straddled the bike and shoved off with a "Thank You" yelled over her shoulder. He yelled something back but it was lost as she focused on keeping her balance.
It had been years since Meredith had ridden a bike and that became evident as she wobbled down the street. She thought about that old adage, something about, once you learned to ride a bike... Slowly, she gained confidence and began pedaling faster and faster. This is exhilarating! Why haven't I thought of this before? She loved the feel of the morning air rushing by and it felt good to be doing something other than just sitting in traffic. Speaking of which, she thought, adjusting her position as she bounced over a rough patch of road, I guess I forgot about cobblestone wedgies. Gritting her teeth, she continued to speed up.
The light at the intersection turned yellow as she approached. "Brake" flashed through her mind as she instinctively reversed her pedaling. With the sudden application of full brakes, Meredith felt the rear wheel lock and begin a slow-motion skid to her right. Without thinking, she put out her left leg to keep herself upright and felt the heel of her shoe snap.
Skidding to a stop, Meredith tried to calm her shaking as the adrenaline coursed through her. "Oh, perfect! At this rate I should have just driven into traffic and ended it all!"
She took a deep breath and exhaled. "God – I don't know why you're trying me today but I'm no quitter. You've got to do better than this," she exclaimed, setting her jaw in a determined manner.
Beep, beep! A blaring horn startled her and, looking up, she saw the light had turned green. She waved at the driver, pushed off, and was soon covering the last few blocks to the office. She maneuvered the bike down the ramp into the parking garage and put it next to the elevator. It was 8:50. I've got ten minutes to get cleaned up and to the boardroom, she thought, entering the elevator and pushing the button for 8.
Exiting on the eighth floor, she hobbled to the ladies room. What confronted her in the mirror was almost too much to take in. Her hair was windblown, her face was dotted with perspiration, and she had a black smudge on her cheek. "Too bad! I made it and that's what matters!" The image seemed to agree and smiled back. She tucked in her blouse, wiped her face and patted her hair. She pulled off her good shoe and with a quick motion, tore the heel off. "You're too tall anyway," she accused the mirror with a smile.
She picked up her computer bag and, squaring her shoulders, she marched out and to the reception desk. "Ms. Meredith Johnson for Mr. Jenkins. I've a 9:00 presentation for the Board today."
"Yes, Ms. Johnson. One moment please." The receptionist picked up the phone and called. "Yes, Mr. Jenkins. Ms. Johnson is here for the meeting." A long pause followed as she busily began writing notes. "Yes, Mr. Jenkins."
Hanging up, the receptionist said, "Mr. Jenkins is terribly sorry. One of the Board members was ill and the meeting has been rescheduled for next Monday at the same time. He said he sent you an email and text. He apologizes for any confusion."
Meredith smiled, moved over to the waiting area and collapsed into an overstuffed chair. Thinking back over the events of the morning, she began smiling. The ridiculousness of the day soon had her giggling. After all the worry and obsessing over the presentation ... and then today! She couldn't help herself, soon, she was choking back laughter, snorting as her eyes teared up. One thing she knew as she finally regained control and headed back to the bike - after today, the presentation was going to be a ride in the park! The thought made her start giggling again as she turned the bike toward the park, for a nice leisurely ride.
What I really like about this story, is that you were able to bring about real change in this character, from someone who apparently suffered and worried over the presentation, and who suffered from compulsive behavior. Keep in mind, any changes I made are just suggestions, use them or not, it is your story, and an excellent story at that!! Congratulations! I'm very proud of you. :D Bodee
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