I really liked this. The flow was excellent and so was the pacing. My only issue was with the word cacophonous. It's definitely a risk to include such a word in a story written for children because parents that read the story have to stop to think about how that word should be pronounced (it's not something used in everyday language).
I had to look it up, lol.
Overall though, it's a delightful story that I can relate to!!
What a great story!! I really loved the fast pace and the action. I would've liked to have seen more about the alien girl but I'm suspecting they'll be a second chapter?
I would only tweak a couple of parts. The first is this:
Then I delivered another swift round kick to his jaw, keeping his arm locked and feeling the joints dislocated under the torque of my rotation for the attack.
I'd write it this way:
Then I delivered another swift round kick to his jaw, keeping his arm locked, feeling the joints dislocating under the torque of my rotation for the attack.
After that you have this:
By then the other two were almost on top of me, shock and rage in their expressions how quickly I dispatched their leader.
I'd rewrite it this way:
By then the other two were almost on top of me, shock and rage in their expressions at my quick dispatching of their leader.
I really like your style!
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