-- This is a delightful short poem about Christmas and the things people do during that time. Your descriptions create the perfect images in my mind. The rhythm is good and creates a sort of relaxed, cheerful feel to the poem.
Suggestions
-- None. Your grammar, spelling, and punctuation is good, and there's nothing I would change about this poem.
My Favorite Part
-- I like the way this is written; it creates a wonderful, heart-warming description of Christmas time.
My Rating
-- I'm giving you a 5. This poem certainly deserves it!
-- This short poem manages to pack a lot into it - a lot of contradictions (hmm, maybe THAT'S where the title came from? Haha!). I think it captures quite well the complexities of emotions and of life itself in just a few short lines.
-- Normally, I think that poems should have punctuation just like normal sentences. But somehow, the lack of punctuation in this piece, except for the period at the end, seems to add to the meaning - to me, it seems to speak of how quickly emotions and situations can change, not allowing time for a pause. And even without punctuation, this poem has good flow to my ear.
Suggestions
-- In the ninth line, I think you meant "by." Other than that, I have nothing to point out, and nothing I would change about this piece.
My Favorite Part
-- In a poem this short, it's hard to pick just a couple lines as my favorite, especially when they all go together as one whole thing. However, the last two lines are so true and very relatable for me - I know what that's like.
My Rating
-- I'm giving you a 5. I think this poem deserves it.
Final Thoughts
-- You did an excellent job with this short poem, fitting so much into it. It left me with many thoughts about how fickle emotions are. Very nice job, and write on!
-- This poem reminds me of a girl I know who's liked a guy for a long while, but he ignores her, or when he does speak to her, it's just cutting her down. I think that your poem captures that sort of situation very well - the longing for someone who never really stops to think about that person.
-- I loved the tone that you wrote this poem in. It doesn't hold any punches and tells the situation in a wonderful way. You have good word usage and the rhythm is also good to my ear.
Suggestions
-- None. Your grammar, spelling, and punctation are good. There is nothing I would add or subtract from this poem. You did a wonderful job.
My Favorite Part
-- Definitely these two lines:
You judged and you labeled, but you never met her.
You haven't considered the things she can achieve.
It's a perfect description of so many people, who say things without thinking about their impact, without ever really knowing the people that they're talking about.
My Rating
-- I'm giving you a 5. This poem certainly deserves it.
Final Thoughts
-- Once again, you did a very excellent job. This is a very perceptive, descriptive poem. Well-written!
-- I like the content of this poem. Even though the poem is vague as to why the character is trying to remember some person, that adds, in my opinion, to the overall feel of the poem, that of being stuck in the past, but a past that is beginning to be forgotten, though unwillingly.
-- I like the imagery you use, of how the present is still going on around the character, but the character is still stuck in memory that is slipping. The overall effect is almost like that of a daydream, where you are vaguely aware of what is going on around you, but more aware of what is going on in your mind.
-- Even though there isn't a set syllable pattern, the poem has decent rhythm to my ear, sounding natural and not forced.
Suggestions
-- I feel that this poem could benefit from more punctuation. I liked the way you used some parentheses and dashes, but the poem could use some more punctuation to help give the reader clarity in where to pause and what meaning the line is implying. This is just my opinion, of course.
-- I found a typo you may want to correct in the 18th line - "minds" should be "mind's".
My Favorite Part
-- Simply the way you describe the character's attempt to remember - like that of a daydream, where the bustle surrounding the character is nothing more than an "insistent buzzing" as you put it.
My Rating
-- I'm giving you a 4.0, mostly for what I wrote for suggestions - the poem could use some improvement, but overall, it's a good effort.
Final Thoughts
-- A good piece on a half-forgotten memory that the character is slowly losing the battle to retain. Nice job!
-- Good descriptions told with a melancholy air. When I first read through this, I felt that the emotions were a bit dead, but then I realized that that added to the poem, as the character is still probably grieving for his loss.
-- The final lines are quite heartrending, and a good way to end it, in my opinion. It allows the build up of all the lines before, wondering where the poem is headed, and then the last two lines deliver their crushing ending. Nice job.
Suggestions
-- None as far as grammar, spelling, or correct form is concerned; you did an excellent job.
-- I feel that the you may want to change one of your usages of the word "own" because of repetitiveness in these two consecutive lines:
He read them sitting in his own foxhole,
And wrote his own letters to her daily.
Perhaps try "his small foxhole," or something like that. This is just my opinion, of course.
My Favorite Part
-- Definitely the last two lines. They were a good way to end, and caused me to gasp a little bit from their unexpectedness, but at the same time, it wasn't entirely a surprise because of the tone of the poem.
My Rating
-- 4.5 for near perfection!
Final Thoughts
-- Very nice job on this piece. Well-told, with a great mix of description and feeling, all climaxing at the end. Write on!
-- Normally, I'm more attracted to dialogue-driven stories, but the details in this piece grabbed my attention, so I kept reading. I feel that the details you used did an excellent job of showing the character's view of the world, while not being a burdensome read.
-- I found myself relating to the character in the story, with her desire for solitude, as well as how she always kept what she was really feeling to herself to avoid causing conflict. You did a good job of making the character unique with all of her quirkiness, but still relatable to the reader.
-- The story does a nice job of showing this time in the character's life, striking a good balance of showing what life is like for the character and what she thinks of it, as well as what the character really wants from life - something that maybe we all want at times.
Suggestions
-- None. As far as I noticed, there were no spelling or grammar mistakes. Detail was used but not overused for this sort of story.
My Favorite Part
-- The bit about the "Backstory" game. It was an amusing touch, and it's also something that I find myself engaging in from time to time
My Rating
-- I give you a 5. I can't find ways this piece can improve, and this story definitely deserves this rating.
I think that this poem has some good thoughts, but it could use a little help in making those thoughts better seen. It is a bit lacking in rhythm, especially in the third stanza, where the first couple of lines have a much shorter syllable count than the other lines. Also, there are a couple mistakes I noticed: in the first stanza, fourth line, "elses" should be "else's"; and in the fourth stanza, second line, "mistaskes" should be "mistakes." However, as I said, I do like the poem's thoughts; how you care for the friend and don't want to see the friend get a broken heart. With a bit of revision, I think this could be a worthwhile poem. Keep writing!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/camisado
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 9:02am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Here's my review:
