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8 Public Reviews Given
55 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Fact and Chance  Open in new Window.
Review by Carol McKenzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This piece is rather interesting. I'd like to see it developed more fully. It has plenty of emotion and interesting turmoil. I do believe it needs a good editing. The repetitions needs to be taken out and some commas put it. Otherwise, a good piece...original.


the question popping comma the heart beating comma the mind craving.

Craving
repetition

the answercomma

The fear of changing, the fear of commitment. sp. Should I stay or should I go?

Should
repetition I go back to my home to brother to sister, to my friends? commas are missing in prev. sentence.

catostropheespelling I belong to? The drugs, the sex, the parties and the overall selfhyphen distruction of a future. A hope of the new. An ending of the past.

I am always afraid when I need to take make? a decision for myself but this, this repetition.

Scotland does not hold the key but this guy, Francois does great ending!
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Review by Carol McKenzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Excellent job on The Blind Man and the Ghost. You told this story without repetitiveness, well-worded, concise. You've varied the sentence size and structure, which is great. Punctuation is good. You took special pains with this and it shows.

Illhyphenfated
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Review by Carol McKenzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The Prologue: Summer of Change sounds very interesting so far because it is told in everyday lingo. The only bit of advice that I may offer is the spelling of "year" and there is a hyphen in off-color. The Prologue makes me want to read on. It is short, but that is okay and gives a complete run down of the characters we are to meet. Great job 4.5!
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Review of Lake Wickaboag  Open in new Window.
Review by Carol McKenzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
It is very well written!! It gave me a glimpse back in time and I felt as though I were there. The only thing I might suggest is to turn off the bold because it is hard on the eyes especially if you wear trifocals as I do.
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Review of Silver and Bronze  Open in new Window.
Review by Carol McKenzie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Your plot is good and interesting. The sexual tension is good. Your grammar and punctuation is great. The best advice that I can give you today is do not repeat anything...words phrases and ideas. Do not use worn out phrases and instead make up new. Always opt for the active voice. See what I have marked below.
********
Nasguard de Chevalier rounded the dirt path up to the haunting Romanian manor on his black stallion. A waxing gibbous moon watched him as he quickly drew closer. How he loved to feel the black tendrils of night against his body. It made him feel alive.

Most/many publishers will not allow purple prose... such as "waxing gibbous moon" or "black tendrils of night."

Footlights along the unkempt road led him to a circular driveway in front of the mansion. Tonight was special. Torchlight surrounding the manor made his golden eyes constrict. As he pulled on the reigns of his horse, two unnaturally thin valets approached from a small wooden booth.

“Do you have your invitation? Count Brancoveanu won’t allow you entry unless you have it, sir,” said one of the valets. Nasguard thought him small in stature – too small to serve a witch.

“Yes, I have it,” said Nasguard, patting his jacket pocket as he got off dismounted?his horse.

“Enjoy the Samhain,” said the other valet, glaring at Nasguard with a sensual stare. glare and stare are so much alike that they are redundant. So it would be best to just say, "sensually glaring at Nasguard."

Nasguard offered him an unnatural smile, baring his pointed incisor teeth toward the valet, not necessary to say. who seemed to stiffen at the sight of them. Satisfied with the valet’s reaction, he took the steps to the manor two at a time. More torches, evenly spaced, were placed along the railing of the stairs. is tighter. Wallachia’s flags, criss-crossed, hung over the thick wooden doors. The shrill sound of a harpsichord playing a bewitching waltz struck his ears. This was no ordinary event. the three previous sentences makes the copy read "static" here needs variance of sentence structure. It was the eve of the annualSamhain and Count Brancoveanu’s family celebrated this night with a bacchanal feast every year. I would re-check the previous sentence and see if it needs re-worked. Nasguard’s pack had all received invitations, as the witches who served them were from Count Brancoveanu’s coven. It was the first bacchanal he had the opportunity to attend.

Nasguard brushed the thick, dark bangs of his hair away from his heavy brow as he used the knocker to hit the door. too much information forced into this previous sentence. Simply state at the end... as he rapped on the door. we don't need to know "knocker." After a moment’s hesitation, the hinges creaked and the door opened. A tall, forbidding man with an aquiline nose looked down on him. Count Brancoveanu. The count’s eyes narrowed into slits.

“Your invitation?” Here is a good place to add a lot of the five senses... hearing, smell, sound, etc.

Nasguard slid his hand into his black jacket and produced the paper.

The count studied it, then tucked it into his jacket unnecessary info. besides, "jacket" was used in previous sentence making it redundant. pocket. With a flick of his wrist, and a chant whispered in a foreign tongue, a small delicate mask, silver in color comma appeared in the old man’s hands.

“For you, de Chevalier,” the man purred.
"man" is redundant, perhaps.

