"Forced to watch you stride away, driven apart in a rain-sodden heartbeat
Still the pounding continues, the explosions ricocheting through my brain" This was the most vivid image to me, and really reminded me of some of my less than ideal experiences with romance...
I believe the thing that would most help this poem is a more definite rythm and meter (unless that goes against the contest prompt or this was meant to be more of a free verse). I think giving at least some definition to the phrasing here would turn these images into an organized masterpiece. :)
Thank you once again for reviewing my story and please continue to write! Enjoy this great life we have, and let your feelings keep on singing in your writing. :)
Such images of tragic beauty! How many people sit all night in the parking lot, wondering at where their life has led them? What pains do everyday people hide beneath their work clothes and small talk?
Another beautiful and terse piece! I love your style and the open mind you so obviously have! My only correction would be that "Painful eyes and a unrested soul," should be "Painful eyes and aN", but this is a very small error. If the piece wasn't so short I probably wouldn't even have noticed.
This beginning effectively introduces a conflict and leaves readers with questions dying to be answered. This element= A+
The characters are well presented, though not described, but the reader gets a general idea of what they're like and their relationship with each other. Some of Adam's dialouge is a little wooden, but this could also fit the archetype of the stiff mentor. However, even this archetype would contradict the comforter you protray earlier in the story. Perhaps he would make more sense to me as I progressed in the story. The female character was very well presented.
This element= A-
The setting isn't thoroughly described, but some of the things you mention give us an idea of what it must look like. I would still recommend more description.
This element= B
You leave a lot of potential for plot. Good job here.
This element= A+
Your grammatics and presentation are pretty good, but the very beginning has many short sentences and the middle and end have many sentences that should be seperated, but are instead trapped with commas. Also, putting a space between each paragraph will make for easier reading.
This element= B-/C+
Wow, I loved this insight into language itself. Second languages really do give perspective don't they? I've been taking Spanish for 3 years, and the little things one finds in comparisons never cease to amaze me. "Por que" means "why" in Spanish, and, oddly enough, the word for "because" sounds the same but is spelled differently, "Porque". Thanks for another great read and look forward to seeing more from you!
Thanks for the review of my piece, "Fearful". In kind, I've looked over hereaways to find this lovely bit. I really liked how the soldier came back, though I was left curious as to how he managed to survive. I know its not as important, but I think a little allusion to how he made it home would help clear things up for your readers, and make them a litle more confident that this woman isn't hallucinating or dreaming. I like how it turns out that the whole story is one of the woman's letters, a nice touch I didn't see coming. I'd like a little more detail in the beginning on when he left and if he was drafted or was a volunteer, what war it was, (If there was a specific one), and other such minor details would help with the image that this woman cares desperately about her husband. Now, what you're looking for here may be more blunt with less detail, so judge what I say with your intention in mind. These are just some things that I think would make a reader more comfortable with your story. All in all, good job and keep writing!
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