Paragraph two: This sentence is a tad awkward. Consider revising.
Paragraph three: "Some people have coffee, others sit...."
Paragraph six: "As I walk into my place of work, I am beset of questions of concern such as "Are you okay, John?" and statements like "You're not looking so well""
Paragraph seven:
"The meek man inside me whispers "Pull out your phone call and-" but Macho man interrupts with......."
Remember to start a new paragraph for any dialogue
There are several small grammatical mistakes throughout the piece as well such as "she was stunning, I thought. I had a hard time resisting my desire to stare"
At one point you also slip out of first person into third person ("the battle of the opposite position ensued until John said")
"the sea had raised a bounty and swept it upon my shores that I might live again" - I love this line
Nice work. It isn't easy to introduce a character and conflict within 995 words but you did it.
Wow, what a horrible situation and such a tragically beautiful poem.
Your use of repetition really enhances the poem as does the consistent rhyme scheme.
The ending line is also very powerful. It is so sad that such a tragedy occurs so much and your piece really captures that.
I usually don't review poetry (as I find it difficult since it is so subjective) but I had to leave a few comments on this. You have a gift. Keep writing.
I loved the rhyme scheme of this poem. It is hard to write a poem adhering to a certain rhyme scheme and I thought you did it very well. The title is also very apt.
I honestly am not an avid Dr. Suess fan (most of my Suess knowledge comes from the musical Suessica) but I enjoyed this piece especially the fun facts and I would suggest you do the same for more authors. I would love to read them!
Was the capitalization of Love intentional? It does not detract from the poem- I am just curious.
Another thing I noticed was that you have a pattern "our hearts" "our lives" "our love" and then you break it...whether it was done on purpose or not I think this is clever because it breaks from the poem's rhythm just like a broken heart does.
One thing I forgot to mention in my first review is that I particularly enjoy that every chapter is another school day.
My suggestion is to raise the stakes a bit. Instead of merely talking to Mari, maybe he could aim to score a date with her instead? Especially since he does end up talking (however briefly) to her in this chapter.
I also enjoy your excellent use of metaphors.
This story read like a young adult novel I might have plucked off the shelf and devoured eagerly.
I loved your descriptions and your word choice. They do a good job of distracting from the fact that the characters (a slacker boy and a geeky girl) are a bit cliche. However, as I said before, you make it work.
I particular enjoyed the character of Mr. Clark.
Even though, the characters are middle school the tone of the story is more directed towards an older audience. But the story is so good this does not detract from the piece.
I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work.
I loved the consistent rhyme scheme of this poem and the poem's rhythm.
I also loved the extended metaphor as your sister as "your princess"
I think letter poems make for some of the most powerful poetry.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brokenshards
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 1:30pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
