I read this one a couple of times from different angles.
From a traditional perspective I thought that the rythmn fell away a little in the second last line of the second verse. May I suggest: " Beams glow against blackness-turning sky into light" It seems to fit a little better without altering your meaning.
Traditional stuff aside, great imagery, you describe the majesty (your word I know) of the night sky very well. What I found quite clever was you choice of words. "Sparkle", "Wink" and "Glistening" captures the stars as tiny fragile specs as they appear and at the same time "Magnitude", Majestic", "Power" and "Might" captures the reality. Well done.
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Palin, Another great piece of work. I see some real depth in your thoughts and I reckon you should keep going. I liked the imagery in this one ie the second last verse illustrates the passing of time going too quickly for a life that wants to last forever. (have I read that correctly?)
Keep up the good work
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Very strong sentiments and to my mind an uncommon variation to a common theme, meaning that to write about leaving a relationship etc is quite common but I think you have nailed the feelings associated with leaving something behind and taking a new direction. I particularly liked the line "Love can stop traffic but can it stop wings". I think that showed great depth of thought.
Technically though, I notice that the smaller, intermediate verses have a different rhyming pattern to the longer ones (an interesting technique, well done) but at times the rythmn did not quite work. Having said that, I would not sacrifice meaning and emotion in your poem for technical correctness. Although, if you feel the piece could use some tweaking, I am more than happy to help.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Absolutely loved it. I had to keep reading it again and again. You say it was inspired by David Bowie's Changes but consider bob Dylan's 'Hard Rains Are Gonna Fall' that song two gave no chance to absorb any verse fully before he delivered the next one. Each of your verses is a powerful message to all parents. Please keep it up. Very well done!!!
Regards
Geno
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