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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/catchafire92
Review Requests: OFF
62 Public Reviews Given
128 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am upbeat, positive, and honest. I try to be encouraging and point out what can be improved without sounding condescending or mean.
I'm good at...
I'm good at being kind and pointing out your strengths, while also drawing attention to weaknesses honestly and lovingly.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Science Fiction, Mystery, Thriller, Children's, Young Adult
Least Favorite Genres
Memoir, Autobiography
Favorite Item Types
Books, Blogs, Poems
Least Favorite Item Types
Articles/Technical
I will not review...
Erotica, anything with lots of vulgarity/gore.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Proper Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I happened across your poem in the "Read a Newbie" section, and I'm glad I did.

"the luxury of emotions..."

This line hit me so hard. Sometimes it seems life just really doesn't care how we feel, and we're forced to put our better instincts to the side just to survive. And just being able to feel authentically becomes a fleeting and precious luxury.

Such a succinct poem, but so full of meaning. Well done!

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2
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In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Joto-Kai Author IconMail Icon! I was wandering through the Review Board, and your poem caught my eye!

I love how it tells a huge story in such a small amount of words. Also, the change in tone from one addressee to another in each stanza says a lot about the personality of this love-struck captain. The romantic notion of searching for a would-be love is so beautifully represented here.

I also love that the final line conveys his fatal mistake. It makes me as the reader feel so much more heartbroken for him, that she slipped through his grasp so easily, probably not even realizing what he was doing.

The only criticism I really have, and this may just be personal, is that I wish it were longer. I want to know more of this story, perhaps revealed through his interactions with other objects or people on board his ship or even at a planet he lands on to search for her. Does he have any hope of finding her again?

Excellent poem! I'm glad I stopped by to read it. *Smile*
3
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In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a very well-written and emotional piece. I loved the rhyme scheme and the repeated line--it worked very well for your topic to emphasize the line about tears repeatedly. It gave the image of a person crying multiple tears as they think through the lines of the poem. Also, great job keeping up the same rhyme scheme throughout--you found so many different words to express your ideas, although the rhyme scheme didn't jump out at me as I read it. I was caught up in the meaning of the text, not the rhyme, and that's what any good poetry should do. Awesome job!


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4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, THANKFUL SONALI back on Jan 4 Author IconMail Icon! I found your story "Stepping up for Santa" Open in new Window. on the Power Reviewer's "Review Me 2" List and thought I'd have a read!

*BurstO*Overall Impression

This was a humorous story about Santa Claus' mom having to take over for her sleepy son. It also involved some of our very own WDC members, which was really neat to see.

*BurstY*Things I Loved

I loved the personification of Mrs. Claus as she busies herself making soup and getting ready to load the sleigh. She reminds me of a sweet English grandmother, busy talking and giving orders, then scolding everyone else for talking. She also turned the entire sleigh around to heat her son's soup, which is a very motherly thing to do. Her quirks made her real and likable.

*BurstG*Suggestions

I didn't see any flagrant typographical errors in the copy, so as for your request for a look-over, I think it's good to go. The only thing that kind of threw me off was Mrs. Claus' monologues to herself (while cooking, etc.) about information she would have already known. It seemed she should be telling someone else these stories. However, I know the kind of character Mrs. Claus is represented as, and these characters do talk to themselves, often needlessly, just as a character quirk. So I have mixed feelings about the monologues.

*BurstB*Final Comments

I really enjoyed reading this fun little story! I wish you all the best in the contest (if you haven't gotten word of a winner yet).

*Pencil*Write On!
*CoffeeV*AlyCatAuthor*Wind*
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5
5
Review of Wild Anxiety  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, BrandyBreath Author IconMail Icon! I saw your sonnet on the review page and thought I'd have a look.

*BurstO*Overall Impression

I like the emotion you express here. The poem has a very unifying tone: dark and restless. As a sufferer of anxiety myself, I could see myself in your verses.

*BurstY*Things I Loved

My favorite stanza is the third. It really lays open the heart of the poem. There is no real "reason" you should feel the way you do. You just do. And that's exactly the way anxiety works.

