I am just a beginner myself when it comes to writing, but I have much experience reading, especially fictional works, and I hope my opinion can be of some help, use, etc. Your story amazes and intrigues me and it left me wanting to read more and eager to figure what was disturbing the land.
I love your vivid descriptions- you are able to paint a picture and impart your character's emotions on the reader which is important for keeping a reader engaged. It is wonderfully written. Your transition from the happy serenity of the hill to the morose battle below and the fear she feel afterward is smooth and striking. From "Smiling at herself, she sat slowly and leaned her back against the tree. Running her hands through grass dappled by sunshine and shade, she watched as small golden leaves fell lazily to the ground from the tree top above. Finches and Orioles flittered through the branches, thrilling her heart with their sweet song" to "In fact, this listlessness seemed very unnatural. Fear grew in her as she struggled for coherent thought. Moving to the side, straining as if she were held by unseen bonds, Rena rolled to her hands and knees. Reaching out to brace herself against the tree, she forced herself to stand. Leaning on the tree and breathing heavily, Rena fought to clear her mind. “What, by Hentha’s Breath, is going on?” she gasped raggedly" the switch in mood and tone grabbed my interest and piqued my curiosity about what could cause this sudden transformation in Rena.
I also enjoy how, through your setting descriptions, names, and events, you establish the story in the fictional genre without flat-out stating, "there is magic in this story" or "this is a magical land". Your writing is light and eloquent and very enjoyable.
There were only two grammar errors I noticed:
Are you possibly missing a word between green and saw in "wide sward of short, green saw grass at"
And I believe it should be piqued rather than peaked in "her senses peaked".
Have a wonderful day and good luck with the contest!
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