you have a LOT of potential here, but it needs a bit more refining.
Here are a few Rules of Thumb i always try to use when writing poetry:
1.Make sure i don't use the same word too close together. (example: ...demons alone. Your soul alone...)
2. check the metre. try and get a syllable pattern for each stanza, and then challenge myself to find words that convey the right meaning while meeting that pattern.
3. it has to LOOK good, as well as sound good. the stanzas or lines should be consistently arrayed so they give a familiar appearance when going from one stanza to the next. (Opinion: i prefer to keep my stanzas shorter, like stanza number 3 is here. i have 2 reasons for this, 1. i don't like reading all the way across the page, and 2. it helps me measure my metre properly)
I hope you find this helpful. Have a good day, and keep up the writing.
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