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Review Requests: ON
1,264 Public Reviews Given
1,684 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I will review *anything*. Poems, stories, novels, folders, crosswords, whatever; from E-rated children's poems to super-exotic XGC erotica for perverts. I will almost always find something that I think needs work, but I will also almost always find something to praise.
 
I try not to let personal opinions of the subject matter get in the way; if I disagree with something, I might note it, but I won't rate an item on whether I agree with its political or religious content.
 
See "Robert’s Read, Rate, Review Remarks" Open in new Window. [ASR] for details on what I'm generally looking at in an item.
 
NOTE: I don't give affirmation; I provide detailed, honest reviews for your GPs. However, any criticism is meant constructively.
I'm good at...
Technicalities like spelling, grammar and punctuation. Beginnings and endings. Some matters of style, such as when something appears awkward. Does the characterization work? Are the settings clear and vivid? That sort of thing.
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Horror, Mythology, Erotica
Least Favorite Genres
Fashion, Parenting, Religious
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, though as I said, I'll review anything. If you want me to review your novel, however, I'd suggest making it worth my while (yes, bribery works on me).
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactives - mainly because it's tough to review something with so many different authors.
I will not review...
I'll still review them, but fair warning: unfinished stories frustrate me. For best results, give me something that's at least a finished first draft. If you do give me something unfinished to review, WARN me.
Public Reviews
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1
1
for entry "May Watch List" Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Reviewing this for "I Write: Enter the Second Decade" Open in new Window. [E]...

First impression: No embellishments here, but no need for them; just a straightforward listing of your media consumption and thoughts on the products.

Suggestions: The only suggestion I'd have would be to give us some teasers (not spoilers of course) for Ms. Marvel, but that's probably just me and my love for superhero properties. Oh well, there's always Google. Or I could *gasp* just wait for it to come out. Madness. Anyway, I found no technical issues.

Opening: I liked the "Explainer" dropdown note. A bit more creative than "Author's Note" (which, admittedly, is what I use).

Ending: About The Boys? Absolute truth, and another one I'm looking forward to watching the next installment of.

Overall: While I haven't seen some of the movies and shows you note here, I enjoyed your take on it. The following should probably be a comment instead, but what the heck; I'm not above padding a review: I would never have expected much from a G.I. Joe story. As far as I know, the only time a successful movie was made explicitly to sell toys was Star Wars. This also applies to movies based on video games.

In any case, thanks for your insights!

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


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2
2
for entry "~ Ironic, Isn't It? ~" Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A review for "I Write: Enter the Second Decade" Open in new Window. [E]

First impression: Short but draws from personal experience and fits the prompt. (Note: this review is for this one entry only, not the book item.)

Suggestions: About the only thing I could suggest in general would be to expand on the details a bit. I expect there was some sort of inner struggle: study? Or go to the beach? The entry details the outcome of that struggle, but not the tension that results from fighting one's own inner battles (think the cartoon image of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other; I'll let you decide which takes which side).

Opening: Ignoring the first line, which is a link to the prompt, I'd suggest starting with the second sentence, perhaps reworded. Drop us right into the point.

Ending: Much ink and electrons have been wasted over the definition of "ironic," but it's generally accepted that none of the examples provided in Alanis's song are actual irony (a better title would have been "Doesn't It Suck?") While I don't think your example is irony, either, it does seem to fit with the theme of the song. And the meaning of words changes.

Overall: A little longer wouldn't hurt, but I think we get the idea. I especially appreciate the concrete idea of a Mack truck when there are so many other ways to die and you just wanted to experience life before that happens. I get it.

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


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3
3
Review of Masquerade  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
A review for "I Write: Enter the Second Decade" Open in new Window. [E]

First impression: Great idea, but less a story than an outline of an idea for one.

Suggestions:

*Donut4* spelling: "dalmatian."

*Donut4* The phrase "was/were actually..." got to be a bit repetitive; consider different wordings.

*Donut4* I'd suggest a more focused approach to the piece in general; perhaps tell it from the point of view of a particular character; maybe a discussion between a human and a "myth."

*Donut4* Maybe this is just me, but there's missed potential for an excellent pun on "myth" and "misters in the produce section."

Opening: I'd suggest cutting or moving the first three sentences; it's backstory. That information can be included later. To convey the "surprise," the reader should be just as surprised as the people in the story supposedly are, in my opinion.

