Wow this story had me gripped.
Really great pace, you kept us going right up to the dramatic finish.
I wouldnt have mentioned anything midway through about them not reaching Christmas, this adds an even bigger twist to the story, as is we are already expecting a tragic ending, by omitting it the ending leaves us to our own interpretation an keeps us wondering do they die or not?
Great piece, very enjoyable read
I love a humourous tale, and this sure made me laugh.
I have four cats of my own, everyone of them with theit own individual little characteristics so this piece really appealed to me.
I was fully entertained and really linked with your conversational style and laid back tone.
Thanks for the chuckle, Write on!
You certainly give us a lot to think about in this poem, very thought provoking stuff.
I found the reading a little tedious however, with every line starting the same it felt rather like a chore, it is not until we get through the initial starting and into the actual message of the line that we appreciate its value. I wonder if you actually need all those questions, could we get the same message if the poem were arranged another way perhaps?
Just something else to ponder over in amoungst all those other questions.
Write on!
I was quite shocked that you thought a 3 or 3.5 low. most of the work I review gets a 3 or 3.5, work has to be an exceptional piece that grabbedme from start to finish and had me yelling for more more more!
3 is a good piece, not too many mistakes, I sat up I listened I enjoyed, it had something to offer me.
I wonder how many others get the same disapointment when receiving a 3 or 3.5 for their work.
I enjoyed the fast pace of this piece, it is something you obviously feel a lot about and the heightened animation throughout makes us acknowledge this. I found the piece slightly comedic from the rather wordy and flourished descriptions of a review being read and wondered first that this was very much tongue in cheek.
Overall however you have come to the same conclusion. The stars given are not vital, it is the enjoyment of reading, the pleasure writing gave you and receiving a review is an acknowledgmentof the hard work you put in. Write ON!
What a suprising twist. I had no idea throughout that the characters were merely characters in a play. This really works. The drama kept me reading and the comedic outcome was a real thrill, not only funny but a relief that the onstage sadness was truly just on stage.
Excellent piece, a very enjoyable read.
Wow this gripped me from the very start. I love the descriptions you gave from the raw cliff's edge to the little dwelling, I could fully visualise it in front of me.
In contrast, I felt a little let down by the end of the piece. I wanted to hear the full tale of the crossing, wanted to hear the voices begging him to stay the determined voice of davy telling his family and girlfriend he was going. The hadships faced whilst at sea and the first footsteps made in a new country.
Great beginning I would have really liked to have seen the piece carry on in this tradition. It very much deserved my attention.
We all need a bit of a kick sometimes, I know I've needed quite a few.
I found this letter so full of the human being behind the writing, very unlike your fiction, for the first time I felt I was being shown a snippet of the real person.
Great stuff, this is definately what appeals to me as a reader.
This is a beautiful poem, I love the emotion here.
This was an entry for my
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1208717 by Not Available.
contest, but I felt it did not adhere to the brief. The goal was to write about a secret love and I really didn't get that here. However as a poem in it's own right it rings all the right bells, trully uplifting.
My favourite line here has to be "Your love for me like silver strands" original and stands out, simply lovely.
I'ts always good to see what other writers think about the actual subject of writing and the style/techniques they use, however I feel this could have been even moe useful in a survey form format, much more information could have been got from it, and given further voice to writers to give an account of their experiences and own definition of what is known as the writers voice. This is a broad subject and I imagine that a lot more can be said than what is shown in the poll format.
Great Idea, it would be interesting to see the results when many more have taken the poll. You may like to follow this up with a questionaire to see a more in depth study of peoples reactions to the questions posed here.
I felt a great connection with this piece. The very ebb and flow struck chords in my heart that brought back even the faintest memories of a love lost and thought to be forgotten.
The long flowing lines reflect the tone here wonderfully, reflective, almost daydreamy, this feels like thought process in motion.
As a pointer for you "conor oberst" needs to be capitalised as it is the name of a person.
I would have liked a little explanation either through the poem itself or as an added footnote to let the reader know the background of this piece. It feels a little unfinished. The title lets us know that for some reason the person this poem is written for is an inmate, but no explanation as to inmate where? prison? why is that person there, did you know the person before he/she was imprisoned? knowing a little of this would help us better understand the piece as a whole.
I wonder if you have considered the use of punctuation here. I try and read all my work aloud to get a feel for the natural stops and pauses within the piece.
The depth of your caring for this person is apparent, I would have liked to have seen even more of this with more use of emotion.
With a little polishing this piece could really shine, you already have a great base. Keep writing!
This piece is full to bursting with raw and powerful emotion.
However, the piece is very difficult to read due to the amount of grammatical and spelling errors that flow through it. Firstly the i as in oneself should always be capitalised. You have a few words for example "everymove" are joined when they should be seperated with a space. Addressing these issues would greatly improve the readability of the piece and allow for better enjoyment of the piece as a whole.
The content of your work shows a deep emotion best associated with love, you show an intamacy, sensativity that shines through magically. Work a little on your grammar, spelling and punctuation and this piece will be a polished accomplishment.
I found this an interesting poem, especially after a conversation about wills and what happens when either myself or my husband dies.
How generous to donate your organs to those who need them after you have gone. This will save someone's life some day.
Interesting shape your poem forms, looking at a side view it reminds me of the pattern ona heart monitor. I wonder if that was intentional?
Great to have a plan for the future, some would call it morbid, but I oddly find a comfort in knowing what I want for when the time comes, I wonder if you too feel this way?
This piece blew me away, fresh and terrible all at once.
This poor girl, so innocent and naive. We can only wonder if the poor child knows what is about to happen to her.
You capture the essence of the character, the full intensity of her innocence, her pure lack of understanding on sexual matters and docile acceptance of her fathers shame.
Some beautiful touches, I especially love the description of the dry leaves swirling away. Sensitively approached. Write on!
Interesingly I have never seen any lyrics from you before although I have read a lot of your poetry.
I find here a common theme from your poetry, hunger, strife, war, the dream of waking tomorrow to find peace throughout the world. It is a dream shared across the nations and yet you always find a fresh spin.
As always I concurr with your message here, but as lyrics go I could not find the beat or rhythm, I couldn't fit this to any music score. Maybe this opinion would indeed change if I could perhaps hear the words being sung.
Quite a simple poem that has a deeper afterthought attatched.
This poem is strife with raw emotion but I feel this is partially hidden, Your emotions here feel distant and would have liked to have seen that rawness here that would have brought the poem to a deeper and more personal level.
Some lovely touches here, I especially like the reflection of the rain as tears.
Your rhyme scheme here isn't very consistent, I wonder is this deliberate?
You do need to give this piece a rating in accordance with writing.com's rating system, you can find out more about this by visiting
Beautifully written with a clear pattern and flow.
You have a strong message and this is illustrated and highlighted within your precise verse.
I'm afraid the message didn't hit home to me however, I felt the tone of the poem didn't make me feel like going out and seeing everyone like brothers as you mention in your poem. I feel this would have had a bigger impact if the first half of the poem had a duller tone and not so sing song finishing with the more upbeat and optimistic feel at the end to give it that extra oomf in the message you are trying to convey.
Overall well written, the clear rhyme scheme and organised layout makes for ease of reading.
I found this piece both facinating and oddly amusing. Your opinion is controversial and blunt and yet a breath of fresh air.
Not being one to render to conformality I am always classed the oddball of the family, I'm always the one being lectured on how I should learn to do the right thing, to fit in with the crowd. My answer has always and always will be no thanks.
In fact I will go further and say that I have the opinion that forcing our youths of today into a belief system of "do good, fit in" phylosophy inhibits the creative process which makes us all unique. We are not, afterall, clones.
Great to see a new perspective. It is always nice to find someone else who's a sheep walking the hills alone instead of penned in with the rest of the herd.
Facinating piece. This is not my usual read, indeed I usually have no interest in pieces of this nature, but your grasp of narrative, obvious knowledge of your subject and east in which you execute the piece intriqued me from the start.
I have just a few minor suggestions for you:
"Walking into the room he noticed there was no one else in the room." - two instances of room in the same sentence here.
"He could see the fear of death in well up in Thames’ eyes" - "in" afer "death" not needed here.
Overall I was compelled to read. I was impressed by your knowledge of your subject and again found your narrative beleivable and strong.
A question we all ask ourselves at some point in our lives.
This piece has a very peaceful, serene feel. I'm not sure the tone of a poem entitled the same would come from my hand, I'm sure mine would be far more questioning.
I would have liked to have seen this piece opened up further. I was hoping from the title to have a glimpse into the life of the writer, but found neither the full certainty that you were indeed asking the question "What does it mean to be me?" or indeed answering it. Rather I feel more a sense of pondering.
Lovely description here I especially love the line "I'm breathing the whole big sky" this gives a feel of neverending.
Overall, it is great to see another view oin the age old question, but I would have liked to have seen much more of the writers deeper most feelings here.
I was captured, taken away, and sold! This is such a personal piece and yet i can relate so well, these words felt like my words to my own husband, I can feel the love, the adoration. Beautiful.
You made good use of rhyme here, the gentle rhythm flows gentle throughout reinforcing your message of love.
This is soft and gentle, I felt lulled by the descriptive language used here.
I felt however that this could very well be extended further, the piece given a new depth, even more descriptive and colourful. I would have liked to have seen a more detailed account of the animals, more about the life that filled the pond.
I found no grammatical or punctuation errors here, great job.
Overall a wonderful piece that felt so much lighter than other pieces I have read in your port. A very enjoyable read.
I like the way the story is developing. I am still strangely caught in the plot and mystyfied as to where this is taking me.
I feel thjis part could in fact be at one with the first and melded into one much lengthier chapter so that the two together feel much more whole. You still get the same mystery at the end of the chapter but this one fills in many of the gaps that the first did not. Together they would feel much more complete as a chapter and give many of the needed details that I felt was lacking in the first.
Have a look at some of the suggestions I make here:
"Her face was that of an angel, with a look of pure innocence, that " - deleate the commar after innocence
". No wife. No children. No money. And no soul. " - again as with part 1 there are a lot of sentences that couold use a little revision like this one, again my suggestion is to read aloud to hear the natural pauses and stops within the piece.
"then you might not be surprised to learn that Jake wasn't adverse" -averse
"but what man in the Southwestern United States hadn't? " - South-western
"If you hadn't, you must have been a fudgepacker or a corpse. " - fudge packer
"Getting involved with a strippers was a hard lesson that Jake had learned well. " - a stripper
"The early morning sun in Oklahoma was not kindhearted. " - kind-hearted
"His tongue was shriveled and covered by a layer of something furry. " - shrivelled
"The terrain was the brilliant green of yet unmatured crops. " - immature
""In Oklahoma City?", he had to wonder. " - no commar after the quotation marks
Again I am so far impressed with the piece and am looking forward to the next addition. There is a lot of potential here and I would like to see where this leads.
I found myself deeply immersed in this piece. I must admit it isn't my usual tipple but it had me wanting to read more.
I would have liked to have seen much more of this first part, it feels very much unfinished, a little bare around the bones maybe, and certainly left me wanting to add a great many more details about Jake and the trouble he seems to be in.
Have a look at some of the suggestions I have here for you:
"heat strewn, images of cop cars racing across the sand. " - I would deleate the commar after heat strewn.
"A veritable dust storm coming out of their asses." - I would amalgamate this sentence with the previous so that it reads easier, alone it feels unfinished.
"As it stood, it was Jake, his Ford 'Hemi' two tonpick-up," - two ton pick-up.
"sunbleached," - sun bleached
"his Hemi would always be there waiting (in the driveway). Now even in Blue River. In the middle of the Nevada desert. In 110 degree heat. It was just Jake and his Hemi." seperate each section here with a commar instead of a full stop so that it feels part of the same sentence, this reads rather akward as it is.
"Safeways,"- Safeway's
"""One gas station, one Safeways, one Bank of America, one bar, and one man. All abandoned. f***ing story of my life." " - Again as with the above the sentence is fragmented and doesn't feel right. Try reading the whole piece out loud there you can get a good idea of where the natural pauses and stops are, you will see where speech feels natural and where it feels cumbersome. You will also get a real feel for run on sentences and wether your punctuation is in the correct place. there are many more incidences of this throughout the piece which I will not mention here, however if you woul dlike me to go through each one with you then please let me know and I will be more than happy to help you out here.
"So this is where 18 hours of nonstop " - non-stop
"Might as well cut the losses," - losses;
"He knew that the only thing that could lift his spirits out of defeat and save himself from inevitable arrest was, " - was?
"at their drunk men" - drunken
"Men who have have the balls to do those " - two lots of "have" here.
"blood to to defend his dignity" - same here two lots of "to".
The whole piece could do with a little polishing but it has certainly caught my attention, so much so that I am now looking forward to the next part.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cerianwen
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 8:25pm on Dec 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
