Wow! Great story! Your hook really rocked. I also like the idea of incorporating differing "conspiracy" theories (i.e. aliens and demons) into one element.
You need to watch out for your commas. For example:
He shored up his leaking courage, and then staying close to the wall, edged his way inside.
The comma should be after "then" instead of after "courage." This happens a couple of times in the story.
I liked this piece. It made me long to live in an area that actually has seasonal changes--Florida doesn't.
Something about your writing style bugged me, however. You seem to skip over words such as "of" and "the" on occasion. Its more of a conversational style--which if that was what you were going for worked. But it was a little too... informal.
Howdy! I found this quite interesting and well-written. Your form is excellent--far better than I could do (I'm definitely not a poet). The imagery is very strong and confident. I could see much of what was going on--and with a work of this nature, that's quite impressive.
However, I must confess to getting a bit confused toward the end, particularly with the last stanza. I wasn't sure who the woman was... Her identity eluded me. It could be just me, but it was a bit unclear--even with the strong description.
Good job, overall! Keep it up!
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Howdy! This is a powerful piece of writing that succeeds in being thought-provoking as well as intense.
Your descriptive talents are quite impressive. Good job!
Here's a couple of little things that I noticed:
Sarah, get the children and take them to the cellar! Did you get a hold of Herr Wendell?” Josef shouted! I'd ditch the "!" after shouted
It did not take long for a knock to come to the door…but that was good! Ooooookay.... I'm one of those writers who thinks that exclamation points should be kept to a minimum and be used primarily in dialogue. You've built the tension well enough without needing a "!" at the end.
You use both "Mein Gott" and "My God". Pick one and stick with it.
What if Josef had never returned from the war…? What if the straps that held Adolf were empty…? What if diamonds never sparkled and children never laughed? I'm not sure this is necessary--it's sort'a redundant in that it's almost the entire idea of the story in a nutshell... Kind of like putting your pitch in the middle of your text. Make sense?
By the way: If you've not read it already, you should check out Secret Germany: Stauffenberg and the Mystical Crusade Against Hitler by Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh. It's an interesting read...
Hope this helps!
Take care.
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This is good satire. I couldn't help but laugh... there's some funny stuff in here. I particularly like how Petey heals through punching and the throw away line about who specifically should be punished for not following his ideals.
My only complaint is a small one--the very last line has double quotes. Perhaps move "Ow." to its own line...
Other than that, great job!
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Ahhh... the scene you describe would be nice. Your wording is precise and not cluttered. It is very easy to see the setting.
Your descriptions are very pleasant and soothing--almost dream-like. This would fit nicely as a dream sequence in a larger work.
And that's sort'a my problem here. This is a nice scene. And it works very well as just that.
But it's ultimately not fulfilling because it is not put into a context involving character, plot, crisis, etc.
I rated this at 3.5 stars for one reason: You have a skill here--a definite skill. Utilize this ability to describe scenes in something more complex. That way it would thoroughly engage the reader.
This is great! New contests, even more ways to meet other writers!
Happy Birthday Writing.Com!!!
If only there wasn't a hurricane heading directly toward me, I'd be able to have more fun here this week. Instead, I get to pack up and drive four hours southwest... Grrrrrrrr....
LOL! I HATE those little things. Tinky Winky can bite my *#@&! It would be great to strand them on Jurassic Park... whoa... what a great short film that would make...
GREAT poll. It was difficult to choose between a few of them... I think all kids should be raised on Bugs Bunny's explosions, anvils, and wit instead of... those THINGS...
This is really good! I particularly like this passage:
He wants his mind back,
but with a laugh he tells me,
the demons pay their rent.
I may ask you for permission to use that passage in the front matter of a novel I'm working on--it fits the tone of the main character perfectly! If I ever finish the thing, that is... LOL.
No typos or other problems evident. This is quite a good piece.
LOL--interesting poll topic. There are a few reasons I picked Hobbits over Fairies and Pixies:
1. I love to cook and I love to eat. As Hobbits dine roughly eight to twelve times per day (and enjoy a good local brew now and then), I'd be right at home.
