I really liked this poem too. I don't know if it fits into a poetic form but I like the words you use and the way they convey emotion. The way you described the time you were sitting closely together watching a movie was a nice picture of a happy relationship. Then, when you broke up and you say he cut you from his heart so he would not hurt on the inside (you could have left out the words on the) and how you wished you could do the same. The last part with the repetition of the word "still" was very emotional. You used simple words but conveyed a powerful feeling of lost love. If it was not a personal experience you went through, you have an excellent imagination.
I think you forgot this was not a text message when you typed "I wish I could give u up" or does your computer have a problem keeping up with your typing like mine does? I notice that it misses letters of words and my cursor sometimes jumps into the middle of a word when i hit the space bar so I can't see what was typed where it is supposed to be and there are parts of words in words. I like your poem though especially when you described his body being warm with sweat. We don't usually think of sweat when we think of romantic scenes, or at least I don't. I also like the mouth watering and body shivering. You did very well at expressing how our bodies react to our senses. I wish I wrote that well.
I loved this poem for its rhyme and you have powerful statements about the negative things in life. Was the fountain of blood your military service where you saw much bloodshed? I am glad women do not have to go to war. I don't think I could handle such an experience. At least you did find some "pretty things" and I hope your life is more balanced now. Age does have a way of doing that for us. Our outlook on life changes and we become more accepting of the fact that father time is not going to give us the answers we seek. So, we quit asking and just take each day as it comes with the good and bad.
When I saw the title of your piece, I had to read it because Chicago is my hometown. I figured out who your character was pretty quickly, although I didn't remember his name. I have heard much about the book The Devil in White City, but I have not read it and am not sure I want to either. I don't want graphic images of people being tortured in my mind. I still have a hard time understanding how a person could do such things to other humans. Your story gives some insight into that kind of personality, one devoid of conscience. I really like this statement you make "...when a mere stranger turns up dead we pretend we care, like we always cared, and we wonder who could have done such a thing and why." It is sad to have to admit, to but it is true. I think the pretending we care and always cared is an attempt we make to cover up our self-centered ignoring of others. It's easier to care about people we never knew and probably never would know, than to be responsible for how we treat our own families, friends and neighbors. As you have him say no one would cry for him and how many good people have no one to cry for them, or care for them when they need help.
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That is cute. I like the way you refer to Sir Winter instead of calling him Old Man Winter. It is more complimentary, like you don't dislike him but think he has been around a little too long. He sounds like a guest who has "overstayed his welcome." I am pretty glad to see him go this time too.
What a nice was to recognize a special woman. If we think enough, we could all probably remember someone who went out of their way to help us or others and was unnoticed because they did it out of love and obedience to the Lord and not for notoriety. This kind of "gossip" we need.
I can't say that I understood all of this poem, but I am very intrigued by the way you described "Love you too," being said not to hurt or feel the sentiment of it. Too often we do speak words out of habit without meaning them. I am glad you recognize that the person saying it that way did not intend to be cruel or hurtful ,but was rather just insensitive and obviously taking the relationship for granted
I got a nice picture of you making angels in the snow. I usually have a problem understanding haiku poems, but this was very clear. I hope you got a good score for the is contest, or will if it is still going on.
This was beautiful! We forget that as we live our lives, especially when our plans are disrupted as mine were yesterday. I get frustrated and have a hard time reminding myself that all things happen for reasons only God knows, but He knows what is best for me, which I can't see. The more I grow to be able to accept that and not let little disappointments dampen my mood, the brighter the colors of my painting become. Spiritual growth comes as we learn to stop letting our bodies control our minds, souls and spirit.
This was very good. You described retirement well and I like the way you used the rainbow colors in your stanzas. I didn't read all of the entries but I know you did deserve the win.
This was beautiful. I too have had conversations with God, but only hear Him when my life has been in a real crisis. On a day to day basis He does not answer questions I may ask because He knows I already have the answer and am just not acting on it. He waits for me to accept His plan, never pushing, pulling, rushing, r prodding or using any other pressure. He is there for me when I need Him the most and He trusts me to know that.
It is possible for the answer to all of the questions you ask about clutter to be yes. I would say yes to them all but I don't have the kind of phone that allows for too much clutter, and I don't have a yard. I know my desk, room and floor and mind are. I am not sure about my heart though. Answering the second set of questions is harder and really cause for thought and I know you meant it to be that way. This would be good for a social psychology course I am taking online. Would you allow it to be shared? The course is through courser.com.
As a senior citizen of the Baby Boom generation, I was used to only thinking about myself, especially being raised as an only child. The only elderly people I had experience were those in my family and my parents were not close to their siblings. Now that I am old myself I involve myself with still very active, independent seniors. Our church does have a nursing home ministry home ministry, but I am not a part of it. I belong to a Chicago Senior Clown Troupe though and we do nursing home and assisted living facilities visits and I am seeing some of the people you describe who have little interest left in life. What makes us want to go on living is being able to feel like we matter to someone and are important. I love to hear of the lives people have lived and I believe simply listening to them can be a big help to people who feel no one cares anymore. We should encourage those who are still able minded to write or record their stories future generations, and their religious experience, or lack of one, is certainly an important part of what made them who they are and brought them where they are. This is a time when people know they are closer to death than ever before and wondering what will happen next. It is never too late for them to accept Christ and they need to be told that and shown His love.
