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Rated: E | (5.0)
DB,

What a wonderfully sensory piece. I am struck by something I noticed as I read this: with a couple of lights, a house in the snowstorm is a cheerful, cozy place; but less those lights, the house suddenly seems derelict, further, haunted. The snow somehow enhances that contrast, I think...

Anyway, the crunch of the tires somehow was the perfect ending for me. I guess because winter is a solitary time, spent largely inside oneself. When the footsteps or tires come crunching up the drive, the peace or melancholy of the moment is over.

All of which is to say that I was able to immerse myself in your poem, which I think is a sign of a great piece of writing.

--Jeffrey

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Acrostic poetry is an interesting form, constraining the writer to break lines in unexpected ways. In this case, the intent is beautifully articulated. When faith is exuberant and enthusiastic, it makes agnostics like me question our questioning.

I will make one observation, by way of constructive criticism. Each line here seems to be an attribute--an object or state of being. I would suggest adding action, movement,extending ideas and concepts across lines. This might allow the reader to "go" with the writer rather than to just "see" with the writer.

Overall, a very nice piece.

--Jeffrey

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Review of The Twit  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Dave,

First, my reviews are never intended to be a personal attack or a personal advocacy. They are just the way a piece of writing struck me, some things I noticed (good and bad) and a quick summary of my sometimes-meandering thoughts at the end. Now--on with the show.

This is a short piece, to be sure. Without any context of who "he" is, the reader is allowed very wide interpretation. But is this a good thing? Is this what you intended?

The opening and closing of the circle with "I don't know if I can get over it" and "I'm sure I will get over it" gives good symmetry to the poem, no matter who it is about. Good job there. Your syllabic consistency in each stanza is well-executed as well, although it may not actually support intuitive rhythm--that is, the way people read as they would speak. Without a recognized formal structure, like iambic pentameter, in which the reader knows the cadence might be stilted or constrained, non-intuitive rhythm can trip up the reader, especially with short lines. A great example of intuitive rhythm is rap lyrics.

One last crit: you probably meant "wacky," not "whacky."

Certainly not a disappointing read, a little more context would have been a bit more satisfying--but good writing nonetheless.

(Remember--this is just MY opinion, and I ain't nobody's Faulkner, sho'!)

--Jeffrey

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Tim,

"Though you haven’t earned it yet,
They’re looking now to tax it!"

Perfect! And that's the case, no matter WHO sits in the big chair.

I like the abcbdbeb rhyme scheme. The topic itself is pretty common, but you've done a good job pointing out that not everything that's wrong is one person's fault. We have a figure to burn in effigy, surely... but with "everybody refusing blame," we might have to set ourselves on fire, as well. "Vengeful illegalities" was a particularly thought-provoking phrase. And if we're going to write political pieces--especially poetry--we should try to provoke some thinking...I would think.

I like this piece. It could have run way longer, but you did a good job exercising brevity. A topical piece touching on dissatisfaction and unfairness without dipping its feet into the river of hate-speech, this was a good political poem, in my opinion. Well done.

--Jeffrey

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Suzie,

Having gone back to read the first installment of this tale, it made a bit more sense to me. Could there be a "Chapter Two" or some other header to let the reader know it's part of a series?

I like the simple characters and their portrayal of Nature's strength. A few simple characters and one basic concept appeal to children and keep them engaged. Nicely done. As an adult reader, I think I would like a little more explanation of the Forest's magic. Why is the honey a magical glue? How does Noah's twitching whiskers scare the termites away completely? Obviously, though, a lot of this is simply a "given" for children, which is the actual target audience.

Your mechanics are impeccable. Punctuation, tense agreement, capitalization, and paragraph separation are all very well done, which I greatly appreciate. That makes the actual act of reading it so much more accessible, so that the reader can focus on enjoying the story and not unpacking tangled prose. Also, the short sentences keep it accessible for the younger audience.

The story has a beginning, middle, and end, insomuch as it is one part of a larger story. That's another satisfying point as a reader.

Overall, this is a good installment to a children's story. Bravo to you for writing to an audience whose innocence and general simple happiness is often hard for adults to intuit and recapture.