*BurstG*Suggestions

My suggestions are to pay attention to the meter. Poetry is typically a very forgiving genre when it comes to form, but if you're using a pre-established format (this being an Elizabethan or Shakespearean sonnet), you'll want to be especially careful with the meter. You'll want iambic pentameter: 5 sets of a pair of unstressed, then stressed syllables. Your line "I have no glaring faults, I have been told" is a PERFECT line of iambic pentameter. Strive to make your whole sonnet fit that model--it's a challenge, but it's also fun. *Wink*

*BurstB*Final Comments

Aside from comments on the meter, I truly enjoyed reading your poem. For being your first sonnet, it's really quite good. Keep practicing--you've got the grip on the emotions that you need. The technical stuff will come with practice.

*Pencil*Write On!

*CoffeeV*AlyCatAuthor*Wind*
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6
6
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem made me chuckle! The crocodile reminds me of the one from Peter Pan, the one with the ticking clock. I love that this short poem contains a whole story or even somewhat of a legend. It sounds like it should be in a children's book somewhere. Excellent job!
7
7
Review of Christmas Mixup  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Awww, I loved this very relatable story! Such a good family this character has, that they could simply play it off and use it as just another way to enjoy Christmas together. This kind of thing happens all too often, and usually at the worst possible times as well. Great job making me feel the emotions of this character!

My suggestions would be to focus more on sensory detail instead of focusing so much on the character's internal monologue. It reads more like a journal entry at times than a story.

Overall, very enjoyable story! *Smile*


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8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Christopher Roy Denton Author IconMail Icon! Just dropping by to review your story!

*Snow2* Overall Impression

Hilarious and believable! I really enjoyed this story. It has a good-hearted, common sense theme with relatable characters and a good dose of humor.


*Snow4* What I Loved

I really liked the way you brought in elements of our own pop culture and social atmosphere, like the cyborg terminator and the politically-correct corporate sleazeball. When we have PC meeting traditional, sparks are bound to fly, and I loved the conflict here as Santa is walked through his "termination" and seemingly forced to teach his job to a lifeless cyborg.

*Snow2* Suggestions

I don't really have much to say on this front, if anything. I really liked it just the way it was. The half-star deduction was really due to me feeling that Mother Christmas could have been developed a bit more--for some reason, she seemed a little empty/bland to me.

I really enjoyed this story, and I hope to read more from you soon! Good luck in the contest!

Write On!

*CoffeeV*AlyCatAuthor*Wind*


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9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there, A. C. Author IconMail Icon! I got your review request and just stopped by and had a look through "The Boy and the Ice-Maid" Open in new Window.. My impressions and comments are below!

*Snow1* Overall Impression

I really enjoyed this piece! I think your story concept lent itself well to a short story format. I didn't feel like it was too long, and the story drew me in. There were a few issues that I had with it that kept me from enjoying it as much as I wanted to.

*Snow2* Things I Enjoyed

I enjoyed the distinct personality and descriptive details you included for Merith. She was by far the most interesting personality in the whole story. I could see her so clearly in my mind, and I became the most attached to her throughout the course of the story. You could easily write a whole novel about this mermaid and I would gladly read it.

*Snow1* Suggestions

Some of your descriptions were lacking for other characters, including Jacob. I just saw him as a generic teenager, which may be what you were going for, but I couldn't relate well to his character because he wasn't as distinct as Merith. I was more saddened by her death than I was Jacob's. Also, some character motivations seemed to be last-minute or were not introduced very well, such as Alda's motives for tattling to the chieftain. I think if you foreshadowed these motives more concretely earlier in the story, they'd be much more believable and would tighten up your story so much.

Thank you for sharing your writing here at WDC. Never stop creating!

*Snow5*Write On!*Snow5*
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10
10
Review of The Offer  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Blake Author IconMail Icon! I'm reviewing your short story "The Offer" Open in new Window. to fulfill the recent review request you made.

*LeafR*Overall Impression

This was an interesting and quite shocking story about youthful optimism in the face of corporate greed.