You did what most of us do when we first write something. You overwrote. Your introduction was too lengthy and I almost stopped reading it before the interesting part came in and you use too many words in general. You can show what is going on without all of the explanation, but I did like the story. The ending was a surprise, although I did suspect it when he could not reach Cathy on the phone. Tighten it up and it will be better. When you have him thinking he was going mad at the beginning of the story you really told us what it was about, but it did not register until later when he started the hallucinations. I'd say he had more than a case of writers block finally breaking but many of our greatest writers had mental problems that were not diagnosed.
This was very well written. The nature descriptions were lovely and I was able to imagine myself there. I feel like it is a personal experience you are writing about, but I see that it is a short story, so it is fiction. But, I am sure it had some basis in reality, as all of our writing does. I know a lot of women who are divorced would be able to identify with your character's anger. I've never had that experience, but as you described her marriage, I know that I would feel angry too if my husband left me after doing so much for him.. You prepared us for the Indian when she saw the images on the rock, but I had been expecting her to have an encounter with an actual bear cub and was wondering how you would get a spiritual message in that. I was still interested enough to keep reading it though even when I realized that it was not to be a bear..
Some of your end rhymes were not 100% and, in my understanding of the Bible, we do not become angels, but I like your message of heavenly bliss where we will all love one another. I can hardly wait to get there and I smiled as I read your poem.
I see why you received an honorable mention for this poem. It was very well done, with nice imagery. I particularly like your chocolate waters when the rain washed dirt into them. The description of the general on his horse looking over his troops sets him apart, as if he was the focus of a picture Maybe if you had gone a bit further and described causalities and.injured soldiers you would have gotten the first place prize.
I like your opening line especially and the whole first section was the best part of the poem. I found the rest of it hard to follow even though I know you were saying Christ sacrificed Himself for us so we can live Resurrected Life. The references to symphonies and serenading to me did not fit well with the more visual rest of the poem, but of course that is only my impression. He does give us a reason to sing, I'll grant you that.
I like your character Jill and you have a good story idea, but you are doing far too much telling. I have taken courses on writing short stories and writing for children and the one thing that all emphasis is "Show, don't tell." Remember the old saying "Actions speak louder than words." That is how we need to write. It is not easy. It takes a lot of practice and that is why revision is important. Another thing that I learned is that the beginning of the story should be an action scene where there is some crisis the character is facing. The how the person got there gets woven in through flashbacks, memories, dialogue with other characters about the past, etc. For this, I would suggest you either "show" the first encounter Jill had with Adam or where she is transforming herself. As you show the scene with description and dialogue (very important) if would be natural for her to think of how handsome Adam's sparkling blue eyes were if you use the first idea, or if you begin with her transformation scene, she could be getting her hair done in a salon and thinking about how Adam will like her better looking the way she does now than the way she looked before and then describe how she used to look. In your last paragraph, don't change point of view. Jill can't get into Adam's head to know he thinks she is the perfect girl for him. How did Jill know she had impressed Adam? Give us dialogue showing her knowledge of his interests and activities and show his reaction. I am curious to know what Stage Two will be.
This was a beautiful poem which should comfort many who lost loved ones to wars. I especially like the lines "we are not earthbound, but soaring skyward. We were soldiers, much too young to die." I remember being a teenager and thinking the soldiers and sailors were men, but now they look so young and it is a real loss when they die at such young ages. I also like the last lines "Into the light we have bravely traveled, we are no longer here - but home at last" It is a nice reminder that this earth is not our real home but a temporary arrangement while our new homes are under construction..
I thought this was a very clever description of Santa Claus. I knew it was about him from the title but your description of him confirmed it without using his name. I like the idea of him having to fatten up by Christmas because he has gotten thin, as many of us do as we age. One of my favorite couplets was "The world is waiting eagerly for laughs from deep within ." I also like the part about throwing away the razor.
}I see you did not give information about yourself in a bio and I would like to know more about you. The way you write, I would say that English may not be your native language and you may be young because you have many mistakes,.but I do like your story. I hope you will read a lot of novels and books about English grammar and writing and keep practicing. You will improve as you do that. If you tell us something about yourself, your age, where you live, if you are a student and how you got interested in writing, it will help those of us who read your work to get a better idea of how to encourage you
I appreciated your comments on my poem. Thank you. Of course I had to read yours when you told me about it and here is my review of your Autumn.
I like your poem very much. You described more things than I did and I could see, hear and feel them in my mind. i would not call the sound of a cicada a screech, but it is surely loud. I forgot about them, the crickets and lightning bugs. I certainly did enjoy the latter, as a child, when there were more of them. I don't plow the leaves with my feet, I walk on them and listen to them crunch. I can identify with the allergies blooming like spring flowers too. At this time of year, after I get out of bed in the morning, I go through a sneezing fit for a few minutes.
P.S. Here are some of the butterflies you mentioned,
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