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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/christian
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15 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Silver Wolf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Stormy,

Alas, poetry breaks upon my stony heart,
Try to write it, I wouldn't know where to start.
Beautiful words you have written, come read it all,
Listen to the message and hear the call.

You asked me for a review,
So here is something new.
I hope you like what I say,
I only read your work today.

At the beginning you tell of how you were lost,
I can only imagine at what cost.
You told us of your life,
About all your troubles and strife.

He came and made your world better,
You told us with each and every letter.
He made you whole and nurtured you,
And your life began anew.

Through your life, us you do lead,
With poetry prowess, we are humbled indeed.
At the end, praise Him you cheer,
From you again, I hope we do hear

You write every word with love,
Your rating is 5 and above.
The poem is truly brilliant,
Against bad reviews, be resilient.


Kindest Regards

Christian
2
2
Review of Beachcomber  Open in new Window.
Review by Silver Wolf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
          Great piece of writing. This is amazing for a first time writer. No matter what anybody tells you, you can write.

         You keep the characters seperate with a good use of italics for thoughts and typify a small town cop with his own dialogue and thoughts too. Superb.

         A few pointers:

         In the paragraph where the policeman is getting in his car, you have used several spaces before beginning the next sentence. Judging by your style of writing I assumed this to be a typo.

         When you break-up a piece of dialogue with actions, you should use commas instead of full-stops.

“She went walking towards the warehouses, Officer.” Dan pointed in the general direction. “I was tired, so I said I’d wait for her here.”

         Should read more like:

“She went walking towards the warehouses, Officer,” Dan pointed in the general direction,“I was tired, so I said I’d wait for her here.”

         Another cool way to break the speech is as follows:

“She went walking towards the warehouses, Officer -”
Dan pointed in the general direction.

“- I was tired, so I said I’d wait for her here.”

         The second method is useful for more detailed actions, whilst the first method, that you have used to great effect, lends itself to the shorter action.

I hope my words do not offend, they are just opinions. I enjoyed your story, I actually found myself worried for the female character and almost skipped to the end just to see what would happen. Naturally, the butler did it. *Smile*

Hope you keep writing, this is a great piece of work.

Kindest regards

Christian.
3
3
Review of Times Past  Open in new Window.
Review by Silver Wolf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
         This is a nice story with the characteristic twist that is associcated with most short stories. I must admit, I had thought that Ada was a ghost initially until the daughter was introduced to the scene.

         You have written really well and you get a good sense of the character through her thoughts. I especially liked the use of the photographs to show the lives that had been led.

         You mis-spelled Gabbys name wrong once and the last phrase you have written in past tense whilst the rest of the story is present tense. Would changing held to hold fix this ?

         When you talk about the photos, you mention For so long their lives had run parallel to one another just as two lines of photographs illustrated, and then they suddenly diverged as their two lives connected.

         Why would the photos diverge? Would they not converge as the two lives connected?

         I look forward to reading more from you. I mean no offence with my review, these are just opinions. Keep up the good work.

Kindest Regards

Christian
*Smile*
4
4
Review by Silver Wolf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You requested in-depth and the Silver Wolf hears your call.
(Hope I'm not too rough)

Chapter one:

'ashamed to look upon the goings on below' doesn't quite ring true with the style you are writing in, perhaps it may sound better if you try 'ashamed to witness the events below' or some other variation.

Try not to swap the order in which you inform the reader of the colour of things. If blue and grey are the colours of this army, you should probably not refer to them as grey and blue leter on.

Rank should be easy to spot for any soldier in the army, silver buttons can easily be mistaken for steel. Perhaps some other indication could be used, different coloured plumes in his hat??

Captain is a rank, and as such should always be capitalised. The figure who approached the Captain spoke to him without using either his rank or 'Sir', in the armed forces this is a definate no-no.

