Well, this certainly is an entertaining way to see how much History I remembered from school. As a whole, it is a good narrative with a foreboding sort of feeling as to where the plot is going. I'm envious of your ability to take so many seemingly unrelated characters and slowly bring them together in a way that adds to, rather than detracts from, the overall understanding of story.
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As for what could be improved...
There are one or two spelling errors, particularly towards the beginning (ex: Brittish should not have two 't's).
I'm positive there's a date mistake concerning Joshua. If the man was discovered in 1959 and held under observation for 44 years, then the present date would be 2003, not 2103 like you say.
The story tends towards melodrama in three distinct places.
1: The blasé treatment of the spiritual and supernatural in the Eisenhower part does show that people are serious about it, but when you compare it to the formal and acronym-happy speech used regarding more mundane matters, it doesn't fit with rest, instead reading as too childish. Coming up with some stiff-sounding terminology for these Martians would fix that problem, though.
2: When you reveal that Harold isn't quite human, the characters hardly react to it at all except to ask how (and get an overused theory for an answer), which heavily reminds me of the typical teenage superhero plot. Some denial, shock, and anguish would be nice. Also, having X ask "So you're saying Harold's like, what, Superman?" doesn't feel right; was Steven supposed to say that, perhaps?
& 3: The part at the end where you revealed the Mystics' murderous tendencies started out well enough, what with the Urban Legend overtones, but, again, it quickly descended into a typical teenage plot, this time one of dark fantasy. I think, though, that shortening the Incubus's answer to Miranda's question of 'What are you?' to simply "Good Question" would solve that quickly. The explanation of the Jinn is mostly unnecessary, particularly as I didn't need to know what Harold was that quickly.
Other than those problem spots, though, and maybe a few awkward phrases sprinkled throughout, it's a great read. I'm particularly interested in George Cassie's character and his role in all of this.
Best of Luck
`Bone White |
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