*LeafY*Things I Loved

I liked your characterization of Remy and Mr. Starcose. We get a clear picture of who Remy is and why he would be naive enough to accept Mr. Starcose's invitation. I also liked Mr. Starcose's speech to Remy about knowledge and how he changed his name--that was a clever way to introduce his personality. Also, part of me really liked the unusual ending. The story could have gone on much longer, but it didn't, and that's not typical of the type of story I thought this was. You surprised me there. :)

*LeafR*Suggestions

Many of your sentences/descriptions were a bit too wordy. Don't feel like you have to explain every little detail to the reader about how Remy is feeling. Show it in the way he reacts to events or by an inner monologue.

Try not to dump a lot of information on the reader at once. There was a whole section which explained Remy's background and college experiences. Try to perhaps include those details in flashbacks or inner monologues as he's thinking about why on earth he'd be invited to a grand party at the hotel.

Also, the ending was shocking and abrupt. It's definitely cool to end your story however you see fit, and like I said earlier, it was interesting to have it not end the way I thought it would. However, there was something a little too abrupt about it. I feel like you could foreshadow the ending, perhaps by giving the background of the hotel (how no one ever went to the basement and stuff like that) perhaps from a snippet of Mr. Starcose's POV before we see Remy going to the party. That way the reader knows something's not right but doesn't quite know what it is until the climax when Remy attacks Mr. Starcose.

*LeafY*Final Comments

Overall, this was a surprising and interesting story, and I enjoyed stopping by your port to read it! Thanks for the review request, and I'd be happy to do another review for you in the future.

*Pencil*Write On!

*CoffeeV*AlyCatAuthor}/i}*Wind*
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11
11
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there, RisanF Author IconMail Icon! I just read "Different and Cool- Part 1" Open in new Window. and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope you'll find my comments helpful, encouraging, and uplifting!

*BurstV* Initial Reaction

This was a nicely-done introduction to what I know will be a story about unexpected friendship. I can't wait to read the rest!

*BurstB* Plot/Theme

The plot flowed well and didn't leave anything that felt confusing or forced. I like the theme of free-will that seems it will be ongoing throughout the story.

*BurstG* Character Development

I really liked your character development in this piece--we get to see both the major characters in their natural element or "normal world" before the inciting event happens that makes their paths cross. I liked seeing Andrew's history of struggle and a bit of his own past at the school, as well as Tarah's hilarious back-and-forth on determinism with Mr. Clark. Two VERY different characters, and you did a good job introducing both of them very clearly to the reader.

*BurstY* Grammar/Word Choice

I wasn't tripped up by any grammatical errors or spelling errors. I would have liked to see less adverbs and more attention paid to word choice. It seemed some of the descriptions were only half-done and could have been shaped up to be more powerful, especially as far as the dialogue was concerned.

For example: "I'm...sorry, Mr. Clark," Andy said, rubbing his head in a self-conscious sort of way. "It's just this class is so tough, I can't concentrate."

The description after "said" could be tightened with better word choice. "I'm sorry, Mr. Clark," Andy said. He rubbed his head and frowned down at the desk. "It's just this class is so tough, I can't concentrate."

From the fact that Andy is not looking at the teacher, is frowning, and is rubbing his head, we can assume he's feeling self-conscious/guilty just from examining his body language in conjunction with his dialogue. This shows the reader rather than telling them.

*BurstO* Technical Aspects

This was a good opening chapter, as it incorporated all the elements readers will need to be convinced to keep turning the page: characteristic moments, a bit of introduction to the normal world, some conflict with Andrew/Mr. Clark, and the broader, overarching conflict of the story is introduced toward the end (Tarah's announcement that they are partners).

*BurstR* Overall Suggestions/Encouragements

Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter, and I do want to read more. Work on putting a bit more effort into word choice/descriptions, and this story will shine even brighter!

I hope you can take something meaningful from my feedback, and as YOU are the author, please know that at the end of the day, this is YOUR piece and my suggestions are only that--suggestions.

Thank you for sharing your work with the WdC Community!

*Pencil*Write On!