“It is not true silver, is it?” Nasguard asked. The velvet mask felt soft, yet heavy in his hands. velvet is soft so the reader does not need to be reminded that velvet is soft.

“No, it is not,” Brancoveanu purred. *Paragraph*
Nasguard looked down, studying the intricate detail. Bronze circles surrounded the eye sockets of the thin mask - He guessed it was to make his eyes glow brighter than normal. As he put it on, the mask "mask" is mentioned too many times... so to make it read more naturally, I would just use "it." covered his temples, the top of his cheekbones, and his nose. It felt heavy, almost like lead, yet conformed to his face in a perfect fit. we are told twice it is heavy.

“Do not remove the mask. itthe mask is redundant here... Should you take it off before you depart, your soul will fall prey to Mephistopheles.”

“I don’t have a soul,” Nasguard evenly unnecessary adverb. replied.

The count laughed. “Oh, you do, de Chevalier, you do. Mephistopheles hungers for souls like yours.”*Paragraph* With that, he turned around and pointed down the hall. At the snap of his fingers, the doors opened, drawing Nasguard inside. please show us how the doors drew Nasguard inside... I cannot visualize this.

Alina, the count’s daughter approached. “He is a strong one, father. He won’t take the mask off.” How did she look? Her hair? Her eyes? The sound of her speech?

Mircea Brancoveanu’s lips curved into a sinister smile. “You’ll be surprised to discover how many do, daughter. The cannabis and wine weaken even the strongest of beasts.”

***


Delilah Getzi walked across Less wordy? crossed?the dance floor, oblivious to the surrounding smoke. Numerous guests drew on their cannabis cigarettes as they danced and drank.I think it would be less of an eye-catcher if cannibis were mentioned only one time...is there another word on the second time around you used it that you could substitute? The hall was filled with witches and vampyres, some naked, freely copulating for all to see. Perhaps active voice would crisp up the sentence... Naked witches and vampyres, copulated for all to see. A hint of brimstone teased her nostrils. Every year since she was little fledgling, check previous clause. she attended the count’s Samhain bacchanal with her father. Her family never missed it, always careful not to smoke or drink too much. over-indulge?

She held a glass of deep red wine, her eyes peering through her bronze mask looking for a partner – but not just any partner. "partner" is repetitious. She wanted a man of commanding stature, taller than her, and even a bit more powerful. She wanted the thrill of being with a man more powerful than her. "powerful" is repetitious.

Delilah wore all black, pausing near a dark corner’s open window, blending in with the night’s sky.I would find another word besides "black" because you've used it several times in this story. The only illumination in the hall was provided by thin taper candles, placed in golden sconces around the walls of the room. I would re-word so that previous sentence is active rather than passive. As she sipped her wine, "wine" is repetitious. she studied the men who arrived. There were none she fancied. None until he arrived. "none" is repetitious.

He walked you need a stronger verb here than walked... sashayed, marched, tromped, danced.. through the door with a confidence of being she’d never known. Tall and thick, he easily filled out his black again..black is repetitious. Publishers hate repetition. suit. His pants hugged his muscled thighs and in a daring manner, show the daring manner don't tell it. he wore his long hair in a sweet ponytail down his back. down his back is not necessary if you say long ponytail for it tells it all.

Turn around. if this is mind reading it should be in italics.

The minute he did, she gasped. His golden amber golden and amber are one in the same thing and therefore it is a redundant expression. eyes pierced his silver mask, we know its color already. ripping through the darkness of the room like the moon’s light stabbing the night sky. Their eyes locked and Delilah found what she wanted – him.

She threw her head back, her eyes raking him over. The very way he stood, fierce and haughty, made her own nocturnal heart beat fast in her chest.

Come to me. again...italics are needed.

He disappeared quickly into the crowd. Delilah sneered. Did he think to disobey her? Her father’s heir? She was the crown princess of her father’s legacy, and was not used to her orders being defied.

Delilah took one step in the direction she last saw her man, previous is too wordy and awkward ... can it be condensed? before feeling hard fingers biting into her shoulders.

“I am here, vampyre. Why do you call me? You know what I am,” he whispered into her ear. overwritten

Delilah drew in a deep breath. Her man of power repetitioushad surprised her. Few men ever did. Being with him would be a sinful delight. “You are a wolf.”

“Be thankful the moon is not full, vampyre,” his thick, baritone voice whispered. He retained his human body form?on this night, but still possessed a wolf's strength. “We would be enemies on such a night.”

“But tonight comma we will be lovers,” said Delilah, spinning "spinning" seems an incorrect word. around. She pressed her body into his. Oh, he was no ordinary wolf! He was tall, yes, but he did not possess the sinewy muscles that werewolves usually had. His chest was hard and thick. She put her hands on his upper arms and drew in a deep, sensual breath. His arms were equally as thick. No wolf possessed such a well-groomed appearance as he did. Her eyes rested on his lips, firm and sensual. "wolf" and about the "muscles" are repetitive.