While on the subject of speech, if you are putting a tag on the end of a sentence, you should place a comma directly before the end speech-mark and the full-stop at the end of the tag. Eg

“You’re needed right away,” the boy panted hastily, “We’ve found one.”

After the Captain joins the ranks, you refer top the men as warriors, you should probably still stick with soldiers, unless he joins the other officers in which case you should refer to the officers. The use of warriors tends to give the image of a more socialised group of individuals rather than disciplined troops.

If the colossal companion of the Captain acknowledges something rater than questions, don't put the question mark in the speech. This still gives the reader the visual aid that indicates a question and your statment is contradictory to the words of the character.



'Tarem glanced up at him briefly. Then lowered his gaze.'
You don't need to break this up, it flows perfectly well as one single sentence.

Chapter Two:

This chapter flows quite well, and I especially like the way in which you capture the bleakness of the life that Emre now lives. However, the paragraph that recalls how Emre remembers the house when Lorelle and Tarem had been there is fine, in the paragraph following this the first sentence lingers on the previous nights as described and then switches to her making something to eat. You should try putting this sentence in the first of the paragraphs, I was a little unsure whether your character was still remembering something or actually doing something.

You also note that she is waiting for her father to come down the stairs, yet when we first encounter her in the chapter, she is in the top-most window. Does this mean there is a room above with no window in it? Or did she move rooms/floors without us knowing?


Near the beginning of Chapter two, Emra is looking for some-one in a rust coloured cloak. You later tell us that she pictures her father leaving on nights in a coppered cloak. Is she waiting for the same person? If she is, then you should keep the colour the same, it will be a visual aid for the reader to keep up with the story. When Emra is looking for this individual, you state that is is impossible to pick out on figure in the bustle of morning marketing. So after a bit of thought, she makes some food. Then as she is eating with her father, a boy comes to the door wrapped against the night-chill. Crikey, what did she cook that took so long?

If the father who has only spoken a few sentences is called from his dinner and when Emra snuffs out the candles, I would have imagined that the food would still be hot, or at the very least warm. You should probably not describe the food as cold, unless they were having a salad.

I hope this helps. I did enjoy the story and would like to know how the Captain got on. It is nice to let the reader grow with your characters. We as a species are always drawn to conflicts, whether physical like your war or personal as Emra is feeling. Let the reader explore these trials and tribulations that they must face. The Captain was wondering how his father would take the news of his sons enlistment. Okay, how did he take it? Just how did the Captain feel about his fathers reation to the news? You presented the questions to us, now we want answers. How did the Captain fare in his first battle? Could he even handle a sword? Was he able to command troops or even know the basics of tactics? Did his hulking companion (probably a Sergeant Major) help him through it or did he bite the dust? Why did Lorelle leave and why is she with the Captain?? Has she too joined the Army, or is she a messenger/spy? Do the actions of the father impact upon all his children or just Emre?

There is great scope and you leave many questions for the reader to ponder. A two year gap, especially in a war torn country can hold many changes. I would look to fill this gap with a more detailed account of the sister and perhaps bring to bear the new activities of the Father and Lorelles absence.

Hope it wasn't too critical. Pleaser keep up the good work. *Smile*

Christian
5
5
Review by Silver Wolf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A good piece of work. There is certainly a great deal of scope to keep the novel going. I especially like the way in which each of the four main heroes in your squad are trying to figure each other out.

There are a few things of note:

Using Brazen, you are telling me each of the Heroes personalities. I have always believed in the adage-show, dont tell. If the reader discovers the personality of the characters, they beome more personal to your audience and they will enjoy the story more.

You have a character, Brazen, whom after talking to his Master, watches the test of the four Heroes. He is interupted in his viewing by a vioce that issues from the computers. If, as I believe, this to be the Master, why has the Master apologised to an underling for interupting??

Continuing with apologies, you have an examiner, the Test of Fear, who tries to calm the nerves not once but twice to the group about to undertake his test. I thought the whole point was to induce fear?? I wouldn't be scared if I was getting mugged if the mugger was to tell me that he isn't going to hurt me and the knife is really just for show.

