I'm reviewing your work as a contribution to 'I write in August...Sept...'
This brought a smile to my face. I'm married to Julia Roberts...well, that's not true, actually...a woman who thinks she is Julia Roberts! An age old cliche told in six lines.
If I would suggest anything of a change, it would simply be the man's action: said the man nervously (repeated)
I'm reviewing your work as a contribution to 'I write in August...Sept...'
This brought a smile to my face. I'm married to Julia Roberts...well, that's not true, actually...a woman who thinks she is Julia Roberts! An age old cliche told in six lines.
If I would suggest anything of a change, it would simply be the man's action: said the man nervously (repeated)
What a great start to a sentence...where will she go from here, I wonder. Will she jump to her artistic death? Is the 'unknown' a place she has come from or going to? Is it a ledge upon which all uncertainty lies. The precipice is one where every ounce of energy, love, happiness and sorrow exists. Leaving the ledge is a struggle, to turn from everything that seems to have become natural, a way of life, to see that it really isn't. Some ledges have to be walked away from, and not jumped. Thank goodness you had that strength. Beautiful.
Without patronizing you, your writing appears that of a young woman dealing with regret and distant memories of friendship that has since become something else.
You clearly have ability. I would leave out the punctuation in the poem. Memories serve to make us the people we are, good and bad. I'm going to become a fan and watch out for your work as you progress through sad times to better ones.
Keep writing.
Hi guys and dolls (ut oh, is that politically correct?)
My pen name here is Champ, but in this setting I'd like you to refer to me as Kelly (my real name).
I'm delighted to be among you, being that my student years are long past, fifty years past to be exact. Why choose to learn more about grammar when my life is more than half done? It's a bit like asking why arthritis attacks the joints I care most about? I'm a man of little dreams, small victories and easily reachable goals. I know nothing about iPods, hard-drives, gigabytes, poppers or Angelina Jolie. I don't miss boy bands, baggy blue jeans, ice white trainers and sports T-shirts, nor have I been sober in years. I'm seventy, losing my hair, cultivating ways to extend my belly, and need spectacles to read. My hobbies are playing air guitar—Money For Nothing—and butt kissing, which I've perfected since being twelve. So look, here's the deal, maybe I could write a book, become an author. It's pretty much the last thing I can fail at, right?
I live in California six months of the year, Scotland the remainder of the year. I'm married to human perfection. My life, for all its failings, is perfect.
Glad to be here, glad to be making new acquaintances over the coming weeks.
Just an excellent, beautifully told story. It looks so simple, but anyone who writes knows the work gone into this piece. I've no advice on how to improve it, I'm not skilled enough, nor talented enough to help you that way, but thank you for the joy of reading.
POV (Point of View) is an important, if not the most important thread in any story. Yes, it can work to change through a plot, as long as the reader doesn't become confused. Many writers choose 'dream sequences' or 'time line' to alter the POV. Your piece is pretty definitive and not at all confusing. If the rest of the story reads the same it will be fine.
Lovely little story. 'Point of View' is that of the cat. Many great stories out there told from the point of view of a dog or other pets. The story is nicely set up and leads the reader to the happy conclusion. The things I would point out as needing some change are quite simple.
Speech marks are intended for actual speech, not the thought process.
“Euthanize? What’s that?” thought Dani. (This thought would be better delivered it italics, not enclosed in speech marks, so as to make the reader understand it is a thought, not part of speech.)
So everywhere the narrator tells a 'thought' italicize it.
Thanks for putting this story up. It is a beautiful story, and set in a beautiful place. (I was born and raised on the Isle of Mull)
Your imagery is stunning, and you take the reader along at a nice pace, leading them to a conclusion that is satisfying. You are a gifted writer indeed.
That said, I would point out things that detracted just a little from my total enjoyment.
Repetition: She had woken alone on a hard bed in what appeared to be a house made of solid rock. Like a frightened animal who'd ventured into a predator's territory, Valerie ran. She ran away from the stone city that surrounded her, but she had to stop before she fell into the pool that closed off the only exit she saw. If Valerie had been a different person, she just might have dove into that dark water and tried her luck at escape from her captors. But, her odds were closer to drowning, so she stumbled to a halt before the very edge that she stood at, now.
I would love to see this passage written again with out the frequent use of the word 'she'.
Also: Valerie dropped gaze to the stone floor at the edge that she'd almost fallen that first time. (Very awkward sentence as written.)
This possibly might be the best story I've read here. I would like to be this good.
This is a stunningly well contrived and produced piece of work. I suppose I was struck by two things, first: the amount of work that goes into finishing something like the 'Lover's Quest' to keep the reader in the rhythm and melody of it, as well involved in the story. Quite the feat. Second: you have managed to write something more than complete in each genre, story-poem. Your understanding of what you want, and how it will be achieved, is simply mesmerizing to me. I offer congratulation, and admiration for a well written, well documented, epic!
I've read that prose is words in their 'best' order, but poetry is the 'best' words in the 'best' order.
So happy to have found this and look forward to reading more. Thank you.
I write in appreciation of your poem (which I saw on Writer's Cramp) and stress my disappointment that not more people have yet read this poem. It is a lyrical whim, a tongue in cheek masterpiece in my humble opinion. You have craftily used your syllables to deft effect, adding to the enjoyment and rhythm. I do hope this poem was not crafted in a few minutes, if it was I must surely give up my efforts! Furthermore, you have written to a prompt! Well, sir, you have my congratulations on a very good piece of work. You thoroughly entertained me and left a wry smile between my cheekbones. Bravo!
An interesting and insightful (if somewhat cynical) piece of writing. For my part, I see an author who never had choices, though given many, would have chosen his course in life the way it was in fact lived. My father was a trawlerman, and yes, I regarded him as a sustenance farmer. He went home with the same dignity and poise with which he lived his life. I could argue the cynic in you, but why? You wish to be judged by your writing. You are a man, an author shaped by the earth's design, as my father was shaped by the swells in which he lived. Both, in my opinion, hundred-point-men.
"For I knew that the winters there were harsh and that only a man with a greater constitution than mind(?) could stomach them."
I'm going to spend a couple of days visiting your portfolio, and hope to become better educated about matters that have seldom been visited in my life. Not because I've turned away, but because they haven't been a factor in my life; which doesn't mean I don't know they exist. just not involved with. I have, however, written about such things in a very distant fashion, which is not the your perspective. I was touched by this piece of work because I would like to believe that I would be a good friend to someone who chooses their way in life, rather than adhere to the cliché.
I live and love by this philosophy: It doesn't matter who you love, or why you love, it just matters THAT you love.
I look forward to reading much more in your portfolio.
I hope whatever it is that looks after good souls, looks after you.
What a talent you are. You've clearly set yourself on a road, a style, and have nurtured this writing voice of yours. I came across your chapter when looking into the 'Short Story Contest' and was blown away to read that you are a teenager. Your writing voice is much older. Your hook is brilliant, and the style engrossing. I look forward to reading much more.
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