First Impression:
The poem effectively captures the beauty and transformative power of nature, while playfully staying with a structure imposed by the alphabet.
Things I Liked:
--Vivid imagery: The poem paints a clear picture through its descriptive language, allowing the reader to visualize the splendor of the dawn, the ominous clouds, and the mountains covered in avalanche snows.
--Playful structure: The use of the alphabet as a structural element adds a unique and whimsical touch to the poem, creating an enjoyable rhythm.
--Thought-provoking themes: The poem delves into deeper concepts such as fear, salvation, and hope, inviting the reader to reflect on their own perceptions and the transformative nature of beauty.
Things that Stopped Me:
There were no specific elements that halted my reading flow or detracted from the overall enjoyment of the poem.
Things that Need Attention:
--"in s world" :: "in a world
Suggestions:
--Refine transitions: Consider reworking certain phrases or lines to establish smoother transitions between ideas. This will help maintain a cohesive flow from start to finish. However, given the restriction on the poem (the a,b,c restriction), I'm not sure how--or even if--this can be done.
Final Thoughts:
This poem successfully captures the beauty of nature and engages the reader with its vivid imagery and thought-provoking themes. Overall, it is an enjoyable and contemplative piece.
A beautiful, short poem. I see no problems with it, and really loved the "it releases its scent" event though the word "scent" sounds so un-poetic and blocky sometimes. I really wish I had some good suggestions, but there's nothing that comes to mind except to wonder if it wouldn't be better to find some other way to say "everyday" or "Each day" given how close they are together. Still, and as I said: beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
First Impression: Catchy title, but why is the text in ALL CAPS? That always makes something sound like its being shouted at you, and that mode of conversation is not typically the most persuasive.
Things I Liked: There are some very pleasant, and even fun, rhymes that give this a good rhythm.
Things that Stopped Me:
--IT'S DEEP WHEN YOU EATING THEM OKRAS : I am completely confused by this.
--WHO THEY GON CROWN : ???
--NO CAP LIFE AIN'T ALL SMILES : I don't know what this means unless you are addressing a fictional character like "Captain America," in which case you should punctuate it as follows: "NO, CAP, LIFE AIN'T ALL SMILES"
Things that Need Attention:
--THE SINS IS HEAVY :: THE SINS ARE HEAVY
--THE WORLD AIN'T NEW WATCH THE ART FADE :: THE WORLD AIN'T NEW, WATCH THE ART FADE
--There are many other places where the lack of proper punctuation makes meaning hard to determine. This is fine for a spoken-word piece, but when it is written like this, it become laborious to work through.
Suggestions: If your goal is to convert people to your way of thinking, I would suggest the use of lowercase letters and proper punctuation. This could be a far subtler, more gentle means of persuasion than screaming at them--and that's what this reads like.
Final Thoughts: They rhythms and the rhyme schemes are good--they are a good hook. You've go the hook...now you need to gently set the hook and lure the audience in. That's my advice. I will be honest and say I didn't even read half of this because I just got tired of being yelled at--anyone would. It got to the point I wondered if this was satire--but that is not my assumption. I assume this is heartfelt and honest, and I give my feedback with that intention in mind. Good luck with this. Thank you for sharing.
First Impression: This reads like the start of something larger and longer. There's a good introduction to a main character here (Leviathan) and to Lady Alaister: I assume much of the following tale will focus on their interactions.
Things I Liked: Good descriptive sense, though it is focused mostly on the sense of sight, so you might want to try to work in a couple other senses in there to flesh things out.
Things that Stopped Me: Repetitive sentence structures: you start man sentences the same way, even in the same paragraph: "There was/were..." "He..."
Things that Need Attention:
--The biggest house on the block, but it has nothing around it for miles? I'm not sure "blocks" work that way.
--The castle had miles :: miles of what?
--persian castles :: Persian castles
--either put spaces between paragraphs, or indent the first line of the paragraphs
-- She was not a regular fae girl, she had huge wings looming behind her. :: She was not a regular fae girl. She had huge wings looming behind her.
