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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/candid-ishida
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36 Public Reviews Given
36 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to always point out at least one positive aspect of a piece of writing because I believe anyone can learn to create art, write, and express him/herself! If there are areas that seem lacking or questions I have that were left unanswered, I usually address them by making suggestions that I feel might improve the piece of writing. As for grammar/spelling, I don't normally take the time to point out every single mistake, but I will make a note of distractions like lack of paragraph breaks, changes in tense or POV, and confusing sentence structure.
I'm good at...
Theorizing about hidden meanings, getting hooked on captivating characters, making positive suggestions
Favorite Genres
Horror, Mystery, Supernatural, Paranormal, Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Adventure
Least Favorite Genres
Comedy, Romantic Comedy, anything with an ambiguous ending
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Novellas, Novels
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Non-Fiction
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Yay, Chapter 4 had arrived! I'm really enjoying following this story as it progresses. I'm going to include a running record of comments/questions that arise as I read. (I think I did that before??) I hope that's helpful.

"and though he searched his brain for an answer" - Davide didn't pose a question, so I'm left thinking, an answer to... what?

"The boy nodded and turned to retrieve it, only to throw up his hands in a desperate attempt to catch it." - I'm confused as to why he's catching the lantern. Did Rosa throw it? If so, why?

"Besides, you'll need all the light you can get down there, and my phone is an experimental prototype with three times the battery power; we'll have light for hours." - Since they all seem to have phones, this negates the point made earlier about only having one light. All their cell phones would have lights on them.

One question I have is, if Jay's grandfather (or his partner) had the key, why didn't he ever use it? Why did he make the city rope off the cave? If he had used the key and opened up the chamber, wouldn't that have proven he was right about the Primogenitors?

This chapter moved the story along, and set up an inevitable run in with an enemy. I'm predicting that the kids are going to discover something important in the cave before the Back Star agent arrives: something that will completely change the situation!


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2
2
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wooaahhh, there's a lot to take in here, and it's only the first chapter! The magic system you created seems deep and concrete, which is awesome. I think a fantasy universe that has rules and consequences is much more immersive than one where people use spells and powers all willy nilly. The fact that a bell rings every time Sky uses his ability tells me that there is some kind of price to pay, like a countdown that might be ticking down minutes of his life or sucking away his energy.
You also raise a ton of questions about the Forgotten organization, the identity of the fire wielder, the origin of Sky's curse, and the world itself, which will keep people reading until they find the answers.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Nine Circles  Open in new Window.
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I felt a little skeptical at first, because to be honest, the story opened a bit weak and there were some spelling/grammar errors that worried me. However, with each passing chapter, the language became more descriptive, the mystery grew deeper, and I became more curious. I would be interested to find out what happens next. Not revealing exactly what everyone saw on the television was a good move to hook readers, in my opinion.
Some of the details reminded me of Supernatural, making me wonder if these siblings were involved in some kind of paranormal situation that went tragically wrong. Is that how they lost Zeek? Is he *literally* burning in Hell? Leaving those questions unanswered for now is a great way to keep people reading.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of The Granson Place  Open in new Window.
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
As I start reading, I wish I had a little description of what Ralph and Todd looked like so I could picture them in my head. I really enjoyed the tale of the murder, it has all the makings of a gruesome urban legend. It might be nice to know what they're doing while they're talking about the history of the house, though. Are they leaning by the car? Walking around?
All of the dialogue was great, however, and the ending was classic. That old man was genuinely creepy! I wonder if he was also a ghost, or survived out in the woods all those years...
Even if he was a ghost, the most unbelievable part of this story has to be that two teenagers have such nice cars!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Game Models  Open in new Window.
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Why was the rest history? The AR game you described almost sounds like it would plunge users into a real life version of the Sims. It also reminds me of an app I once tried called "Life RPG", though that was much less advanced and didn't involve any AR.
So, is someone actually going to make it a reality?? :D


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Stalk Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I enjoyed the clinical way Braxton lays out his plans when the story is told from his POV. He is calm and logical about the stalking process, which lets us know that he is mentally unstable enough to rationalize everything he's doing.
I felt like the ending was a little anticlimactic, though. I would have guessed that Azaria wasn't actually kidnapped, rather that she entered into some kind of protection program after Braxton threatened to kill her. Also, what happened to Augustin? Did he die? Was Braxton apprehended by the police?
After following Braxton's POV through the entire story, suddenly switching to Azaria's memories felt out of place and left the piece unresolved, in my opinion.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh boy... I read these out of order. I'm sorry!! I don't know what I thought I was clicking on.
Anyway, I'm really enjoying (finally, lol) the introductions of all the characters! So far I think I like Bian and Davide the best. That curry rice comment was pretty cute... is he going to be the gentle giant type?
"Hi, I'm Jaiyesimi Scott, but you can call me Jay. I like adventure movies, pop, and chicken sandwiches"
All right, now... I've gotta point this out. You mentioned the Harveys were one of the richest families on the East Coast, but I can promise you that nobody, I mean nobody on the East Coast says "pop"! Unless she's talking about pop music, that is!
Now that I have the whole story (so far), I can see how everything is fitting together. I notice there are five main kids... If this story is, in fact, inspired by Power Rangers, please tell me they end up getting powers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
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Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
As I begin to read the description of the craft looming over the city with soldiers jumping down, I get visions of War of the Worlds, mixed with District 9, and a splash of Sailor Moon from the star/space motif. It's a great combination of sci-fi and fantasy imagery.

