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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I admire you that you're able to mourn through a poem. I couldn't do that. I wish to write something but I couldn't. My HTB passed in July. It's very painful. No one's ever prepared when death comes. It leaves a wound that will seem remain fresh forever.

Peace be with us.

Candy

By the way, welcome to Writing.Com.
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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Yay!
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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Doremi!

I'm so sorry. It took me this long to send you my thoughts about your story. Here's my review on "Chapter 1 Beginings" Open in new Window..

But please remember that I am not a professional reviewer. I am still in the process of learning the trade of writing.

Writing Style and Theme:

I liked how you intertwined the settings, the emotions, concerns, and thoughts of the characters to send to the readers the message of what's happening to the people in a poor condition.

Your writing style could make the readers be emotionally attached to each of the characters. Maybe because you've made them alive whenever you tell us their values in life. And how events try to break it.

This reads like I am listening directly from an elderly person who would want to teach a nice lesson to his or her children through the story of Jesse and his family.

Flow of the story:

You try to keep the readers interest by leaving out some details and then slowly unveiling it through the process. I noticed this on how you introduced Cecily's character. I like it. It did not hamper or slowed down the flow of the story. It was just right and effective.

Because of this, as a reader, I was eager to follow the decision that Jess, Cecily, or Lilian would take considering their difficult life.

For edit:

Or was it innocent? ---> Or was it innocence?

By the way, I also like this part because it subtlely shows the difference between ignorance and innocence. It made me think. *Smile*

What else?

Your story was written in the third person. However, at the end of the chapter, there was the one statement that was in the first person, the storyteller's voice. My initial response was, "Why it suddenly appear there?" But after a moment, I thought of how this story would develop. But all the other chapters seem not to be accessible right now.

I think I've read some of the other chapters before but have not finished it.

Anyway, Doremi, thank you for sharing your story with us. I learned some important values in life from there. Stories like this, to me, is priceless.

I hope you are doing fine.

Happy writing!

Candy

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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's nice to see the prodigal son returns 2024. Author Icon's Dragonia here.
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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings QueenElizabeth Author IconMail Icon! Congratulations for winning the Candylerra package in the "The WDC - Anniversary Raffle Party" Open in new Window.. *BigSmile* This review is part of the goodies included in that package.

But please be aware that this review reflects my opinion only, and I am not a writing expert. I do hope you find something that is interesting or helpful to you.


*Bulletg* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS ITEM:I was intrigued by the title ""GO RUN DOWN THE STAIRS!"" Open in new Window.. Who said that line? and Why?

When I read the short description, I reacted like, "An argument over lettuce? That's insane! But an after thought reminded me of the times that I also had this kind of squabble with my siblings and friends.

*Thumbsup*WHAT WORKED:I liked how you've woven a story about arguing over lettuce. Choosing the character of a brother and sister with their own physical limitation makes it delightful to read.

Writing it in the first person perspective also worked that it read like coming from a real experience of the author.

*Bulletg*NUTS & BOLTS: These are odds and ends that I present for your consideration. My goal is to help make your writing stronger, but it is up to you what will work for your story.

I understand this item was submitted for the contest that could have a word limitation. Without this restriction, here are my thoughts for improvement.

1. I think there is a need to show the build up of anger of the brother so it wouldn't read jumpy at this part.

2. I wish the conversation has more inputs like shooting words of fire to each other until it showed the irritated exchanges between the siblings.

3. I could picture the characters in my mind with the given description, but they were like paper dolls to me. It lacked a filling. Maybe the reason was because it needs more feelings in the way it was written.

*Starg*OVERALL IMPRESSION: Some say that a good story inspires the reader. I was inspired. I had actually thought of a new story out of your work. So, for a newbie, this is a good start. With some tweaking, it could be as more entertaining and influencing.

Toast for your story!

owl signature

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Review of The Bridge  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Chris24 Author Icon,


I thought of sending you a reward for a job well done on the first step of the NAG Orientation Program. However, you can't consider this review coming from a professional writer. Just a review from a buddy. *Bigsmile*

So here I am. I browsed in your port and read some interesting stories. This is one of my favorites. You know why? Because it hit the truth about living our life.

Your story is one example that fiction is responsible to the truth. I've learned this maxim in one of the creative lessons I've attended.

"The Bridge" Open in new Window. is engaging. The dialogues are enough to reveal and create the smooth flow of the story. But there's one I had wished it was written in a different manner: the introduction. Maybe making Roger hanging on the bridge while he scanned for the last view he could have would be more interesting and would create a suspense feeling, an instant connection of the reader with the character.