--Your lady Alaister :: You're Lady Alaister
(there are more mistakes, but I will stop noting them here)
Suggestions: As I said, try to work some more senses into your descriptions, and try to vary your sentence structures a bit more.
Final Thoughts: A good start to a longer tale. Most of the problems you have are just grammar and spelling issues, but be careful of accuracy as well: two million books would not fit into one castle (unless that castle was devoted entirely to books. The largest physical libraries in the world, most of the national, have upwards of 10 million books. Since most of your narrative focuses on description (rather than action), I am focusing my comments on description. Good luck with this. Thank you for sharing.
First Impression: I really, really hear you, in as much as I think I understand what you are referring to.
Things I Liked: "pick foot up/put back down/repeat." Also, I liked the brevity, the lack of unnecessary adornment or effect. It's stark and that very much matches the content and emotional effect.
Things that Stopped Me: Nothing.
Things that Need Attention: I see no grammar or spelling problems.
Suggestions: Sorry, but nothing other than to say that a one-word title is sometimes not as effective as we might hope.
Final Thoughts: Nicely done. I liked it. Very evocative and effective. Keep writing.
First Impression: Title gets my attention immediately, making me think I'm in for a darker but possibly humorous story.
Things I Liked: "Well... I was enjoying the very nice view.”
Things that Stopped Me:
--"denuded your appendage" : why this vocabulary choice?
--"job bra"? I've never heard it referred to in that way. I've heard of "jogging bra" or "sports bra", but "job bra"?
Things that Need Attention:
--Ohhh, another cannibal, I was thinking :: Ohhh, another cannibal. I was thinking
--let you ‘View’ :: let you ‘view’
--seen?I” :: seen?”
Suggestions: The numbers at the beginning are off-putting: spell out numbers smaller than ten unless you're aiming for a more scientific feel.
Final Thoughts: The title did not lead me astray, so: good title. The essence of this is the relationship between the two people, and how much of that relationship can be conveyed in a very small amount of dialogue--there's no action, no description, so everything you want the reader to know about these people must come through the dialogue. Here's what I understood of them: they like each other, are sexually attracted to each other, have had a long enough relationship that they can throw barbs at one another in a playful way...but more than that I didn't get. I don't know how old they are except vaguely "young adult" judging from the majority of their vocabulary choices. It's a good scene, and I would encourage you to spend more time revising it.
Things I Liked: "Wondering where/All his human friends went"
Things that Stopped Me: "The bird is simple": too heavy, too much telling. I think we can get that and more from context.
Things that Need Attention: I don't see any grammar or spelling mistakes.
Suggestions: tell less, show more. Such a poem benefits from its own "simplicity": allowing the reader to read more deeply into the images.
Final Thoughts: This is a good nature poem, evocative in its imagery and focus on the situation of a bird's relationship to humans. Thank you for sharing this.
First Impression: I like flash fiction, especially ones that contain dialogue only.
Things I Liked: The seeming set up of a one-way street being a metaphor for something in or between the characters.
Things that Stopped Me: Dialogue choice: "How can you be so clueless about one way streets, and so insightful about other things?” This doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound like something a parent would say to a child--which was what I assumed was happening. "Clueless" just sounds kind of too harsh. My opinion.
Things that Need Attention:
--they were traveling down.” :: they were traveling down.
--of metal too! :: of metal, too!
--How can a street be one way! :: How can a street be one way?
--big hold :: big hole
--‘Dodged another bullet there, Mum,’ :: (use italics to signal internal dialogue.
Suggestions: I would say this isn't a flash fiction because nothing comes to resolution. In fact, it seems by the "‘Dodged another bullet there, Mum,’" comment that something bigger is being alluded to, making the story incomplete. Instead of think of this as a finished story, I'd suggest you think of it as an entry point to a larger story involving these two.
Final Thoughts: The focus on the idea of a one-way street really made me think you were setting up a metaphor, but that didn't seem to happen--or I just didn't realize it. The dialogue really works to set up the relationship between the two characters, and to actually provide a sense of their environment. Well done. Thank you for sharing.
First Impression: I like poems with a mix of short and long lines, especially the way the add weight to words.
Things I Liked: The first line, and its sudden end.
Things that Stopped Me: Nothing really.