With a wicked sneer, the wolf put his hands on her hips and drew her into him.

“Who are you, vampyre, that you would take an enemy to be your lover?”

“I am Delilah, the crown princess of Wallachia’s nocturnal we know "nocturnal" clan,” she announced, placing her hands on his chest. She snaked her fingers over his thick, bulging muscles,his muscles have been mentioned too many times. up over his shoulders and to the nape of his neck.

His lips curved into a sinful grin. “And you care not to know my name?” "sinful" is repetitive.

“Not yet,” she scoffed, her lips taking his in a powerful kiss. how many times in this one piece has powerful and thick been used? It's noticeable... are there different ways of describing without the use of these words more than once?

***

Nasguard kissed her back, this sounds as if Nasgurard kissed her on the back.... Shouldn't it read Nasguard returned her kisses. his tongue tracing the soft fullness of her lips, before he boldly rammed it into her mouth. "rammed" is too forceful to be sexy. They stumbled back, against the dark corner of the stone wall, and she pressed into him with such fierceness, ferocity Nasguard couldn’t believe the power repetition she commanded. They kissed for the longest time, her lips urgent, and yet she explored him with a curiosity no woman ever had. Her fingers slid back down over his shoulders and with an agility he wasn’t aware she possessed, she unsnapped the buttons of his white shirt and raked her pointy finger tips over the crisp hairs of his chest, drawing blood.

Nasguard’s lips tore away from hers as he groaned at her bold, daring act of possession. Did she truly want him after only kissing him? She brought her hand back up to his mouth and cupped his chin, forcing their lips together. His hands dropped her waist and he pulled her closer to his body. How could a vampyre feel so damn good? "kiss" and its forms are repetitive.

Oh, he heard tales of their sexual prowess, and if what Delilah said was true – if she was indeed a royal vampyre, then her womb was capable of growing with a baby. He jerked away from her mouth, his hands catching hers, his breathing deep and ragged.

“We cannot go further, vampyre, you know that. I cannot allow my seed to take root in your womb,” he gasped. repetitive.

Delilah’s nostrils flared. “You think me a fool? You think I would take no precautions to protect myself on such a night?”

“Did you drink from a witch’s chalice?” he gasped. After all, that was how the witch’s prevented an unwanted pregnancy.

“Yes, I did, when I first arrived, wolf.”

Nasguard groaned as Delilah cupped his cheeks and forced his mouth to hers. The way she spoke, the way her blood soaked eyes bored into his soul through her bronze mask with such intensity, convinced him to believe her. Her passion for him was unrestrained. Her body was soft, yet strong next to his. His hands fell to her inner thighs and he raked his fingertips to the nexus of her legs, rubbing the palm of his hand against her.

“Wolf…” she gasped… “Beautiful wolf…” she rasped.

With his powerful strength, he turned her around so she was pressed against the stone wall. The loud intensity of the harpsichord began to grow in to a fever pitch. He ripped her shirt open, her breasts practically falling out of their flimsy undergarments. His lips fell upon one, his tongue laving sweet circles around her nipple, making her areola hard in his mouth.

***

Delilah cried out as his pointed teeth brushed against her sensitive skin. The wolf knew how to make love. He knew how to touch a woman. She felt a warm sensation grow between her legs. Her sex ached for him. His lips never left her breast and she lost herself in his embrace. this is good

It was rumored wolves and vampyres were descended from the same line of man, but over the course of the years, they grew weary of each other, doubting their motives, until finally they became acknowledged enemies of the night. Still, their bodies fit together in a perfect union, and while Delilah had never taken a wolf for a lover before, this wolf wove such a spell on her, she was willing to completely give herself to him.

No, he was no ordinary wolf. wolf and its forms are repetitive. He made her sing a rapturous tune without the power of being inside her. She wanted him – all of him – inside her. "inside" is repetitive. Urgently, her hands lunged for his pants and she began to rub his member over the fabric that covered it. Delilah gasped at its size. Like him, it was long and powerful. Its tip throbbed with a hardness she’d never felt on a nocturnal lover. Her hands cupped his buttock and she shoved him toward her. Instinctively, they grated against each other, breathing hard and deep.

***

Nasguard groaned at the fierceness in which she displayed. He looked up into her face. Her bronzed mask seemed to glow in the moonlight. things glowing in the moonlight is overdone throughout the story. You may want to take a look at that. Intensely,Her blood red eyes peered back up at him with such intensity, he spied a bliss he’d never seen in a woman’s face before. "never seen before" is overdone and used more than once. His hands braced her hips as they moved in a sweet blissful rhythm. Still, they had yet to connect intimately, as "as" is incorrectly used here. their clothes seperated them, but Nasguard did not want to take her against the wall in an act of raw possession. this is cliche... can you find another expression? He didn’t understand his feelings for such a hated enemy, but he wanted a more intimate setting to fully explore what Delilah was offering him. He would not take her like a beast against the wall of a castle. How many times throughout the piece is "intimate" or its form used?