Hmmm... what else? What about using an em dash on this sentence?

I stepped down off the edge that day—a changed man.


I think these sentences have to be inside the quotation marks. Right? I tried to change some words but not to mean it's the best. The thing is I am thinking if saying I'd lost so much is needed to be expressed. I think it can be implied.

“That’s just the icing on the cake! My wife and son... I lost them in an auto accident, my business from the depression, my house and savings from piling bills."


What do you think?

That's all for now. Will visit in your port again.


owl signature



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Review of Hot and Cold  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, JessCarsen Author Icon!

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You may have wondered receiving a fan'd notification from me. I've actually explored in your port and smiled reading from your items. Anything about relationship interests me, especially the males perspective on it.

By the way, in case you read this review with difficulty, I'm sorry. English is not my native tongue, so please bear with me.

"Hot and Cold" Open in new Window. is my favorite. You have described perfectly the female's inconsistencies in a relationship while expressing the male's reactions on this. I really love it!

The only suggestion that I could extend to you is on the last verse, third line. However, I also copied and pasted the last line for clarity purpose.

I've made so many excuses for you, but, hey,
I think it is now time to walk away.


Hey is an interjection which needs a comma after it. I noticed that you used a comma before but, so I knew you're following the comma rule of putting a comma before a coordinating conjunction followed by a clause. In this case, hey is in the middle of the sentence which needs to be encapsulated by a comma.

I hope I have made myself clear.

Honestly, I could really hear from your poem the man's confusion, and I felt guilty about it. On women's behalf, I'd like to say sorry for the confusion. This is how far your poem brought me. And I really thank you for expressing your frustration.

By the way, thank you for fanning me back. *Delight*

Keep on expressing yourself, Jess!

Nice meeting you!

Also, congratulations for being on Newbies Academy Member Showcase!

owl signature


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Review of The Memory  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Wayne Foster Author Icon,

Happy Valentine's Day, Wayne!

This review was supposed to be sent to you last year, but I didn't make it because of some real life issues.

I'm relieved that this item is still in your port. So here's my review.

As you've said, I'd like this poem. Indeed, I did. It brought me back to happenings buried deep within my memory bank.

I remember the slide, the happiness and when it crumbled. Ah, your poem had me regressed. I'm thankful for its effect. *Delight*

There's one thing I'd like to point out. It's in verse three, line four. But I copied and pasted its line three as well as it connects to the last line.

We take them all along with us,
and keep them as we grow old.


What do you think of the edit? I thought of omitting and so your comma after us would be justified, and then inserted them to give clarity on what to keep.

However, it's up to you whatever you think is best on this.

The best thing is that you've subtlety directed me to the past and find its value in my present life.

So I thank you!

Keep writing, Wayne!

owl signature







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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Danza Author Icon!

Thank you for asking for a review on this piece. I understand how much you wanted to share your personal experience to others because I also have the same desire.

But you know what? When I wrote my first story, after listening to others view on how I had done it, I discovered that I held back some necessary details. It surprised me. All along I thought I was transparent and bold, but then I guess the emotions attached to that personal experience distracted me in writing the details and with clarity.

Why am I sharing this to you? I noticed the same struggle that I had in your write-up. The good news is that you have done the first step towards achieving your goal of making this piece as a great testimony, that is when you asked for reviews.

Before I start relaying to you my thoughts about "Family Drama, Angels, and Karma" Open in new Window., please know that I only have a limited knowledge on creative writing. But I'll try to extend to you the help and lessons I also received from other authors and teachers.

If I were listening to you in person, I would ask you questions like these: Why did they turn against you and your sisters? What is it that they couldn't accept? What is the war all about? What made you think that you were doing the right thing?

Well, for me answering these questions would clarify each other's side. Then we, as a reader, would be able to identify with the situation of either side--taking note that a testimony can also be an eye-opener to those who are on the bad side.

Also, since I don't know you personally, the phrase Everyone that knows me knows is not enough if you wanted this testimony to be public and not just within your family and friends circle.

However, it is not easy to write a testimony. One has to be willing to be exposed in order to extend the life-changing effect of the experience. There is one way that I'd like to suggest. This may work as a writing exercise. What if you try writing this in a third person perspective?