Things that Need Attention:
--make you, you :: make you you
Suggestions: If you don't want to you a period after "This is me" then I suggest a blank line between it and the final question.
Final Thoughts: You do well to give a morose sense of (losing) identity. I liked it. I liked the way the writer conveys the question(s) of being self-content only in the absence of actively asking yourself if you are lost. Or maybe that's just me. Thank you for sharing that. Nicely done.
First Impression: Very nice. Yes, romantic, but also wistful.
Things I Liked: The way you repeat "if only" at the beginning of the first three lines, and then break with some other idea/feeling--nicely done.
Things that Stopped Me: Why did you stop the previously noted structure in the last stanza? That's where I felt things stumble in both rhythm and theme.
Things that Need Attention: I see nothing that needs correction.
Suggestions: To smooth out the rhythm, change "And feel the warmth of your embrace" to "And feel your warm embrace". Maybe. I don't know. I got stuck there. Also: consider starting each line with a non-capitalized letter--this might be a greater sense of wistfulness and impermanence.
Final Thoughts: I liked it. Well done. Thank you for sharing.
Things I Liked: The final three lines: nice rhythm and rhyme.
Things that Stopped Me: Logical inconsistencies (I know! why look for that in poetry, but I do.) For example: "The outer reaches of space/Just beyond the grasps/Of current technology": I'm not sure if you are talking about the edge of the universe (which is far beyond the grasp of current technology to get an image of) or, well, I'm not sure. "Travel of light unknown": I don't know what this means. The properties and travel of light are quite well understood.
Things that Need Attention: String Theory (capitalized)
Suggestions: This is light-hearted as it is. I have no suggestions.
Final Thoughts: This could be edited to be more accurate to current scientific knowledge. For examples, the 11 dimensions of are not described as being "not intermix" but "intertwined" (perhaps). Not sure. This is definitely a poem to return to, because it could be quite effective at popularizing science.
First Impression: I like the structure and the sound.
Things I Liked: "Giving courage to cope."
Things that Stopped Me: "A beach's ocean": for some reason, this line broke the rhythm of the previous. Also, I wondered if there was any link between the images: a developing metaphor, perhaps, but I couldn't find one.
Things that Need Attention: some stanza's end with a period; some don't. "Giving" is capitalized, and I don't know why.
Suggestions: Nothing specific. Just fix the punctuation inconsistencies (or make some reason for them?)
Final Thoughts: A fun collaboration with a strong message of hope. Nicely done. Thank you for sharing.
First Impression: First: I love flash fictions, and I read them closely because of how much emphasis and care they force the writer to put on each word. You did this very well in the last paragraph.
Things I Liked: the ambiguity, though it sometimes crosses over into confusion.
Things that Stopped Me:
--"I let his embrace happen": Why "his"? An embrace is usually between two people, so I stopped to wonder (especially in a flash fiction) why the writer was putting so much weight on attributing the embrace to him and not to the speaker. It gave a passivity to the speaker that I found confusing.
--"I was going to break the rules anyway": because of the previous focus on *his* action, I got confused: what did the speaker do to break a rule? Let themself be hugged?? It was confusing, and I wasn't sure, by the end, that place "love" in there really resolved my confusion.
Things that Need Attention: I see no grammatical problems. The only strange thing I noticed, and this may be just because of my browser settings: there's a line break after "thing:" For some reason, "The willingness" starts on a new line, and I wasn't sure if that was intentional.
Suggestions: Nothing specific other than what I've already noted.
Final Thoughts: This is, I feel, the bones of a good flash fiction about relationships, about the (voluntary) boundaries people set between each other and around themselves. You should consider spending more time with this and fleshing it out a bit more.
First Impression: As a non-believer, I have to view this as an expression of a Christian enthusiasm, and as that the poem is effective at conveying the writer's energy for their beliefs.
Things I Liked: "As we travel through life on earths sod"
Things that Stopped Me: capitalization and grammar mistakes.
Things that Need Attention: capitalization and grammar mistakes, some of which I've listed below.
Suggestions:
--earths :: earth's
--capitalize "earth" unless you want it to mean "dirt"
--"Hid" ??
