I've only been on this site for a few weeks, but this is the best short story I have read here or anywhere else for a long, long time. It has everything a story needs, even to a surprise ending! It is so hard when the lesson we are trying to teach our children go awry. I liked how you brought the reader back to the present with the iced tea and the smoke. I can just see the grandfather sitting there, with this grandson hanging on every word. I can tell you were sorry you didn't stand up to Big Bart, did you ever think of involving your parents in this discussion? You see, I believe that this was a real event! Such a good story needs to be shared.. Please send me more of your writing. I would love to read it. Thanks so much for giving me a reason to continue to participate in this site. - Carol
This has such good bones for a story! It almost reads like poetry! Alot has been said on this site about not telling the story but showing it. I think you need to read this over with that in minda nd see if there are ways you could show the action instead of telling it.
ie: The grass was soft and the air was rich. Birds were singing and the grasshoppers were chirping in the distance. I rolled onto my side and looked her in the eyes.
if you had made this into an action of rolling onto your side and looking into her eyes?? The soft grass cushioned my side as I rolled over to look into here eyes..
I hope tis helps.. It is a beautiful passage, and I know there is more to it.. :) I want to read more!!
I think you have a good idea for a story, but you need to let the story tell itself, and not tell the reader what is happening. When I start to read a good, I know I am going to like it when the author starts by immediately pulling me into the story. I like to do this by just thinking there is a small camera attached the the main characters head and the author is seeing everything through his eyes and telling the tale through his observations.
You moved the story well with your dialogue, but it was a tad bit stiff. and at times repetitive. Try to imagine each character as having their own voice and use of language and grammer. It will help the reader understand who said what to whom!
" The ship’s crew started adjusting its sails as it crossed into the Phocaian Bay. Slowing it down even further as they headed for the Phocaian docks. Sierra was sitting, watching the sea as the ship slowly pulled into the calm open harbor"
I think you need to do a little research on how to sail a clipper ship or 2 masted brig. If you know which sail they lowered and the vocabulary for what the crew did to adjust the sails it will seem more credible to the reader. (it the reason I never write about modern mechanics! I don't know anything about 'em!)
I love reading these types of stories and I really want to see what you do with these characters.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cburke768
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 8:52pm on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
