Hi Kristina,
I just read what you wrote so far for 'the sixth commandment'. It was very good. It had me gripped throughout and it was an excellent way to start the story.
I speciffically enjoyed your use of description with the 'grit' scene and how it tasted to her.
Personally, there were some grammatical errors. I don't think you're supposed to use dashes that many times in one sentence. I'm sure commas are more appropiate to break up the momentum of a sentence in attempt to shorten them.
I think you could have set the scene slightly better on the beach. It doesn't explain the time period where it's set and the fashion amongst the people who are surrounding the woman who's just been shot.
I imagine there would be people surrounding the shot woman after the event had occured, all concerned over her wellbeing. Then, again I imagine they would have fled in fear of getting shot. The scene could go either way I guess.
I thought it was a great start and I am intrigued what will happen next.
Thanks.
I've just finished reading your story. It was really good. I enjoyed it. I loved the ending.
But, I don't think it should have ended on a cliffhanger. I think Jo could have killed off the guy.
Or, better,.. the mistress. They rarely go after the mistress.
Hi Skellington, I just read your piece about the mysterious girl in the snowy field. It was good. It kept gripped throughout but I would have liked to have known who the mystery guy was and why she felt imprisoned in such an open land. Perhaps, you can submit a little more in ways of explanation. But obviously not too much, I can imagine you might not be too trustworthy with this website.
There were a few mistakes in terms with description. Particulary, the bit with the woman caressing the key in the palm of her hand. I understand the entire scene is meant to be a little dreamy. But that bit doesn't make much sense.
Personally, I prefer to focus more on the importance/ detail of the story. The plot. Compared to description. Obviously, prose is important for atmosphere and detail with environment etc. But that wasn't why I got into fiction writing in the first place. Story telling is the most important aspect to me. But that's just my opinion. I'm probably very wrong.
All the best with your future endeavours and honestly I did like the small excerpt excluding some of the description.
That was astounding. Severely well written. I really would have loved to meet that woman you portrayed in your story. Lol. It definitely sounded like a journey that needed to be completed.
You're lexical structure is magnificent. Your description was really spot on and it sounded like the best narrative of telling that particular story.
I've just read your story. It was very sweet and I could tell it was very sincere; straight from the heart. I'm currently at the start of a 'romance' project and I'm struggling piecing together the hero but I've got to admit after reading that... It's definitely helped. It's brought me back to the rawest form. If that makes any sense? It's helped me realise the basis of a good romance; the intimate connection between a couple and I think I may have an idea on how to connect my couple.
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