Somehow, this may help you give the necessary details since you, the main character, will be played by another person. As far as I understand, in a testimony, one has to present how messy and ugly was the situation in order to highlight God's work. So, I think if we could achieve that in our story then only we can say, "Success!" *BigSmile*

I noticed that you already received more than 20 reviews on this. That means a huge of advice. I hope this one will be of help in reaching your goal.

Oh! I almost forgot. I enjoyed listening to the song In the Arms of an Angel. I have heard this song years ago, but I never sought it again not until you mentioned about this and even posted the lyrics. Thank you for sharing this to us.

hApPy DaY,

Signature from Sam

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Review of The Hiding Place  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Showering Acts of Joy Member to Member Review


Hi, Whiskersandhersisters Author Icon!

It's nice to get in touch with you again. I first decided to check on your port to know you more as my team mate. *Smile*

Here goes my review on "The Hiding Place" Open in new Window.. I hope you'll find this review helpful.

*Heart*

True, God is the best and safest hiding place: A place where we can face things we cannot face without further harming ourselves and others.

First Paragraph

I liked how you started the hiding place as a child's game. It set me to remember also the time I was playing it. With this, I journeyed with you and shared the same feeling of fulfillment towards the game.

Second Paragraph

Then you followed it with how the grown-up child used hiding from real-life issues. I smiled in agreement that it indeed had become the initial protective instinct of a person (also like me) who had difficulty in facing the self. *Smile* However, how you've written this part was a bit jarring. I think it's in the structure of sentences and some misplaced thoughts. I'd like to show to you my suggestion in this way:

*Cut* *Paste*

Reading the headlines often becomes overwhelming, so I run for mental shelter. Sometimes I feel afraid of myself, so I find trivialities to occupy my mind and my time. I lack so much that I feel a failure. The purely physical act of hiding meant for enjoyment is vanished. There is no element of success in hiding now. I seek failure by hiding. I don't desire failure, but I sometimes feel I have already failed.


You may notice that I have made two sentences into one or cut a long sentence to shorten it. By doing this, as a reader it helped me follow the flow of your idea together with the rhythmic effect of those sentences. I also omitted some words or phrases because it sounded redundant or it lessens the mood it wanted to convey. I also tried to re-order a line of thought to flow with the other line of thought.

I presented my suggestion in this manner so to help me explain what could be the effect if some tweaking were made. (I'm not good in explaining. Sorry about that.)

*Bulletr* "Not good, but a known quantity." I think this is the first catch of this entire reflective writing. I seconded to this statement. It is also a very good ending statement. It allowed the reader to assimilate the content of the second paragraph only to be stirred on the next paragraph.

Third Paragraph

*Thumbsup* The phrases like my method, hiding isn't actually bad, pursuing the wrong kind of hiding served as markers to shake one's mind settled in a known quantity. It made me want to know more what the author would like to say.

Fourth Paragraph

???? I think you meant to say what I need to do instead of what I'm doing wrong. Am I right? The thoughts that followed after this expressed more on the need, so I assumed this must be what you meant.

Last Paragraph

*Bulletr* "by making resistance worthless." This is the second catch for me. As someone very much interested on spiritual things, this hooked me completely. Thus, I enjoyed digesting every thoughts you've presented and moved me to reflect more about the hiding place.

*Stary* Final Thoughts

I love this journey with you through your thoughts about hiding place: from a child's understanding of it to an adult's way of using it up to the realization of God as a hiding place. I used to sing the song You are my Hiding Place, but I never tried to understand it deeper as you did. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I felt filled and blessed!

Candy

Team Missy


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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Umbrellab*This is part of your Shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.*Umbrellab*


Hi, DollarDays is painting Author Icon!

First of all, I'd like to let you know that I am not a professional reviewer. The only thing that I can boast of is my passion in reading a variety of story and looking for some ways to improve it especially when the story's theme interests me.

I hope you'll find my perspective helpful in some ways. Here goes my thoughts:


*Idea* What I liked?

I liked the idea of your story: difficulties experienced by those suffering from Alzheimer's disease.After reading your story, what was left in my memory was the line of Jim, "Where are we going?..." I think that was what you intended to happen to the reader.

While I was reading, I understood that Jim was suffering from an early Alzheimer's symptoms. I was curious about these details, so I searched more on it and confirmed the information I got from your story. This also answered my question on the relevance of attending in the Hands of Grace program for three years. Thanks for your story. I knew only the worst symptoms of Alzheimer's, but now I gained more information about the disease.