Ending: The bits about the President are the funniest parts of the story. Also the most realistic.

Overall: Like I said, great idea, could use some work, as noted. It's good that you gave some concrete examples; they're amusing and diverse enough to convey some of the scale of the change.

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


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4
4
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Yep, it's me again; I found this in Read & Review.

First impression: Now that's funny. And too true to life in New York.

Suggestions: For the most part, I think the prompt words/phrases are worked in seamlessly, and the poem benefits from a consistent rhyme scheme, but a couple of things stood out:

*Donut4* I stumbled a bit at the Deadwood line; it doesn't seem to fit the established rhythm.

*Donut4* Second-to-last line, maybe I'm instead of I?

*Donut4* Almost hate to point this out as this poem is obviously meant for humor, but, in the next-to-last stanza, what car? The narrator took a cab. (I decided to point this out anyway because it could lead to even more humor to try to hail another cab, but I have no idea how it'd be worded.)

Opening: Probably just personal preference, but I'd suggest starting with something other than "It was..." because it's reminiscent of the worst opening line of all time. Perhaps something active? Something like "I took my first trip to New York."

Ending: Apart from the nitpick above, I loved the conclusion. A big part of humor is subverting expectations, and this does that well.

Overall: The above suggestions aside, the poem kept my attention throughout, wanting to see what would happen, suspecting that it would be something dire, but exactly what? And I wasn't disappointed. Loved the descriptions.

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


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5
5
Review of Homeward Bound  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Found this in Read & Review.

*Party* This is a review to celebrate Writing.Com's 21st Birthday with "All Grown Up" Open in new Window. *Party*


First impression: I felt like it took a couple of stanzas to find a consistent rhythm, but the imagery, the rhyme scheme, and the tone of the poem are well-crafted.

Suggestions: Not many, really.

*Donut4* The rhythm thing I refer to above is that, for most of the poem, the second line of each stanza accents the second syllable, a natural iambic foot that's used to good effect. While a strict consistency might not work either, the first stanza in particular gives a different beat to the second line, one that sets expectations for the rest. The impact is further reduced by the reversed accents on the syllable of the final word in the line, "window." While I'm not sure how to edit this to fit while still maintaining the rhyme scheme -- assuming you'd even want to; I'm being picky here -- one option would be "Alone beside the window," which at least transposes the first foot.

*Donut4* Most of the verbs used are concrete, active ones. In a couple of places, there's some conjugation of "to be," though, and I felt like those lines could become stronger with some substitution. For example, "death's angel was quite near" might have more impact with something like "death's angel lurked quite near."

Opening: Pretty much covered this above. On the plus side, it starts with a strong image, grounding the poem in an observer's point of view before moving to inside the man's mind.

Ending: A satisfying ending, completing the poem as death completes a life.

Overall: The nitpicks above notwithstanding, the poem is full of strong images and active verbs, describing just enough to let the reader's imagination fill in the gaps. Good use of punctuation. The rhymes don't seem forced, and give the poem a lyrical effect. A difficult subject, navigated well.

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this through Read & Review. I see you are new here -- welcome to WDC!

*Party* This is a review to celebrate Writing.Com's 21st Birthday with "All Grown Up" Open in new Window. *Party*


First impression: Short piece, an exhortation to self, good imagery, with no spelling, grammar, or punctuation issues that I could see.

Suggestions: I do have some minor style suggestions, which of course you can take or leave.

*Donut4* Verb tenses. I almost hate to say this, because I don't like present-tense narratives in general, but in this case it would be appropriate because of its short length and poetic style. The piece starts out in past tense, moves on to past perfect with "I had had," turns to simple past with "I was afraid," then present with "Yet, it feels..." Hopefully you get the idea. My suggestion is to change "stared" to "stare," "knew" to "know," etc., which has the benefit of eliminating the technically correct but awkward "I had had the desire..." (which can become "I had the desire...")

*Donut4* Repeated phrase. I do this all the time and always kick myself for it afterwards. You don't seem to be using repetition as a rhetorical device here, so I'd suggest changing one of the instances of "to let" to some other infinitive, perhaps "to allow." It's a minor change, but it can be more interesting to a reader to change things up a bit.