--Do you really need the final line "Life eternal..."? It doesn't really fit the message of the other lines. I think I understand why you felt compelled to end with that, but it really doesn't add anything to the message of the previous lines.
Final Thoughts: Not my usual cup of tea, but I see what you are saying here, and you say it your way clearly and succinctly.
Things I Liked: The tone of voice: a bit snarky, but hinting at larger, unseen processes beyond the reader's ken.
Things that Stopped Me: Really, the only things that stopped me reading were the word choice, punctuation, or grammar problems I will note in the next section...
Things that Need Attention:
--"The Human is real. They live in tribes..." That's how the first sentence reads, so I suggest: "The Sasquatch are real..."
--"But, that’s the" :: " But that’s the" (in general, if you must start a sentence with "but" don't follow it with a comma unless you want to sound very choppy).
--influence rooted to :: influence rooted in
--How could we know that this time would be different. :: How could we know that this time would be different?
--"the size of which rippled tsunamis across" Two problems: 1) most earthquakes in Japan cause tsunami of varying sizes, and 2) "rippled" makes these tsunami sound small when, I think, you are aiming to make them sound devastating.
Suggestions: Given that this is Chapter 1, the tone of voice works; however, if this tone of voice is going to continue (its seems rather disdainful and didactic), as a reader I would find myself hoping for some reward to putting up with such treatment--in other words, there better be some big surprise waiting for me soon. If this isn't the case, I would suggest you consider how to handle the tone of voice and maybe adjust it for later chapters.
Final Thoughts: Yeah, it's fun, and it hints at a new take on usual apocalypse narratives. I like them, so I am interested in this--but, because of the tone, I'm note sure how much more of it I would like to read...that's just my taste. Others may enjoy this. Good voice, good writing: good luck!
First Impression: impactful use of adjectives to create a sense of urgency.
Things I Liked: There's no dithering: you go straight for the throat to get at the heart of the matter.
Things that Stopped Me: the heavy use of negative adjectives presents a one-sided view that, however warranted, may turn away some readers, especially given the call to "save a kind and knowing seat at the table".
Things that Need Attention: I noticed nothing out of place or mistaken.
Suggestions: Except for what I noted above, I have no real suggestions.
Final Thoughts: I get the imperative voice in this--even though I'm unsure if I would agree with this person's politics (they seem to be talking either about Trump or Biden, but this is my American viewpoint talking). As a persuasive device, the poem is too in-your-face; as a mirror of the writer's sentiments, it rings with a power and a sense of urgency.
First Impression: fun revenge fantasy with an interesting twist.
Things I Liked: the novelty of the idea of jumper mixed with a (seemingly) authentic history.
Things that Stopped Me: Not stopped so much as distracted me: the heavy-handed use of negative descriptive adjectives. These made me think either that they were being used too much or that the narrator was unhinged and too full of their self.
Things that Need Attention:
--I know what you are thinking, why :: I know what you are thinking: why
--resin, I :: resin. I
Suggestions: eliminate the -ly words: they weigh down your narration.
Final Thoughts: This is fun (in a dark way that I enjoy). It seems constrained by the short format and would benefit from some breathing room if you could stretch out the scenes, add description and tension, and space them out. That both revenges happen on the same night is anti-climatic. Still, this is good, and enjoyable, so I thank you for sharing it.
Things I Liked: the equation of dirt and morals: wonderful mixture of "the dirty" and the beneficial.
Things that Stopped Me: "that do not exist": while I think I understand what you are getting at here, the logical part of me (sorry) is railing that the morals exist irregardless of whether we pay attention to them or not. I mean they exist in that humans make them and give them at least lip service, but I am confused by your use of not existing: do you mean we don't follow them, are not bound by them, ignore them, they do not come from some supernatural divinity, etc. It just stopped me in a way that wasn't productive because nothing else in the poem really fed into that question--and this is further complicated by the use of "immorality" in the poem which, by its very definition means that morals do exist. Sorry: I'm obsessing.
Things that Need Attention: See above.
Suggestions: Nothing specific, but please see comments following.
