The details in this story is astounding. You have handled each description so deftly that the characters are well rounded and developed. Their realness springs from the page and connects with the readers. I also admire how you handle descriptions of places and emotions.
My favorite line was 'wearing a gown of twisted metal and crushed in nature's unforgiving embrace'. It's a pretty cool metaphor.
I also admire the fact that you managed to express such a horrifying incident in the opening sentence without startling the nerves out of your readers. You do have a mastery of words.
I think you should try to develop this into a novel. It would be worth it.
This is so not a perfect summer. I was blindsided! I thought I was about to read a lovey-dovey romance, but you had to hit it straight out the ball park. You had me captivated right from the start, and I really was not prepared for such a solemn ending.
You are one great writer. I am looking forward to reading more from you. Just give me a heads up next time!
The title of the story suggests warmth and fuzziness all over. It is therefore a very appropriate title, because this is exactly the feeling I got whilst reading the story. The description of the scenery was so detailed that I could picture it clearly. I liked the start of the story itself as it is somewhat unconventional yet sets the tone of the entire story. It lulls the reader into a comfortable place; simple but profound. At the same time the style of writing and the tone are consistent throughout the story, and the grammar is flawless.
The one thing I would probably change is the language used by the kids, just to make it sound more age appropriate.
I don't think I have ever read a story from an animal's point of view who had a mature voice. This is therefore very unique, and refreshingly so. It was great that you took the time to develop the background of the characters so that readers can understand the genesis of the relationship between Abigail and Annabelle. It also explained the reason behind the cruelty of the father, so much so, that I almost felt sorry for him, despite the tragic outcome of the story.
This is simply great. It has to be the best story I have read in a long time. Its hard to believe you wrote this in response to that prompt. (Good thing I never bothered to enter!). I like critiquing short stories, but I forgot all about that once I started reading yours. You had me hooked from the start and you carried the tempo throughout. The voice was also very consistent, and the story very credible. All I have left to say is excellent job, do us all a favor and keep writing.
I appreciate the gist of this story. I am relieved that it came to such a happy ending.
The overall feel of the story is affected by some grammatical and punctuation issues. Do consider these that are most striking.
1.There should be a question mark at the end of a question, not a comma. There are some missing question marks from the first few lines of the story.
2.Be careful with your tenses. "The old woman was Sandra's nanny..." You should substitute 'had been' for 'was'.
3. "As they walked, Sandra babbled about the farm". The ideas presented in this paragraph are choppy and should be rewritten.
4. "I didn't have many friends except for Chester." I think you should just say that Chester was your only friend.
5. "On the way to barn..." There should be a 'the' before barn.
6. "Sandra smiled at the little girl holding back tears." I am not sure who was holding back tears here, Sandra or the little girl.
7. "Tasha smiled at Sandra tears in her eyes." A comma would help make this sentence clearer.
Based on the grammatical issues, I just want to point out that you have to be careful not to make your sentences ambiguous. This will impede the message in your story.
On a separate issue though, your story started with the mention of a 'younger girl' . She took centerstage at the beginning of the story and then she disappeared without the reader knowing her identity or her purpose. it makes me wonder if she was really necessary in the story.
I don't know much about riding horses, but I still find it incredible that Tasha was able to write while she was riding Chester: "Tasha looked at Sandra sympathetically. "Are you okay now?" she wrote.
This is not a bad story.I believe careful proofreading would have produced the desired effect. A good idea is to get someone reliable to read over your work before publishing. Good luck.
This is intriguing. I was looking though to see some growth or some resolve on the part of the protagonist. I want to be able to determine the context behind the voice. Why is she having this monologue? Did something happen? Is she giving justification for some action on her part? I hope you understand where I am going with this.
You have a very good start, but I think you need to consider all the elements of story writing and them look back to see if you have indeed cover them. I hope this helps.
I really love this story. It has a great opening. I became immediately immersed in the scene when the protagonist saw the unexpected face book message. The use of face book here was also a very good choice as it is so current, and something most readers should be able to identify with.
Great use of the flashback technique. The flow was so perfect that I was able to slip from the present to the past and back without encountering any difficulties.
The characters seem real: The happy-go-lucky kids, the effortless falling in love, was so realistic.
I give you props for the conversation between the two. I like the effort Manola makes to learn English just so he can say 'I love you'. Your characters show development over the nine years - Manola is now speaking better English.
Overall, I found the story light and engaging.
Your story demonstrates that you have a very clear grasp of the elements of story writing. I will highlight a few of those elements that I found significant.
Conflict is evident from the very beginning. This young girl struggles with anger at and fear for her mother. There is also a suggestion that she may have lost respect for her. I get that from the fact that she snaps at her and walks away when her mother attempts to speak to her. She also longs to have a normal mother daughter relationship, but their roles are reversed. The daughter is the protector and the advisor. She cannot understand why her mother sits in an abusive relationship that even she knows can only end wrong. 'Melissa knew it was going to happen again, it always did'. The conflict impacts her relationship with her best friend and her performance in school. I thought the reference to the stubborn lasagna stains and the likening of it to the bad memories the protagonist keeps having was brilliant as it encapsulate the permanent effects of this unfortunate experience.
The turning point in the story is also well defined. Melissa chances upon a woman who is also in an abusive relationship. She is reminiscent of her mother. it helps the protagonist to understand that her mother's abuse is not an isolated case. She is able to talk to this woman in ways she could not talk to her own mother. She is also able to tell the woman what she is unable to tell her mother. This is in effect a unique therapy session where both persons are in turn patient and therapist, and where the patient and the therapist are helped.