--Jeffrey

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Rated: E | (1.0)
Well now...

Heads-up: I review in a very stream-of-consciousness way. Imagine us sitting in a room and me telling you what I thought. There's no real framework; sorry. Please note that this review is in no way a personal attack or personal advocation. It's just my opinion.

First, let me touch on mechanics. I'm not an Oxford professor, but English mechanics is big for me. There's a lot of punctuation issues, which lead to sentence structure issues. An example right out of the gate is:
         "He had finally succeeded, after weeks of courtship, he would take her to bed!"
The first comma should be a semicolon, separating closely related declarative sentences without a conjunction.
         "He had finally succeeded; after weeks of courtship, he would take her to bed!"
There's a lot of capitalization issues, too, particularly at the beginnings of sentences.

Okay, enough of the technical stuff--time for opinions. Did I like it? Well...I guess I didn't, really. I didn't expect it at all, but that's not why. There were some loose ends and incomplete concepts I'll talk about later that left me unfulfilled (not like Aurora! Ha!).

The concept is as much horror as it is erotica, perhaps more so. There's also a lot of psychological elements that would lend the story to that genre, as well. The concept seems off-the-wall at first, but it really boils down to submission and dominance and a woman finally finding a way to flip the roles. Perhaps it also speaks to the danger of power-corruption, with the woman becoming so powerful that her dominance becomes sadistic. Not a bad exploration, in that way.

Her growth is not explained enough, though. It is hinted that she grows into a giant, but the process is not described enough. Does she become MORE sadistic and horny as she grows? Does the drug increase all aspects of her drive, psyche, and libido? Was she angry at men to begin with, triggering her sadism? (Actually, this is hinted at in the beginning in the affirmative; it's my opinion it could have been emphasize more.) These details would have made it a bit more interesting for me, as I could have invested in Aurora's character more.

This sentence in the second-to-last paragraph confused me:
         "She only felt his long fingers with well-manicured nails going in and out of her pussy."
How could she feel one hand when her vagina was roughly the size of a mobile home? And who was "he?" At first, I thought we were going to learn that she was still normal, and the sadistic power rampage had been a fantasy brought on by the drug, making her a monster in bed...but still a normal human being. When it didn't go that way, I was just confused by that sentence.

Her Godzilla-like rampage was depicted graphically, which was the intent, so that's good. Also, the psychosexual deviance and sadistic depravity were enunciated well when she drowned an entire building in her urine. One is left wondering, though: why? What did she have against those particular people? Or did the drug just turn her anger and sadism into a general hatred of all humanity for some reason?

After she falls into a deep sleep, the reader is again left with the question, "What now?" Does she meet the fate of Gulliver? Does she wake up and wipe out the world? Does she shrink back down to her original size as the drug wears off? Perhaps there was a way to lead out and leave the reader with a more defined sense of the future, or a sense of what the future COULD hold for Aurora.

This is a psychologically interesting concept, I guess, but there were issues that prevented me from really digging it. Sorry for the negative thoughts, my friend, but I hope you find one or two words helpful in some way.

--Jeffrey


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Review of Addict  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
DW,

This his very close to home. I deal with depression, see, and usually the meds do the trick. But there are times I crave the old insulating feeling, the suffocating numbness. There's times I want to go back to that dark place, because it's what I knew for so long, what I understand...

That's what I take from this poem. There is a certain fatalistic serenity in despair, and it is like a drug. And you captured the so excellently here.

I will offer one dissenting opinion, though: it ran a little long. (Like I said, just an opinion.) Had it ended after "You'll need it for tomorrow," the meaning and intent would have hit the reader the same, perhaps even with more impact for it's brevity.

Aside from that, this was a great piece, hitting a nerve with many of us, I reckon, reminding us that sometimes we are simply addicts of our own self-destruction.

--Jeffrey
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Claire,

This is interesting. Like another author I just read, Butturbug, your writing style stands out from the latest trends, drawing me in.

Now, I have to say up front that the main crit here is punctuation. Good guides to write by: complete your thoughts with periods; complete your ideas with paragraph breaks; complete your scenes with sections/chapters.