*Cut* *Paste* Suggestions for Improvement

Since this story has a limited word count, I guess that was the reason why there were some part that was not explored for deeper impact. However, if you intend to revise this in the future, I have few suggestions from a reader's point of view.

The characterization of Jim reads repetitive. While they were waiting for the prescription, it was already revealed that Jim doesn't like to sit long, then we were told again of the same thing when he was in the church. Another one was that telling that Jim likes children. It was narrated directly and indirectly four times in the story. Although the presentation of his special attention to children varied, I still think that it can be presented in another way, so it could keep the interest of the reader.

I think the character of Marge can still be explored to create a personal connection to the reader. She could have revealed her feelings or thoughts on Jim's situation. I had this idea since she was the first to have said the first line in the story. I was expecting to know more about her but was left dissatisfied with her role in the story.

For sentence improvement:

But if he could, he(,) knew he would enjoy it.

He used to like movies too(.): James Bond.

“Let me help you with that,” he said.(, and h)He bent down to pick up the envelopes.

He looked down at Marge and smiled.(, h)His eyes suddenly wet.


*Starr* Overall Impression

With some editing, this could leave a lasting impression to the reader. Actually, you can make Jim's line famous. *Smile*

"Uhm... What am I saying? Oh! I forgot..."- This was the effect of Jim's line on me. *Bigsmile*


Candy

SAJ
Team Lornda/Team Missy


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Review of Surrender  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! *UmbrellaB*


Hi, Storm Machine Author Icon!

I'm glad to meet you through this review. I chose "Surrender " Open in new Window. among your stories because Cain name seems to symbolize something. I'd like to know your story behind this name. To satiate my curiosity I ended up wanting to know more about the Cain family.

*Bulletg* The Title

Before I read any story, I reflect on the title first. I am not good in giving title for my own story, so in this way I hope to be inspired from the other writer's idea. Surrender... does this has something to do with the story of Cain and Abel in the bible? Or no relevance at all? The title set the mood of the story, and so I took a deep breath for some kind action that might happen. I enjoyed the two kinds of surrender presented in the story. One is through the surrender commanded by Haller (but I have question regarding this) and the other one inferred through the letter from the High Priestess: The time has come for you to return... Please come to their aid—and ours.


*Bulletg*Character/Technique

I liked how you manipulated the physical description of the characters to reveal the setting of the story.It created suspense as to what would happen next when they reach the dais. Even the social level and authority of the main character—the crown princess—was inferred through the physical description.

The names you have chosen for your characters are all meaningful for the functions assigned to them. Raven, Shadow, Jade—all spells actions that would follow once they move. My favorite name here is Shadow. Being the alter ego of Raven, I am eager to know how far she would go throughout the saga.


*Bulletg*Plot/Setting

I also liked how you concocted the surrender event: at the town’s square, the presence of the townspeople, the Marshals, the armed guards then the coming of the "suspected" people. Suspected people—this was my initial guess while they were walking towards the dais. The description of their weapons hinted that an upcoming battle will soon start when they reached the dais. At the same time, I half-expected that peaceful negotiation would be possible by the authority that their movements suggest. No guess of mine was correct. I remember that whenever I can guess what could be the next scene in a movie or story, I would say, "Just the same. Nothing new." The suspense and how the event turned out in the end thrilled me.


*Bulletg* ????

However, I have questions for clarity's sake.

1. Why was Aria or Raven asked to surrender? At first, Ormond Haller said to them to get out of his way for these two women has nothing to do with his business with the townspeople. Even after Raven showed the ring to Haller, there was no indication from Haller of recognizing her as the crown princess, as someone above the commoner, yes. So, I couldn’t understand the ground of Haller for asking Aria and her daughter to surrender on this part. This gray area made his line "Surrender and I will grant you mercy" sounded a bit comical to me.

2. Another question is what’s written inside the brackets: [When/how/why do they receive these??] I thought the explanation beforehand was enough to understand why they have the ring, but when I read this part, I wondered of its significance to the story.


Typo: You have missed to put preposition to on this sentence: “… loyal to the Queen. I mean to you, of course, though you weren’t crowned.”


*Bulletg* Overall Impression

I caught myself asking many questions on the narrative after Raven read the letter: a response from an interesting story. This is one of the episodes or chapters that I've read that attracted me to want to read what happened before this episode.I am also intrigued as to what would happen next to Raven and her daughters. Definitely, I will stand by your port and read the rest of the saga.