*CoffeeV*AlyCatAuthor*Wind*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Jonny Capps Author IconMail Icon! I saw your chapter on the Review Board and thought I'd give it a review.

*LeafR*Overall Impression

The plot drew me in right away--anytime there's confusion/loss of memory with the main character, there's automatic conflict, as the reader wants to know what's going on just as much as the protagonist does. I was intrigued by the futuristic setting and the other character Derrin meets when he wakes up. Some minor tense issues and an ending which left more to be desired--will explain in the "Suggestions" box.

*LeafY*Things I Loved

I really liked your descriptions of the cell, how comfortable it was, and the transition from that comfort to the utter shock of the outside. Your descriptions in general were very well-done--I could see the granite room they were in, the doorway and the map, and felt grounded in the setting right away.

I also liked how you showed the struggle with Derrin halfway remembering that he shouldn't be worried, but his mind panicking anyway. That felt realistic to me, like waking up from an immersive dream and only having half a clue as to what's really going on.

I also liked the small hints we get of the relationships and the scenario existing before all this happened--his dialog with Joshua helped give a sense of rootedness, that Derrin's instinct not to be worried is somehow correct even though he seems to have no idea what is happening or where he is.

*LeafR*Suggestions

In your beginning two paragraphs, the tense seemed to switch up in a few places. For example, your first three lines: The light is comfortable. In fact, everything is comfortable right now. The only sensation that he can remember feeling at the moment was this: bathing in this soothing, warm, light, sensation slowly creeping back into his limbs. When enough feeling had returned, he could feel that his body was lying, supine, in a body pillow.

It starts in present tense but then switches to past with the word 'was' in the second sentence and then stays there the rest of the chapter. That confused me a bit. Perhaps you were going for an effect there as he woke up, but it made me trip.

As for the ending, I guess I had expected Derrin to sum up a bit of his realization at the end to keep the reader hooked. It seemed to end rather abruptly. While it's a good technique to end a chapter on a cliff-hanger and not quite reveal everything, readers need to see a little bit of what Derrin is thinking here, just a short summary of facts; something like "There had been a war. They had survived. And now they were awake." That sort of lets readers in on a hint of the overarching conflict (the nuclear war they survived by going into those cells) but doesn't give away all the details that I'm sure Joshua will fill him in on in the next chapter.

*LeafY*Final Comments

Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter and I think it has a lot of potential. It drew me in and left me asking questions and feeling curious about the plot, which is what any good first chapter should do. Thanks for sharing!

*Pencil*Write On!

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*CoffeeV*AlyCatAuthor*Wind*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, SisterCrow! I just read your chapter of ASHLANDS and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope you'll find my comments helpful, encouraging, and uplifting!

*BurstV* Initial Reaction

This was a beautifully-written snapshot of an unlikely automaton character's longing for affection and humanity. You have piqued my interest and my sympathy for poor Tommy, and now I need to know more!

*BurstB* Plot/Theme

I really loved your theme of an automaton being specially created to feel as humans do. It's interesting to read about the struggles Tommy faces, because he has the choice to revert back to a purely mechanical state free of pain--but also free of love. It presents a great thematic question and choice for Tommy--does he continue to suffer and hope for fulfilling love, or will he seek the ultimate escape and give up the indescribable gift his Maker gave him?

*BurstG* Character Development/Flow

I loved the way your chapter walks us through Tommy's past and present experiences and that he has a reason for climbing up to see the stars. His childlike prayer to his Maker really endears Tommy to the reader. We see in him the heart of a child who just wants to be loved, although this likeness to a child also reveals that he is something not quite human.

*BurstY* Grammar/Word Choice

I didn't note much in the way of grammatical errors except maybe a lack of commas here and there.

*BurstO* Technical Aspects

For an opening chapter, I think this chapter does what it's supposed to do on a technical level. We have a perfect characteristic moment for Tommy as he's silently speaking to his Maker. We have a hook that draws us in, as we know Tommy is a unique protagonist from the descriptions of his automaton body in the opening paragraphs. We get to know what he wants the most--affection--and some of what his conflict is--that he's different and some of his fellow human workers let him know it.