Opening: Apart from the tense change I'm suggesting above, it seems like an appropriate beginning; we have to start somewhere, and the "blank page" is as good a place as any.

Ending: I really liked the metaphor with the tree here, which also conveys the connotation of "turning over a new leaf"

Overall: The use of active verbs in these sentences gives this piece some power. Nice, appropriate use of a semicolon in the last line -- that changes up the pace a bit. I'd be tempted to call this a prose poem, with all the concrete imagery and personification. Good work overall, and I hope you'll keep it up!

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


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7
7
Review of 365 days  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Found this in Read & Review. I see you are new here, so: Welcome to WDC! The following review represents my opinion only -- I'm no expert on poetry -- and is meant constructively.

*Party* This is a review to celebrate Writing.Com's 21st Birthday with "All Grown Up" Open in new Window. *Party*


First impression: There's something about the repeated phrases (such as "Oh I wish I could tell my old self" that really works here; it seems to reflect the narrator's mental state, kicking themselves for making what, in retrospect, was a bad decision.

Suggestions: I have a few, but they're mostly technical ones; I liked the content and structure of the poem.

*Donut4* While most everything seems to be spelled correctly, I'd suggest punctuation to emphasize the breaks and flows of the poem -- as it is, any punctuation mostly occurs in the middle of lines (with one exception) but I think it would improve readability to also do some at the ends of lines, in the same manner as if it were prose.

*Donut4* The second line seems unclear to me: "not look up my old friend." Part of my confusion is related to the punctuation comment above; it's hard to tell if the narrator is regretting looking the friend up, or telling them not to "look up." Fortunately, the rest of the poem clarified this, but (as noted below) the first lines are important to hold a reader's attention, which is harder if they're unclear. Suggested revision would be to put the word "to" in there somewhere; e.g., "to not look up my old friend" or "not to look up my old friend" (assuming of course that this is your intention).

*Donut4* I'm not sure if the white space between "And to learn you are not" and "more than dirt" is intentional or not. My mind inserted the word "worth" in the empty space (perhaps because it was in the previous line), but again, it depends on your intention.

*Donut4* There are places (apart from the beginning of lines, which is normal for a poem) where words are capitalized without context. Examples: "But, What a price I had to pay" and "So, Today I set my soul free." There are different things you could do here besides just making them lower-case; for example, it may not be textbook-proper English, but you could emphasize a pause by making it something like, "But. What a price I had to pay!"

*Donut4* Along similar lines, I'd suggest avoiding emphasis by using capitals; it doesn't convey well in online reading. The only place this happens is toward the end, "And my wish is for ME." Better to use the formatting tools, or manually surrounding the (lowercase) word with {i} and {/i} to make it italic. ({i}me{/i} becomes me)

Opening: As noted above, I think the second line is unclear. With that clarified, I believe the opening will make people read on to wonder what the backstory is that made the narrator lament the events of the past.

Ending: On one further technical note, "suppose" should probably be "supposed." Other than that, it's a clear ending to the poem; while it could probably be improved by using more concrete language, it does fit with the tone of the poem and wraps up the regrets of the past by looking to the future.

Overall: Nitpicks aside, I think this is a relatable poem, as most people experience this kind of regret at least once in life. The repetition gives it some grounding and, as I said above, reflects a certain state of mind where one relives some mistake over and over -- which is why the ending works, in my opinion, because it feels like a break from the mental whirlpool. The strongest lines (again in my opinion) are the ones that talk about putting the memories in a box or an inaccessible room, because those are metaphors that anyone can understand. Good work overall -- keep it up!

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


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8
8
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Found this in Read & Review.

*Party* This is a review to celebrate Writing.Com's 21st Birthday with "All Grown Up" Open in new Window. *Party*


First impression: A suspenseful short story with a satisfying ending. I presume the bolded words were required for a prompt; they fit seamlessly into the narrative.

Suggestions: It's generally well-written, so I only have a few:

*Donut4* "she thought she heard driveway stones crunch..." I'd suggest removing the "thought" bit; it's enough to say that she heard the crunch.

*Donut4* "so she could send those b……s to jail" - while the image of a "little old lady" self-censoring her thoughts is amusing, I'd either write out the word (the content rating is good enough to say "bastards" if that's what was meant), or put it in "decent" language.

