Hi Cat,
This excerpt promises an interesting and possibly difficult journey for Miranda. I've written a few comments about the excerpt which you can use or toss as you see fit.
"She had heard her mommy and daddy arguing and had eavesdropped on them..." This line is redundant. I would use either 'she heard' or 'she eavesdropped.'
Because this is part of a longer piece, it's impossible to know if you've already made it clear that we are witnessing the emotions of Miranda but without any other information about the longer work, I would, at a minimum, suggest attributing the actions, dialogue and emotions to Miranda, a couple of times.
An example might be: "Miranda heard her parents arguing earlier that morning and was terrified to see that her daddy had already packed his suitcase."
The following may be a typo: "...only to find out HIS daddy had already packed..."
"Miranda screamed her lungs out.." is a cliche and I'm guessing with your great imagination you could describe the screaming in a more compelling way.
"The little girl was shaking with heart-wrenching sobs" Here you've described Miranda crying but you have not indicated to whom the shaking sobs are heart-wrenching. In this instance you should show, not tell, about how heart-wrenching the sobs are.
The final sentence is a powerful segue into the main text of the story. Breaking it up with a coma or a period may be even more effective: "And, she was right. Miranda's dad never came back."
Again, this sounds like the beginning of a great story about struggle and survival. Hopefully Miranda and her mother find the strength they need to stop all that crying and shaking and live a meaningful and productive life without the man who left them in such a mess.
Good luck with your story. I'd love to see the longer piece and keep up with Miranda and her mother.
I'm confused. My 'bio' tab says that I have not completed it. My 'Portfolio' tab, however, contains what I placed into the 'bio' page. When I attempt to update my 'bio,' (again) I see displayed there--on my bio page--my portfolio page--which contains my bio info. How do I refer my potential readers to my portfolio tab to find my bio?
Wow, this is a twisted tale. This being my first actual review on Writing.com, I'm not sure how deep to go here.
Generally speaking, your descriptions are excellent and the morning scene of waking up lead me right to the assumption that Greg was the drinker. Fun twist there and I was able to imagine the scene of Greg coming in with the milk and the excuses.
The story is short enough for you to add some backstory if you chose and it might help deepen the impact of the final scene and perhaps help the reader feel more empathy/sympathy for the protag, if that's what you're after.
I hate a cheater but I felt a little sorry for Greg.
Couple of technical nits here: When you reference the doctor, you might consider saying doctor and not doctor's, unless you add office, as in, doctor's office.
There are a couple of errors with regard to POV and the reader being shown thoughts or feelings of Greg. Since it's written in first-person, we can only make assumptions about what Greg is feeling or thinking.
Good story.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bzirkone
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 1:01pm on Dec 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "