I really hope there is more to this story, if not, it would truly be a shame. I was captured right from the start! Your use of adjectives is remarkable. All my senses came alive, especially when Sue described the local bakery goods. The only things I saw that need a little fixing was comma placement (my down fall) and quotation marks. When a character is talking and it is more then one sentence long, you don't need to put quotes around each individual sentence. ex: In paragraph #48 : "Let's take a ride," "there's something I'd like to show you," Sue said. Try this, "Let's take a ride. There's something I'd like to show you," Sue said. Or, "Let's take a ride," Sue said. "There's something I'd like to show you." If a person is making a long speech, just put quotes at the beginning and end. Paragraph #57: "Oh, sorry", "please call me Bryna", she replied as she brought her eyes back to her guide. "I was lost there for a moment. It's almost like praying just to stand here isn't it?" "It has such a spiritual presence you can't help but feel a part of it". Try: "Oh, sorry, and please, call me Bryna," she said as she brought her eyes back to her guide. "I was lost there for a moment. It's almost like praying just to stand here isn't it? Such a spiritual presence, you can't help but feel a part of it"
The only other part that i saw that needed a little tweaking was paragraph #27: March in Wisconsin was a total crap shoot as far as Susie was concerned! Forget in like a lion and out like a lamb, it could just as easily be a case of the great abominable paying a surprise visit on April 1st with a fresh flaky 8 inches of the white stuff right about then the old rickety city plow had been retired to Hank's Mobil for some much needed spring resuscitation. - I understand where you were going until the part about the plow. Suggestion: Forget in like a lion out like a lamb, March in Wisconsin was a total crap shoot as far as Susie was concerned. - You could use your line about the snow, which I liked a lot, but maybe add how it could also be warm as ....(fill in your own words here. Your description would be better then mine any day.)
Overall, this is amazing! I'm truly honored that you gave my writing such praise after reading yours. You are very good story teller. I hope i helped with my review. I always feel strange writing a review when I know that I have a lot to learn myself.
Keep going, really liking it! One suggestion I have is to be a little more direct on who is talking. You had Alex and Sami talking and then Sophie came into the conversation and i had to re read that part over because I got a little confused. No big deal though.
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