“Let me feel your essence…” she said, her eyes locking on his.

Nasguard wildly nodded his head ‘yes’, barely able to think straight. Her hands cupped his cheeks, and her lips, once again, fell to his mouth. He was hardly aware of how her mouth rained kisses down onto his neck and then, his whole world seemed to give way to another place of existence– a place where he and Delilah shut out the world. "Kissing" and kisses are redundant. His heart beat faster, heart beating faster or quickly is redundant or repetitive throughout. his breathing increased, his face felt heavy under the weight of his mask, but he did not want her to withdraw from him – not yet.

We will be together wolf, I promise you that.

Flames of blissful fire danced before his eyes. The savage intensity repeat of her teeth was nothing he’d ever experience before. "nothing he'd ever felt before...is repetitive and been used several times throughout piece. Perhaps that’s why a wolf was discouraged from mating with a vampyre – the ecstasy their bodies felt was too much to handle – and he yet to completely have her. repetitive.

“Delilah…” he whispered.

Nasguard. Your name is Nasguard. italics needed here and also is repetitive.

His world fell apart the minute he was ripped away "ripped" and "tore" away are used more than once in piece and are therefore repetive. from her. Thick hands of steel pulled his body away from his unworldly mate, and he landed hard onto the ground. As he looked up, he discovered a male vampyre’s wicked face. His lips were withdrawn to reveal his fangs, his nostrils flared, nostrils flared before this. and his face contorted into that of pure anger, halfhyphen hidden by his own bronze mask.

“How dare you touch my sister! The royal heir…!”

It was then, as Nasguard gasped for breath, did feel the small trickle of blood on his neck. Looking up, he saw Delilah’s lips were swollen, stained with his blood. She’d fed off him! She betrayed him! She weakened him considerably by feeding on his blood. His mask sent a crushing mask of pressure over his nostrils. Once comfortable and snug, it was now unbearable. blood is repetive in previous para.

“I did not betray you,” Delilah said firmly, now able to hear his thoughts in her head. She cut her eyes to Nasguard, “I wanted to taste you and you allowed it.”

“You had no right…!” Nasguard hissed, barely able to move. She had taken blood from him – blood he so desperately needed.that is underlined we already know this and is therefore repetitive.

“As for you Nagory,” Delilah said, turning on her brother, “If I chose to mate with a wolf, it is my decision.”

“He is the enemy.”

“He is not!” she spat, glaring at her brother. “From now, he is mine. I will have no others but him.”

Nasguard stumbled to his feet, but the moon’s slender tendrils of light purple prose... publishers I deal with do not like purple prose. was not enough to heal his body. His mask crushed down on his face. He felt drained and weak from Delilah’s feeding. Still, as his hand helped to brace his body against the wall, the sweet cannabis smoke drifting past nostrils, he had to admit to himself he’d never had such a raw, poignant encounter. And then to hear Delilah defend him to her own kin, made his heart skip a beat. Even now, she stood between him and her fierce brother, ready to protect him.

I know you are weak, wolf. I will not let him hurt you.

“Delilah…” Nasguard whispered. He reached for his mask - it was too heavy to wear in his condition.

With a sudden quickness she didn’t realize she possessed, she lunged out and put her hand over his. “Don’t take the mask off, Nasguard!”

“No, wolf, take it off. See what will happen to you then,” Nagory sweetly encouraged.

Delilah’s blood red eyes bored into Nasguard’s. “This was more to me than just a bacchanal encounter, wolf. We are lovers. I have tasted your essence and want no other.”

“You will not…turn me over…” Nasguard choked.

“We are lovers,” she affirmed, pulling his hand away from his mask, lacing her fingers into his.

“Sister, you are a fool to want this wolf! He will be the death of you!” Nagory hissed.

“If you make one move against him, you will regret it, Nagory,” Delilah hissed.

“Delilah!” Nasguard cried. His back struck the wall hard.

She turned around only to discover blood dripping from his nose, and her wolf panting through his mouth, desperately trying to draw in air down his throat. Delilah tore Nasguard from the wall, and dragged him through the crowd, past the entrance. As they ran down the stairs of the manor, she ripped off his unbearable mask, flinging it to the ground. They made their way to the stables, and once there, Delilah, guarded her weakened lover until he fell asleep in her arms.

The next morning Nasguard woke to the sun, rising high in the sky. Delilah was gone. He had no idea where she’d went to rest, but his body hungered for her the way it had never hungered for a woman. As he found his horse, he swore they would be lovers until death parted them.

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