though I've hard time seeing myself as poet, others will refer to me as such. and with that in mind, I'd thank ye for this ode to the poets and our works :)
love the "pools of our desires" and "similies born of spirits' creativity" albeit, I wish my words all the time would "boogie" across the page. too oft, they would crawl as an unsteady babe :)
I did stumble once. in S2 L1 "stanza" is singular and "lines" is plural. my guess was stanza might have had an escaped s on its tail at some time :)
again, my gratitudes for the recognitions to all of us :)
my applause! "Leaving Home" reads smoothly like a Robert Frost poem in rhythm. mechanically, it works well. all your line breaks seem appropriate. the run on lines of the opening contrast with the heavily end stopped lines throughout the middle and ending. it works. the opening pulls the reader in and keeps the eye being drawn to the next line.
my favorite is that opening line. strong. and gives the reader full sense of tone the speaker maintains throughout, melancholy yet determined to move forward.
an only possible suggestion, if ever you'd decide to expound, expand on this piece, that opening line in closing might give the "things come full circle" feeling as the speaker comes home by choice or by duty. the work just carries that feel.
in just flipping through a lot of stuff, something stopped my mouse and bade me click on this. it's a closed contest, yes, but how I needed to be reminded on this dawning of a new year's day.
it works as an acrostic poem, yes, but the message so far outweighs the form.
favorite line: L6 "Submit yourself therefore to God."
if I would make any suggestion it would be to myself and that'd be to make none for as L1 notes, "the truth endures all generations."
and you'd choose the road not taken. great choice! and I thought the manger would be overlooked and ignored :) if this is a named form, I don't recognize it as such but I see the refrains and you use them well to the poem's advantage and your variance of the final refrain in final line carries the conclusion.
love 3rd stanza and how the donkey cries with Mary in childbirth yet is so helpless to console or cure her pain.
suggestions to improve? I must apologize for I've none to offer :)
if you'd earn top spot for originality and creativity, I'd not be surprised :)
well done! your opening four lines hook and reel me in and L3 is my favorite by far. having had the fever just last winter that hung on and wouldn't break I understand this verse well. Lines 8-9 also carry their very own raw power.
and when my times draws nigh to face The Lady one final time, I'll stand and walk along side her with pride I've lived my life to the fullest. I hope to refuse to let her carry me down that final path.
oh, how well, you say what we all should but oft don't know!
in passsing random names in the circle of sisters then titles without award ribbons, I come in search of something to review and feel grateful to the circle of sisters for all they do.
how you define the bond between all three, love, lust, and passion makes it seem so simple. don't we all wish it were so easy.
ne'er settle for any two of those three and write on, Lady! :)
well-deserved 1st place on this piece. love the tone you set with the opening liine. coolness of the silent fall takes me out to the misty fall morning overlooking the meadow. May God bless and guide you until we find that final celebration. and. . .write on! :)
whoa! you write with power, lady! and the title caught my eye as I used same for a Spenserian sonnet in the best sonnets contest. but I digress. . . love your premise and those opening three lines took hold of me and held me for the full ride. and you close just as strongly, and in offering opinion (as that's a tiny part of what we're sposed to do, tis my understanding) the middle finds me wanting more dramatic effect. seems weak in comparison to begin and end. and the other thing I'd do is turn its meter into nigh perfect iambs. they seem so right for the wonder and magic of this piece. but again, tis just opinion :)
now that's good,. I had to smile. but who doesn't like ignorant bliss..for a while. :) great job! and in 100 words, there's not much room for error'n edit. it works or it don't. this one does :)
love this tale of "half-remembered movie lines" and how I love that image too :) you capture well that thing we all go through, and come the night, in dream, it's right, but come the day, inspiration fades in light :)
lol great job! so reminiscent of the billygoats gruff or a big bad wolf fairy tale. a hundred words leaves not much room for critique. it either works or it doesn't; this one works. . .quite well :)
whoa! if you'd win this day's efforts would be no surprise to me! love it, and what you've done with the spacial concept of a shape poem. and really only two nit picks and those both preference. in reading aloud several times over, in line 5 I might switch "quietly" and "He" to read ". ..in front of Pilate, He quietly stands." my other thought comes with the dice reference. it wasn't a roll of the dice or by chance, but God's design and plan that Jesus die on the cross. something about it NOT being a roll of the dice or chance. again, though, tis just my thinking. overall, still a great piece of work
nice work. your message is clear and rings loud to me as my own writing has taken this direction in recent years, but it's been long slow process and progress. thanks for posting this reminder to not just talk to God but listen too.
oh yeah. last line. typo. Thar I think you might have meant That :)
interesting syllabic. and love love the name of the form and title doth fit the from well. will be no surprise if before my eyes, the winner today is you :) and oh, yeah. I will try one of these next time I want to write in syllabic form. rather than haiku :)
love the write! won't surprise me if you win this day's work :) speaker is clear, and you capture the elements of mood and setting in as much is what's unsaid as said; you don't have to waste words and space in desc to acomplish your mission.
now. I do have one thing that's direct throw-back to my college days and my mentor in formal verse. he always warned of word inversions to get a rhyme. first line of last stanza has more normal syntax inverted to get the end rhyme. normal speach would be "she came to the warm home"
and it's a nit picking thing. and a common practice especially in more archaic times. word inversion is just something I take note of now and try to avoid in my own work, so I guess it stands out for me when I see it. but. it's strictly opinion :)
thanks for sharing a great write and a form in shape I do admire :0
Monty
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