I think you are putting a little of yourself into each character and your own personal traits are showing through. In your story each character has a particular function and their personalities seem to be derivatives from that, Let the Master command and Brazen obey, they are not of equal status afterall. The examiner who controls the test of fear must be intimidating and show the Heroes he is not to be trifled with, instill them with a sense of trepidation.

These are all just opinions and I do hope that you don't feel I was being overly harsh. I genuinely like the story and am keen to see just what awaits the Heroes and if they will discover the mysterious fugitive and the missing space station.

Keep up the good work *Smile*

Christian
6
6
Review of Whitesong Series  Open in new Window.
Review by Silver Wolf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is an excellent piece, creating a very believable world into which the reader is pulled by the very words you write.

I found the introduction of the characters to be exquisite in the telling, although I sometimes would have prefered the characters thoughts to be a little more distinctive from the main body of the text.

I was able to understand each of the characters personalities and their interactions and would be very keen to read the whole story when you finish. I am eager to find what sort of mischief your two main charaters will find themselves, invariably dragging the female mage with them.

With regards to any editing that you may wish to do, you mage, Oliende, requires more salve from Mistress Luna. You have not capitalized the name of Luna and I wondered if the mistress was a title or indeed her name.

In the first section, you concentrate on Finny and Ciro (Beauty and the Beast - Nice name for the chapter by the way), then in the second section, you concentrate on Oliende. However in the third section you stsrt to concentrate on Alex but as Finny and Ciro enter the bar, you seem to switch the focal point of the telling to Finny, especially when he encounters Oliende. I think it would be better to continue with your theme of 'one section - one focal point' and write from the point of view of Alex. This would help the reader to become more acquainted with Alex, a charatcter whom I assume will become more involved as the story continues. (Just an opinion.)

All in all an excellent story and a very 'real' world in which to immerse yourself.

Christian
7
7
Review of Black Cat Cafe  Open in new Window.
Review by Silver Wolf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is excellent subject matter and captivates the reader with ease. I find myself wondering who ht eman in the cape really is and why he seems unpeterbed by the events that are unfolding around him.

There are, however, some things that need to be addressed:

“Just a coffee.” replied to stranger.

would be better read if it was writen as:
"Just a coffee," replied the stranger.
Unless you actually intend to finish the sentence in the speech, I wouldn't put the full-stop.

In the same paragraph, you clip the sentences short and start the next one with 'He' on three occasions. You could have carried the whole thing off with a single all-encompassing' paragraph.

I get the impression that you are telling the tale from the waiters point of view. As the waiter is briinging the coffee to the cloaked stranger, we know that he is scared, is the cup shaking or dies he spill a little of the dark liquid upon the already stained table-cloth?

If there is an upstairs to the Cafe filled with drunk people and a man sitting upon the ceiling then how do the occupants of the room look up and see the sign that was once outside the door at the top of the hole they are going down?

Final point, I promise; The piece of text that you submitted is almost a solid mass of writing and it makes it a little hard for the eye to follow. I accidentally re-read a paragraph as I scrolled down. It might be better if you break the text up. I would suggest doing this when a person speaks and/or when you move from one charater to the next. I may not be the best person to advise on that last point though and would seek advise from the more gifted writers on site.

I hope I don't sound too critical, I really don't mean to be. It is a good piece and would make a great story. Please do continue it.

Christian Johnson
8
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Review by Silver Wolf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderfully written story. I am pulled into the mind of the character and can follow his turbulent journey as he lies in his cot.
There are a few things of note, in the beginning of the story, you refer to the wind as it is 'sweeping in thunderous waves over the village of Kianol' and yet in the next paragraph, you refer to the city of Kianol.

Your character touches the book that he reads with reverence just as he does his God, yet you don't capitalise the word God.

These are just opinions that I hope will help to continue what is an intriguing tale.
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