That is an amazing story!!! I loved it!! Only one thing I would say and that would be to spread it out. Put spaces between the paragraphs and indent just so that it's easier to read. That was the only thing that I thought needed fixing. I really loved this story! I really didn't like Mick, which I think was the point. That worked. Anyway, good job and write on!!
Wow! That's a really good story! I'm not quite sure about one phrase in your ending. What was the 'bullet'? Was it actually a bullet? Some people use the word for other things, too, so I wanted to ask. I saw a few mistakes in here, so I shall point them out.
'and turned it's head'- should be 'its' [9th paragraph after the dialogue]
'to this corporation?'- I don't believe this should be in the form of a question. It just reads odd. [10th paragraph]
'what your talking'- should be "you're" [11th paragraph]
'took this times'- it should only be 'time'.... Simple mistake [12th paragraph]
So, mostly, your mistakes were in the same general area. Should make them easy to find. :-0 Good job with this story, though! I breally liked it! Write on!!!!
Wow! That is awesome! I saw one little mistake.
'into bowl'- into 'his' bowl, maybe? Or 'the' bowl? [Second paragraph]
And one little question. What's an 'anorak'? It is a jacket of some sort? It's probably obvious to you, but I don't know that word.
Overall, that was a very good story!! I really liked it. Good job!!
Aww. That was a very good story! It was slightly obvious what he was gonna do, but that might be just me. Anyway, I have one question. You used a lot of jargon in this- which can easily confuse people- but only one tripped me up. What is 'coaming'?? Is it like the floor? That was the only part I had to reread to maybe get it in context. And, I like the fact that his last name is "Waters" and he loves to boat. It just seems so perfect. Overall, very good job! Keep it up!!
That's very good. I always have trouble with the beginnings of my stories. I have one question, though. Why is this rated 18+?? That might explain why this hasn't been rated before. I saw no reason for it to be anything over 13+ [and that's only for the quotes.] Anyways, all in all, a very good article/type thing!
Aww. I actually feel sorry for Timmy. He's the only one left in his whole family now. Anyway- This is a very good story. I looked, I really did, but I didn't see any spelling mistakes or typos. I even read it over. Good job with this. I always seem to have some mistakes in mine, but I couldn't find any here. Very nice!
Haha! That's awesome. One thing you might wanna fix.
"On the white toe area, he saw what looked like,"- that's a fragment, even if you change the comma to a period. Maybe change it to somehting like... "As he looked at the white toe area, a question rose and he couldn't help but ask." I really liked the ending because it sounds like something anybody would say. All in all, very good story! I liked it. Good job!
Well, that's interesting. Definitely new. Only a couple of mistakes. Overall, a good story. A bit sad at the end, but it works. Here are the little miatkes I noticed.
"shut off it’s siren"- should be 'its', no apostrophe
"see you’re tithe"-[10th paragraph] This should be 'your'. That mistake is carried out through the whole story. To make it simple, press Ctrl+F and search for "you're". If the words "you are" don't fit, it should be 'your'. Hopefully, that made sense. Good job overall, though.
That's good. Only a couple little mistakes. Some of the times, you missed a space after a comma. And, this whole thing seems very cramped. Maybe indent the different paragraphs or put a space between them. That makes it easier to read. But, overall, this was good. No spelling mistakes that I saw. I liked this. Is it true?? Curious.
Aww! That was sad. I like deer. But, a good story nonetheless. Shows logging from a deer's point of view. One little thing I noticed-
"he hadn't noticed his approach"- that part confused me and I had to read it again. As if he hadn't notied whose approach??
Other than that-easily fixed- that was a very good story!! Poor Rudy. Good job, though!!
Aww, that's so cute! Don't know which ending I'll go with, but either way, it was very good. A few typing mistakes that I noticed.
"Can we go out a play?"- should be 'and', of course
"No No” [At the end] there should either be a period or comma between the two 'No's. If a comma, the second 'No' shouldn't be capitalized.
"half liked like a rabbit"- Aciidentally typed 'liked' instead of 'looked' I've done that before.
There ya go. I really liked this story. Good job!!
Wow, that's really good!! The ending definitely wasn't expected, which is really cool. I didn't even see any real mistakes throughout it, so you did really well on this story. Hopefully, you enjoyed writing it because I definitely liked reading it. Sci-fi isn't really my forte, so that's good. Good job!!
Wow, that's a very good story! It'd probably be easily to read if you indented, though. As it is, it seemed to blend into one paragraph. And, I only saw a few mistakes.
You spelled 'tires' with a 'y'. And you have 'went to hospital'. Just forgot 'the' before hospital. That's it. But this is a very good story & I liked it a lot! Good job!
I think your article is of help because I tend to do the paragraph of info at the beginning of a story. I try not to, but it always seems to go that way.
I didn't really see any obvious mistakes or things you could've changed in here. It was very nice.
All in all I think this piece will help me with adding details in throughout a story instead of all in one place. In my one story, the main character's eyes were three different colors throughout the story & I didn't notice until I reread it. My reader didn't notice either. Quite amusing. Anyway, this was very helpful and an interesting read. Good job!!
I think your article is helpful, somewhat. The 'somewhat' is only because I have a short attention span. The big words messed me up a little, but I got it. This was well-written, definitely. Only found one spelling mistake. I believe 'adrenaline' is spelled with an 'e'. Either you forgot it or that's a different way of spelling it. Nothing major.
This could've been a little better, if I was more used to big words and such. That's just my fault. But if you have a good attentiion span and vocabulary, this would've ben very easy to understand.
All in all I think this piece can help me with writing sentences. Good job!
Well, that's very helpful! Even those people in the cave now understand Google. This was very easy to understand. Then again, I use Google a lot, so I already understood it. But, still, even if I didn't, this would've explained it all out for me. Very nice! Also, I didn't see any spelling mistakes, which is very good too.
Aww, that's a really good stroy. I see why it did well in the contest. [Congrats!] I didn't really see any spelling errors, but I coulda missed obvious ones. i tend to do that. Also, no obvious grammer probelms. But, according to reviews I've gotten, grammer isn't always my forte. Still, this is a very good story & I really liked it. Good job!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chaosangel
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 2:19pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
That was the only thing that I thought needed fixing. I really loved this story! I really didn't like Mick, which I think was the point. That worked. 
Good job, though!!