I really like this poem! It's simple and yet speaks of a maturity, knowing what you need to do and from the sound of it, what you probably will do. I think it flows very well and I like your choice of words. My favorite lines:
Until today I felt I could reach for the stars,
But I’d surely have one by now.
Great job! I look forward to reading more of your work.
wow, how refreshing that I can read a poem without having to reach for my dictionary every other word! I really thought your poem was very good. I am slightly confused, and I am sure its me, who is the I in the poem. Is it the homeless man or his son? It seemed like "I" was referring to them both. But again I am probably not seeing it as I should. The only thing I could suggest is for the meter to flow a little better (i.e. the last two lines) But overall a really fine work. Thanks for the read!
Let me begin by saying the story line is very good. I actually want to continue reading. You have developed the characters very well so far. The only thing I would suggest is for you to rethink your verbs and adverbs. I realize you are still in the editing process but your descriptions like: "a knife swam across his mind’s eye. The cloying odor of human waste and dried sweat slept on his tongue." Swam and slept don't seem right words. Or "dawn’s blinding beam". Nothing really sleeps on a tongue nor does a knife swim. And dawn's blinding beam could also be rephrased maybe "bright beam of morning light" or something like that. Again your story line is great I just think some of the phrasing of words need editing. I will read your other chapters though and that in itself should prove its a story worth writing. I am far from an expert reviewer but I hope my suggestions helped. I surely don't mean to be critical only helpful.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/carlypop
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 5:20pm on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