Before I end, here's another thing. Most of the time, physical descriptions in a story overwhelms me, but how you've used this technique have encouraged me to also use this approach in my own story writing. I really thank you for sharing this story with us.

Candy
** Image ID #2036081 Unavailable **


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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is part of your Shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.



Hi, ANN Counselor, Lesbian & Happy Author Icon!

Honestly, I feel nervous in giving review to the first person who had reviewed my first item in WdC. However, I promised to myself that one day I would give time and effort to you when I can understand (at least) how creative writing is crafted. So, here I am.

I chose to review "TWO DREAMERS---TWO DREAMS" Open in new Window. simply because of my interest in playing piano. *Music2* *Piano* *Music2*

When I read your note at the end of the story that this one was your third short story when you started writing, I browsed again on your port to read more recent items. Your writing have indeed improved! I am impressed *Thumbsupr* and inspired *Star*.

I hesitated to continue on this review, but then I thought that I'd like to contribute for this story. I've tried to analyze your presentation and extracted three parts from it. Here's what I've got and my suggestions.


*Right* *Reading* The first part is about Mrs. Schuster, her achievements, and her health issue.

*Cut* *Paste* The line “unique style for teaching piano without touching the keys” piqued my interest. How I wished you have described more on how she does it. I also thought that maybe you could have described first the unique style on the earlier part of the story, and then showed to us the condition of her hands. The reason behind her unique style.


*Right* *Reading* The second part is about Brett Kensington, his determination to be like his teacher, and his achievements through the help of Mrs. Schuster.

*Cut* *Paste* On this part is the best way in revealing more who Mrs. Schuster was through the admiration of Brett. So, I thought that stating the international performances of the teacher on the first part can be omitted. Else, as it was presented, it sounded redundant.


*Right* *Reading* The third part is about the realization of the dreams of the two dreamers.

*Cut* *Paste* The sentence that started with “He wrote a letter to Mrs. Schuster” could mean that Brett informed his teacher on every detail of his musical journey. I thought that it would be better if this would be rewritten in another way or the word detail (or any relevant word) be used as a keyword since this shows the depth of a relationship formed between the two dreamers. (This is just a suggestion, though.)


*Heart* The sending of letters and recordings appeals the most. The resignation of Mrs. Schuster from teaching while her protégé was on his way to success made me thought of sunrise and sunset. I love this hidden message.

*Heart* The information that performing at Carnegie Hall as the pinnacle excited me. The wearing of the gown, and then the closing of teacher’s eyes (for eternal rest) along with the end of the recorded music showed the best drama for me.


*Thinker* At the end of my analysis, I imagined the story of having it presented through the voice of Brett rather than the narrator’s voice. This idea came up because of the line music as a healer of the soul from Brett's valedictory address. If he's the one telling the story, then maybe this line could have more power as a sub-theme rather than being a line simply narrated. I also thought that it would be great to listen from the story of Brett about her teacher since it could give more emotional impact and personal connection which would certainly glue the interest of the reader. I also noticed that several times I stopped reading and tried to weave the connections of some parts, and so, Brett's narration may also slow down the pacing of the story.

Hmmm... What do you think, ANN Counselor, Lesbian & Happy Author Icon?


*Exclaimr* My final thoughts

For me, a good story leaves an inspiration and something to ponder on. Aside from crying at the end of this moving story, it reminded me of my Mathematics teacher who chose me to receive an in-depth math lesson from her. I am also thankful to her for she had helped me recognize my learning ability which would have been impossible without her guidance. Like Brett, this event in my life had left an important landmark along my life’s road map.

I admired Mrs. Schuster’s determination in continuing passing on piano skills despite her arthritic hands. I also admired Brett for his gratitude to his teacher and his continued connection with her.

With all these impressions, your story is truly inspirational. This deserves your editing attention which I am certain that would turn great with what you have now.

I really thank you for sharing this story with us. I'm dreaming that this be seen published. *Bigsmile*


Grateful,

Candy

** Image ID #2036081 Unavailable **


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Review of The Wanderer  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Rhyme Scheme: aa/bb/cc/dd/ee,/aa/ff/gg/aa/hh

Am I right to say that this is a narrative poem? I am not keen to know the differences in poems. I liked this poem because it tells a story of a man in the street. It had given me a view of events going on outside of a comfortable life. Somehow this could also be an eye opener on how someone behave towards the unfortunate person on the street.

I noticed a word that needs correction. It is in line seven, the word sole, which I guess should be SOUL.

