I've been browsing through your portfolio, and just wanted to say how much I enjoy your writing. Your name caught my eye, and I knew that Nieve (my friend's daughter's name) meant snow, so I saw the connection to "Neva".
Your essay on coffee was beautiful. It is something a great many of us can identify with on the deepest level, and you conveyed the mixed emotions of the experience perfectly. My mother used Johnson's baby wash on my dad when he was dying of cancer because it smelled so good. As soon as he died, she threw it out because of the memories associated with that smell. And for myself, if I ever have occasion to smell it, I get sick. Life is chock full of these kinds of bittersweet experiences, and I've found that some memories from childhood that seemed unpleasant at the time are now some of my fondest; likewise, some of the sweetest memories are the most difficult to embrace.
Your writing style is so natural and easy to read. I wonder if you write for magazines? I would love to follow your writing. Are you familiar with Jo Northrup who wrote for Country Living magazine many years ago? My own writing style is similar to hers, and I see that yours is, too--writing simply about everyday things that most any reader can relate to, and finding a little bit of magic in the ordinary.
I enjoyed this article very much. I am a fan of Jane Goodall myself.
Two questions came to mind as I was reading the article: 1) Who is your target audience? ( For example, is it for a professional journal or a lay magazine? Is it for a school assignment?) 2) Was a substantial portion of it taken directly from a transcript of Ms. Goodall's presentation? You will probably take a different approach to writing it depending on who you are writing it for. Either way, you will want to include specifics, such as the exact date and location of Ms. Goodall's presentation, and if you use long direct quotes, typically those should be left- and right-indented to designate them as such and properly credited to Ms. Goodall by whatever method is required by your publication.
Once again, depending on your intentions for the article, you may have some copyright issues. I'd research that a little, especially before submitting to a professional journal or a publication for which you would receive compensation. Aside from these concerns, I saw a few minor proofreading errors that are easily corrected, and the paragraph formatting could be cleaned up some.
I'll add one more trivial comment. The word "amazing" has got to be one of the most overused words in our language; its overuse dilutes its impact. I recommend omitting it from your writing altogether. Besides, Ms. Goodall is already of such notoriety among those who would read articles about her, to say that she is amazing is redundant.
Your writing beautifully portrays your own sentiment and passion for Ms. Goodall's work. That forms a foundation of a style that will draw readers to you. Thank you for sharing this with us!
Sophie:
What a chilling poem! Superbly done. I read it through four times. Is it talking about what I THINK it's talking about?? Whoa. . . Brilliantly captures the conflicting emotions and the agony of the experience. Every separate metaphor is written with elegance and precision. If I had to criticize anything, it would be to point out two weaker lines: 1. "And shelter was my creed" (can shelter be a creed?? It's a forced rhyme that doesn't really make sense to me.) 2) "Then blessing morphed to weed" I sort of get it, but the word "weed" has so many unrelated connotations that it almost seems like a distraction that hijacks the poem and simply not a good word for the context. It's possible that is just my personal perception that others may not share. I'm trying to think of words that could provide alternative rhyming possibilities: agreed, deed, greed, read, indeed, heed, concede . . . For example, "a matchless loss indeed"? The poem can be interpreted several different ways, and that is fantastic because it means different people will relate to it and interpret it in a way that is most like their own experience. Really enjoyed this.
Assuming none of it is plagiarized, this glossary is well done. The list seems pretty comprehensive yet the descriptions are concise and the examples are clear. You did a good job of putting this together. I can picture this being marketed to poets in a book with Victorian images--flowery and ornate with illustrator's markings. I'd keep it on my desk as both décor and reference!
Poetry begins with emotion; undoubtedly you are brimming over with emotion and the need for catharsis which poetry can absolutely provide. Perhaps you could imagine boiling up all these emotions in a pressure cooker, know the steam is rising and condensing, and imagine that you could capture some precious drops of this condensation in a small amulet that you could carry with you forever or leave behind. Poetry is not what boils; it is not even the steam. Poetry is the tiny drops you capture in the amulet. Writers have tools for achieving this--metaphor, imagery, structure, cadence, symbolism, etc. In my opinion, rhyme should usually be secondary to these other tools. The messages from your poem that seem strongest to me are 1) the polarity between the genders, and 2) the imagery suggested by the words "stone", "swirl", "stone", "soft", and "corner". I loved the phrase "the stone side of me" which is neither trite nor obscure, and to me could be the basis for an entire poem in which you pointedly contrast male vs. female, defiance vs. surrender, fighting vs. retreating. In your poetry, I want to see your narrative be one of triumph rather one of submission to forces that have dominated your past. Also, your narrative is obscure, and although poems are often obscure, there must be enough substance in them to be meaningful to the reader, something to relate to. Your poem obviously holds a deep meaning for you, but because so much is withheld, readers may not be able to relate. You don't have to spill details of your particular experience, but if you want others to relate to your writing, the tools that we mentioned earlier could really be helpful.
Gosh, Max, I like this poem! In my opinion, poems should be symbolic, they should say a lot more than the words they use, they should have powerful imagery, and be suggestive of something withheld, unknown. I think the best writers embrace form because form triggers something magic in our brains, plus form provides for words what corsets and girdles provide to the human shape--they force the best stuff into the right places. My reviews are typically filled with constructive criticism, but I can find little to criticize here. The imagery is exquisite. I love the contrast of black (ravens), white (swans), and rainbows which contrast is like a jolt of electricity, and then contrast that with the gentle brown of small and simple sparrows flitting almost invisibly above the world. And then in two simple words, "like us," to illustrate the many facets of a relationship. The "something withheld" in my mind is a subtle implication that black and white are complementary and belong together, but there is another element (not just the two of us?) that "occupies the void." The poem can be interpreted as either a description of a complete and satisfying relationship, or a perfect and strong relationship being threatened perpetually by something that seems to be as harmless as sparrows. It is a poem to read again and again and again. Thank you for this, Max!
What is the age of the writer? If the author is young, I think he/she demonstrates a wise perspective that will be a platform for good writing as time goes on. If the author is older, I would say it needs a bit of a twist to it, something unexpected, to make it a strong poem, perhaps language that is not so gentle or so passive. Is the writer mourning his/her loss of dreams, yearning for the return of a squandered youth? "I am old and young. My skin is withered but the child in me blossoms still. Where are the dragons I sought to slay?"
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