*BurstR* Overall Suggestions/Encouragements

Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter and could not find much of anything to criticize. I look forward to reading more of this story in the future! Keep writing!

I hope you can take something meaningful from my feedback, and as YOU are the author, please know that at the end of the day, this is YOUR piece and my suggestions are only that--suggestions.

Thank you for sharing your work with the WdC Community!

*Pencil*Write On!

*CoffeeV*AlyCatAuthor*Wind*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Ron! Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to your review request. I'm here now to give you my thoughts! *Smile*

*BurstR*First Impression

I'm not typically a fan of this particular genre of fiction, but anything that can grab me and give me an insight into the characters will keep my attention. I was really drawn in by the fact that the plot is carried mostly by dialog, and I could hear the Southern dialect strong as I was reading. Sounded like home. *Wink* The characters were intriguing and sound like people I want to know more about. Just a hint of a possible developing romance piqued my curiosity by the end of the piece.


*BurstV*Things I Liked

As mentioned above, I enjoyed the familiar banter and pace of the dialog. You did a really good job getting that Southern dialect and mood across in the dialog and descriptions. I also loved your direct references to real songs--it made the whole scene more realistic.

*BurstB*Suggestions

Your writing lacks commas, which can lead to more difficult reading. Commas break up phrases and words so they can be more easily digested while reading. Remember that commas go before conjunctions (and, but, or) most times. Instead of: Yeah, I just need to catch my breath and then I think I can make it; try this: Yeah, I just need to catch my breath(,) and then I can make it.

Also, you had quite a few run-on sentences. A run-on sentence means you have two or more sentences jammed all together into one. For example: Harold had already started walking across the parking lot to where they were sitting he crouched down on one knee and remained there for a few seconds.

To fix it, you would need to break apart the two sentences with a period. Harold had already started walking across the parking lot to where they were sitting(.) He crouched down on one knee and remained there for a few seconds.

*BurstG*Overall, I enjoyed reading your piece and I'm interested to know more about these characters and what will happen to them. Thank you for sharing your writing!

*Pencil*Write On!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there, Jay! I just read your poem and I really enjoyed it. I hope you'll find my comments helpful, encouraging, and uplifting!

*BurstV* Initial Reaction

I really love the message of perseverance this poem has! I was also struck by your unique word choices and creative ways of rhyming.

*BurstB* Plot/Theme

As I said above, the message of perseverance is so vital to the success of anyone striving for a goal, athletes and artists alike. I really like the way that theme pervades through the use of examples from the sports world in this poem, as their triumphs even under apparent defeat can be an inspiration even to those of us who aren't athletes.

*BurstG* Flow

I like how you went from examples of famous athletes to your own experiences, and then broadened it to the wider message. That flow worked really well for this poem!

*BurstY* Grammar/Word Choice

In poetry, grammar/punctuation rules tend to be a bit looser, so I'll move on to word choice, as I didn't see much in the way of grammatical issues. I really liked your use of less common words. One that particular stood out to me was "eschewed." It's been quite a while since I've seen that word (maybe since high school vocab class!) and I just love seeing neat little words like that used by other writers.

I also like that you use the word "lovely" in the first stanza as a noun. Having "lovely" in one's heart is such a unique way to represent that spirit of perseverance and kindness that you're representing in this poem.

*BurstO* Technical Aspects

Some technical aspects that stood out to me were that your lines are sometimes rearranged grammatically to make the endings rhyme (which is part of why I DON'T write poetry, because I really stink at coming up with ways to rephrase things so that they rhyme. *Wink*) This makes the rhyme scheme seem a bit forced. I don't have much in the way of suggestions (as like I said, I'm not a great poet) but it stood out to me. Do with it what you like! *Smile*

You also use emphasis on some syllables by using an apostrophe to help the lines fit the meter, which is an interesting choice of technique. Again, not really a suggestion as much as just a note--depending on the style and scheme you're going for, it may be better to leave off forcing emphasis on certain syllables as it can be seen as archaic.