*Donut4* "as Nellie thought to herself" - "thought to herself" is redundant; who else is she going to think to? While it's certainly acceptable conversational English, I feel like it could be stronger without the "to herself" bit.

*Donut4* "The woman, now known to be fifteen..." As their ages are revealed, perhaps don't use "man" and "woman." While they might or might not be tried as adults, if they both got sent to juvie, they were younger than adult age. I think "the female" and "the male" might sound too police-report-ish, but there might be other ways to reword this to make their descriptions match their ages.

Opening: Generally good, setting the tone with a bit of normalcy before the terror begins. My only suggestion here is to minimize the use of linking verbs (like "was") and passive voice (such as "grocery shopping had to be done." The last sentence of the first paragraph is strong, though, using the active verb "blister." (On a personal note, I think 82 degrees is downright chilly, but that's just me.)

Ending: Reveals more of the main character's personality, though "Gettin' old is not for sissies" might be a bit of a cliché. Still, it sounds like something she'd have said, and it's good for closure.

Overall: As I said, well-written, with only those few things that I noted -- all personal opinion, of course. Having the line "They probably thought she was too old and scared to go to the police" is especially good, because it speaks to the reason why they might have let her go in the first place -- willing to steal, but not murder. Great story; keep it up!

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing this at your request. Note: I did not read all of the many chapters, choosing instead to focus on the overall tone and some of the author's contributions, as the author of an interactive has only limited control over other peoples' additions.

First impression: As an interactive, the story parameters are well-defined, the instructions clear, and the characters mostly clearly described.

Suggestions: While the writing is generally well-done in both intro and chapters, I'd suggest avoiding simple descriptions like (from Chapter 1) "Damon was your typical man's man..." It's too generic and nonspecific for a reader to get a handle on the character's looks or personality. The rest of the description of that character is perfectly fine, for instance, "He cradled two cases in the crooks of his arms as he waddled forwards, his biceps rippling as he went," which is a good visual description of the character.

Opening: The info/guidance page clearly sets out what someone needs to know about the setting, including guidelines for new chapters, a succinct teaser/overview of the story's themes, and two of the main characters' bios. One thing I would suggest here is, because it's set in the same universe as some other stories, perhaps direct links to those items would be useful so someone doesn't have to do a lot of searching or go to your portfolio page if they're unfamiliar with those earlier interactives. Also, the first chapter seems to set the tone for characterization, while conveying more information about the setting.

Ending: Having found "the end" from the outline, it looks like this story was mostly wrapped up, though it still seems open to other possibilities. With many chapters still available, there's opportunity for new stories.

Overall: The writing here is generally excellent: good grammar, spelling, and other technical things in addition to good dialogue, descriptions, and actions. From what I saw, the options given at the end of the chapters tend to be varied, suggesting possible paths without forcing a particular outcome.

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword
10
10
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Mike! I'm reviewing this as part of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. , having selected it at random from your port.

First impression: I chuckled. This is similar to a satire one might find at The Onion (this is a good thing). Just the right mixture of absurdist and realist writing; that juxtaposition is almost always funny.

Suggestions: The only real suggestion I have would be about formatting. As it is, all the text appears to be one size, though certain phrases are in all caps. I think it would pop a lot better if, for example, the headline were bold and larger, and perhaps the byline (and photo info) smaller.

Of course this doesn't affect the content in any way, which as I said got a laugh out of me. I especially liked the pun of "fallen star" in the headline, and "assisted technicide."

Overall: Satire can be difficult to get right, but I think you nailed it here. Including the photograph is a nice touch, too, giving the reader a point of reference. Of course, it's probably a bit outdated now -- I can't remember the last time I saw a fax machine -- but in my opinion should be kept up for posterity.

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of The Boogiecat!  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Found this through Read & Review...

First impression: Short but descriptive... prose poem? I'll call it a prose poem; you can correct me if I'm mischaracterizing it. I especially liked how the description of the boogiecat are things that dogs are known to dislike, such as baths and broccoli.

Suggestions: It's a short piece, so I only have a few, and they're mostly nitpicks.

*Donut4* It might improve readability to break up the paragraph into more than one paragraph; it gives readers a break and helps keep eyes on the page.

*Donut4* There are few instances where punctuation might be improved; for example, the first comma could be replaced by a semicolon (or perhaps even a colon).

