The story is simple enough, I didn't face any challenge understanding that portion. There are just a few minor problems...I'm not sure whether it was your intention to make it rhyme, I was confused since the bulk of the first stanza rhymes but after that it just stops. You're also missing punctuation....You should probably ignore my advice on punctuation as I tend to use it obsessively and often in the wrong places.
In my room on the bottom floor(,)
The bay is calling outside my door(.)
Past the gazebo, beyond the moor(,)
Courtly waves lick the shore(.)
Softly touching against the shells(,)
Gently curling on the pearls(.)
And the shells whisper(:)
Baby, please, push ashore(,)
Rub me with your wave.
Make me tingle, I want to soar
Across the river and in the sky.
Send me like an arrow flies.
Hold me close, like before
Send your quiver
Through my door.
Please come for me(,)
Don't let me down
I miss your sound(,)
Your sensation
Is what I need
Your elation what I crave
So baby,
Please
Come for me
In room one o' four
1) Every sentence in the first two paragraphs has a to-be verb which makes it unnecessarily difficult to get invested into the story.
2) You don't explain why the people in the bar hate him; had he developed a reputation in public of criminal inclinations? You have only alluded to such a disposition, but not necessarily set the foundation to justify the removal of a blade in his presence by seemingly random individual.
3) The descriptions in the sixth paragraph stand out, and break the flow of the story. I'm not telling you that you shouldn't use large words, I have a terrible habit of using poly-syllabic words as well, but incorporate them in a fashion that does not disturb the flow. Rephrase it.
4) I'm particularly fond of the conclusion as it implies that society manufactures the distressed, and the habitual drunks. But I believe that also could have had a much more profound effect if you had just rephrased it a little:
My reverie came to a sudden end at the hand of loud honking from a car horn. I realized that my unconsciousness had led me to the middle of the road. I looked up, and saw the terrified eyes of a man and woman as they panicked and served away.
Crash?<<<I'm not sure whether you should include that, in fact...I think you should remove "as they panicked and served away. " as well. Leave the audience pondering about his condition.
No doubt I enjoyed the purpose of the poem, but a couple problems existed in the the rhyming scheme: Sign-time; pleased-knees.
I could delve deeper into the meats of the poem, criticizing every little detail but that would just be cruel and serve only to demoralize you, as I've had it happen to me. So I'll cheap keep it vague: Avoid using words unless they're absolutely necessary. Avoid to-be verbs. Watch your punctuation.
The entire piece flows very easily, and I experienced no difficulty understanding any of it; the recommendations that I am to mention are ultimately subjective and would serve only to improve the aesthetic qualities of the piece should you take them into consideration.
I must recommend that you not use to-be verbs so often. By consciously avoiding them you force yourself to delve deeper into the details of the story, improving its descriptive quality and thereby painting a more vivid picture. I'm also fairly certain that had you chosen the third person POV it would also have improved the impression of the tale.
And another feature that would improve the quality of this writing PROFOUNDLY, that I must mention again and again on this site: Subtlety
.... This art has really waned over the years, textual expression has become so blunt and rigid. The transitions in the piece, particularly, are rather abrupt and the ideas expressed are just conveyed in a single sentence or two. Of course this is a short, trying to cover a tale of great breadth, but this issue stands nonetheless.
The introduction effectively caught my attention, but there are a few minor grammatical issues present throughout. It's difficult to tell whether these were inserted consciously as it may simply be a product of the narrator's speech. To list a few: "...or my failure to act." ; "...on my conscience." ;"They think I am a hero..." The rest of the tale didn't have this problem really.
A little background on some of these characters would help a great deal.
Those were the meats of the problems I could identify, the tale has a great deal of potential.
It's really refreshing to read poetry that rhymes; it has become so uncommon. I really enjoy tales that are out of the ordinary and of profound philosophic purpose:
We have here a darkened room present at the verge of Hell, contained therein, conversing with his adult form, a little boy present in the process of actually going to Hell to approach and quarrel with Satan. Just to make sure that I interpreted the symbolism correctly: Is the adult recalling a profound struggle he had at an earlier age?
P.S. I'm sure you're well aware that there are quite a few problems with spelling and grammar, as you had quickly produced this piece; you should consider revising your works before posting them as it becomes difficult to tell whether or not the writer had any knowledge of the presence of these mistakes.
I enjoyed the story, particularly the bit during his unconscious phase with the moon and planet. But I must tell you that the descriptions in the beginning were very rough. They felt rushed and too blunt. A few of the clauses could have been merged together to make the entire portion flow more smoothly.
A wonderful tale with a wonderful development on perspective! But permit me to share a note of advice, that I had encountered at a fairly young age: Avoid to-be verbs at all costs. By using them you limit yourself to direct expressions. For example, instead of saying: It was fortunate that the walls were so wet ...Try, Fortunately he slipped through wet walls. Notice that by removing those to-be verbs, I had to insert another--In this case, "slipped." This effectively places you in a position that demands the insertion of another verb, one that much more effectively illustrates the environment.
That alone would considerably improve the quality of the piece. After that I would recommend delving even deeper into the thoughts of the individual (infant :P)--Or if you could manage to pull it off, try to describe the environment in such great detail that the reader cannot imagine anything outside of a real prison cell. You could achieve this by avoiding all mention of wetness or un-prison like qualities until the final paragraph.
Well done, this tale definitely has great potential.
hmmm...i'm actually in love with someone myself, reading your letter here has motivated me to write something myself.....but, to get to your letter, I'm struck with the impression that you're speaking far more to your favor than to hers. You are really spending far too much time writing about yourself. Don't assume that you know what she is thinking. She knows what shes thinking, but if you're wrong, then you're definitely screwed. Tell her what you are thinking, she's probably far more interested in that. Remind her of why and how you feel in love with her....
You have a great deal of potential, and I understand that the abruptness is an artistic eccentricity, and the bearded man above knows that I do not wish to infringe upon your creative identify. But this really isn’t working out! Its very unstable, abrupt and it lacks greater emotional depth; particularly for a subject that could yield far more beauty and expression—you’re denying yourself this luxury by pursuing abruptness. Paint the world that you want the audience to see with your words. Or at least avoid using so many pronouns, it really detaches the reader from the story.
Every great written work begins with a deeper message, what separates a great writer from a mediocre one is the ability to express that message subtly. The more you elaborate your environment, the more the reader will enjoy the tale and the less forced this message will appear.
A very sociologically profound poem, for this reason I appreciate it greatly as I can relate with the readily identifiable motive behind this piece. But whether it effectively conveys the emotion which I am certain you contain as an individual, I am not entirely certain. Not to say that it fails entirely in the emotional sphere, but it remains rough and the transitions rattle my consciousness thereby jolting me out of the most favorable state of mind. Generally speaking the poem remains steady and the transitions do not falter. But the few instances where you make peculiarly rough selections in vocabulary... it stands out and disturbs.
Permit me to explain by identifying a single instance that stood out as particularly unsteady:
"The world comes now to a close
Quite against our beliefs and liknesses
The angry beast that now crows
Is not so easily seen"
The first line contained great potential and opened many doors, but that second line which began with "quite against" immediately stood out and destroyed the fervor that I had anticipated upon reading the first line. Ultimately, its lacking the grace that a poem of such merit could very easily possess.
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