*BurstR* Overall Suggestions/Encouragements

Overall, I did enjoy this poem and your creative word choices and techniques! The first rule of writing is to learn the rules--and the second is to break them. *Wink* I always enjoy reading pieces that wander outside the lines of "traditional" techniques for poetry, and especially pieces with a great theme that are easy to follow along with, as yours was.

I hope you can take something meaningful from my feedback, and as YOU are the author, please know that at the end of the day, this is YOUR piece and my suggestions are only that--suggestions.

Thank you for sharing your work!

*Pencil*Write On!

*CoffeeV*AlyCatAuthor*Wind*

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16
16
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, hippychick! I just read your piece and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope you'll find my comments helpful, encouraging, and uplifting!

*BurstV* Initial Reaction

Oh, my. This piece reminds me so much of my aunt, in such a good way. Her backyard looks very similar to the porch you describe, with pretty little odds and ends and flowers everywhere, Christmas lights decorating the umbrella over the outdoor furniture, pinwheels in all different colors. I could just see every little detail of the porch and the morning glories and the sun reflecting on the CDs. Your descriptions struck me as so colorful and nostalgic and fit the mood of the piece so well.

*BurstB* Plot/Theme

Everything seemed to flow well, as this piece didn't have a particular theme or plot, per say, but was simply an observation of the lady and her porch. I liked the way it ended, with different people imagining who the lady could be to them.

*BurstG* Character Development/Flow

Nothing much to note here, as there wasn't much character development per se, but I do like the way you get differing views of the lady from different passers-by.

*BurstY* Grammar/Word Choice

You had a few instances of strange punctuation use. For instance: One could still feel the tummy tickling excitement of coasting down a long sloping street and hear the echoes of their delighted squeals as they flew down the road, legs stretched like wings astride their flying machine cleverly disguised as bikes; although the screams of delight are now whispered to their heart through the breeze ruffling the leaves.

Consider removing the semicolon and making it a period, as this sentence is rather long. It may make it easier for the reader to process all the beautiful descriptions you have embedded in this sentence. :)

*BurstO* Technical Aspects

Nothing to note here, personally. I liked the way you structured this piece, gradually leading into the lady and her porch, and kind of "zooming in" from the neighborhood as a whole to this one particular house that stands out from the rest.

*BurstR* Overall Suggestions/Encouragements

A very colorful piece, and a nostalgic one to me, so that endeared it to me right away. Do look out for longer sentences and try to vary your sentence length a bit more, especially in the descriptive portions of your piece. I very much enjoyed reading!

I hope you can take something meaningful from my feedback, and as YOU are the author, please know that at the end of the day, this is YOUR piece and my suggestions are only that--suggestions.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!

*Pencil*Write On!

AlyCatAuthor

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17
17
Review of Deletion  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there, Fyn! I just read your short story and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I hope you'll find my comments helpful, encouraging, and uplifting!

*BurstV* Initial Reaction

I really, really like the concept you have going here! Of course as writers we can all relate to being banned from the 'delete' key, whether by our editor or by ourselves. But to twist it and put the writer in control of the editor's fate was a really interesting development!

*BurstB* Plot/Theme

Taking it slower in the beginning of the piece to really lay out where Abby was in her story set the framework up so nicely for the plot to progress. I didn't have any major hitches or "Whaaa...?" reactions as I was reading along. Each piece flowed right into the next and I never felt lost or that I wasn't sure what was going on.

*BurstG* Character Development/Flow

The way you set up the relationship between Abby and Sam really grounded me in their dynamic and helped me understand how they relate to one another as characters right off the bat. You just never know with editors and writers--with some it's a great relationship, and with others, it's more strained and strictly professional. I liked how close they are as I got a sense of warmth between them right away.

*BurstY* Grammar/Word Choice

There was only one bit that tripped me up: Crawling between the sheets, shoving the pup down to her feet, and nudging her husband, Kent, so that he'd stop snoring. You have a sentence fragment constructed primarily with gerund phrases, which means there is no subject/verb setup, which is required to make it a complete sentence.