That having been said, WITHOUT the punctuation, your writing style reminds me of Hunter Selby Jr's writing in Last Exit to Brooklyn. It's almost avantgarde; it seems to eschew the rules of writing rather than break them. The omission of the punctuation is so wrong it almost feels right!

The scene itself has a wonderful stuttery feel to it, like disconnected observations are being reported together. It's how the world looks and feels to me when I have a bad fever or a deep depression. That's a sensation that is hard to capture in words, but you've done it here. It's uncomfortable, in a way--again, I think that's because it simply ignores "the rules of writing"--but not off-putting. It's like a crooked picture I want to straighten, or a misspelled word I want to figure out. It makes me want to get to know the character more, to see what is beneath that bemused surface.

So, I can't say the mechanics are great, but I want to read more, at the writing itself must be pretty good!

--Jeffrey
WDC SuperPower Reviewer
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I'M certainly glad you joined. Your entries have reawakened a project I started years ago that is based on a series of journal entries.

As I've noted, your writing intrigues me, and I look forward to future installments.

That's it.

--Jeffrey
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Review of My Second Entry  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
There is something fascinating here. Sometimes my reviews are a little all over the place; I tend to review like I'm in the room talking with you. Sorry if that's off-putting.

So, first thing--really the only thing. The first sentence of this could be edited out. It breaks that fourth wall by mentioning interactivity with the reader's world.

The everydayness of this, and Part III, imply foreshadowing to me, although I can't say why. There's a randomness that is relatable, but subtly spooky and intensely interesting.

I'm not sure if these are actual journal entries or not; but I feel like they could turn into something incredible.

Great job!

--Jeffrey
WDC SuperPower Reviewer
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Review of My Third Entry  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is very intriguing to me. Essentially a story in media res, it is nonetheless instantly accessible. The language is not stilted, so it doesn't seem forced. And it's 100% banal, which is somehow very comforting.

I'm not sure what the context of this is in your wider portfolio, but I'm going to go check it out.

My only criticism would be that paragraph breaks are missing, and they would help.

Nice work!

--Jeffrey
WDC SuperPower Reviewer
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Review of My Gardens  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Jacky,

I adore the first sentence. It's so doggone real! EVERYbody has felt that way, and it immediately involves and invites the reader. The frustration as the narrative moves on also brings the reader with it.

The inspiration of the dragonfly is a nice turn...but I was left wondering why it had such significance. Is there room here to provide a sentence or two of background on this? When the dragonfly leaves, the inspiration is immediately gone--I feel this way so much, lately. Again, I was able to immediately identify with this feeling and really participate in the story.

I had trouble with the final line, though. It took a few reads for me to really intuit the meaning, for one thing. It seems throw-away, but I realize it's not. It sums up the satisfaction of using avoidance as a coping mechanism. But it seemed out-of-tune to me, like it didn't quite fit either the frustrated or the inspired mood of the rest of the prose.

On a technical note, just watch your commas and run-ons.

Overall, I really enjoyed this, and I'm glad I got to sit with you for a little while and dread some gardening.

--Jeffrey.

(Please note that my reviews are maybe a bit less structured than other reviews. Also, any notes or comments are intended to be constructive, and are not intended to belittle you or your writing in any way.)

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Rated: E | (1.5)
Maria,

I feel like this might be incomplete; or maybe it is the introduction to a longer series of works. In any case, I'll offer some comments on what you have here.

First, the obvious: it's fine as an introduction, but it is not yet a whole story, lacking character development or arc.

Of more import, though, is the mechanics. You've got some stray commas here and there (a very common mistake), such as "the chickadees, were playing." But more problematic is that most of these sentences are run-on sentences. For instance:

"It was time for her to take a vacation, at that thought her cell phone trilled, she picked it up on the second ring."

needs some stopping points. An example of more correct structure would be:

"It was time for her to take a vacation! At that thought her cell phone trilled, and she picked it up on the second ring."

It will be interesting to see what these two young ladies do to find love during this time of regrowth and renewal!

(Please understand that my notes are for constructive purposes only. They are not meant to belittle or denigrate your work or skill in any way.)

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Review of Nurse not there  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (1.5)
This is a very touching memory. I have no disbelief whatsoever that it truly happened.

