I am a lapsed para-Catholic who actually enjoyed learning the meaning behind what I had memorized by rote. I enjoyed this because without pious condemnation cloaked in 2000 years of cryptic mystery, you brilliantly cut through to the essence of critical figures in biblical genealogy, while gently admonishing the human pompousness of the reader (‘as if we know what time is, as if our names were names’). My favorite is your line: ‘Saul, diminished and uplifted, Paul’ because I visualize the stained glass in my local church, St. Pauls, which captures the image of Saul being blinded then baptized as Paul.
I can smell and feel the crackling fire. I wonder if our friends in the northeast did something similar last night (was supposed to be 20, 30, 40 degrees below 0). Here goes my novice reaction: I notice (for me) the cadence of this piece feels like fog (helped by images such as (rolled solemn, creeping...), how it's at first hardly noticeable then suddenly, instantly undeniably, all around, in every crevice. Interesting too, that this is technically, one very long sentence, like a stream of (well-constructed) consciousness that exhaled like a breath at 40 below freezes this frame in the reader's atmosphere. I love the image of the swaddled babies, the line "they shunned the winter wind" and mostly, the last four lines. "Blizzard-bitter hand" - takes your breath away.
Reminds me of puppy love but of the sophisticated, gently desperate variety, that occurs when one is convinced one's soul mate has just made her presence known. What else could cause silence to be "stronger than words" or for fingers to be "silent movers of thought". Again, YUMMY. Your reference to ballet is interesting because the rhythm and movement in this piece in fact feels like a dance. Perhaps the dance of longing and seduction.....
This is soooo sensual. (And I emphasize sensual, like some beautifully shot foreign film, vs. sexual, like some dime-store porno). Again, you paint such a picture with a palette of your own choosing. These are not primary colors! Your fist stanza allows me to be a voyeur in a perfectly framed scene, helped by the image of the “half-lit forest hood”. Loved the symbiosis between human love and nature’s splendor as the scene unfolds over the next three stanzas. I cannot even choose specific lines because the whole is so much more than the sum of its parts. I want to say I loved “my limbs beck you to shelter” but I can’t stop there, it’s the entire Stanza I love, and I fall into this same trap with each of them – which speaks to the utter success of this piece. I need a cold shower.
This is poignant, and I suspect personal. Again, in a crisp, vivid economy of words you’ve told a patently sad story that is made even more heartbreaking by the revelation in the last stanza.
I wish I knew more about the mechanics and style of poetry to offer more useful reaction and commentary. But alas, I’ve no formal training in this craft and can only tell you what I like, what moves me, and your work most certainly does. I crave sophisticated, cunning, creative use of language which paints a word-picture so vivid it holds all my senses hostage. I don’t much care for cliched, sing-songy verse that feels like it belongs on a hallmark card (though I’ve written plenty of sappy stuff like that myself).
What I like about this piece is the suspense you create simply by how you begin the first two lines of each stanza. Reading it, I feel like I’m curled up at your feet, anxiously waiting for you to mete out the next development in this (adult) bed-time story. Lines that struck me: “were blossoms seldom settle”, “drew Psyche out of breath”, and of course the final two lines. I wanted so much to rush to the end but showed remarkable restraint, not wishing to short-change a single luscious word – paralleling, perhaps, how your gentleman must be feeling forgoing the heat so “that he might wait for passion.” YUMMY!
Hello my friend and apologies for getting back to you sooooo late. My head cold still sucks, but I did manage to read this piece (will get to Romance Writers, too, I promise!).
Overall I enjoyed this story very much. You offer clever, original, often poignant descriptions of the lives of this family....glimpeses into their past and present that strong together to weave a touching portrait. You've set a nice scene in the beginning of your piece, effectively drawing me in and enabling me to feel, sense and smell what was going on. Some images that stick out as particularly good include: her eyes were drooping like the curtain after a show...", "rattled them like coins in a spendthrift's pocket."...."Gus flossed his teeth on #2s" (though your later reference to lead I think should be changed to graphite as I don't believe we actually make lead pencils anymore. I was content to remain a voyeur in this family's kitchen, but you slowly transitioned and warmed me up to Christine's agenda for the day in the second half.
For the record, I LOVED Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment and keep meaning to get around to The Brothers Karamazov. I think now I finally will. What you seem to have done successfully is to weave what's inspired you in his work into a guiding force or more like a compass for Christine. And you've done it without requiring the reader be intimately familiar with/having read said literary classic. I also like how the title of the piece "Beautiful Mountain" serves as a metaphor for Christine's journey (I'm assuming this was deliberate).
With a critical eye I would tell you that some of your sentences were akwardly structured and required some re-reading in order to understand. Examples include: Though we'd done some cleaning this morning......there was too much restacking and too little tossing away" may be better stated..."Though we'd done some cleaning this morning, we'd restacked too much and threw away too little". The paragraph beginning with "Orange juice dribbled..." was choppy and clumsy. I get what you're doing with the Yahtzee dice in the paragraph beginning "At 10:15..." but again, bulky and clumsy. Similar challenges as a reader with "I had hugged her, not made-up and dressed-up...." "When I was six.......thinking of the subway ticket as something that promised....."I would simply encourage you to read the piece outloud and fine-tune some of the sentences which initially detracted from the overall flow and enjoyment of the piece.
A couple of word choice suggestions. Already commented on graphite vs. lead; In the sentence "....months before when the stroke was new and ways of moving on hadn't been invented" I'm thinking "discovered" is more appropriate than invented. For "I can count the occassions.....on one hand, not counting..." instead of repating the word "counting", try "including". Same paragraph, last sentence: "I blinked my eyes......getting a bit..." insead of "getting" try "allowing". Referencing the windos on the bus you use "tinted windows which lined the length..." I think spanned would be better than lined.
I loved her epiphany and courage at the end. The whole last paragraph is great, particularly "I guessed two things then...." and ties the piece together well. Write on!! Looking forward to reviewing Romance Writers.
All Hail to the Kona bean. As a coffee fanatic myself I really enjoyed this and am impressed at your knack for Shaekspere! When on when will they make the coffee IV drip? That's what I'm waiting to buy stock in. For the record, I'm a bit of a coffee purist - I like it strong and black. Thanks for a fun read!
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