Thank you for sharing this poem.

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Keep on writing!!

Candy


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Review of Tell me Why  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, krussell01193 Author Icon!

The font color goes with the mood of the poem, sad and angry. Also, I could hear from this poem the longing and questions a child would like to raise to adults like the parents.

How it flows? At the first four lines, it was like trying to start up a gas in a car. The next lines move well that it sounded like the car was moving fast and steadily in a definite direction.

Some corrections:

I wanted to you why, I was so cold = I wanted YOU TO KNOW why I was so cold
you would of thought it was stupid = you would THOUGHT OF it AS stupid
with some excuse = with some excuseS
I was just to much to bear = I was just TOO much to bear

This poem reveals the child's inner struggle and pain in the lost of a parent who is supposed to be the first people to protect, love, and understand. It is full of emotions that one cannot ignore this. So, here I am sending my thoughts about it.

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Keep on writing!!

Candy


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Review of Friends  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Roy Author Icon!

I've read "Friends" Open in new Window. at random review.

The poem illustrates the joy in the company of friends. The first two lines sounded like jumping with excitement. The third line is like trying to shift the mood in the reminiscing state. The last two lines plays the conclusion.

The fourth line for me does not flow well in the poem as a whole. It is not because it did not match its rhyme to other lines but because it lacks punch to get to the message it wanted to impart.

Overall, as I read this poem, I get the feeling of joy and excitement in the company of a dear friend.

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Keep on writing!!

Candy


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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, iamsharica_ Author Icon!

Interesting lyrics. Guess, many teenagers can relate with this song. Bullies are all around now which sometimes the adults get so worried on how to protect their children at this time. Furthermore, most teens now are prone to discouragement so they needed encouragement aside from their parents and guardians but also from their peers.

I like the advises given here such as--look straight in the eyes, don't take it out on yourself, but don't blame it on everyone else--can help as a guide to face situations in a world full of chances.

How I wished I could hear the melody that goes with it.

Keep on writing!

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Candy


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Review of The Yellow Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, StarvingArtist Author Icon!

I liked how you have illustrated independence through a yellow rose that bloom among red roses. The urge to pluck it meant something as someone hindering one's growth. When in the end it had grown taller than the others, I also felt the excitement to find out what had become of the yellow rose.

Nice poem!

Welcome to Writing.Com!

See you around!

Candy


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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Cute story! *Smile*
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Review of An Honest Answer  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
OMG! This is the funniest conversation I have ever known. Can I just laugh? hahahaha...hahahahaha...Maybe if this will happen to me, I will end laughing...hahahaha...or maybe I will also end up saying sorry....hahaha!

Thank you for sharing this significant conversation. It really is significant that I won'f forget.

Happy day!

Candy


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Review of In Rome in1965  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1831774 Unavailable ** Hi, Handle Author Icon! The title of your essay caught my attention. Although I wasn't born in the 6o's, I am interested to know how life was on those years.


In your essay I understood that you were trying to tell the events that occurred at the time you've met Loretta. When someone was struck with love, those events do become an important detail of one's life.


I liked your input of each particular events in every places you have traveled. I learned new things from your essay such as Shabbat, Aida and names of some personalities such as Satmar Rebbe and Moshe Sharett. Since you didn't elaborate what Shabbat meant, I googled it and found out that it is Jewish day of rest and seventh day of the week. I also searched about Aida and had a good time reading its synopsis. I thank you for new knowledge I gained.

I had a good laugh on the injection of your amusing thoughts in your writing. There are two that for me stand out. One was when you said about needing subtitles while listening to a Polish refugee. I thought maybe Polish refugee was not aware that some English words he was using were obscene words. The second one was when you said about white-collar, blue-collar, pink-collar and multi-color make-up. *Bigsmile*


I noticed that the way you have written this was in the form of like conversing with someone in person. If I happen to know this information in person maybe I wouldn't have difficulty in understanding some parts of it because I could interrupt you from storytelling so to raise questions for clarification. Like when you start telling on meeting Loretta in Italy followed by several meetings across Southern Europe then jumping on telling about what was happening around you before you left for Europe and this part "I had a chance to get to Europe if I could come up with some money and someone to tag along with,..."--I wish to raise question because these parts confused me to understand the chronological order of events.