The climax occurs shortly thereafter. She returns home and the violence escalates until her mother is within inches of her life. Melissa finally reaches out to her and she responds favorably, and make the important step that frees her from bondage.
What is lacking here though is editing. This is pretty major as it covers grammar, diction and punctuation as well as style. There is excessive use of commas, and some quotation marks are missing. There are several examples of the misuse of capital letters with words such as 'mother' and 'school'.
The writing style / technique needs significant improvement. For example, in the first paragraph, there are several references to 'Melissa' and 'Melissa's Mother' when the writer should have been using the pronouns 'she' and 'her'. This tendency is carried throughout the story.
I suggest that you examine the length of the story. It is too long for a short story in my opinion. Besides, there are many unnecessary details that do not add to the essence of the story.
Deux-Mille Memoires speaks of an experience that should resonate readily with mature readers. Most of us should be cognizant of the memories that are automatically evoked through the act of going through old photos.
The use of imagery throughout the story is vivid, piercing and appropriate. From the details of logging camps of eastern Quebec to the farmsteads of central New Hampshire, the author has created such an idyllic picture that transports his readers easily through the corridors of time. ‘Fingering those photos, I can almost smell the fresh loaves of sour-dough bread, baked beans simmering in molasses, minced deer meat and ‘tourtiers’, or ground-pork pies that were to die for.’
The author talks about the issues faced by his family are also relatable to most. His mother becomes shunned by her family for her incorrect association with a foreigner. The impact of this was that he suffered the loss of an entire side of his family that he never got to now.
DRSmith gives a realistic portrayal of Aunt Amelia and the rest of the family. It is easy for one to laugh at the escapades of the family, to join in the fun and to lament with the author that times have changed. I read the mishap that befell Poivre with bated breath, and let out a sigh of relief when I discovered that he had escaped unharmed.
I was disappointed though to find that the story lacks a climatic end. I believe conflicts and resolution are key parts of a complete story, and the fact that they were missing made this Deux-Mille Memoires seem incomplete. The writer could have taken his memories to that point or incident or whatever it was that caused the family dynamics to change. Were Aunt Amelia, Aunt Teresa and Uncle Armand the glue that held the family together? Did they die, perhaps tragically? Did they return to Quebec? The point I am trying to make is that the story would have had more poignancy if this had been explored. DRS is such an excellent writer that he raised such expectations, most of which were fulfilled.
‘Left or Right’ by J presents a sobering analysis of the indecisive nature of man, and the debilitating impact of inaction.
J uses the vivid image of the literal crossword to symbolize the emotional crosswords that the protagonist has reached in his personal life. Just as he is faced with many choices at the intersection of Kendall and Henderson, he is presented with as many choices in his own life. The intersection is a symbol that haunts him as he dispassionately goes about his routine, painfully aware of the lack of motivation or direction in his life, yet powerless to make the requisite change. Deep in his psychic, the protagonist understands that there is a need for change in his existence, that he needs to be rescued from the doldrums. He also understands that he needs to be the catalyst of that change. The first paragraph reveals a sobering glimpse of his life from his own perspective: ‘...taking the same route that I always did.’ ‘Kendall was a dead end’; ‘I didn’t have much hopes for my future with the company’.
J’s choice of profession for his protagonist is ideal, as it further paints him as an individual with minimal contact with other human beings, and builds the idea of him being devoid of humanity. This lack of humanity is extended in the manner in which he regards his wife with not a glimmer of affection. Even his pretence at outrage at her cheating falls flat as he cannot dredge up enough emotion to sustain the facade. This pathetic attempt to break free of the monotone of his life failed miserably as he could not cope with being removed from the sameness of his life.
The obsession with driving to Miami becomes clear when it is revealed that a previous trip though seemingly trivial had left indelible imprints on his mind. As slight and insipid as the exchange was, it represents such a sharp contrast to the usual nothingness in the protagonist’s life, that it has created eternal impressions on him.
As is the norm, it takes external forces to put him in motion. It is the green light and the red corvette that spurs him into action. The writer cleverly does not indicate what direction is taken. There is also no indication throughout the story that could make the reader believe that the protagonist has finally taken decisive action. And so he once again ‘eased on the gas pedal and turned the wheel’.
Rosie Lees' discourse on the contents of women's purses makes for a very fascinating read. She begins with a very engaging introduction which provides an explanation of the concept behind the topic, which instantly drew my attention. She then deftly leads her readers along a journey of further discoveries as she conducts research for her informal survey, then smoothly arrives at a well written conclusion.
Her handling of the subject matter was superb. She manages to take a subject that some may consider trite, seeing as it is not crucial to world piece, and highlight the fact that it is a subject that is of great significance to half the world's population. Mindful of this, she deftly weaves the piece together with such depth of thought that one is left in no doubt of the magnitude of its importance. As a woman who has often declared that I could live out of my purse for weeks in the desert, the topic was relatable to me, and very intriguing.
Her style of writing is impressive. Her comedy is indeed hilarious, a clean laugh at women with no intent to be offensive. Lee invokes women everywhere to laugh at their foibles. 'I wondered if there was a purse code I wasn't following'. She makes reference to herself to inform her readers that she too is guilty of such inanities, that she understands what drives them, even though, like the women in the survey, she may not necessarily have a succinct explanation.
I enjoyed both her writing and her sense of comedy. I look forward to reading more from Rosie Lee.
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