Final Thoughts: It is a strange but a fun coincidence: I just got your gift points for my reviews of other writers before pushing the "Read and Review" button, read the poem, started writing the review, and then check the name tag of the writer to discover it was you, the person who'd just sent me gift points. A coincidence, I believe, and not an unwelcome one. So: about the poem: the brevity of it, the unconventional line breaks that really echo the feeling of the movement from one idea to the next and the emotional weight of that move, are very effective. That the entire poem is a sentence, perhaps a death sentence, growing from an interest in the work of love in the face of death, is subtle and perhaps accidental and if you were interested in further revision or exploration of the subject, might prove fruitful.
First Impression: A poetic look into the mind of creativity, especially in the visual arts.
Things I Liked: "To remember what's gone, was always there."
Things that Stopped Me: "to banish a dark cloud that shadowed above since arriving in the big city" is unclear. A dark cloud usually shadows things below it; and, did the dark cloud arrive int he big city, or was it the artist (as I suspect)?
Things that Need Attention:
--"as tears towards" might be poetic, but it seems to be missing a word.
--knowing; :: knowing:
Suggestions: given the brevity and punch you are aiming for, take out any "to be" words you can because they slow down and weaken the prose, for example: "Soft actions were being coordinated through strong emotions" :: Strong emotions coordinate soft actions. "The artist’s heartstrings became coiled in intense conflict" :: The artist’s heartstrings coiled in intense conflict.
Final Thoughts: I love flash fiction, and I can see this piece working very well to not explain convey the emotions but also to express them. Nicely done. Thank you for sharing.
First Impression: There's a strong sense of the speaker wanting to express their emotions here, of a reserve of feeling that is trying to come out.
Things I Liked: "I remember when you revealed your feelings/You gave me a note on the way home": there's such a sense of tenderness and innocence, but also tension, in this line. This line also benefits from showing versus telling, which you do in the final stanza.
Things that Stopped Me: The "But"s that start too many lines. You don't need them. Don't replace them: erase them. The reader will pick up the meaning, don't worry.
Things that Need Attention: "sacred" should be "scared", "to" should be "too", "its" should be "it's": little mistakes like that.
Suggestions: Don't be afraid to use punctuation, especially periods: it would both keep some of the lines from causing the reader to stumble, wondering if they'd misread, and add some punch to the emotions. Without punctuation, I feel this sounds monotone. Also: "anyways" is a word I love, but it leaches the life from that line--try to find another way to say "best anyways" that doesn't sound "lazy" (as it does now). Show more, tell less: you've got the voice and the framework here--my biggest fear is to say too much and either discourage you or set you down a path of my choosing. Ignoring my advice is perfectly acceptable!
Final Thoughts: Thank you for sharing this. From you description, it seems to be part of a larger unit. That's cool.
First Impression: A forthright declaration of wanting to fly.
Things I Liked: "The sky is my ultimate utopia./It is my heaven; the ground: my chain"
Things that Stopped Me: "They say humans can't fly, but we" makes me think the speaker is human...but that means, as a human, they can fly, according to what they say next. This kind of subverts the message. And then I am not sure...is the speaker a penguin? But they said "we" meaning "humans"... confusing.
Things that Need Attention: "The chain to the untold horrors of the hell below": this is both heavy-handed and ambiguous given that you say the ground is your hell but then you are referring what is below the ground is your hell. Again: confusing.
Suggestions: Nothing specific. I am just urging you to clarify these confusing aspects.
Final Thoughts: Definitely a good framing device in the binary between earth and sky. Keep working on it even though (or especially because) you posted this long ago.
First Impression: Engaging dialogue with a narrative style twist that might do something interesting, let's keep reading...
Things I Liked: The narrative style: no use of quotation marks or other punctuation to mark where narrative ends and dialogue begins. I like this because it can cause some interesting things to happen in the reading process.
Things that Stopped Me: many spelling mistakes. To be honest, I never pay attention to this, but you are aiming for realism in your dialogue--therefore, it's very jarring when the realistic depiction gets undermined by simple mistakes such as mixing up "to" and "too".