*Donut4* For the most part, I liked the phrasing, but it occurred to me on a second reading that the line "Their eyes glow in the dark..." might have more impact if it were rearranged; perhaps "Their eerie gray eyes..." or some such (again, I like how it's a dog's monochromatic point of view).

*Donut4* Using "summoned" and "summation" so close together seemed odd to me -- though the words have very different meanings, they're similar enough that it was a bit jarring on first read.

Opening: Apart from the comma comment above, I thought the first sentence was a good hook.

Ending: Bringing it full circle is a very effective technique.

Overall: What stories do canine parents tell their puppies to make them behave? That's my take on the tone of the piece, anyway, and it could become one of a series of similar stories.

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of Life Thus  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! Found this at random in "Read & Review"...

First impression: I like the basic metaphor here, of the individual as a grain of sand and the ocean as life (at least that's how I interpret it; I miss these things sometimes). The last line is especially evocative.

Suggestions: A few things to consider, though keep in mind that I'm not an expert on poetry:

*Donut4* I thought the rhythm was kind of all over the place here, inconsistent between lines. Most lines have four feet; some have five, and in one I counted three ("The grains are roughed and smoothed") - I think the poem would read more clearly if it were more consistent.

*Donut4* The third line appears to be forcing a rhyme; "And for a time it there stressed" doesn't sound very natural, and it feels like the line was twisted to rhyme with the first and fifth lines.

*Donut4* In that same area, the phrases didn't parse well to me, and seem a bit confusing.

Opening: While "temporal waters" doesn't make much plain sense, the poetry of the phrase overcomes that; an interesting opening that makes a reader want to keep going.

Ending: As I noted above, I like the last line; the moon imagery signifies, to me at least, something distant, hard to reach, mysterious, and yet an integral part of life.

Overall: Again, I felt like the metaphor worked, and my comments are mostly about its execution. With some revision, I think this can be a strong poem.

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for directing me to this!

Very enjoyable story, with great detail for such a short piece -- mostly scent-oriented, which is appropriate given the theme. I especially appreciated all the name-dropping going on -- both of historical figures and smokes.

But is it bad that starting from the first line I had the Pink Panther theme tune stuck in my head?

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review of The nth Root  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for sharing this story!

First impression: Well-formatted and easy to read; good descriptions.

Suggestions: Everything seemed technically good, except maybe to replace some of the "be" verbs with ones that show a little more action; tends to hold a reader's attention better.

Opening: At first I thought, well, this needs more actual description, like what did narrator and John actually say to each other? But it would be hard to do that without revealing the twist.

Ending: Excellent.

Overall: While it's probable that younger readers won't get this, that's on them for not learning history. The mental exercises struck me as perfectly reasonable under the circumstances; I once warded off pain by figuring out how to convert any number into binary in my head. Good job overall!

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
Review of Audrey's Son  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window.!
Winners are announced in the forum and awarded via a separate email.
Receiving this review doesn't mean you won or lost; it means I had time to do a review of your entry!
In addition to my normal reviewing criteria (linked below), this review considers creative use of the prompt.


Good story that fits the prompt perfectly. Characterization is well-defined, and keeping it to two characters for such a short piece is a good idea. Great plot that proceeds realistically, and believable dialogue. The only thing I'd suggest is: “No - mom, I swear, I haven’t touched that stuff and I never will again. I -” -- we know from other paragraphs that the kid had been in trouble for that before, but the way he says this makes it ambiguous that he ever "touched the stuff."

Oh, and allow me to say: Welcome to WDC!

PLEASE NOTE: Spelling, grammar and punctuation are not considered in selection of winner(s) for "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window., and any comments regarding these technical issues are only presented herein to assist the author in editing.

Exercise your writes!
Another fractal sig by sarajean!
C==|==============>
the pun is mightier than the sword


My reviewing criteria can be seen at "Robert’s Read, Rate, Review Remarks" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
16
16
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Reviewing this at your request.

First impression: Kind of a light, breezy narrative (mostly) that mainly seems to serve to introduce characters.

Suggestions: A few to consider; these are mostly just my opinion.

*Bullet* “It’s open Pugna! Come in!” Here, and in a couple of other places, you need a comma before whoever the speaker is addressing. "It's open, Pugna!" "Nice joke, dude." "Lighten up, Pecks."That sort of thing.

