Title: On a Starry, Starry Night
Setting:
You did a fair job of describing the scene, but remember to use all of your senses. Hearing the swish of the grass, an owl hooting in the woods, crickets in the grass; all of these add to the scene. And you stated the wilderness smelled different from home, but you didn't say "how" it was different. Did it smell damp? Crisp? Did the smell of pollen tinge the air? These things add depth to your setting.
Character Development:
I could tell the man loved his daughter, but his emotions need more depth. He watched his daughter, but what about describing what he felt? Something like: A deep wamth enveloped my heart as I watched my little angel play. And his feelings of loss. They can also be amplified with description. Such as: Grief twisted like a knife slicing my gut to pieces. Icy tendrils of fear gripped my heart when I realized I couldn't hear my little one anymore.
The daughter came across as a typical happy toddler, although I couldn't determine how old she was. A one year old could stumble in the water, and a two year old might also. A three year old would be more cautious. It might help to get a sense of how old she is. Age matters with a toddler's sense of their surroundings.
Plot:
A man takes his daughter out to the country to see fireflys at night, and loses sight of her, only to discover she's drowned in the nearby lake.
As a parent myself, I had a hard time believing this plot. Was the man so taken with the night sky that he didn't watch his daughter? How could he not hear the splash of her entering the lake? Most toddlers would flail about and make noise if they fell in the water, especially cold lake water. As a parent, I'd be more aware of the lake than the forrest, because of the danger of drowning.
You may want to come up with some plausible reasons why he didn't hear his daughter fall into the lake, and why he would search the forrest first instead of the more dangerous lake. You want your readers to be able to believe your story could happen.
General:
Please remember these are only my suggestions, and you may either use them or not as you see fit for your story.
It was on a starry, starry night that I took Rachel out to search for fireflies. Repetitious words. The sky can be described differently to avoid repetition:
Millions of stars spread across the black sky like sparkling diamonds as I took Rachel out to search for fireflies.
The title of the story would sound better with only one "Starry" as well.
I watched her arms reach up and stretch above her head.
Generally, people stretch their arms; arms don't stretch on their own. Lol! I've done this before myself. Suggestion:
I watched as she stretched her arms above her head.
“Blire blies?” she called them.
Suggestion: "Blire blies?" she asked, using her own unique description for them.
In front of us there was a grassy field with a large black lake that reflected the sky. Suggest rewording:
Before us lay a grassy field with a large lake reflecting the black night sky.
In the middle of it all was a swirl of fireflies.
Passive voice. Suggest rewording:
A swirl of firelies danced and swirled in the middle of it all.
I let go and watched her short little chunky legs run off, stumbling in the soft grassy field, as she chased the fireflies around.
Suggest rewording:
I let go and watched as she chased the fireflies around, her short little chunky legs moving in a blur as she stumbled around in the grassy field.
With each stompcomma she would send them flying around her and her curls would spin as she swooped around trying to catch them.
I watched as her arms flew in the air reaching out to each firefly she could see. Her eyes grew bright as they flew over her head. Each time one flew too nearcomma she would pull in her arms and run to me for protection.
Repetitive word. Try changing your descriptions. Suggestion:
I watched as she waved her arms in the air, reaching out to each firefly she could see. Her eyes widened with amazement as they fluttered overhead. Each time one came too near, she would pull in her arms and run to me for protection.
It was beautiful, all too beautiful, the stars, the sky, the fireflies and my little Rachel and her chuckles.
Suggest rewording for smoother flow:
It was beatiful in a surreal way; the stars, the sky, the fireflies, and my little Rachel with her happy chuckles.
Anything, I wanted somethingsemicolon a little shoe stomping on a stick, a little cry for blire bliesPeriod. Even a little giggle would do.
It was dark there in the woods. The stars didn’t shine through the thicket of the trees.
Suggest rewording for smoother flow, and to eliminate Passive voice:
Darkness ruled the woods. I couldn't see the stars through the thicket of trees.
Silence was only broken by the sound of the critters that scurried from the branches and along the earth.
Suggest rewording for smoother flow:
Only the sound of the critters scurrying in the branches and along the earth broke the silence.
A cold breeze brushed by and in an instant I felt chilled.
Suggest:
I felt instantly chilled as a cold breeze brushed by me.
I remained there waiting for help, licking my dry lips and the salty tears that fell to them.
Suggest rewording:
I remained there waiting for help, tasting my salty tears as I licked my lips.
The search dogs sniffed the woods and helicopters scanned the areaPeriod. Many generously kind and loving dedicated people would walked{/c] on foot looking for my precious little angel.
Her body floated in the dark black lake with her yellow and orange flowered dress bobbing around her.
With tears streaking my face, I looked up from that dark black lake and to the dark sky above, my legs weak and my shoulders shaking, I began to sob.
Repetitive description. Try using different words.
I began to sob.
If a father just lost his beloved daughter, I believe he would do more than sob. Something like: A cry of agony ripped its way from my throat, and I roared out my grief to the heavens.
And thenWhen I looked upcomma and there they weresemicolon little specks of light reflecting off the blackness of the lake and mimicking the stars in the sky.
Personal Opinion:
You have a very powerful story here. You just need a little more depth to the character's emotions, and a more plausible reason why the father lost track of his daughter without hearing any sounds. And why he didn't automatically check the lake first. As a parent myself, I wouldn't take my eyes off my son if we were near a body of water. Drowning would be a fear foremost in my mind. That's just my opinion of course.
How this story made me feel? Horrified. A parent's worst nightmare would be to lose a child.
You have a strong story here. Good work. It just needs a little adjusting to become a great story, and I know you can do it. Keep on writing!
Blue-Inspired
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