\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/calikidd78
Review Requests: OFF
40 Public Reviews Given
197 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I critique on style, imagery, flow and point of view, etc. I'm not the best at grammar so don't expect me to nit-pic in this area. I use Microsoft Word and an app called System Speech from the Microsoft app store to do my own edits on grammar and such instead of reading it. I find it easier to catch mistakes and less straining on my eyes. I am honest and fair. I try to be helpful and not condemning. I will critique based on what I perceive to be the authors intent. I refuse to give bad reviews or rate below a three so if I come across something I really don't like I simply wont review it.
I'm good at...
I would say that my strengths have grown in the way of imagery.
Favorite Genres
Science fiction, Fantasy, and general Fiction including Crime/Gangster.
Least Favorite Genres
I would love to say Romance, but some Romance novels are worth the read. Especially those with a lot of action, preferably not erotic action. I am not real fond of poetry either but I will consider some.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, chapters, really good prose, or yes image stimulating poetry.
Least Favorite Item Types
Really bad stuff that I can't review because I have nothing good to say.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Calikidd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for asking me to read your muse. I felt like I walked through a lifetime with a man who was content except for a strained relationship. That relationship met its end it seemed on mutual ground it sounded and the one thing he wanted from the beginning doesn’t enter until the end… seemingly of his life. Maybe I am young in my thoughts that this fulfilled dream felt like a terrible sense of Irony, but then again if I was on my last days and in my last moments would it not be a wonderful thing to see a dream realized?
If this is based on a real life story, then I applaud you for putting it into words. If this is a fictional muse then my critique would be to not make it so easy going or wonderfully acceptant. The difference being what I would hope that a real person could have experienced, having tasted the real joys of life verses the grasping suspense and drama used as hooks to build a plot in a fictional world.
I don’t do much by way of grammar unless it is really bad, in which, I probably wouldn’t review it. With that said I made some statements based on style below.

She held my hand and smiled at me as we shared our innermost thoughts and feelings and then after a while she leaned up against me and I placed my arm around her. I held her for ages as we continued to talk, (Why do they have to talk, it causes the reader to lose the muse. And expect a conversation. Could not they just be without the use of conversation?)as our souls became more and more intertwined until you could not tell where my soul ended and hers began and then she finally turned to me, reached up to caress my face and kissed me.

My go__amn unless you intend this to be ‘G’ rated why not just write out the swear words? Also since you are using edited curse words you’re already ruining any attempt to make it ‘G’ rated. Writing is all about imagery so the use of the censored words has as much impact as if you didn’t censored them. I suggest either using them in their full form or remove them completely. phone goes off again. I must have hit snooze instead of turning the f___ing same as above, thing off.

{c:maroom I intend all of my reviews to be helpful, so please take what you need and leave the rest. This is your story and as the author you naturally know what is best for it.
Thank you for allowing me to read and review this
Aaron.{/c]

My rating of an item doesn't completely reflect how much I enjoy a story but how many critiques I gave concerning it. I found your story very enjoyable
2
2
Review by Calikidd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is quite large so I'm breaking up my review into several different areas.

Prologue;

There is much telling in this, although its Carl speaking it feels narrative. Maybe start with indicating that Carl is speaking and add some imagery as to where he is. He could be on board a spacecraft speaking to recruits into the military in a large open bay. Maybe some of the young recruits have questions that interrupt him adding some conflict, drama, or dilemma to his speech even comical something or other. They could be floating in orbit of a world, or in the asteroid field of what used to be Earth. This is just a suggestion, it is your story please take what you need and discard the rest.

Chapter one part one
The Pov in this chapter is everywhere. I'm guessing I'm in omniscient point of view because I'm in everyone's head. This style makes it difficult to connect with a character. As a reader I want to identify, empathize, and/or even despise a character while living in their world. I want to see through their eyes and feel what they feel. If Leon is your protagonist I suggest flowing from his point of view. Sam could be your protagonist as someone who is telling us as story about Leon. Either way It would be nice to flow in one person's eyes as the story unfolds. If you change point of view, please warn us so that we, the reader, know that we are about to enter a different characters mind.
These are just suggestions, please take what you need and discard the rest. The use of the word "glass" is highly redundant at the beginning of this. Mug, cup, jug, tankard, flagon, etc.

Chapter one part two. This part begins at; The room was dark, only illuminated by the glow of the Television.
I like the misinformation displayed on the TV by the media. How it is reminiscent of modern day. I must say this whole time I was in Leon's head and well displayed. I liked this part. Much of his thoughts helped me to identify with Leon.

Chapter one part three. This part begins at; The bar was empty tonight. Leon sat with a full drink in front of him. He didn’t feel like drinking tonight

This is another mind hopping part. The dialogue jumps and is slightly rough. This is because we jump from one mind to another.

Chapter two part four. This part begins at; “What happened?”


This is much the same so I'll not continue to mention it.

In all I think you have the makings of a very interesting story. It needs polishing but as the author you know whats best for your story. I think you are very talented and have the ability to turn this into an exciting suspenseful masterpiece. I don't know why but I developed an image of Robocop mixed with Star Wars Episode ones trade federation droids, and the United States Revolutionary war. A very complex image. You have an art and I hope my critique can help you polish your masterpiece. Thank you for sharing it.
3
3
Review of Dr. Beverly Siver  Open in new Window.
Review by Calikidd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I found this well done and interesting. The picture you added gave me an image that lasted throughout the first part. I wonder if I would have the same image if the picture wasn't there. I don't know but it is a thought. I also wondered if an out of shape woman or man, would be diving into a dangerous cavern. I am thinking that she would be in shape for her to be going into such a precarious situation. She doesn't have to be a Olympian but I'm considering NASA standards, and not being judgmental.

I am concerned with the destruction of Earth and some of backstory and this is good, but you did start with an action scene that could form into a great hook. The precarious suspense of the first scene could be heightened. This is not a negative statement but a positive one. I think that you did well with this but your masterpiece could be given even more oomph to make it even more grasping.

Also the mention of the indigenous creatures would have more effect if maybe they did attack the vehicle. You could give them an image and make the situation more intense. I also think that giving them a name to begin with helps to draw in the image that you are creating.

The dialogue was good and the interaction between scientist interesting but there was a lot of information, which I know is needed but it slows the story down. You want to keep the story moving. Keep the pace going as much as possible especially at the beginning. You did well with creating action in the first part but slowed substantially in the following parts. It didn't subdue me into the character as much as I would have liked. I want to become the character. I want to see through the characters eyes. I think you have the talent and capabilities to provide this so this is just a critique and I hope not something to be taken negatively.

With that I think this is very interesting. I think it is well on its way to becoming a masterpiece with some polishing. I hope that my critique is helpful. Please take what you need and discard the rest. It is your story and I thank you for sharing it.


4
4
Review of S.R.M.S.  Open in new Window.
Review by Calikidd Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for allowing me to read your very intriguing Sci-fi story. I was entertained by much of the futuristic jargon. My main critique would be the jump between points of view without warning. It seemed that I didn't know who's head I was in at times and that was disrupting. There was a lot of confusion as to what was going on at times and I know that, that was meant to bring me into to Marianna's mind, but we jumped from PoV a lot and that just caused more confusion. I'm not sure who the protagonist is at this point, Scott or Marianna. I personally think that some background on your characters and some warning prior to the point of view jump would help smooth out how it reads.

I hope my critique is helpful. This is your story so do as you feel is best.
4 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/calikidd78