I really liked this. The flow was excellent and so was the pacing. My only issue was with the word cacophonous. It's definitely a risk to include such a word in a story written for children because parents that read the story have to stop to think about how that word should be pronounced (it's not something used in everyday language).
I had to look it up, lol.
Overall though, it's a delightful story that I can relate to!!
What a great story!! I really loved the fast pace and the action. I would've liked to have seen more about the alien girl but I'm suspecting they'll be a second chapter?
I would only tweak a couple of parts. The first is this:
Then I delivered another swift round kick to his jaw, keeping his arm locked and feeling the joints dislocated under the torque of my rotation for the attack.
I'd write it this way:
Then I delivered another swift round kick to his jaw, keeping his arm locked, feeling the joints dislocating under the torque of my rotation for the attack.
After that you have this:
By then the other two were almost on top of me, shock and rage in their expressions how quickly I dispatched their leader.
I'd rewrite it this way:
By then the other two were almost on top of me, shock and rage in their expressions at my quick dispatching of their leader.
I really like your style!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bushihat
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:35pm on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