There are serious problems with the mechanics here, though. I'm going to guess English is not your native language (if I'm wrong, please forgive me!) because your noun plurality and verb tenses are very mismatched. There's other grammatical and structural issues--misplaced paragraph breaks, random use of quotation marks, etc. (These issues are the reason for the low rating, not the meaning of the story itself.)

A truly magical moment where help from Higher up gets us through a difficult moment always makes for a good read. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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Rated: E | (2.5)
Sharky,

A view from the eyes of a character is always enjoyable, allowing the reader to immerse himself in the environment and the thoughts of the teller of the story. Through this style, your story rings through: we work ourselves weary at sea; we miss our home; we love the homecoming; we dread the harbor work; we love the drink and loved ones at home; we work ourselves weary at home; and then we head out to do it all again. Good job telling the story.

I have to point that there are a lot of mechanical errors, however. You have some spelling mistakes here and there, and maybe some homophonic confusion. But of more import are the punctuation errors. For instance, there is no space in front of a comma or period (full stop), only after. Also, there are a lot of sentence fragments and run-on sentences. Literary style can license you for a lot of these, but not all.

On the whole, I think you have a good first draft here, and I would be very interested in reading the final copy, should you choose to make edits.

--Jeffrey
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Review of The Yellow Bird  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
TJ,

This is a nice little tanka. As we know, Japanese poetry depends on a "turn" within the poem, where two elements are juxtaposed or seemingly unrelated topics brought into connection. Here, we see a yellow bird of warmer weather; then we are shown the ground blanketed in cold snow. These conflicting images are brought into harmony as we are reminded of the change of season, with all its unspoken uncertainty and false starts.

I find oriental poetry quite beautiful--saying a lot in just a few syllables takes incredible discipline and creativity. I think you have tackled the task quite well, and I have enjoyed reading it.

...although, I wouldn't mind if spring would HURRY UP and arrive!

--Jeffrey
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Review of Monster  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood... And when they came back together, there was hell to pay!"

The idea of the protagonist working at cross-purposes to his own values in this story is interesting. The reader has to ponder how often he sells his OWN scruples, and for what price. Writing that makes someone think is good writing indeed.

I found this to be a good draft. It has the feel of a work in progress, like there are details still in the writer's mind that just haven't been written down yet, dialog that wants to be smoothed out,etc. Regarding punctuation and other mechanics, I didn't see any glaring issues, though.

I like the idea here, but--and remember, I'm just one guy who ain't exactly topping the Hottest Writers of the Year list, myself--it seems like a framework, literary scaffolding for a much richer architecture the world will likely see in the near future.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Well this is interesting. This story has a lot to do with fate... And I just now completely randomly read your poem Bathtub Dilemma. Fate indeed.

I am fated to read the next installment of THIS story, though. The description of the premonition was very identifiable, and the suspense of the invading Voice touched the reader's fears strongly.

However, descriptions of the physical surroundings are a bit lacking. Personally, I would love to have been able to immerse myself more completely by visualizing the story.

I'm invested, though. I've got my eye out for the next installment, so that means it was written pretty good so far, right?
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I appreciate the difficult subject matter you've tackled here. Losing a loved one is hard; guiding them forward on the path that leaves you behind is perhaps the noblest thing a person can do.

There are a lot of mechanical issues you could address here, though, the most important of which might be using paragraph breaks. The human eye gets weary if it can't take a break every few lines; and when the eye gets weary, it takes the mind with it, so we have to be careful in our textual formatting not to exhaust our readers. You have a lot of opportunities to improve (and often simply add) punctuation, too.

Great topic; very nice vignette. I encourage you to have a crack at some of the technical parts of the writing. Nevertheless, I enjoyed your work.
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Review of Prayer  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This being a very personal and specific piece, I'll address the mechanics only. I'm rather a fan of acrostics, and you've performed this one smoothly. (An acrostic IS kind of like a printed word dance, don't you think?)

I have just a couple of observations:
1) There should not be a period at the end of the second line. Your enjambment carries the sentence through to the next line cleanly.
2) "Awakens" should be "awaken." The verb needs to match the plurality of the subject, which is "voices."
3) This one is just an opinion. You may want to change "your" to "our" in the second to last line; or vice-versa in the last line itself.

