Hello again! I have been reading your new additions and wanted to review for you. I am truly enjoying reading this. I know I’ve said it before, but I like how you’ve presented this in a journal format from one of the survivors. Because it’s a journal, I will not review based on grammar, editing etc. I think journals are above those rules so to speak. I would like to comment on my thoughts, as a reader, as I read this new addition. I hope it will give you insight on how your writing and ideas are coming across. Please keep in mind that although I may have differences in opinions, I completely respect what you’ve done here as a writer. This is your story – not mine. I am only giving my comments out of a sincere hope that what I have to say is helpful. If you don’t agree, or have your own reasons for writing this a certain way --- then cool!
I’m also trying to be more organized with my reviewing. As you may notice, this format is a little different from how I’ve reviewed you in the past. Please let me know if this format is helpful and make any suggestions on how I can improve as a reviewer!
So, without further delay…
>> I find it amazing that it doesn’t bother me that I do not know the exact date other than Day 12. Doesn’t seem as important anymore. I think daylight savings time was soon…so I am wondering if it is already 7 am…this I find disconcerting. I want to know what time it is, but I don’t really care about the date. Have to find a calendar today. I didn’t believe this. I would have found it more believable for her to be estimating time than to lose track of what the date was. I mean – September 11th is forever etched in our memories. These people would not only know the date but, I think at least, be very meticulous about it. She knows it’s been 12 days…she’s counted that…but doesn’t remember what the date was when it happened…to me it wasn’t believable.
>> This makes me wonder if what I write is becoming an issue. Are my opinions suddenly a problem? I’m thinking back to my last entry and I wasn’t particularly thrilled with the way things are going here, but it was an honest accounting of things. One more worry. I liked this. I thought it was very realistic that people would be disturbed at how they are represented in her journal. Especially if they were starting to be underhanded etc. in order to establish control. I’ve already read the rest of your postings for this, and the only little glitch that I see is that these people never come to her after they’ve read her journal and try to convince her of their “rightness”. It seems human nature. Even on Survivor, when you see one person establishing control and others upset about it – you generally see the person in charge going around camp lobbying people about how they are right about the need to have someone in charge and what they’re doing is in the best interest of the group. This part of your story goes from 0-60 in five seconds flat. I see you just lightly touching on the development of a power struggle and then BAM! These people are exiled. Of course, as I stated above, I realize this is written as a journal and as such she may not have time to write during really turbulent times
>> We didn’t get much sleep last night. Steve’s leg is not doing well and he was in a lot of pain. Doc gave him some pain medication, but then I heard him talking to John about wasting meds and it makes me wonder. Steve kept talking all night long and most of it didn’t make any sense. I think we heard most of his presentation tho. Wonder if he would have gotten the job? The comment about hearing his whole presentation – wonderful!!! I love little details like this. Little seemingly inconsequential details that really bring the story to life and propel the story along.
>> News of the past several days. I like how you put in news from outside. This is a nice detail and sets the “weird” tone that an aftermath of this sort would have --- the unreality of it.
>> York, PA—I think we heard the last transmission of a man dying from radiation poisoning. His entire family had died, but he was too sick to bury them, or even get them outside. He put them all in his bedroom so they would be together. His wife and their 4 children, including a baby born 3 days before the End. He couldn’t eat, couldn’t keep anything in his stomach, not even water. His skin was peeling. He bled easily and copiously. His last words were, “We are all dead and dying. There is no more United States. All that we have been is no more. All that we are dying for, all that died for her have died in vain…” and then nothing but static. On the one hand I really liked this part. A dying man putting his dead family all together in one bedroom. That felt real and tragic. The whole “All that we are dying for, all that dies for here have died in vain…” That didn’t FEEL real. To me, that felt more like an insertion of politics by the author. I’m not arguing politics or anything, I just generally look at dialogue especially with the expectation of reality – would someone really say that? They might – after all I’ve never been in that situation. But it felt not true to your story (the whole Canada demanding retribution – that felt true) but a dying man with his dead family in the next room talking about “dying in vain” – no that didn’t feel real. To me anyway.