*Bullet* If you don’t already know, Primis is the first day of the week in Tutum. This sort of thing breaks the fourth wall. Either do it a lot more or, and this would be my preference as a reader, rewrite things so as not to need the asides. In writing fantasy or other otherwordly stuff, it's important to strike a balance between feeding the reader information and just letting them view the scene.

*Bullet* I had kept writing down things in my journal Tense switch from past to past perfect.

*Bullet* The man carrying the boxes seems to be nothing more than an excuse to a) demonstrate how boy-scoutish the narrator is and b) introduce Amare. I'd recommend against introducing a throwaway character in the first chapter, so I suggest either a) finding another way to accomplish these narrative tasks or b) show some interaction with the box man, and make him happen again later in the plot.

*Bullet* There are some paragraph formatting issues. They are distracting and easy to fix.

*Bullet* I hadn’t stand a chance. I didn't stand a chance, or I hadn't stood a chance. The former is preferable.

*Bullet* When Amare comes in out of the rain, and during the ensuing dialogue, it would flesh things out a bit if you showed some of the effects of a thoroughly soaked girl dripping water all over the narrator's room. Also potentially amusing as he would put up with that because he's into her.

*Bullet* I’m 99.99% sure I should’ve blacked out because of my vasovagal syncope. Everything else this guy say is pretty basic. Normally I'd say "vasovagal syncope" is out of character, but in this case it made me laugh. I hope that was what was intended. Still, I'd nix the "99.99%" bit, as it definitely seems out of place in this narrative.

*Bullet* I looked out at the setting sun and how beautiful it was. Ten seconds ago (in the narrative), it was raining. It is, of course, not uncommon for rain to stop and make the setting sun visible, but I felt like there should be some sort of acknowledgement to the change in weather, perhaps related to how long the narrator has been unconscious. Also, instead of "how beautiful it was," maybe use some descriptive words: colors, play of light, that sort of thing.

All of these suggestions notwithstanding, I think the three main characters are introduced well, and the stage is set for whatever comes next. We still need to know what was bugging Amare upon the first meeting, but I assume that can come later.

Opening: The lava below me bubbles and pops as I fall. Especially since the rest of the chapter sets the "normal" scene of the narrator, I think this is a good hook. However, we can probably do without the rest of the paragraph, as noted above.

Ending: Not an ending, really, just the end of the chapter. While it's not a cliffhanger, there's probably enough hints dropped in this chapter to make the reader want to know more, especially as to how this "normal life" is about to be disrupted by the plot. At least, that's what I hope will happen.

Overall: Maybe work on the dialogue a little, show some more minor actions and descriptions, but I think that, apart from the suggestions above, it's a good start. Keep it up!

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17
17
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Found this in Read & Review...

First impression: Quick, amusing story with characterization through dialogue.

Suggestions: Just a few:

*Cookie4* There's only one dialogue tag in the story, and it's in the first line. I'd suggest either a) add more descriptions/actions/tags to other paragraphs, or b) take out the tag and convey the information (their names and relationship) within different lines of dialogue, making it a dialogue-only story.

*Cookie4* Some idea of their ages, at least relative to each other, would be helpful in conveying the sisterly dynamic involved. For instance, one could call the other "little sis" or something like that. I get the impression that they're mothers with kids in the school involved; if I'm wrong about that, it could be clarified.

*Cookie4* Couple of minor technical issues: "for a good cause and, they’re having" - move the comma before the 'and'; "a whole neighborhood’s worth of stuff Sara" - comma before Sara. Same thing in the next line, before Angie.

Opening: Opens with dialogue, good; also, appropriate use of semicolon.

Ending: Satisfying ending, showing that the sisters have their priorities in order... as far as they're concerned, anyway.

Overall: Fairly good job differentiating the different speakers without use of many dialogue tags; the sisters seem to have different styles of verbal expression. Hence, good characterization (for such a short piece) through dialogue alone. And a good resolution. Keep it up!

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18
18
Review of The Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! Found this at random for a Birthday celebration review!

First impression: Hilarious scenario, and even plausible.

Suggestions: Main suggestion is I felt it's too short. Told in a matter-of-fact manner, as if it's part of a dinnertime conversation and the narrator is just trying to get through it quickly. I don't know - maybe that was part of the prompt for the contest (the genre is "contest entry"). In any case, my suggestion is to expand some of it, providing more detail. As an example: "A neighbor saw me and called the police" could become something like "As I climbed, I noticed a silhouette in a lit window, phone to her ear," or similar. This helps to build suspense for the ending.

Minor suggest: Las Vegas, not Los Vegas.

Opening: Not sure about opening with "Yes." But a good setup.

Ending: Enjoyable punch line, making it clear (in general) who the narrator is talking to and why she's telling the story. Good twist.

Overall: As I noted, I suggest expanding on it, but the plot is sound.

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19
19
Review of Consciousness  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very well-written essay, setting out the author's view of consciousness clearly and with remarkable detail for a short piece. Your thoughts here are in general alignment with mine (though I try not to use that as a criterion for rating), and while there's (at this time) really no way to verify the central hypothesis, it makes a lot more sense than the "panpsychism" idea that brought this to my attention.

The only thing I'd quibble about is that it's clear that different forms of life possess different levels of consciousness, so I feel it's more on a continuum than possessed of any particular dividing line between "conscious" and "not conscious." Matter of opinion, of course, and doesn't detract from the general thrust of the essay.

Well done - keep it up!


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20
20
Review of Surprise!  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Reviewing this as a fellow participant in "I Write in 2019" Open in new Window. [E]

First impression: I looked at the contest to see what the taboo words were, so I can say: creative non-use of them *Smile*

Suggestions:

*Donut4* the sentence They were the best, but still the same wild group we’d been for years. - as the previous sentence begins with "the gifts," this sentence's first word is a pronoun with an ambiguous antecedent. I know it refers to the other women, but that's not apparent until later in the sentence.

*Donut4* but being in a fancy hotel's private room I’d never been in I'd suggest editing this so as not to repeat the word "in."

*Donut4* It wasn’t what I expected at all. I suggest avoiding sentences with linking verbs. Instead, show this by her reaction or the other women's responses to her reaction.

Opening: Fairly strong; opening with dialogue works. Maybe a bit too heavy on the backstory in the first paragraph - some of that is not needed. Also see suggestions above.

Ending: I liked how you avoided a taboo word with the "kiss" action. Satisfying ending all around, in many senses of the word.

Overall: A short scene, but well-executed. Can't speak to the contest requirements, but it's a good idea and, apart from the few suggestions I listed above, it works.

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21
21
for entry "~ The Blue Fairy ~" Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi again! Reviewing this as a fellow participant in "I Write in 2019" Open in new Window. [E].

First impression: Really liked the examples provided, and the narrative in general. It feels like this was personal experience.

Suggestions: My main suggestion is: incorporate some dialogue. If, as I suspect, this is an actual childhood memory, you might have to make something up; that's okay. A good example of where you could include some is the "mother's suggestion" part, where instead of paraphrasing what she said, you could put something in quotes. I think using dialogue would help with varying the pacing of the story.

I'd also suggest not using words like "very" as in "It was very ineffective."

Opening: My suggestion here is really a matter of individual preference, so take it or leave it: I didn't feel the opening was grabby enough. What I'd do is take the fourth paragraph about wiggling the tooth, rewrite it to be more active, like a scene ("I wiggled the tooth back and forth, back and forth...") and then, later, go into the Blue Fairy bit.

Ending: Great ending that wraps everything up and cements the feeling of time and place in the reader. Maybe capitalize Blue Fairy like you did elsewhere? The bit about the dime is especially nice.

Overall: This reads like a grandmother telling stories to grandchildren. That's fine, but to hold a particular random reader's attention, you might want to consider some minor edits as discussed. But I thought the story overall was good, with some vivid, realistic imagery - I remembered the whole loose tooth thing from my own childhood. Keep it up!

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22
22
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Reviewing this as a fellow participant in "I Write in 2019" Open in new Window. [E]

First impression: Great imagery in this short poem.

Suggestions: I only have one, really; the poem both adheres to the chosen form and provides poetic satisfaction.

The one suggestion is this: the compound verb "covers up" seems to me to be out of place here; I'd suggest replacing it, perhaps with a single word of three syllables so as not to disturb the syllable count or rhythm. This may just be because I recently wrote an editorial about the overuse of the word "up," though, so as always, take review advice with a grain of salt.

Overall: The repeated line is well-chosen, and the rhyme scheme is consistent and gives it a melodic beat. Concrete imagery increases the impact of this verse. Well done!

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23
23
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I'm reviewing this as a fellow participant in "I Write in 2019" Open in new Window. [E]

First impression: Having looked over the contest for which this was prepared, I think I have some idea what the goal is. What you have here is a good start, in my opinion, but I believe that in order to hook readers better, some fleshing-out might be useful.

Suggestions: I'd suggest expanding this. There's room on this cover flap for more than four sentences, and I think people might be more inclined to look deeper if you dangle a bit more bait in front of them.

*Donut4* Ruth had lost everything. How? Divorce? Bankruptcy? Official corruption? Fire? How can we, the readers, sympathize with the main character? Why should we care about her, in particular, out of all of the people who have "lost everything?"

*Donut4* She wanted to rebuild her life. While expressing character motivation is important, that's more of a goal than a motivation. Why did she want to rebuild? Prove herself? Good place for the grandkids to hang out?

*Donut4* Follow her as she plows through problems while rebuilding her life as she rebuild the old house. Suggest you give us some hints as to what, specifically, these problems are. Leaky roof? Inspectors demanding bribes? Neighbors with rabid chihuahuas? Obviously, solving the problems would be part of the story, but here, you can give us some seemingly insurmountable problems to make us wonder how they could be dealt with.

*Donut4* "rebuild" is probably overused here, and the last one should be "rebuilds," but if you rewrite it anyway, shouldn't be a problem.

Overall: Obviously, this is just my opinion, and honestly it's not the sort of thing I'd usually read, so I'm not sure how useful I'd be in getting people to read it. But this is marketing, and some things about marketing are universal, such as creating a desire in the consumer that they didn't even know was there. I hope the above at least gives you some things to think about in that regard. Keep it up!

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24
24
Review of Big Sister  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Reviewing this as a fellow participant in "I Write in 2019" Open in new Window. [E]

First impression: I really liked the situation and the characters here. I actually laughed out loud, which isn't that common a reaction for me when reading a story.

Suggestions: I do have a few.

*Donut4* The primary suggestion I have is to avoid the use of linking verbs; specifically, "was" and other forms of the infinitive "to be." They're not very engaging, and can usually be replaced by more active verbs, or the sentences rewritten. Too many instances of this here to note them all, but here's one example: He was an intelligent kid, and had oiled the hinges on the old solid wood door. Perhaps just something like "Earlier, he had thought ahead by oiling the hinges on the old solid wood door." The reader can infer the "intelligent" part from this and other actions he takes.

*Donut4* It wasn't so much bullying, more like general harassment. In addition to the "was" bit, this could be stronger if you provided some examples of the harassment. Readers like concrete ideas. I realize this might cause problems with the word count, but perhaps after the contest judging is over.

*Donut4* Time to take you medicine. your

Opening: See the first suggestion above. If the story started with the third sentence, it might be more engaging.

Ending: Great ending, also made me laugh. Only I'd suggest you might make it more clear who was doing the screaming. I assumed mom, but it would be even funnier if it was big, strong, implacable, gun-totin' dad.

Overall: Like I said, great idea. Good characterization for such a short story with four characters (five if you count the reptile), mostly developed through dialogue. And POV is consistent, which is a good thing. Could use some polish, but basically a sound plot. Keep it up!

Exercise your writes!
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25
25
Review of Foresight  Open in new Window.
Review by Robert Waltz Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" Open in new Window. [E].
Thanks for entering!


First impression: Well-crafted story of time travel and human nature.

Suggestions: I don't have many - the story hangs together nicely as-is. The only thing I thought I might want to know more about would be Del's backstory with the fire, perhaps as some additional dialogue between the two, if it can be done seamlessly.

Opening: Good opening that sets up the main characters and hints at the nature of the story.

Ending: Avoids paradox, wraps things up in an internally consistent way.

Overall: The story distinguishes well between the characters at various ages. Everyone's motivation is well-defined. The tech is consistent without being overexplained. I especially liked the use of name-reversal in Leira and Ariel, which itself hints at time travel, and the line, “Fight time and all you get is old.” Good job - keep it up!

Exercise your writes!
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