2. Fairies and Pixies can be mean. Particularly the Fey. I don't want to accidentally accept a gift then find myself enslaved for all eternity.
3. Sure, Fairies can look pretty and cause all sorts of acid flashback sparkly lights--but can they destroy the One Ring?
Egad, I think everybody's had a day like this... Even though I don't have kids, I watched my little niece proceed to rip pages out of an 1890 edition of Browning's poetry that she somehow got her hands on--starting with the lithograph...
Nicely written! I particularly enjoyed the last line--it made me chuckle.
No typos that I could see, and your prose is nice and sharp.
This poll showed me something I was sort of aware of... that I lack confidence. I could not give my self 4 stars, even though my stories have been getting some great reviews and feedback.
Maybe I need to eat more spinach, get involved in Dianetics, and stop living like Bukowski... LOL.
This is a very powerful piece. I've felt this before... a long time ago. Thank God I've gotten a bit more calm with age and experience...
I didn't find any typos, and the prose is quite succinct and determined. This is a very good work. My one complaint would come with the use of the word "lunacy." That's just a little too direct. It's like the narrator fully understands the nature of his/her problem.
This is funny as hell! Really bitter, really biting--scathing, in fact. And pretty dead on. I've been doing film/video work for seventeen years now, and I've seen all sorts of stuff. Scary how, with just a bit of over the top commentary, you've nailed some of the things I've seen.
Good writing; no typos that I could see. Just great satire/social commentary.
If you've not read it before, pick up the first collection of Warren Ellis's Transmetropolitan--it's a series of graphic novels published by Vertigo Comics. You'd dig it.
I'm not usually one for rhyming poetry--but this was great. Your wording is succinct and balanced. What surprised me the most was that the characters actually had LIFE{/c:} in such a small space.
Another thing that I liked was the use of Chaos Theory/Syncronicity in the piece. I'm a big fan of the theory that unrelated events impact each other--and this is a good example. What does a dragonfly have to do with winning a lottery ticket and saving a marriage?
This is quite beautiful and uplifting. I'm horrible at poetry, so I'm always impressed with writers who have a good ability of the craft--and you do.
There was one line that sort of pulled me out briefly: "Twisting the dragon’s spine,". Up until this point there are no references to any mythic/fantasy elements. The poem is grounded somewhat in its own world without intrusion from outside forces (that's the best I could come up with--sorry--LOL).
See, now this is nice for newbies. A quick, easy tutorial for structuring paragraphs without getting into a mess of grammar (the math of the English language).
This is a really funny premise, but (to me) it doesn't feel like you've followed it all the way through. It feels like the beginning of something larger. Here's a few specifics:
1. These aliens have come to the planet to investigate rap. Why? If they were somehow influenced by rap, this needs to be more clearly stated. As it is, there seems to be only one reference to rap-speech: "I am Captain, and you'll not dis' me. Not on my watch."
2. The use of present tense: It's reallly difficult to write a good story in present tense. You're to be commended for attempting this. In my reading I can think of only one or two cases where this has succeeded (Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City comes immediately to mind.
3. Word variance: Be careful to vary your wording. You don't want stuff like this: "He then walked over to individually look over his horde of warriors from head to toe." And, if you don't have one, a Thesaurus is a great tool. "Smirk" is used far too often...
4. I LOVE this line: "A bit startled by the intercom, his alien sleep toy fell to the floor as he responded through a much needed yawn." All I can picture is some tentacled squeeze toy...
5. Speaking of #4 above, what DO the aliens look like?
6. And what is the motive of the aliens? Why are they invading? Or are they just investigating?
In a nutshell: This is a good premise, but you need to put it through some serious work for there to be a payoff. I can't find a motive to the character's actions, nor visualize them. Sentence structure needs some work as well.
Sorry to be sort'a tough on you. I think with some work this could be a good piece. Pour yourself into it some more.
And if you ever have any questions, feel free to contact me. That's one of the reasons I'm here!
Take care.
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Sarah, get the children and take them to the cellar! Did you get a hold of Herr Wendell?” Josef shouted! I'd ditch the "!" after shouted