punctuation can really help the flow of a poem, especially when you choose to rhyme." We can waste time we can go whenever" should have a comma between time and we. when reading the line without one it doesn't make much sense. and some of the rhymes here were a bit expected, eye and sky, for example. sometimes this makes the rhyme seem forced and not genuine, which is something the sentiment of the poem tries to get across. it seems like a lovely, genuinely piece but sometimes little errors here and there and forced, predictable rhymes make it seem like a hallmark card instead of the good poem that it is. just my opinion though.
the PROS:
obviously a very difficult subject matter. these types of poems tend to veer into melodrama, but this piece
was written with a very careful voice; it is at once both casual and forceful. a simple "this is just how it is" works well here.
kudos for succor; i never see this word used!
some good imagery in the fifth stanza, particularly the pairing of unyielding and concrete (don't know if this was an intentional play on words, but i enjoy it nonetheless). very moving piece.
the CONS:
the only thing i can find fault with (and it might not even be a valid fault) is in the second stanza. i'm assuming
you wanted to place emphasis on "unshaven, foul, and pathetic" by giving them their own lines, but giving "he is" its own line
as well drives me a little crazy hah!
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