Things that Need Attention: I would suggest you sit down and think about why you are choosing this style of narrative: why the short lines and the lack of punctuation. My entire writing background is in experimental writing, so I have no problem with this stylistic device per se, but I wonder what effect you are aiming for. As I said, the narrative style hints that something interesting might happen in the (con)fusion between narrative and dialogue, but, unfortunately--and this could be just me--I didn't un(re)cover any such incidents. Also: sometimes you use end-line punctuation and sometimes you don't, and I can find a pattern, which makes this read sloppy.
Suggestions: Way too pat: "And Lauren started crying. And that was that." It feels as if the writer just wanted to stop, not that the narrative came to a stop.
Final Thoughts: As I said: no problem with this narrative style so long as you keep in mind your purpose for using it. However, a lot of parts in this come off as just thrown out there without consideration for tone or effect. There's a very rushed sense to the pacing, as if we're not supposed to engage with this people--but, then, seemingly, we're expected to care enough about them to keep reading. This is NOT a negative in and of itself--it is possible to have flat characters that can still engage us, and do so for a certain purpose--but here I don't get that sense that this is what you were aiming for. I'm being honest with you because there's something potentially very cool here: this is not bad writing, so I encourage you to delve into it and pick at it and obsess over it until you hate it, set it aside, then come back to it after weeks or even months, and then edit it with your new thinking in mind.
First Impression: Nicely accurate period depiction, and good use of internal and external dialogue to both catch the reader's attention and to round out the characters.
Things I Liked: As I said: nice, accurate depictions. For example: "He finished his meal without incident, scoured the little pan clean in a little tide pool, and then stowed it away; breakfast would be another chunk of pemmican." As a camper and survivalist myself, I appreciate the attention to details here."
Things that Stopped Me: The scene with the natives, wherein there's a gunshot out of nowhere that stops their hunt, and not a single person stops to look for the source of the shot or express concern about the shooter? "The Indians seemed to understand this, and simply turned themselves to the task of skinning the bear and cutting up and stowing the meat in various containers." The explanation seems to reduce the natives to, well, unthinking imbeciles--which is then turned on its head by the following dialogue in a foreign language. Not sure how to reconcile (or even if you should) these two disparate images.
Things that Need Attention: Some wordiness: "receded away from" could be just "receded from", or "little pan clean in a little tide" can be edited to reduce repetition. Also, when the character thinks to himself like this, it makes me wonder what kind of nit-picky person they might be: "He wasn't paddling at the standard 40-45 strokes".
Suggestions: I'd say pay particular attention to the narrator's internal dialogue. They're spending a lot of time alone, so any thing that tells us about their mental processes is going to come into even sharper relief. As it is, I get the sense of a kind of manic energy, given the way their thoughts are depicted. Not sure if that's the feeling your shooting for.
Final Thoughts: I read a lot of Seaton when I was young. I'm guessing you might have, too. If you haven't, it might be worth checking into how he balanced internal dialogue with external details. He was not a great writer by any means, but he did a lot of work in the time period you're describing here. Good luck with this.
I like the one divided into four triangles: very colorful, yet reminding of autumn. The one with the purple motif is, of course, darker, and reminds me of winter. Don't know why I'm reading these as seasonal, but that's what came to mind. Very nice.
First Impression: Good setting without giving away the actual set of the setting. A bit too dark in the self-loathing at first--I'd like it to build up, if that were appropriate to the psychology of the character (and I'm not sure it is, given where she is).
Things I Liked: "Passing a mirror was another thing Jan avoided. In her mind’s eye she was still an attractive young woman, but the reality was now a fifty-six-year-old, overweight " (I left out "failure" because I think it's too heavy-handed. We get that feeling from the way she looks at herself).
Things that Stopped Me: "The pages were full of self loathing and all the words she couldn’t speak out loud to anyone." This is where I felt it was too dark, too soon.
Things that Need Attention: Some misused commas--nothing serious.
Suggestions: As I said, it's up to you, but I would advise considering the psychology of the character--if it's all self-loathing, then hint at it instead of stating it early on. I think that will, with the reveal of her surroundings, give a nice punch and reward to the reader.
Final Thoughts: Well done. Good luck with this and the contest. I certainly had no clue from the title.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 12:08am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "