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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ceruleanraven
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32 Public Reviews Given
32 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed reading this poem with its uplifting ending. You chose an interesting format to tell the story, as far as rhyme scheme and phrase length. I think it fits well, though, especially in comparison to a much shorter phrase length. However, the form and stanzas do not parallel the story at all; the story seems to exist disconnected from the poem (for example, sentences carry across the natural division of stanza, which is commonly used to divide ideas).
The imagery of the plight of the fish is plentiful and makes for a complete picture. The story itself is very nice.
Overall, I think this poem is cleverly done and quite enjoyable.
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Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This review takes the form of my thoughts as I read through your story. Please take all criticisms as an expression of my personal opinion. As always, thank you for posting your work.

“the bantering that followed” feels awkward. How about we move ‘shrill’ over to describe the bantering. I’m not sure what kind of song these lyrics go with, but I’m imagining the drunken kind. They were nearing from behind *him.” Or “The voices grew louder behind him” which would indicate that they were physically closing in. The sentence is too vague by itself. What kind of accent is that? At first it seems strongly Scottish, then it deteriorates to plain English. I would love to read more accented dialogue. It wouldn’t hurt to give some description of the two *men’s voices (I assume they are men) or some visual details when they are talking to him. It would liven up the passage.

Capitalize Captain each time they address him for consistency. Since all this happened before the present, I would go back and change the first sentence to “the penetrating song HAD shattered his thoughts…”

Flashback within a flashback! I’m not sure whether that is a good or bad thing. “So it was that Gus’s mind HAD wandered…” I’m sure you mean ‘vanished’ not ‘vanquished’. What’s with the short little blurb about the horse? You can give us those great details during the journey or while he cares for the horse. It seems like he just gets down and leaves the horse by the mailbox. It’s okay to take a paragraph and have Gus doing something physically without a ton of internal reflection.

“As Premier Sentinel…” This information seems like it would fit better in the beginning. I was under the impression that he was a pirate captain or something. What does he hope she understands? The word ‘granted’ is used an unusual number of times. Perhaps you should find another way to say it. That aside, I like the paragraph that begins: “Wae, honey, I’m home.”

“I’m in no mood for games this evening” seems to strict and grumpy, considering he was just smiling at the thought of his stunning wife. How about something like “I’m too tired to play games this evening”.

Everyone knows that a thick black cloud coming from the ground is smoke. It’s not some mystery. You can come out and call it smoke. Or at least finish his thought “that could only mean…fire”. His heart is racing and he is racing. Find another word to use. “crack in the stone wall” Is this his usual method of entering the city? I assume so, since he goes through here to look for his wife, who is not home. Perhaps he should install a gate.

The same smoke as what? Like there are different kinds of smoke, or the same smoke that he had seen from his dining room. Speaking of which, did his dining room have a window? “Yelling in every direction” is a funny phrase, like he stood in one spot and rotated, yelling her name every 15 degrees of the compass, or something. Then he starts walking and immediately finds his wife. That was convenient.

“still and unmoving” is redundant. Can we have some other details? I’d like to see what parts of her condition are horrific, besides being passed out on the street. ‘Horrific’ seems a bit strong, unless she is covered in blood. Yes, ‘Why here?!’ indeed. How did he know she would be in the town? “She tried to speak…” Oh! So she’s awake! You could clarify some of this section by making certain things obviously from Farowae’s perspective.

I would put the part about “spread out…unknown source” when he first saw her. Then I would combine your two sentences to say, “Gus began searching her limp body for broken bones, trauma, or poison, but found no sign.” “This felt much different from the rest” of what? “Baby” as a term of endearment is pretty 20th century. I would pick something more period like ‘angel’ or ‘honeycake’. Instead of “there was nothing”, how about “She couldn’t speak”. Don’t say ‘fought hard’ twice. It’s okay to say ‘fought’ twice, or just take out the second occurrence and let “to express…” act as a modifier. “and more agonizing even than the pain… WAS knowing that…” Add that verb to clarify. I would say, “a greater surge of emotion” since he’s already feeling so much.

Saying her eyes were no longer dimming is unnecessary. “Consumed her body in the greatest embrace” is weird. Look for a word that sounds more like enveloping and less like eating.

Suddenly, the main character is not Gus but the stranger with a crescent moon insignia! I want to read more about him. Now it seems weird that you gave us so much backstory for Gus. Since I can’t tell what direction you will take this story in the future, I can’t really give advice on this last bit.

Overall, the prologue is interesting and fun to read. I hope you don’t give up on this story.

Have a blessed day.
-Cerulean Raven
Knight of Faerie


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Burden  Open in new Window.
Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review takes the form of my thoughts as I read through your story. Please take all criticisms as an expression of my personal opinion. As always, thank you for posting your work. 

