I like the concept, and I may be wrong, but the problem seems to be that the “reward” is in the wrong direction.
If they do it right, they have another life and have to do it all again, if they fail, they get to go to the the wonderful ancient place forever? That seems backwards.
Good luck!
Jacky
I was riveted as I read this. I usually don't fall so fast into old times nor fantasy so this was delightful. You did something very few in this genre do to me, catching my attention in the first paragraphs, making it impossible for me to decide not to finish reading. (a bad habit of mine... if I don't get hooked right away I immediately read the end, then unless it's very intriguing I'm afraid I just toss it aside..) You left me wanting more!
Great writing!
Jacky
I can see this as a children's book if you broke each line into facing pages
One sparkling snowflake sings then on opposite page: "Catch me if you can."
Very sing-songy!
Good Luck!
Jacky
This is a fantastic story, a well written remembrance of family life. Of course, brought me right back to that sick feeling of suddenly realizing you don't know where your child is. (I actually drove around town once till I found my seventeen year old daughter's car because she didn't answer her phone! She's thirty two, I still haven't told her...)
The only criticism I would like to make is that it would be easier to read if you put a space between the paragraphs. I found myself holding up a sheet of paper under the sentence I was reading because it was so squeezed together and I kept losing my place.
Please know that I am just a lover of writing and reading and my opinions are just opinions with no professional background so please take with a grain of salt. This is an intriguing story and I believe you could make it better with a little work. I love that Carlie wants to fly, and that she gets her wish.
*The first thing needing explaining, even to a child, is Harry's wings. Is it a magical farm? Is Harry magical? Carlie envies the birds, why does she not envy her friend Harry the horse who also can fly around?
*Secondly, Carlie thinks everyone else is important except her, but later we find out that she knows that kids like Jasper need her milk so she is important. So either she knows but doesn't consider it as important as her friend's contributions in the beginning, or she needs to find out in a bigger way when she does find out. Like she could overhear Jasper's mother telling him how important it is for him to drink his milk or something.
*Third, how did Carlie get her wings? More magic? A fairy's wish?
*Fourth, Michael down the road is a mystery. Perhaps just say Georgette the goat is still helping the kids who need her special milk.
*Lastly, for kids you might simplify a bit. Less explanation of things that don't contribute to the story, and also maybe always call the friends by their animal name too Henry the horse, Georgette the goat, so the kids wouldn't need to try and remember who they were.
I apologize for this being so long but I thinK you have a neat idea and would like to see you smooth it out.
Good luck!
I got it. Age 67. Do they still read Tom Sawyer in school?? That would be the cinch, I can't see many reading it these days just because they happened upon it. I wonder if there's a modern day term for the con, I'm certain there are still people who are experts at it!
Intriguing but confusing. I do think it could easily be expanded. I would drop the beginning and start where Len has been running for hours. The beginning does set up the location, but just confuses the story. You could set up the location after we start with Len running, and just lose the extraneous story with Amanda (unless she is coming back for a reason and needs to be introduced?)
I also would like more hints as to their background as former friends. And also, some hint as to why Peter has been actually moving, even to another country, to hide from Len now. It's almost like we're reading in the middle of a book here, but in reality we never got to read the beginning. It's a wonderful start!
I really liked the premise of this! I was a bit confused at where it went. After the word "Silence!" I lost my way. I went back sorting out who said what but still did not understand the end. Believe me, I am not the most adept at understanding poetry! However, I was so intrigued in the beginning I thought you might appreciate knowing where a non-poetic person got lost. Still, really liked it.
Good gosh! I hope this is something you will expand! It's mesmerizing. Too short to be really understood, but long enough to generate serious curiosity.
I'm impressed! (And with a prompt that actually irritated me…don't tell…)
Nice Writing!
I think it is very good! I am an end reader (read a paragraph or two at the beginning, then skip to the end to see if it's worth reading.) It was! I found it flowed from a casual conversation (like I thought maybe with someone in a coma?) to the real story very well, and slowly enough to keep my attention the whole time.
I assume you are not from US from the "Petrol" "Hoover"and "Digestives." Being from the US, it threw me out of the story for a bit. It probably doesn't matter for what you are doing, but if you wanted it to be less confined geographically, you could probably change to more generic statements like "service station" and "cleaning the carpets" or things like that. Just a thought.
Good luck with your course! You seem to be a wonderful writer already.
Jacky
I bet you ended this because of the word limit. This is really nice, sad and then turning it around in a very nice way for both characters. I hope you finish it for real now that you got this far through the contest. I think it's worth it.
Jacky
I must admit I am one of those horrible people who read the end first, especially if it's a longer work (books too…don't tell!) I generally read the first paragraph or two to get the gist, then go right to the end. If I don't like the end, I stop reading. I loved the end! Then I went back and loved the whole story.
A wonderful twist on the whole zombie thing, one I really could get on board with.
I did find a couple typos. They don't care in the "Cramp" but you might want to go back and fix because this is definitely worth it.
Keep writing!
Very much liked your entry today! I enjoyed this character immensely and feel you could easily work him and his skills into a much larger item. So many possibilities and he seems easy going and likable and real enough to carry a great story. Obviously you also have the imagination for it, and the writing skills. Thank you for entering and giving me the pleasure of reading it. I will watch for you in the future!
Jacky
Hi, I loved this idea!! Very creative! I found it a little cumbersome to read, it is hard to do something so quickly, but it would be worth working out the bugs it's very unique. Or, you might write it into a wonderful little story, perhaps a picture book! All in all it is delightful.
Keep writing!
I liked this very much! It sounded kind of blog-y in that it's random deep thoughts, your thoughts today. The only thing that threw me out was when you changed from the "we" into the "I" with the sentence "It's so easy to slide back…" I would suggest either staying talking about "we" or switching it to you personally in a new paragraph maybe, or with some lead in so we go smoothly from deep thoughts to your personal take on it all.
I love it! I will fully admit, I was a little thrown by the prompt, but decided to at least give it a try. You nailed it! Your story unfolded exactly as it needed to in order to make it all fit together and fit the prompt perfectly. Bravo!
I've read this three times now. It confused me at first and then I came to realize it was probably in the middle of something that had already been told, or would unfold as we continued along. I liked Caleb's thoughts, I kept wondering about his former life and what he could be atoning for in his confused mind.
My suggestion would be to make a new paragraph at "Shortly before we approached …" so we understand immediately that "we" are people who know him well, and probably take care of him. I really like it.
Hi!
I really liked your story! I loved the twist at the end. If I were to criticize, I would say not so many "this is like that" things. Because there were so many (and all really good ones, so hard to choose which to keep) I think it took away an impact that you would had gotten from them if there were not so many.
Also, I think you could have written the whole thing first person and gotten as big a laugh, if not bigger out of the end, from me anyway. Loved it!
Jacky
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