I am really intrigued by this story so far. The way you describe such a simple human event is very visual and you can feel the emotions develop. I want to check out the rest of this story and I plan to do so soon. I seen no typos or bad grammer, everything flowed perfectly.
Your poem is not only emotional but sad. I feel like you have had your trust broken and that is why you keep your feelings locked away. The only thing people can do is respect your desires to remain private until you find yourself ready to open up again. The nice thing about writing though is being able to share those secrets under whatever disguise we choose. Hope you keep writing.
So far and I say so far because I tend to read more, your story has great story telling elements. This kind of reminds me of the first time I picked up an R. A. Salvatore novel to read the adventures of Drizzt. I see Tanis having those kind of exciting adventures. The only thing that seems to need work is your description for the entrance into the hidden city. While your description is good it is a little too long and draws the reader out of story. Is there a way to maybe enter it into their conversation? It is just a suggestion. Anyhow good luck to you and I wish you the best on your writing.
This is a great start..I really like the characters and the story you are telling. The only advice I would have is that you repeat yourself a lot, you may want to check yourself for words you use over and over again and try finding a different way of stating the same thing (I know I too have this problem and it is a tough habit to break), you will get there with practice. Continue to work on this story it sounds to be a fantastic journey. Best of Luck!
Your writing is very moving and you capture pain and being alone quite well. You seem to have a bit of confusion in your writing, at one point you speak of him having lived in the city from birth and a little later you say he moved there at eighteen. Maybe I read this wrong but it seems to be your only inconsistancy that I saw. I enjoyed reading this and I think after you fix some minor typos, you will have a very strong piece. Great job.
This is a very interesting story idea. I'm interested in finding out how this ends. Please let me know when the next chapter is available, I'd be happy to read it.
This was a really sentimental read. I enjoyed watching the family grow and the changes they went through. It's nice to see a family go through so much yet still remain close. You did a great job capturing their moment in time when everything, even the struggles was probley the best time of their lives. Great job.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/calistarwind
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 4:54am on Dec 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