Consider instead: Sam crawled between the sheets, shoving the pup down to her feet and nudging her husband, Kent, so that he'd stop snoring. It's small change that doesn't change the meaning or any of Sam's actions, but makes it a complete sentence.

*BurstO* Technical Aspects

I did note that I reacted with a little confusion at the very end when Sam calls Abby and knows that Abby had deleted her words. I wasn't sure if everything in Sam's dream had actually been happening to her, or if she was simply having some kind of a psychic nightmare about Abby's writing. Perhaps making that distinction more clear might help clear this up.

*BurstR* Overall Suggestions/Encouragements

I really don't have any other suggestions besides the ones listed above. It was a fantastic story overall, and well-written. I truly enjoyed reading it and appreciate you sharing it with us!

I hope you can take something meaningful from my feedback, and as YOU are the author, please know that at the end of the day, this is YOUR piece and my suggestions are only that--suggestions.

Thank you for sharing your work!

*Pencil*Write On!

*CoffeeV*AlyCatAuthor*Wind*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Very keen insight into the tough choices we have to make in our lives from time to time, and the struggle of not always having a clear reason why we're here. I loved your last few lines. "They are just the PART of your life, they are NOT your life." The ups and downs are one part of a greater whole, and everyone needs this reminder that they are in control of their own lives.

My eye was caught by the pink color you used for your text, too! I like how it starts off softer and then becomes bolder as you reach the point of clarity in your piece.

My suggestion would be to really watch out for punctuation errors. You have quite a few run-on sentences or places where you need a period instead of a comma. For example, in your first sentence, almost everywhere there is a comma, there could be a period instead.

Overall, great job and great message!
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Rated: E | (4.0)
A really neat concept you have going here! I love how you really ground the reader in these girls' personalities before launching into the event that starts everything. One suggestion is that if these girls are 12, they seem to have a more mature vocabulary than most. Even with them both being writers, it seemed their speech was no different than Holly's mother's speech or even Atticus'.

Some descriptions also seemed out of place or disrupted the flow of the story, especially in the beginning. While it's always important to set everything up so that the reader is grounded with the characters and the setting, consider using more details in dialog more often, and action beats, rather than giving whole sentences of description at a time.

Overall, I'm very intrigued to see what the girls will have Atticus do next. :)
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Review of Back In Your Head  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very keen insight into this age of information. So much is readily available to be seen and read and heard, and your encouragement to WRITE what we know for all posterity is not only an encouragement, but almost a command to those of us who have important experiences to share. In order to be heard or read by those who truly need what we write, we must be patient and wait. Most authors don't become well-known in their own lifetime, but someone down the line discovers the wisdom they have to offer and brings it back to the light. Thank you for shedding light on this. :)
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Review of The first Steps  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Awww! This was such a heartwarming little story! I love the range of emotions Duncan displays here. He goes from being on top of the world to so down in the dumps in such a small amount of time, but it makes so much sense. Even writers who don't struggle with other conditions go through these same emotions. To see this young character trying so hard to do something he loves seriously gives me so much inspiration.

One tip for improvement is to watch out for commas! You use them quite a lot in this piece and sometimes periods would go better. For example, your first sentence would be perfect if you changed all the commas to periods, as each little bit of that sentence you set off with commas is also a complete sentence.

Keep up the great work! ^_^
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Review of Paperboy  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
VERY interesting story! I was expecting it to be a tragedy of sorts, as Steve seems like the kind of type-A character to snap and do something crazy like jump out of his window. However, I loved the comedic ending! I was just beginning to feel awful for poor Donna and wonder how she would cope with Steve's tragic death.

It does leave some mysterious loose threads, most notably the identity of the mischievous paper boy. I love this as a short story!

The chapter designations did throw me off at first, and as I read through the story I found myself ignoring them. It might be more helpful just to leave them out, but of course that's up to you as the author. :)

Be aware of changing tenses in places. There were a few places where you lapsed into present tense ("he notices a young boy selling newspapers") and a peculiar spot where you said "our" instead of "their", lapsing into the first person POV.

Overall, well done and an enjoyable read that made me laugh! ^_^
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