A simple, accessible, honest piece, this is comfortable to read, even if one is of different faith. Nicely done.
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Review of Download This!  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
See, this is what I often emphasize. The UNsaid is often louder than what is screamed. What is IMPLIED is more tantalizing than what is specified. You demonstrated that brilliantly with this.

I love the relatable descent into obscenity by our protagonist here. I have a feeling "they" world want me off their planet pretty quick, too.

"That's just plain wrong." That line cracked me up.

It's a short piece, and I really don't have any ideas to make it better. I think you did a great job, and I enjoyed it very much!

--Jeffrey
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Review of Inkless Pen  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love it. This had the loose feeling of a free-write, but with some humorous focus applied to give it structure. Giving the power of the muse to the writing utensil itself is interesting, and insinuating in the beginning that writing your ideas is a sacrifice of blood from your muse has some thought-provoking implications as well.

The last couple of lines in this acrostic are humorously dramatic, and round the whole piece out nicely.

If I were to offer any criticism, I might suggest reviewing the lines for E, D, and M for opportunities to make them a little more concise.

Very enjoyable read, my friend. Well done.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Obsession. Depression. Cyclic self destruction. Defeat.

You capture these feelings with disturbing clarity, making the reader wonder if you are IN love or ADDICTED to this love.

The unconventional "verses" were unexpected, and made me slow down to read them. And so I was able to really dig into that third stanza (my favorite), with it's slightly varied repetition and visceral descriptors. I felt like I was caught in the vortex right alongside you.

Poetry is a work of inner individuality, so I don't exactly think in terms of "good" or "bad." This poem affected me, though, made me pause, made me feel. And therefore, I think it was some pretty darn good writing.

--Jeffrey
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Review of Him  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
"Fear is cancer of the confidence." Pithy, eh? But true, and your writing supports it. Your conversational tone kept me interested, and this is not usually my cup of tea. Good job!

The paragraph at the end about his fans was particularly original and very illustrative. I liked that a lot.

I would suggest that the parenthetical parts might be omitted or brought into the text more deliberately; the facts stated there are important to your premise.

This piece resonated with me, because I have cancer of the confidence myself. Nice job!

Jeffrey
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Having read your exploration of young-adult coming-of-age trial and triumph, I'd like to leave you my thoughts about it. Please understand that these are just my thoughts, and they are by no means authoritative. Also, any comments or suggestions I leave here are intended to be supportive and constructive.

First, I'd like to address the mechanics of this piece, beginning with one word: paragraphs! I almost skipped reading this because the block of text was dense and cumbersome. Not only do paragraphs help organize your thoughts to the reader, but they also provide white space for the reader's eye to physically rest. A legal text book would look much less intimidating if the pages were set up more like a novel than a text book, eh? Within those paragraphs, though, be sure you focus on tense agreement. Most of your story is written in present-tense, but it slips to past tense at times, too. For instance: "I finally kissed her and it feels good." Since the story ends in the present, you might find it easier to couch the rest of it in the past tense. Finally, for this part of my review, I'll leave the note that punctuation and sentence structure could use work. That's a general note; I'm not trying to pick this apart piece by piece.

OK, that's all the "bad news." I thought the character arc was perfect. It is an everyday experience that we learn something about ourselves--and the world around us. Discovering truth is the joy of any journey, and discovering the truth about oneself is simply sublime. In short, this was a story worth writing.

Now...I don't know about you, but I'm not a really responsible writer. Once I write something and get reviews etc, I rarely actually go back and change anything. In this case, though, I think you have an opportunity to build this into something much stronger, even, than what it is now. Particularly advantageous would be expounding on the reasons Savannah has discovered that it IS okay to be gay. With much of the story focused on the fear and anxiety of discovery--by self and by others--the positive message that it is perfectly fine to be gay gets a bit overshadowed.

I hope something I have have noted is helpful and/or encouraging to you; that's the only reason I leave reviews. Thank you for the opportunity to offer my comments and observations.

Best of luck; and Write On!

--Jeffrey Meyer
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