Also, the first and last paragraph, although could be the reason for this essay, had become just a two bread sandwiching all the events without blending with the filling. At first instance of reading it, I was left confused why the beginning and the end was like this. Upon reading it on the 3rd time, then only I understood what you were trying to tell. I guess there is need to give more details on the part when you were sending mails to Loretta so to guide the reader that she was always in your thoughts while all these events were happening.


Overall Impression

You have so much interesting information. Honestly, the facts you have told us through this essay made me want to read more stories from you. I just hope this essay could be written down with more clarity. Well, it may take some time to get to that goal but the important thing is: the STORY is already there just waiting to be told in a better way.


Happy to meet you in this way.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Keep on writing!!

Candy
My PDG sig


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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Sophurky Author Icon!


I've read "Hospice: It Saved Our Lives" Open in new Window. at random review. I just can't let pass reading this without expressing my condolence to you.

The loss of a family member is losing an important link in our life. It's good to know that on the process of losing, there were people willing to give support and consolation.

I share my joy with you as your father was prepared and received loving care from you and your family and from the hospice staff. There's nothing more comforting than being surrounded by loving people on the last days.

Peace and happiness to you!

Candy


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Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1831774 Unavailable ** Hi, BigNasty Author Icon ! I thought of letting you know my thoughts after reading "Flash Ficiton Contest Entry. " Open in new Window.. However, please take this as from someone who's also in the process of learning this craft of story writing.

Here it goes:

         Ooooh! So, where that person had gone?

         This is a scene-driven story: the car accident, the mysterious image behind the tree, and the empty car. In just a few words, all were weaved to get a mystery-eerie kind of story.

         The twist of the story which is the apparent missing person from the other car has ended it with a hair-raising effect. However, upon reading it on the second time, my imagination ran wild that I thought that Ray could be suspected in the disappearance of that person. I hope the police will not hold him responsible other than the accident. Hehehe...just sharing my thoughts.

         I liked how you have written your story. It is mostly in active voice so it kept on showing and moving and so I was absorbed in reading it.

         "He bounced around inside of the vehicle with his hands over his head like a rag doll." I liked best this part because it showed like in a moving picture.

         Questions for clarification: Am I right to understand that there were three cars involved in the accident-the one that skidded, the car that slammed on the rear of Ray’s car, and Ray’s car? Maybe I was not good in figuring it out but it really bothers me not to see how the scene looked like. If Ray’s car was pushed into the ditch then how come there was another car in front of him? Was it the car that slammed the rear that lay totaled on the tree? Then where’s the car in front of Ray?

         I also have question regarding character’s name. I am not sure why you have mentioned Ray’s real name, Raymond. Was it to mean like calling him back to his senses? If that is so, I think it's not needed.

         Just one suggestion: It would be on the formatting. It would look better if you have separated the first part into two or three paragraphs. It might help to lessen the overwhelming effect of the one big block of sentences.

Overall Impression:

         Short but shows action and stimulates imagination. So, where that person had gone? Goosebumps!

         Thank you for sharing your story.

Keep on writing!!

Candy
My PDG sig


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24
Review of Peter's Passa  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1831774 Unavailable ** Hi, Misty Author Icon! I thought of letting you know my thoughts after reading "Peter's Passa" Open in new Window.. However, please take this as from someone who's also in the process of learning this craft of story writing.

Here it goes:

         Nice title. It caught me at first glance. I was wondering what Passa could mean that’s why I read this story. It was a good idea to use the children’s way of naming words. Words that they could not pronounce yet.

         The story’s theme about responsibility is something that would be interesting to tell to children to give meaning to their actions. When I was a child, I only do some chores through imitation to feel proud that I can do what the adults can. This story on responsibility has substance that could lead a child from merely imitating an action to taking up responsibility.

         However, I think the author has to work more on letting the characters speak as they are. Like in the case of Peter: His character has become vague because his lines sometimes shift from a child's voice to an adult's voice.

Peter like an adult: “I did see him Dad and I should have stopped playing to let someone know. Mama told me it was my PASSA and that Jesus would want me help. From now own I know that it is my PASSA to do what is on my yellow list AND to help others when they need help. Like when Patsy is sick. I want to always help others because if I don’t and no one else does then their job does not get done and bad things could happen.”

         Also, this sentence is too long to speak for a child like Peter. What about breaking it down into exchange conversation between Peter and his parents? I guess, it will work.

Peter like a child: When he named the word responsibility as PASSA and this line, "NOT MY POSSA"

         But, why did you change the spelling of Passa into Possa in the middle of the story?

