Hi Norksquad,
This is a powerful piece. In the whole thing, only one problem really caught my eye. "the busy shoppers bustling about". Say that outloud once, it doesn't have quite the right rhythm for this piece. Overall, this is a great poem, I really like the finish, very powerful. KEEP WRITING!!!
Chris
Hi Megan,
Another great poem. I just have an idea for the last line. Maybe it could be "In my whole body, sparks were lit." I think that changed the metre just a bit without taking from the message. Just an idea, this si a clearly passionate poem, great job. Keep on writing.
Chris
Hi again,
Told you I'd be back again. I like the prose just a little more than the poem, though I can't say exactly why. Don't get me wrong, both are great, just liked the prose a little more. Keep writing!!!
Chris
Hi again Becky,
WOW yet again. I can see why this has a ribbon!! This should be a poem that everyone hears. It's relatable, the metre is perfect and the rhyme is perfect. Not to mention the meaning is something that every human- being can easily relate to. Thanks for posting this!!!
Chris
Hi Lean,
Last one for now. I agree, Love is one of the most important things on this planet.I don't really call it an invention though, I realize God invented it and instilled into us all, but maybe emotion would be a better word there. Overall, this piece seems heartfelt, so good job. Keep writing Lean,
Chris
P.s. Oh yeah, I hope your holidays went well and continue to in the future.
Very true, we all have two sides, the good and the bad.
We'll all be complete when the Lord takes us home though. Great job with this poem, it's sometimes hard to get to the point with very few words, but the last line said it in one. Great work!!
Chris
Hi,
Wow, this is really good!!! I have an idea for the finish. The reason that you are holding yourself captured is that you are a prisoner to your own bad habits. (Or something of the sorts.) In order to escape you must defeat the evil that is inside of you. Just a thought, use it if you think it fits. I like that little twist in the end. Keep writing.
Chris
That's pretty good. I think the end should've had the father own up to his wrongs and apologize, but that's just me. Overall, this is a great story. You use imagery quite well throughout, so I could picture it all in my mind. And the story is sad but heart warming at the same time. Keep writing.
Chris
WOW!!! For being the first poem you've ever written this is awesome. I consider myself a musician as well, so this is a very powerful piece to me. I wasn't sure where this was going until the very end, and what a powerful finish it was. The only reason I didn't rate it perfect is that you rhymed out with out. Maybe you could look at it again and something will hit you. All that said, this is a great piece and you should be proud.
Chris
I know just how that feels. But we can't always focus on the past, just like the last line implies. If we spend all of our time focussed on the what if's, we'll eventually end up with nothing but those what if's. That's why I try to focus on the now, the past is done and can't be changed, the future we can shape right now. Great job, keep writing.
Chris
Great job, I'm sorry to hear that you are, (or were), hurting. Just try to remember the good, focus on that for a while and see what happens. They say the sun shines after the rain, it might take time, but that sun will shine again on you. Good job and keep writing.
Chris
I enjoy reading your work. The repitition in this is good, but became just a bit too much toward the end. Maybe you can consider changing that to every two stanzas. That's just my thought, of course follow your heart. That was minute in comparison to the point behind this poem. The Lord washes us clean when we ask him and mean it. You can't have a better friend than Jesus, and your poem portrays that as well. Thanks for posting your work, you're a very talented writer.
Chris
So true and it's not just the veterans. In this land of freedom, it's dog eat dog. Very few people have a heart or care whether or not someone is dying in poverty. I myself struggle with poverty, It's a scary thing to need and not know how to provide. I've lived off of faith in God for probably 8 or 10 months now. He provides. I hope to have a poetry book published by the end of this year so I can get a car on the road again and not worry quite as much. Weel, it seems I've gone off topic, that means your poem provoked some thought. Great poetry again.
Chris
Again your words amaze me. I'm so sorry for your loss. They say time heals all wounds, I hope that proves true. Death is such a sad thing, but I hope in the same hand that you can, and have celebrated her life. It seems you are a christian, I pray she is as well. If that is the case, Betty is so much happier now. Just imagine the joy she must have in heaven, no more sickness, sin, or anything else bad. Just Great things beyond our comprehension. I'll pray for you.
Chris
Very good poetry, I, (personally), would have the last line from one stanza rhyme with the last line from the next stanza. I was almost expecting to see that rhyme scheme. Other than my own personal difference, great poetry. I enjoyed the imagery, and I wasn't stumbling through the metre, which is good. Keep writing.
Chris
Very good!! But you can't let people get you down. We all have imperfections, God made us that way. Every single one of us, not just you, so He could fulfil His plan of sening His Son. Just because some people like to think they're above others, that's no reason to beat yourself up. The people who think like that are the ones with issues. I know it's hard to do sometimes, but focus on the good. Make your now happen, so the dreams of your future can come true. Keep writing.
Chris
I can feel your emotion through this. The rhythm was off and rhyme broken in parts, but your message is conveyed, and that's the whole point. Just a grammer thing I thought I'd point out. In the second line, You wrote "we", a "will" would probably work better. Good job.
Chris
I can't see any room for improvement anywhere. Great poetry!! I thought this was going to be a very sad poem, then I got to the end. This is a beautiful story, and hearing that it is based on a true story makes it all the better. Thanks again for sharing your talent.
Chris
I just snet you this message, but I'm not sure it worked, so I'll send it again.
That is a sad poem. You have a way with sad poetry. Actually, you have a way with poetry altogether. Your rhyme and rhythm are almost always consistant, and you write with purpose. I have to wonder if you've ever published, if you haven't, you should try. Thanks for sharing your work.
Chris
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chrishaines4/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 7:54pm on Jul 10, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