It should be "Her mother had called him". "Cap of black curls" produces an odd image. Consider other ways to describe her hair. The implication is that Bran thinks she will sleep in his apartment. If that is not your intention, there needs to be a clarifying comment from him like, "You can find me there later."  "For two minutes" It's plural. She can't mop up spilled tea if you didn't mention that it spilled in the first place. If you are still trying to shorten the piece, I would say you can leave that part out. Just "Thy sank into their chairs. Open the quotations again after "Albert hissed".
 Goodness. I love fantasy so much that I made it to the end with no more criticisms. I enjoyed the world you made that splashes magic into New York. A particularly interesting element is that by the end, the audience has been bamboozled as to which character is good and which is evil. My overall impression is actually of a dark world, despite the exciting element of magic.

 You mentioned that you need to shorten the word count. Unfortunately, my reviews usually speak more of additions rather than subtractions. In your piece I could find no huge unnecessary chunks to shave off. Be proud! It also make shortening your work a hassle. It is possible if you put in the time. In each sentence, consider all of your modifiers. For example, "Her green woolen socks" could become "Her woolen socks". Also, with every sentence, especially lengthy ones, try to think of other ways to say the same thing. For example, I could change the preceding sentence to "Rearrange sentences to shorten them" and knock 13 words off of my word count. I hope this helps. Have a blessed day.

Cerulean

         My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Conquistador  Open in new Window.
Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love the image of the moon as a scythe that can cut things on earth. I know this is flash fiction, but all those details make me hungry to hear the whole story. I would especially like a few more juicy details about " in the ruins – that place accursed - wearing hell and sowing madness." What does 'wearing hell' mean?

As your story comes to a close, the impression is of it being the begining of a story. So, even though this is written as the end of a journey or as the beginning of a love story, it really takes place in the very middle of life. I like that. It gives it a feeling of continuity that adds a dimension of reality.

If you can, tell me more. If you can't, I still think you will do well with this entry.
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Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I quite enjoyed reading someone else giving themselves a good talking-to. You've inspired me, not to make resolutions, as I never bother with them, but to write myself a good letter and get back on track.
Another thing that adds interest to your letter is all the aspects of your life mentioned. In a not-about-to-become-your-stalker way, I feel that I somewhat know you. These details, combined with the personality showing through your writing create a strong character, even though you are a real person. My thoughts on this are confusing, but anyways, good job writing this.

From my witching hour to yours,
Cerulean Raven
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Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a good quiz, though on the last question, I didn't know who to put because I haven't watched/read that much Naruto.
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Review of zombies  Open in new Window.
Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Frankly, this is boring. There are lots of other things that you could ask about zombie, like: Are zombies colorblind? Are zombies racist? Do zombies attack or ignore animals? Do zombies have hair? Do zombies grow back limbs after you cut them off? Can zombies climb? Do zombies feel fear? What color are zombies? What is zombies' weakness?(fire) Is zombieism viral or bacterial or fungal? Like that.
The truly sad thing is that some people will pick the wrong answer, even though the zombies were moaning the answer as they attacked their fortified house. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow. These questions are HARD. (25%=shame >_>) I'm not sure even Patterson knows all the answers. I like most of the series, but the deal with Fang leaving totally confuses me. They are meant to be together, so why does he leave Max? Also, the book at the south pole seemed like filler to the series. I also want them to develop more abilities! Even though I hate them being apart, the part about Fang forming his own gang was cool. Pointless rambling aside, good job on this quiz!
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Review of monster test  Open in new Window.
Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A woman with a fish tail is called a mermaid and a woman with wings is called an angel. Besides the typos, this is a pretty good quiz of general mythology and folklore. The format is amusing.
I got 100%! :D
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Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
"It sucks "
Don't be so hard on yourself before anyone even reads it!
Ugh. Don't make us read bright pink- It burns, It burns!
Put an apostrophe in the contraction *shouldn't*. The phrase "gone in a blink" is cliched, so I would change it to "gone when I blink" or something similar. I was having a little difficulty finding a rythmn to read it because your lines are all of different lengths. It doesn't flow as smoothly as it could. I do think that some periods for division would help the audience's understanding a bit. However, someone once told me that poetry can be anything- one word or a meandering sentece (like yours), as long as you think it expresses what you wanted to express.Your poem starts off sentimental and ends with very deep thought- much deeper than I would have expected. I like it!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Truth  Open in new Window.
Review by Cerulean Raven Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is very, very funny. The rhyming and the irony work perfectly for you to make your point. I like that it tells a story. The only advice I can give: don't call this a mini poem- It's hugely fantastic! I will recommend this to people to read. Really great job!
This has been a grammar nut's two cents. *Bird*
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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