This is a really good poem. Probably the best I have read on Writing.com (this might be the first 5 stars I have given). The only thing I could think to critique is the second line in the second stanza could be a word or two longer so as to keep rhythm with the rest of the poem. I think if you say it out loud, you will hear what I am hearing.
Other than that, it is perfect. A pleasant surprise for me today!
I think you are on to something, but I think this needs a bit of re-writing before it is ready for the presses.
First, I would say the positive of this story (or at least the first chapter) is that it is relatable. That is the hard part; creating a story. But how you put it down can decide if the reader stays interested or not.
What I noticed that you need to work on is how you present the scene and action. It feels as if you are trying to force feed the story onto the reader. You are describing it for them instead of giving them ideas of how it is and letting them create the scene for themselves. I would be interested to see how many times you used the word "she". The story seems to be "She did this" and "She did that". This means you are not letting their imagination work, which can lead to them losing interest. Also, keep in mind the length of your sentences. If they are all the same, it makes the story feel like it is given in rapid fire succession. Change up the length of your sentences to give it a rhythemic flow.
The good thing is that these cons are common for beginning writers, so no need to beat yourself up about it. Success just takes experience. I would suggest reading your favorite writer (preferably someone who has been awarded). Pay attention to how they write; their sentence structure, their character development, how they describe action. While this will be helpful in "how" to write, you still need to find your own voice, which takes a little time and experimenting.
I wish you all of the success and luck in the start of your new career. Keep it up!
I would say that this is a very creative idea, but it feels more like an essay than a story. I think if the sins, since they are characters, would converse it would be a lot better than just explaining it yourself. Readers don't like to be spoon fed, plus dialogue is important for character development.
Also, be careful with grammar. You wrote: "Speaking of men, they are an easy target when it cmes to pride." I write everything on Microsoft Word, then copy and paste.
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