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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cheryl6401
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Review by Cheryl Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is pretty well written, and I'm impressed. I'm not sure where it's going to go yet, so I will likely keep reading.

In the fifth paragraph you have "Riley hugged my tightly...", and the my should be a me... otherwise I didn't see anything really wrong with the grammar. You do a really good job of mixing up words to keep from repeating or being “plain”, which is nice, and somewhat refreshing. Too many times you see “His sadness was contagious, and soon I found that I was sad, too.”

You avoid that kind of thing, keeping your word choices fresh from sentence to sentence, and paragraph to paragraph. I also liked your description of the characters, although it took me a while to figure out that the main character was a female. That may have been the intent all along, or I may have missed a clue at the beginning. I started to assume based on the way she acted with Riley, and then finally got confirmation later.

You also have her call Riley “my best friend”, which (to me anyway) doesn’t necessarily indicate any romantic link between them. I don’t know if they’re dating or just friends, which has me a bit confused about his reactions. I’m sure I’ll learn more later, as I read, but if this is not intentional, I thought you should know.

You introduce “Matthew” as a person, but don’t do anything with him, or describe the relationship to them. He could be a friend, uncle, step parent, or some other relation; he is just a person who insisted that Riley accompany him “overseas” on an adventure. There’s no setting (is this in Europe, England, or where? The language and certain words make me think England, but it’s not stated implicitly), so I can’t quite figure out where “overseas” is. I am also not familiar with the ages for Secondary school, so I don’t get a sense of how old these characters are. They seem like teen agers to me, but they could be 15 or 16 year olds, or 18 or 19 year olds. Perhaps some device to define the age without coming out and saying it. Maybe she could lament that Riley had missed her 17th birthday party while he was away. Something like that.

I like the dialogue and the story telling so far. I think you’ve done a good job with what I’ve read here.
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