At first glance....I thought this was about a woman...or possible a lover...and maybe it is and I am misreading it...However I feel it is much deeper than just the words...more of a spiritual plea or even a spiritual growth. However it is to be interpreted I love it! Keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more of your work!
I really like this, This part being my favorite....."Footsteps of death,
Memories too broken, Chaos triumphant.... " It makes me wonder what type of person this was..... the surroundings ect.! Keep up the good work!!
Well I like this....especially since my roots are of Native American.. You create a good image for me in this read and I like to be able to see what I read..
Just my personal opinion, on each of the beat, beat, beat... if you do those in bold and also in Caps... like BEAT, BEAT, BEAT.... it signifies to me a Loud beat.. not just a soft beat of a drum.
Awesome story! I did find a couple of things as far as spelling you may wish to correct:
"Only if your pretending = Only if your'e pretending
feeling is almost too much for her to bare. =bear
It almost makes me wonder if perhaps one of the spirits pushed her down the hill! Great read for this time of year!
Hello Jeshu, Very nice poem and indeed, I have always thought that Grace is a deep inner most humbling experience... I really like this part:
Neither can it be sold or bought.
It cannot be swallowed like a pill,
Or cheaply ease some inner ill.
I think you did a great job, I look forward to reading more in your port
Hello Kattway, oh I hear this often as a nurse that the golden years are not golden and now that I am at my mid life area I can honestly say yep I know this feeling and makes me wonder how life unfolds and if others feel the same way!
Excellent write...I see nothing to change, keep up the great work!
Oh nothing like a good thriller is there! Makes me want to read more...see the outcome.. the drama and how it all plays out and if in fact sucess is at the end .
I see nothing I would make a chnage to... excpet of course to add on and make it longer but love it as it is...
This part just made me read on and wonder:
I called it a thriller, they called it evidence. As it happens, it’s about a lawyer, trust accounts and millions that simply vanish. In my book the lawyer is innocent, but no one believes him. In my life the lawyer was guilty, but no one believes it. They think I did it.
Hi Ara,
I really like this story and I have read it through a couple of times but I am a bit confused of who Michael is.... first I took it hes your brother,,,due to the fact you stated he got your dad's good looks but then later in the story you said he is your cousin.. then I became lost...
also a couple of places you have repeats of words... "as of"
Hi Winddancer...what a beautiful poem.. I can almost as well take in the silence and stillness and hear the creatures as you speak of them and smell pines of the forrest nearby....very good leaves a great image in ones mind! Keep up the great work
Wow, I ike this, though I am not a historian of sorts I can only imagine how Valerie felt when she came across these items! I would personally like to see more of her emotions, you did mentione she as delighted... but did not embark any more on the emotions and feelings...Just my humble opinion is all..
I think it is great! I did not see any thing wrong with the grammer or spelling
See you out in the land of W.com..keep up the good work
Well this is one I can not say I rleat to as Ive never seen a Pastor stay in one church that long BUT I can say I hate it when I have one I like and they are then gone and then we are left to wonder who will then guide the spiritual growth as it can as well be anegataive expereince as positive!
The only thing I see that could perhaps be done in Editings is you did not capatalize Sunday
yep TIME can be friend or foe for sure I really like this lil poem and you sum it up so well!
Long ago I heard a young lady sing a song about having plenty of time but I never did learn the name of the song and your poem made me think of that when she always said " I have plnety of time"
hello jenny~ this is a very nice poem about your mother... I work in a geriatrics area and so often we see when parents begin to fail with age they are often forgotten, left alone or abandoned. I hope your mother realizes how fortunate she is that you care so much!
Good Morning Hotchic, Welcome to W.com! I came across your port by reading the newbie section.
As I read your piece a few things came to mind that would allow an easier read for your audience.
I think the time spent in some editor program like Word Document or Excel would assist you in seeing the areas of missed capital letters, some words that need to be split....(alot) should be [a lot] The little things make a great difference in a good read,. Also making new paragraphs instead of one long story unit. The break allows us to move more freely across the page.
Just some ideas that may make it worth your while!
I love paranormal stories! Keep up the good work. You are off to a good start..just a few fixes and its gonna be great!
Good Morning Soulflower.
Welcome to W.com. I had to smile when I read the title of this piece as I feel like I live in winter here more than any other season due to ice and cold/
I really like how you describe the trees with lacy fingers...it gives me a good image to see what it must be laced with...ice or fog...a beautiful image!
Good Morning Teaser and Welcome to W.com.
I came across your port via the newbie section and your title is one some days I can relate to!
I think you have a good start here so don't give up. Writing is a wonderful creative outlet and we sometimes never know what we are capable of unleasing!
I really can not say that I have a favorite part in this piece simply because to me it all to the next line and I find it all intense which is a good thing *S*.
If I were to encourage change on this Id reccomend you do some spacing between thoughts... it might make for an easier read! Just my opinion.
I am looking forward to reading more in your port.
I actually had to go look up two of these words! I love it when I can come here and read the works of others and learn from them! I am sure most of us feel that at times the world is not what it should...matter of fact..I would about bet that it has been felt for many generations!
I did see a sp. error you may wish to correct:
in oblivious absense.......oblivious absence
Hello JoJo
welcome to W.com. This is a deep write,. I am sure will touch a few in here, I cna not see anything that I would change simply becaise I feel things such as this come direct from each ones heart and none can feel what we feel in the midst of these times.... I hope all turns out for your friend and she begins to heal...
My favorite part was:A sin thats denied as murder
Lord forgive her
The mother's scared
So unprepared
Hello Nightwhisper.
I came across your port via the *Read a newbie section* and first of all may I say...WELCOME to W.com. I am sure you will find this a great place to hang out and make new friends!
I had to smile when I read this piece as I come from a family of truckers and they are certainly a family of their own and their lingo as well..... the only things I saw that you could make a chnage to if you wanted to make for an easier read and edit...
the truck stops.... It did not show in my edit to read s one word.
fact un-debated .... again in my editor it did not show it as one word... although I know what it meant in the reading.
I like it.. it says it how it is in their world!! The ending is my favorite where you say...
It's a "Lifestyle" of "Git-R-Done"...
while in each other, and "God We Trust
Keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more of your writing and again...Welcome!
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