What an excellent poem. Nice to see there's a genuinely fun poet left out there.
It has great rhythm and pace to it. I could actually see the characters, too, which I don't generally get from poetry. I also loved the 2 x 2 rhymes, too. There's probably a technical name for it, but I don't know what it is.
I generally write novels, so I'm certainly no expert critic, but for what it's worth, that poem just cheered me up.
Take a look at my port and see if there's anything you like on there, any feedback will be gratefully received. :o)
Hi Xylch, what a great little story. I've got to say I really enjoyed that.
We recently had two cats and they gave the whole family so much fun and joy; they were sisters and bundled each other so regularly. Our dog tried to referee but would get his nose clipped when he interfered.
It's funny, Lunette doesn't like the smell of coffee, because neither do I anmd every one thinks I'm mad.
Good to see I'm not a total freak. Haha!!
Hi Lela, this one's a lot happier. Clear and concise, short verses and it says what you want it to say. It's hard to critique as it's so short. Great use of the word intertwined by the way; that couldn't have been easy to bring in. Maybe it could do with being a bit longer? Again, it has great rhythm. :o)
Hi Lela, that is one sad poem. I understood it that the girl killed herself?
It has real emotion in it. Is poetry your thing? I find it really hard to write. Even thugh it's sad it read really easily and I said it out loud twiceand it has real rhythm to it. I also like that you don't feel you have to rhyme all the time. Great job! :o)
Are you new to Writing.com? I only joined about a week ago.
Overview – I really enjoyed reading this. It was a truly lovely story, brilliantly told and had me wanting to read more about Kerk and Marli. I like the concept of a ghost choosing to stay behind and not enter the light. And the idea of Marli being a ghostly parasite was great too. Great job!
Characters – Kerk and Marli came across as genuinely in love. Marli seemed to have a far better sense of humour than Kerk, but then again Kerk is mourning her. They were three dimensional and seemed real.
Readability – The story flowed really well and as I said earlier, certain concepts were well written.
Flow – The general flow made me read to the end. I do get bored sometimes, but this didn't bore at all.
Dialogue – The dialogue made me read on too. I find dialogue helps to make a story more readable and can create tension. There ws nothing wrong with the dialogue.
Conclusion – In spite of a couple of missing letters here and there and missing punctuation, this was really well written with captivating characters and overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Keep writing! :o)
Hi Damaris, this is a lovely ghost story with a happy ending. I liked both characters and thought you did wonderfully in bringing the characters to life. Amanda seemed like a caring and curious person. I always wonder why people in stories walk towards scary places and go in, but it wouldn't be much of a story if she'd just walked by, would it? I felt really sorry for Karen, too. :o(
Just a few comments, though. It would make it far easier to read if you use the line spacing options at the bottom of your story page, as there would be breaks between each paragraph. Also, I think if you paragraph more and use full stops more it would read more easily.
That aside, I really enjoyed reading Amanda's Cry.
Hi! I couldn't find any text or story so far; it just took me to the choice of type of person, then said congratulations you've reached the end and enter my own updated text to the story.
Hi! A really cool poem. Nice twist at the end, mentioning King Henry 8th and Ann Boleyn, although I don't think she was a danger to him, since she was the one beheaded. Very rhythmic and concise, which I like. It maybe could've been a bit longer though. Maybe a couple more verses (if they're called verses).
Hi! I've got to say that this has a really great rhythm to it. I've read it out loud twice and I really like the way it sounds. I like the way you change the rhyming and switch from every other line to two lines in a row. I'm no poet but it's growing on me since joining this site and reading some. Superb effort. Keep it up!
Hi! I thought it was a great start and I wanted to read on. Lena a drug dealer? Interesting. We haven't met her yet but it certainly makes me want to read on. Very visual, which is good. I thought you could've described Kieran and Danny a bit more, though. There was a fierce intensity when Pain arrived, which I love reading in stories. All in all, great job!
You might like a story I'm writing called The Road To Revolution.
Hi! Absolutely stunned. Your poem is without doubt the best I've ever read, and I don't say that lightly. I've read it out loud twice and just love it. And it's music to my ears and I'm English.
Speaking of music, if you put that poem into a song it would easily be a hit number 1. Maybe sell it to Greenday or another politically vocal band? It would be reminiscent of Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start The Fire', which is in my top 5 favourite songs.
I've rated it 5, and I don't do that very often. If you have any more, please let me know as it was an honour reading it. Also, I have 3 chapters of my novel, The Road To Revolution on my page. If you have a chance, please review; it will be gratefully received.
Hi! Superb atmosphere and imagery in this. I could see the characters and hear the accents. Jasper says Jeez Louise a lot, I thought, but it only added to the character. I could visualise the aftermath of the crash and see the dying driver with his twisted head well. t kept me reading and I would like to read more. Have you finished it yet, or is it a work in progress?
Thee were a couple of spelling mistakes and missed letters in some words, but other than that I thought this was excellent. Not sure why you put it in as sci fi, but maybe you haven't got that far yet?
I've rated it 4.5, only cos I very rarely give out full marks in anything.
Keep it up!! Very impressive.
If you have time, maybe you could check the first chapter of The Road To Revolution on my page?
Hi! Loved that story. Very short and comical, mainly inside. Unfortunately I didn't laugh out loud, but I did have a smile on my face when I read it. It's hard writing comedy; it's not something I've tried.
I've written the start of a short story called One Bad Day and would value your opinion.
Hi Sherri! Truly great piece of poetry. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Awesome rhythm as I read it aloud. Magnificent imagery and the pictures accompanying it are good, too. Couldn't find any faults with this at all.
Whathave you published so far? I prefer stories to poetry.
If you have time, perhaps you wuldn't mind reviewing some of my work? I'm new to here.
Hi, wow! A really emotional piece that shines. It was a joy to read. I wouldn't want to pry into the meaning behind it for you. I'm more of a story writer than a poet, but I know the kind of poems I like to read. Great job!
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