"A viewing screen activated behind the diabolical man" jumped out at me, though. Describing your villain outright as "diabolical" sounds a liiiitttttllleee cartoonish. Show us why he's diabolical instead of saying so.

Next: "I know that was a lot to take in, but let's just take a deep breath, relax, and try to get on with our day; whatever's going on halfway across the world shouldn't affect your first day of high school!"
I think Mrs. Kilpatrick's reaction should definitely be altered. As a teacher, I can tell you that while our first priority would be to keep students calm, there's no way we would resume class like nothing happened if war was just declared. Realistically, the school would probably go into "Lock Out" mode, which means all the exterior doors are locked and nobody is allowed in or out of the school. The principal would probably then call the local police. Contacting parents and dismissing school would be the next step (the way you have it happening) but students would probably be dismissed one class at a time with adult supervision, not everyone running out the doors at once.

My main question at the end of this chapter is, what age group is this story aimed towards? Personally, I'm loving the outlandish villains. They seem like they jumped right out of a dark episode of Power Rangers, or a comic book. I have a feeling more "mature" readers might not take them seriously, though. I think readers who are the age of your characters (middle school/high school) would be the most engaged by this story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I reviewed one of the later chapters in this story and was curious enough that I had to come back and find out what preceded it! The references to the hidden, ancient civilization bring to mind the mysteries of Atlantis and ancient alien theories, something that I know tons of people find fascinating. One thing I wish this chapter had is a teensy hint as to what Jay looks like. Since her grandfather is Nigerian, I assume she might have a dark complexion and brown or black hair, but I'd rather see that description in the text than just guess! A little bit of description (as a child and again as a teen) would help people visualize everything Jay is doing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
As I was reading, the descriptors used to indicate the speaker, such as "the frizzy-haired girl", "the bespectacled ringleader", and especially labels that simply use the character's ethnicity, like "the Latina", quickly became distracting. I understand the desire to avoid repetition (I used to do this a lot too), but more often than not, it's better to use the character's name. Throwing those variations in every once in a while doesn't hurt, but when they are used frequently, it makes it hard to figure out who is talking. Also, referring to a character as "the Latina" or "the Vietnamese girl" feels a little dehumanizing. I would find a more natural way to indicate the race of the characters, like including cultural details when you mention their families or hobbies.
That out of the way~ I love the premise! You created a group of distinct characters and threw them together into this situation which really mixes things up. I realize this is just one chapter of a longer work, so I'm missing a little bit of the background (I should go back and read the rest, lol). Even without knowing everything, I can tell there is enough mystery here to keep readers engaged. I get the feeling that Jay and the others are *quickly* going to end up in over their heads!
Another strength is how the conversations between the characters feel very natural. Everything they say sounds like something people would actually say to each other. Through the dialog, you indicate which characters have known each other for years and who is brand new to the group. I also was intrigued by Bian, who is so anxious (maybe even on the autism spectrum?) that she communicates to her best friends through text. I've never met a character like that before, and her quirk reflects the mannerisms of people I have met who are extremely introverted and/or have autism.
Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of Sacred Rite  Open in new Window.
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Even though the premise here is sinister, and the twist at the end with the unknown being laughing was ominous, I felt a little unfulfilled. It seemed like something was missing to bring the story to completion. Keeping the motivations of the four mysterious figures vague adds to the creepiness factor, but the narrative might benefit from a bit more depth to bring it all together.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
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Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Even the passive title is creepy somehow if you imagine the request coming from some unknown source! This definitely took a turn I was not expecting. I find it really cool how even though this story dips into the realms of both horror and sci-fi, it preys on the real life fear that most people have of being watched. I know many people who suspect someone is watching them through their webcams, or that Google is recording their conversations. I even have co-workers who put tape over their webcams! This story would probably not make those people feel any better XD


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I definitely got a little chill when Sam saw the eyes at the bottom of the stairs. There was a good build up and a lot of tension up until this point. I noticed a few typos, though, and the narrative is kind of simplistic over all. Maybe some more atmospheric details would help make it more immersive? Also when she is thinking (talking to herself?) it might help to include quotation marks to help separate her thoughts from the rest of the text.
14
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Review of Candy Store Ghost  Open in new Window.
Review by Candid Ishida Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ooh! This reminds me of a series of animated ghost stories called "Yamishibai", though this tale has a happier ending than most of those! I wasn't expecting the twist involving the baby at the end. Is this based on a legend of some kind, or an original story in that style? Either way, you followed the format of that type of story perfectly and the descriptions really pulled me in.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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