>> Duncan here. I asked Sammy if I could jot down some thoughts. I am a bit concerned. Censorship seems to raising its ugly head. I know that while they (being John and Doc) seem to regard Sammy’s journal as a waste of time, they are concerned with what she is writing. I need to define for myself if this is important enough to me to speak out. (Although I feel as if I might be, simply by writing these thoughts down and thereby, making them concrete.) I think you’ve hit on something here with Duncan not only writing in the journal but stating, in writing, to himself and obviously to others since he knows other people will be reading this journal – that he feels the censorship issue is important enough to speak out. And that he must feel it’s important enough to speak out about it b/c he’s writing it down.
>> We had a mandatory church service, reigned over by “Father” Matt. Initially, I found the idea comforting and was looking forward to it, even tho I was not happy about being told I had to attend. Still, I wanted to go anyway so I didn’t worry about it. I thought this was interesting, although I was surprised you made it mandatory church service. I think you may have done that to indicate the control that John et. al. are asserting over this group of people, but I think it was unnecessary. In my opinion, and remember this is just an opinion – you are the writer and the ultimate judge of how your story should go, you didn’t need to state this. Power assertions usually work better through peer pressure than through force. Maybe she didn’t want to go but felt she had to not to stick out? Or maybe everyone goes the first time out of a sense of camaraderie and need. But then after Sammy and Duncan realize it’s just political lobbying – they have to struggle with the choice of not going to service and sticking out like sore thumbs. Dunno. I just thought that you’re not giving yourself enough credit at weaving the coming power struggle and were trying to make it too obvious.
>> We had the service in the living room. They had set up an alter using the dining room table, one of Martha’s lace table cloths (she was worried they’d get candle wax dripped on it) and her grandmother’s candle sticks with new candles. They’d moved the couch in front of the ‘altar’ and put other chairs behind it. I sat on the floor in the back, there not being enough. Bobby and Duncan carried Steve upstairs, but he was so out of it, I doubt anything registered to him. John, Doc, Lanie and Cyndy squeezed on the couch…Lilac, Donna, Martha, Brittany, and the kids sat in the chairs. There was room for more and there were chairs in the kitchen, but I didn’t feel comfortable dragging them in for some reason. I liked all of this. I liked how you position the people and how Sammy observes it. I like the detail that she does not feel comfortable dragging in another chair. She doesn’t feel comfortable asserting her own individual authority in this situation – these are the little details that illuminate the power struggle.
>> And that is when I started to listen to the ideas under the words. I caught Duncan’s eye and he nodded slightly. He was getting it too. So, it wasn’t just me. Everyone else seemed to sit spellbound. My skin started to crawl. Great stuff here!
>> My ex-father-in-law used to have a house nearby, further up the road towards Bromley. It used to have a lot of food stored in the basement. Other things too. I am thinking and wondering if it is still there. It isn’t too far away either. I was surprised she put this in her journal knowing that her journal could be taken (and was taken for a time) at any moment. I know it’s information you want the reader to have, but it was surprising to see her write it there knowing her vulnerability.
>> I was carrying a 30-30 but it didn’t have any ammo in it. John said the idea of the gun was more important. I could not have shot anyone anyway. Again this is an interesting detail. Interesting that John does not allow her to carry a gun with ammo. I liked it.
>> We basementites cooked our own food tonight. We had okra, beans and peanut butter. Nourishing I suppose, but I don’t like okra and I hate peanut butter…always have, even as a kid…when everyone else had pb &j’s, I had creamed cheese and jelly. Gosh that would taste good right now. Or a grilled cheese. Heck, a steak. I need to stop this. I’m hungry. I’m cranky. I need a hug. I want to go home. Would like to have known WHY they cooked their own food. Also, I would like to know why they still choose to stay in the basement. Especially since later she’s so happy to sleep in a bed – what was the reason why these people didn’t move upstairs – even to another part of the house?
So, I hope this was helpful. I should have time to review the rest within the next few days.
Take Care,
Eye
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