What I love about people learning to write good stories is how they begin with the mechanics and eventually work their way up to believable characters and engaging plots. The mechanics of this piece are solid and well executed. The only flaws I saw was a tendency to repeat words. For instance, the second paragraph runs:
“The eyes of Mother Nature were definitely closed to the plight of her unfortunate daughters. And Amrita often felt as if She was also turning a blind eye to the injustices of others too. Perhaps, like other women, Mother Nature too was helpless“
The repeated words, “eyes and eye, too, Mother Nature, and “to the” fit the story line but make the paragraph flat. Notice the differences in the following.
Mother Natures eyes were closed. Blind to the plight of her unfortunate daughters and possibly to the injustices of others as well. Would She would remain sightless? Was She just as helpless as all women? Amrita could only hope such was not the case.
Now remember, the second paragraph is how I would have written it. It’s my voice speaking your story. Therefore it will naturally strike you as, well, different, and even, perhaps, as not as good. Which is okay. I’m not trying to write a better paragraph but instead to illustrate how I believe your writing can be improved. Notice ther are about the same number of words but that the sentence types and structures are used to avoid repetition. I used simple statements, complex declarative sentences and even questions to give a more rounded feel to the interior monologue of your character. Hopefully you can see what I’m driving at and rewrite your story in your voice.
That is the mechanics. But as I stated at the beginning most writers, I think, begin with the mechanics and eventually learn to develop characters. And as somebody once said, good characters bring out good plots. So to your characters we turn.
The main characters in this story are Amrita and Deepika, with Amrita being the focus of the story. The plot turns around the injustices foisted upon these two women by the cultural system under which they live. The inner turmoil of Amrita is apparent as we get to experience her inner thoughts and observe her actions. The opening, while nicely drawn, gives us a sense that Amrita is a peaceful woman. You end the first paragraph with:
“The rising sun- round, small, bright- looked just like the bindi on the forehead of a woman. The huge mountains on either side could, as well, be two closed eyes. Everyone heard of Mother Nature but here, Amrita saw her: silent, still and draped in the dark veil of the night.”
and in doing so bring a calm, peaceful, tone to the piece. Unfortunately calm and peaceful is not what is occurring in the main characters inner soul. The second paragraph almost paints a picture of Mother Nature’s impotence and betrayal, an impotence and betrayal to which one would think Amrita would respond with at least a little anger. But if she does it doesn’t show it. Which is, I believe, the first major fault of the story.
You see, while you consistently tell me of Amirita’s inner struggle what does she do when she is angry, upset, or otherwise disturbed. You consistently tell us that she is calm, but being in control is not the same as being calm. A more believable Amirita may have done the same things but she wouldn’t have looked the same. Suppose she was cooking when Harish comes home and is demanding. It doesn’t matter what he is demanding, it just has to be another example of the man demanding from the woman without regard to the woman’s feelings. Would Amirita place the pot on the stove gently? Would she open the cupboards slowly? Would she even walk softly? When you want Amirita to be angry, upset or discouraged, give us a picture of her body language and how it reflects her inner turmoil. In the first paragraph you say she “lowered the bundle of grass from her head to the ground and sat down.” Did she lower the bundle forcefully – throwing it in frustration? How about gently as if she was worshipping? “Lowered” does not give us a clue to her disposition. Then followed by “sat” it makes me wonder about what she is feeling about being there. Did she slide to the ground? Throw herself down? Arrange herself formally? You tell me what she felt but you miss the opportunity to show me. That is the true art of characterization. Show, don’t tell whenever possible.
Finally, because you are probably wondering about my sanity, I must address the other great need of every story – the plot. Aristotle once said that the poorest type of story has a god unrepentantly coming to the rescue of the hero. Yes, a god can do that, but the only time it is artistic is if the god has been a part of the story from the beginning. In your story the rescue is plausible but also pretty much comes out of the blue in response to only the smallest of actions by the heroine. Like some god from on high swooping down to pull the hero out of certain death Amirita and her daughters are swooped up from their unjust existence without the reader being at all familiar (except as described) with the character of that “god.” I believe this to be the major flaw of this story. Partly it stems, I think, from the lack of development in the main character, and partly because the story may be too short to really do it justice. We live our lives episodically and it may be that this story is about six thousand words too short to develop the main character and a solid plot line. I could see Amirita or her daughter engaging in a series of small ‘rebellions’ growing in size until they arrange – via perhaps writing the letter, making the arrangements, securing travel expenses, finding the money for the train, and all that would be needed socially and culturally to make the break. Each episode is a struggle to rise and conquer the injustices of their culture. In providing this type a framework you would be able to show the reader the development of the character as they grew into their freedom.
To summarize my thoughts I must say that you have selected a great theme, set it in a believable setting, written if not well then at least with real promise, and given a glimpse to your readers of the writer you can become. I only suggest you think about expanding this story to show us the development of the two main characters as human beings and as women.
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