         Moreover, take note also of to whom certain character is talking to. For example, when the character of Daddy was talking to their children, he sounded like he was talking to teenagers when in fact he was talking to kids like Peter who could not pronounced yet the word responsibility. With this reason, there is a need to modify the dialogue of the Daddy character.

         The story outline is workable for the theme. Starting from the introduction of the characters and where they live; the tree house; the call for meeting about responsibility; each one’s response to the call of responsibility and followed by the nearly lost of baby brother. Then ending it with the realization of Peter for his neglect of responsibility. But again, there are things to modify: Either change the age of the kids or simplify the words/dialogue given for the characters so to hear the kid’s voice in the story. After all, this story is intended for the kids.

         Well, I can relate on this problem that I am pointing out. Sometimes, as a writer wanting to introduce moral lessons, we tend to speak our own voice through the characters forgetting that we are extending the message through the voice of the character who we thought could better speak in our story.

         I may not be good in explaining what I am trying to say so, I thought of affixing some link for further explanation on character's voice:
http://www.coffeebreakforwriters.com/viewpoint-wri...
http://www.nownovel.com/blog/talking-character-voi...


Overall Impression:

         I liked the story behind the word PASSA. Very good idea that children may like it. However, please take time on finding out the voice of your characters. It would be nice if a child could repeat every line of Peter in this story.

         Thank you for sharing your story.

Keep on writing!

Candy
My PDG sig


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25
Review of Life and Death  Open in new Window.
Review by Beautiful Candy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1831774 Unavailable ** Hi, MermaidHair Author Icon! I thought of letting you know my thoughts after reading "Life and Death" Open in new Window.. However, please take this as from someone who's also in the process of learning this craft of story writing.

Here it goes:

         The reality in the life of a human person was made an immortal being in this story. That how many times life would cease, it will keep on continuing living in a new form. That death with its ultimate goal is to end life would have nothing to suffice it but to live out its purpose even with the brief sweet encounter with the beauty of life.

         This interpretation of life and death is for me, the strength of this piece. It made me think and ask and ponder for the main objective of the author. I would say this is a unique way of conveying an understanding about these two subjects.

         "Caught you L" I liked this part as portrayal of closeness. This was the catch for the readers to feel the story and be curious about the two characters. Actually, I had an instant connection through this line because I and my friends also use the first initials of our names as a sign of affection.

         The flow of idea is smooth and interesting. However, when I reached the part “Simple, it's because you're a beautiful lie and i am a painful truth”, I was expecting to read more aside from the scene that Life cried after hearing the answer of Death. Questions rushed through: Why Life is a lie? Why Death is a painful truth? I felt like my intellect was hanging, thirsting for reasons behind this statement. If you intend to leave the reader that way, well, you’ve got me.

         May I ask about the 20 years? Does it signify something? Why 20? Why not 10, 11, 30…etc.?

         I also like how you’ve created a conflict in this story. You’ve made them both feel the love but at the same time bound to live out on what each one is destined for. This is another reason for me to say this as unique.

         The setting in the woods would have probably created texture on the story if it was given more descriptions instead of merely stating that characters were in the woods.


The climax narrated in third person:

         Upon reading this part, I got lost. It was on how the first sentence was presented. I don’t know what could be the best on this part but as a reader, when it shifted POV relying loosely on the first POV; it left me blank and hoped that if it was presented with some more elaboration, then it wouldn’t be that confusing.

Link for third person shifting:
https://warriorwriters.wordpress.com/tag/third-per...


For improvement:

         Here is the list of some parts in the story that needs polishing. But, please take note that I am not an expert on this area. Just sharing whatever I have learned so far.

Anyways. At least once = set off with a period instead of a comma.

I ran as fast as i could, slowly, i could hear him catching up = Period after could. Two independent sentences can't be combined with a comma or with an adverb. As for the word 'slowly', it can be omitted because the phrase 'catching up' is enough.

i = capitalize all "i" unless it was deliberate to keep it on small cap. However, I don’t see any reason for doing so.

With that = You have used this four times (4x) in such a short story. One of the habits a writer has to watch for is the overuse of words or phrases.

I am a lie and with that. = can be omitted.

Another helpful link:
http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Repetitive-Words-and-...


Overall Impression:

         I enjoyed reading your story. Although, you said that this one is crappy, it wasn’t bad at all. I admired your interpretation of life and death. I hope you could revise it with more details. Will look forward to see how this story will develop.

         Thank you! You've made my day!

Keep on writing!!

Candy
My PDG sig


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